Friday, December 31, 2010

Final Statement: Dr. Binayak Sen

I remember having written about Dr. Binayak Sen in May 2009 on my other blog. He had just been released from prison after 2 years on charges of sedition etc under the Chhattisgarh Public Security Act 2005 and Unlawful Activities (Prevention) Act 1967. His bail had come as a good news.

An year an a half down the line - Dr. Sen gets a life time sentence by a trial court in Chhattisgarh. Though everyone is sure the appeal would overturn the said decision but still it smacks injustice and is such disgrace. Though the news is stale, but I just read his final statement. If interested you can find it here: . Also read:’s-letter-to-the-pm/

I have many questions in my mind. But more, later.

Thursday, December 30, 2010


Back when Jimmy left me, and I used to be this little 12-13 year old girl. It was the night of 14th December. I had my Math exam tomorrow so my eldest sister was helping me out with sums the night before when suddenly the lights went out. Mum came upstairs to my room where my sis was teaching me and lit a candles and all so that I could study. She told me not to come downstairs and to sleep on time. I was so scared of the Math exam that I didn't pay much notice to the blackout. Jimmy had been ill for more than a month now and though he didn't walk much but I was so young that the thought of him leaving me never occurred to me. To me he was there and was always gonna be there.. just like perhaps we are okay with our grandparents being on the bed most of the time. In a while lights came back and I saw my other sister get inside her blanket, with her head also inside it and shiver.. as if she was crying. I thought to myself she must be feeling cold or sad or something. No time to think, it was Math exam the next day.

I went to school, took the exam and when I came back all my family was at home. Mum fussed over my food a little. I could not see Jimmy around but that was normal since it was winters so we used to take him to the roof top so he could get warm under the sun. I asked about him and as I did, Ma told me in an almost apologetic tone as if I was to pardon something bad that had happened under her care. She said, "munna, wo nahi hai.." (Swts, he is not there).. the words did not reach the sane corners of my mind. Without a word and with a constant and quiet chant of "no no".. I ran to the roof top to find him. A thousand thoughts and feelings collided in my little heart under the scion of disbelief. I checked the roof but he was not there nor was his bedding. Teary eyed and shocked, I checked the bathrooms but of course he was not there. My sis came to take me downstairs and I could not believe that Jimmy was nowhere. They said it happened last night. It had happened the moment the power cut happened. My mom thought not to tell me then, as I had an exam and she knew how attached I was to him. So they sent me to school and decided to break it upon my return. My sister was not shivering under the blanket but crying the last night..and the lights had gone out at that precise moment he departed. They had then taken him away and never told me clearly about where he was buried. I never asked a lot. Took me many days to be fine. I hated those winter rains.. and I cried in them cz that meant he was out there somewhere and getting wet. 

For months afterwards I used to scrawl Jimmy's name in my Diary..I was a regular diary writer and I used to keep mentioning it to him and assuring him that I have not and will not forget him ever. All my diary entries used to mention him at the end and I had this whole sheet of paper on which there was nothing but his name written again and again and again thousands of time both sides of the sheet. I saved his collar and a little toy frog he loved to annoy himself with. I have those with me still.

Jimmy was already a grownup little doggy when he came to me.. he spent last two years with us here..and with his jolly nature and harmless ways he easily made friends. With Panther's arrival 6 months later, I did forget Jimmy’s loss, but always remembered his death date. This year I forgot to remember him on that date. It made me feel horrible. I had just lost Panther. And I felt one day I will forget him also.. and its not something I want to happen.. 

But I know life will eventually go on. It always does. And the most important things are not to be remembered or repeated.. there are no days assigned for them in the calender.. but there is and there should be space assigned for them in the heart.

I don't know why his thought came to my mind. It was a reality I had long overcome. Long long back. Ten years is a big time when you are going on from 13 to 23. But I love that little girl and her white little Jimmy. And I will always do. The need to reassure, after all, is not his, but mine.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Missing u so much little friend. So much. When i look arnd i sense smthing amiss.. D most profound happiness u gave me for so many years.. Without as much as the realisation of wat we had.. The loss is so big. I wish u were here.. I wud hv secured u under ur blanket in this cold weather and made sure u were warm and cosy.. I wud hv allowd u on my bed! U lvd to sleep on d bed na? U look so cute always..
Maxi is well.. I hv made her wear ur old dress (the check one)..and i feed her. I knw u used to get possessive about me wen it came to her.. Bt its ok na? She is my only connection wid u..wen i pat her or play wid her she behaves so lovingly and so gratefully..i feel i touched u .. And she loves u too..remember how she used to fight dogs double her size to protect you? She continues to come at morning and night to meet u.. Her usual time..
Today, i went there.. I didnt know wat to say to that patch of earth... I cud only mumble 'lv u'..kept looking at the bundle of dry leaves there.. and then I ran out of d compound. Did u knw i ws there? Did u?
I wish ppl who leave us leave us wid an address where we cud write to them..i hv this blog..its nonsense.. Bt so is everythin else..When i write to you, i dont want to stop..i want to go on and on and i dread that i will have to stop ofcourse. My ears ache for u.. My eyes ache to see u prancing about wid leash in ur mouth.. Asking me and only me to take u out.. We had fun na? We did, much. And all dat is there.. I wont let it go from me ... I wont let u fade.. Ur pictures talk .. Dat neha in d pic was so lucky.. This neha envies her completely..
Wat happened yaar?? Why?? I miss u.. Thats all my dear dear baby.. Js be in peace.. No pain and no suffering now.. That's my only solace. I love u..and dont u think i will ever forget u. Really.. Pomis.
Lv u.. I knw u wont read.. Bt i wish u get my msg

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Across the Universe- The Beatles

This is perhaps the best song ever written..

John Lennon's masterpiece: Across the Universe

Words are flowing out like 
endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass, 

they slip away across the universe.
Pools of sorrow waves of joy 

are drifting through my opened mind,
Possessing and caressing me.

Jai Guru De Va Om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Images of broken light 

which dance before me like a million eyes, 
They call me on and on across the universe, 
Thoughts meander like a restless wind
Inside a letter box they
Tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe

Jai Guru De Va Om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Sounds of laughter 

shades of life are ringing
Through my open ears 

inciting and inviting me. 
Limitless undying love 
which shines around me like a million suns,
And calls me on and on across the universe

Jai Guru De Va Om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Jai Guru De Va
Jai Guru De Va
Jai Guru De Va
Jai Guru De Va

Monday, December 13, 2010

missed u a lot today

Missing you a lot.. cz i am home without you being here.. had i known it would be your last few months, i would have left all work and everything and only been with you.. taken u for car rides which you SOO loved.. honey, i  too loved to drive you around... it was always fun seeing you i rolled down the window your ears would flap against the wind and your tongue would hang out more than usual :) making u happy made me happy.. simple, it was so simple..


Such posts never have a name

I am in a dangerously excited mood right now. Its hard to tell if it is the result of deep sadness, stagnated grief or pent up emotions about things beyond my control. It could very well be none of the above. I want to do some serious damage to my 'gud girl' image soon. Ok.. don't get stirred just yet, i just mean in terms of 'freedom'..earlier while i craved for geographical freedom.. wanting to break the bounds of region -- going someplace new to me and a place i would be new too... packing bags at a whim and going someplace by train and getting down at whim.. there was of course no fear of security in my 'want'.. plain hitchhiking sorta exploration of India.. unlike a tourist, more of a gypsy kinda freedom. Needless to say, never happened! Not alone anyway..

Today I feel different, today I wanna challenge the bounds of convention. I have no idea why all my plans involve night, roads and breezer. But they do. My silly notions of secure getaways even include my car and some fun person by my side..oh yea.. goooood music too. I am so boring that sometimes it feels how lame it must sound to those who party all night and get their hair down everyday.. but I don't subscribe to that kinda fun. It would be boring and obvious and compared to that i am better off at home. But I do crave for car.. on road..with streetlights, wet turf and some fear.

I want to get lots of cranberry and jamaican breezer (the most lallu alcoholic beverage ever and the only one i really like) in the boot of my car.. also get some warm delicious pizza..something non dominoes and non pizza hut type.. i would like some lallu pizza from a retains its taste for longer.. and then i wanna plug in nice easy music .. and then i wanna hit it.. within delhi.. on its roads.. all those roads which look so rabid in the day time transform into a race car track.. no i dont wanna speed unnecessarily.. but i wanna zoom along the music. You know what? Who am i kidding with this meticulous planning? Only a partner, a night and a road would also do.

And then i wanna drive upto someplace I like.. and sit and relax.. open up a breezer and gulp while feeling good in my lallu notion of freedom...laughing, carefree and free. Is it really freedom! Nah.. actually its about flirting with what's not allowed to me... caressing a night and doing something my type yet non conformist. People do such stuff all the time I hear.. my friends party at the drop of a hat at places I haven't even heard about and sometimes I do feel I am missing out on a lot...nah.. not that I want to go where they do.. its not my calling.. But, I am missing out on my kinda fun at my kinda places in my kinda ways.. which however harmless..could make me feel like a daredevil in my own right.. And who doesn't like playing with fire?

I don't think all this is ever gonna happen. Sigh.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Panther & Maxie


Panther Maxie flirting talking :)

Panther Good Boy Part II

This when there are no directional glitches but panther cant find the ball!

Panther .. good boy Panther


Behind the scenes .. panther and film making.. i loved the moment when he would emerge again with the ball in his mouth ..running to me

Panther and his toys


Panther and his antics.. i wish those times could come back .. love him..

Cell phone camera quality aint that good..

Panther and black socks

Come winters and he and i would camp on the the rooftop under the sun.. he must have been very young then

Panther walking on the (erstwhile) rooftop

He is total nautanki

Panther (featuring stuffboy)

Ok, it worked.. it his magic.. that though i was tearful, he made me laugh.. :) my little cutie baby

This is my first attempt to upload a video.. i am not sure if i am doing it right. Lets see..
Love you panther.. miss u every moment.. hv to remind me you are not there.. morning walks are not there.. ur naughty games are not there and the nightly strolls are over. really over are they? we are never gonna go for a walk panther? will i never see you again? ever? how can that be panther? wont you come running with the ball in your mouth? wont you jump and woof for the choostick and bisky? how can it be over.. how .. what all happened? how can it be.. a month back it was all fine.. i had hope..i really thought it would be ok..  was able to suppress the fears..but now.. what is left.. your collar remains and so do your belongings.. what do i do?..wont you be back? is this not a nightmare..why dont you just come back to me.. i miss you a lot.. i'd go any distance to see you and touch you once.. my mind wanders in your memories .. and if i don't bring it back to the reality, i concoct lies..that you have gone for a little while.. like you once did when so young.. the fact of your permanent absence hadn't hit me so strongly till now. You will never be there panther? You are always there.. you know can it be.. how can it be.. ya kya ho gya..:( you are a small child.. really small.. you are little baby who i had to take care of.. what will i do now.. what will happen? my head is crashing and floating...

Friday, December 3, 2010

Your pics always make me smile..

Panther- a month old

The years thereafter:


miss you so much

Panther baby,

I can't believe you're gone..the roads look so empty without your jovial walk.. everything seems so bland and purposeless. I don't feel like coming back to a silent home where no tail wags for me and no one asks me for long walks. I miss you my darling.. and i miss you beyond words can express..

I love you like I would ever love my own child. You ARE my child.. i can't accept that I only got to keep you for these ten years..i know baby you didn't wanna leave me too.. i saw it in your beautiful eyes.. the wish to live more. when you breathed it looked like you wanted to breathe in life .. as quickly and as much as you could.. i love you for keeping up a gud fight.. i love you so much chotu baby

I am glad I was with you day in and day out.. it gives me peace that I gave you all treatment that could be given. I sometimes had to trick you into taking so many bitter medicines...which led you not to trust me.. but I had to do that baby..i never never meant to make you not trust me..i never used to even say i would take you for a walk when i knew i couldn't.. i so loved when you would not wanna go with anyone but me for ghumi ghumi..

Those times in the park when you and I used to be roaming around..and I would take off your collar and run ahead off you... you would let me go a bit farther but then you'd look up in search of me and come galloping by my side... i loved that you looked up for me. And then when maxie you and i went for our strolls.. how you loved to run with her and we all raced along.. and how maxie always protected you from other dogs..and you the way you longed for her companionship

I miss you panthery..

I have so much to say to you.. i sit at all places you wud usually sit and i talk to the floor .. i behave as if you are still there.. I don't want to move ahead in time.. my heart struggles against the flow of time.. so that you don't have to become a memory.. so that i continue to feel your presence ..that if I keep saying all that I used to say to you every day -- even to empty walls and floor -- i would be able to keep a part of u alive.. i know i will fail in time.. but i never wanna forget anything we ever did together sweetheart.. you would never know how much i loved you..

I will keep writing to i used to talk to you when you'd rest your face in my lap. Sweetie i am there.. and i know you are there.. bas tu khana kha lena yar..ab bohot ho gaya bina khaaye.. just eat eat and eat and i will be happy knowing that you are not hungry ever ..

After you left, everyone cried so much.. and somewhere inside i felt happy that you got so much love from everyone.. people who have never even met you prayed for you baby.. and they all love you so much. Papa, Mummy, Shilpa, Gu di .. all of us are heartbroken.. bt I try to look strong to them.. cz then they worry about me. 

But we don't want that na? You are with me na? Thank god we didn't take you far away.. I can go anytime and pay you a visit.. so you will never feel alone little one.. you will never be without me..i never thought of my life without yours.. but i guess now i will have to talk to me when i wanna talk to you.. but im there.. dont ever fear..i know you don't like to be alone.. i am always always always with my chota sa .. chota sa pyara sa bacha

muahhh dogu

urs, me