Thinking Cap

nada!

2012-02-07T14:19:00.001Z

life shows you much when you are single and have been for some time now - out of choice you may say, or lack of options.

be the girl. be the 'other' girl. be the ex. be the probable. be the most probable. be the new younger one. be the new elder one. be the muse. be the derelict. be the envious. be the envied. be the recluse. you on top. the other on top. wanted. wanting. a hundred no's and a single yes.

nada!

the two of me

2012-02-04T03:58:00.004Z

There's two of me

and I can see both

so distinctly

entwined yet estranged

they are from one another.

At times

my eyes falter

and mist befalls

but there, right there

before me - this once

there's no mistaking me

stand

the two of me

One lives by the

rush of day

and the other enlivens

at the hush of night

a cloak worn

and a cloak worn off

concomitantly

in the knowledge of all

and in ignorance too

there, right there

before me

breathe

the two of me

extracts

2012-02-01T23:53:00.004Z

"The journey is my own but you give it momentum, you give me a push and I take off. Soaring high, breathing in life till I hunger like a child and quietly land by your side. As if to be with you is all I have known. With you I learn and surmise, I sit, drink, eat and play with my words and make love, yes."

"You wanted it once, you want it no more, you might or might never feel it again. Your calling is something else and the rest must be a distraction for you. As life unfolds I might be standing nowhere for miles around. I like you for all that as much as I would like you to come to me. Because I like you taking decisions. And I realise that nothing is for ever. I'd like to witness your journey - back and forth - in ideas and forms, if it is meant to be."

"My love finds peace when you actualise your self. Each moment that you live for your self I feel you're freeing me. If you are an extension of me then how can I begrudge you your freedom? How can I ever resent your decision?"

truth and the shadow of it

2012-02-01T23:44:00.001Z

It makes me smile. The fine lines that demarcate and alienate truth from the shadow of truth. Most of us, most of the time weave our lives with utmost care and precision around what is but the shadow of truth. We take the shadow to be real, beautiful even in the pain it can cause, somewhat liberating too. And in that knowledge we feel the glory of being truthful, righteous even. But more often than not it is an imitation that we so love and hold close to our chest. Not that the shadow is untruth. But the truth lies elsewhere even as we love the shadow most profoundly. And the truth - we'll be surprised - is even more beautiful if only we have the nerve for it.

It's not often that you meet someone with whom you can see the fine lines magnifying, enhancing in contours. Unmindful of any fear or reproach. Bereft of all censure. It's freedom you feel then, because you can see. The world is always trying to make the lines blurred for you, to fool you further - and to fool you as a matter of its wont. No motive is of import. If you cannot see the lines, you are not to blame - you're absolved ab initio. Those who choose to see must to go through a stricter scrutiny at every step. It is an imprecation for their possessing the faculty of sight. A curse for which they must pay. If you can see Thestrals, you would have witnessed death.

The truth is fantastically simple, so simple that it takes ages for our shadow-fed mind to identify. The shadow of truth is pleasing to the heart, more pleasing than the truth. The shadow makes you feel free, makes you feel good even as you embrace your pain bravely, believing (?) that you've been truthful. It makes you feel you have matured in that you now embrace such pain. Tired with your unending fantasy, smiling at your misplaced enchantment for it, Truth stands there. Looking helplessly at you two dilapidated lovers.

why religion is a good thing

2012-01-25T14:42:00.003Z

Funny thing happened. Subah se had had nothing to eat. So, first I went from library to eat Hare Krishna meal, hoping there would still be some food left. There is a guy who peddles in with a cart full of hot food for us every day at 1. In no time a queue is formed and students from all over the world join in and thank the Lord for such hot free food in such cold and costly London. They serve world's most bland but hot (I emphasize) and holistic platter. Today it was plain white rice and lentil soup in a disposable white paper plate with a disposable little spoon. I felt nice that I was from the land of Hare Krishna, boiled white rice and lentils. Basking thus in what was a reminder of my Hindu origins, I walked on towards Houghton Street to get me some coffee.

As I was counting change (60pence) while also keenly admiring my image in the glass-door of a building, I saw a stall which read "Christian Union". My gaze soon fell on to their banner on which was wrote in big bold letters "FREE coffee/ tea!". Though reluctant at first (as I usually get when I see free stuff), I realised I needed that coffee bad. Not to mention I had not brought me any cash today except the 60p. And so there I went towards the stall, suddenly feeling as Christian as it could get. Got me a cuppa Christian coffee with a Christian cookie to boot, while discussing with the girl at the stall my experience of attending mid-night mass on Christmas eve at St Pauls and suppressing my giggle on their event titled "Which sort of people go to heaven".

Moral of the Story: God does come to the rescue of His hungry children. No, really. Thank the Lord for today.

Moral of the Story II: The more the God, the more the religions, the more the free food and coffee, the more the people survive, the better it gets.

Spinning an honest yarn

2012-01-25T13:15:00.001Z

"The more despicable she found her life, the more romantic her poetry became. Perhaps it was a way to soothe her wretched nerves. Perhaps a need to express even in the absence of a muse.

In obscure words she asked him if she would forget him. This was even before she had really embraced him. And fool that he was he said, "yes", not knowing what he said. But she loved fools. Always had. Fools to her were those who thought not of saving themselves when listening to their hearts, fools were those who plunged into the unknown and the known alike and more often than not broke their limbs. But then there is a swagger in their limp. Like crazy men they went about with 'ideas' on their minds and therefore fools to her were rare and fools to her were courageous. He was not a fool - this she had known since long. But this act of his was that of a fool and she smiled at his foolness. No, not foolishness. She had no patience with the foolish, the dumb and the slow."

---

Perhaps you can only like music and love words or love music and only like words. You cannot love both. If one has to be a lover of these two ideas at all - one is either born to be an ardent lover of music or an ardent lover of words. But not both. You'd know the risk in both. You'd know how both can mislead. But you'd have made that choice, subconsciously perhaps, or it may be that your choice would have already chosen you.

---

"These days my mind closes itself at my will. This never happened before. But the more people I meet with who I cannot Talk, the more closure I get. I come down a ladder or two from who I am and then simply 'deceive'"

---

What if you meet your extra-marital lover even before you've met the one you'd marry?

---

There are times when I can observe the orbit of my own growth (or degeneration, as it were). At times I am removed from the scene. I hate to use the word, but yes, futuristically. I haven't yet reached there, but I know which binds will be broken and which I would stop caring about. Already a lot seems unfastened. I sit on the edge of my seat and watch.

Unfinished..

2012-01-25T12:47:00.001Z

The window to my life

It was open so long

the passion that you fanned

burned cinders for long.

Winds gushed in

and storms moved out

But nothing changed

And nothing will

At least Someone's having a laugh!

2012-01-23T18:02:00.001Z

It's funny what's happening. It really is. It really really is funny. I'm sure God is up there somewhere rolling on the floor laughing looking at me.

More to come. A lot to come.

Later.

Es muss sein!

2012-01-20T09:56:00.001Z

"Muss es sein? Es muss sein! Es muss sein!"

I know now. Either I am crazy or there is something to the ideas that float in my mind. There is something concerete albeit hidden beneath a thousand apprehensions. There is that world. A world of convictions, ideas, metaphor, belief. More often than not I have questioned myself. I have been someone who hasn't seen much and was thus afraid of being the only one out there, looking for approval, seeking a fellowship of thought. I don't feel it today. And I'm silently elated. As elated as I felt lonesome last night. I might relapse. But when I do, I will think of this place.

tonight i shall write

2012-01-17T16:34:00.003Z

tonight I shall write
and even though there is nothing no more

I shall write and believe you hear it

tonight I shall word

the letters I had wrote, and

the poems for you

that I forced rhyme!

and when I do that

I shall relive your touch

on my slender shoulder

bare, ever since you caressed it

tonight I shall write of those long lost evenings,

of your fingers running though the strands in my hair

and of my nights spent by your chest,

even as you were to be years away

there are, there were, and there will be morrows

more and more till I ache no more

but tonight I shall not restrain

tonight I shall go weak

and not be afraid

not be afraid

(i recall now that there is an uncanny similarity with neruda in the first line.. but i must mention that the same came as a surprise to me. the reason why i am still posting.)

aise hi, mann hai

2012-01-16T00:05:00.000Z

Aaj mann hai thora aaram se jeene ka

khud ko samjhaye bina.

Idhar udhar ke shagufton mein uljhaye bina.

ulti-pulti baaton ki patti paraye bina.

Aaj mann hai

bebaak ho jaane ka

kagaz par bekhauf syahi ki tarah

surkh neele rang mein mil jane ka

likhte mitaate - likhte mitaate

aur kagaz muchore bina.

Thori garam chai, thori dhoop

thori thand, aur thand mein kohra

ek neend ki jhapki, ek chatai!

aur ek balcony ka bhi mann hai.

Aaj mann hai

thora pyar kia jaye

nahi, dher saara kiya jaye

beparvah! beinthaan! ishq mein para jaye

Aur mann hai thora

pare rehne ka rajai ke andar

ghum fir ke vapas aane ka

ulti-pulti baaton ki

fir koi patti parane ka!

fly by

2012-01-15T23:21:00.001Z

I wait by the window

hoping a thought would fly by

perhaps perch at the sill

for a moment or two

before flapping its wings again

-taking to the air

taking me with it.

Or it'd knock on my doors,

I might even answer not

For I avoid all who come

with things to think and do.

But as the knocking persists

I'd run to comply

And open the door wide-

Lest it should wander off

leaving me to myself

la jerigonza

2012-01-12T23:35:00.002Z

I wish I had someone to talk to tonight. Yes I am lonely, but more than that, it is important that I sleep. Sleep and meals are things I am not taking seriously and the results are showing with a loss of appetite and insomniac tendencies..one leading to the other.. leaves me

I will blabber tonight. Lullaby me to sleep it would.

I miss mom. Her smile. Her innocence. Her hands. My head. A pat.

I miss talking to her. Now when she looks at me over skype - I can see she misses me yet would never utter a single word to that effect. It is settled between us that I am the crying one - so how can she go weak in front of me. But you know, I am not the one to cry because I am the child, I am the one to cry because I act like her mom around her :).. and so like one of those tragic mellow moms - I cry seeing her. :)

I also notice a twinkle in her eye, a bit of apology for not having had the time to come online, but I know she is proud of me. And I know she knows not why. Perhaps that's the very reason, that she understands not and as is our wont, she admires that what she can't easily understand. :) Oh, she is so beautiful my mom is. SO beautiful when she smiles. And then on skype I would show off my long hair, "look mamma look! so long!" Wanna put my arms around her neck, on tiptoes (she's taller, you see)..and not let go till she wrestles herself out of my hold.

Oh this time is not right. I should have slept three times by now. I should have.

I have started a new 'venture' here on the blog. It's the Word Post. I would keep coming back to it and post words. Not sentences. Not meanings. Nothing you may even endeavour to comprehend.

I would see how it goes about. Too often with me these days words happen. But neither does a story, nor does a relation of it. It's just an experiment to capture those words. Nothing brilliant about it, just that overtime it might reveal a trajectory worth putting on record.

And as it turns out - I am more awake than I was before I tried on this 'lullabying me to sleep' idea. But now at least I am a happy insomniac.

:) muah

Word Post

2012-01-12T22:46:00.002Z

Regret Alone Night Reclaim
Vulnerable FAIR Purple Smiles
Silence Home Reveal Reflection

2012-01-07T23:04:00.002Z

a crumpled rose

2012-01-06T01:32:00.004Z

"As if my blood is lying spilled somewhere..away from me.. But I know it is mine. I carry it in my conscience as it carries me in its essence. I may never see it again but its mine, mine! Pragmatic me lashes out again. The lover retaliates. Why does reality even happen when the 'unreal' could be so beautiful? Even in our silence we seem to have shared. Even in our pact not to talk is something dear to me. For even in that we partake in something. You would love to get drenched in me. I'll make sure you do."

"You are! Oh  you are! Is it just me or can others sense it too? Can't say I know you. Can't say if it would last. Might just all wither away like the most beautiful flower. But thank you for showing to me that it exists. However small the moment..however frail to even last. It was reality you know..when it was most not. And this is but a smidgen of it. All of it. A pretension. A pretension and a shadow. It is not you who lacks. It's me. It's not your years that came in between. It's mine! Oh can't you see? Won't you see? Won't you agree with me? Let me go for now. And do let me come back once. Let me grow up a bit. Let me fail first. This cruel age should know. I will wait to fail. I will pray to fail. So I may know. So I may know."

This piece might not matter now or might not be understood or worse still - might just be. For more reasons than one. It's like a crumpled red rose perhaps..tucked in between old rusty yellow leaves of an old hardbound. While placing it back on the stack from where I pulled it out, I thought I would just as well post the contents.

These words here are most precious to me.

31 Dec 2011; 1.57 AM

2011-12-31T01:58:00.004Z

The last few hours of the year remain. The last twenty two. I was watching a movie just now. And it made me think. No, not the movie. But the banal act of sitting down and watching one. I had bits and pieces which felt like a cinematic deja vu. Chunks of it that I had seen before. And now that it is over I feel disgusted. The movie was fine. On a better day I might have even enjoyed it. Morgan Freeman never disappoints.

Tonight, however, I wish to write.

Never mind everything else. I just wish to write tonight. Just want to play with some words here. Just wanna stroke 'em, juggle 'em, throw them up in the air and catch them off guard. I wanna pet them, spoil them, make them mine.

As I see out of the window, I see different hues playing against the dark backdrop of the night sky. I hear they're flashing lights somewhere up the London Eye for New Year's perhaps. I see no lights but only the reflections. Making the 'welkin' gleam! The clouds seem awashed with the most interesting hues - purple and blue and pink and green..all random all brilliant. It looks good and comforting. Especially because it is right there. I don't even have to move an inch to be able to see it. It's right there. Just saw some white light dazzle in the sky, as if the moon's been waltzing by itself.

I will try and write more tomorrow. But if I don't then let it be known that the year has been spectacular. I would always remember 2011 as a wonderful, thoughtful, surprisingly charming an year. A lot changes in an year. Doesn't it?

Sigh. I don't feel very good tonight. My wish to be able to go away for a while has remained unfulfilled. I am neither in pain nor uncared-for. I just wish to know me better. Perhaps spend some more time with me would set it right. I shall do that more often now onwards.

PS: I miss you bad, Panther..I wish you'd just come running back to me.

the courtroom of conscience

2011-12-16T15:05:00.002Z

Words elude me like never before. I say I am sorry but they still don't speak with me. This is an attempt in perseverance. I write much like a child who knows she has erred and who, in an awkward nervous fashion keeps standing at the doorway. I too stand there, with my head bowed and hands tied. I am not apologetic for not writing - not here or otherwise. But for that because of which I was not able to talk to myself. Writing would have required an honest reflection and for many days I had kept averting my gaze. But then words precede me, as always. I was 'dropped' and rightly so.

The part of me that writes had ceased to talk to the part of me that wants to write. If it has happened to you, you would know the agony it can cause. It was an injury upon a wound. Words, my precious palanquin bearers, took sides with the former. I choked at times, but I did not have the strength to face me here. For in here one has to be most naked. Brutally, beautifully - naked. And utter exposure needs unfaltering conviction.

I have realised what writing is to me. It's worship, it's prayer, it's the answer. It's the one most honest act I ever do. Something that's as much mine as my own child would be. Even more perhaps. And when I couldn't face myself in words - oh I felt dismembered - as if left abandoned at the outskirts of the same cobbled streets that were (are) home to me.

Often in the past I have thought about how it is the biggest sin - doing what one does not want to do. That there is to be dignity even in one's sins - this dignity toboggans from a 'want' - which is the expression of one's own volition. The 'will' fills the cognitive senses and lead us up to a decision, however dastardly it may be. It would be lesser an evil to skip morality, commit a wrong, if only one has/had a 'want'. But when you do something you did not even 'want' to do - you couldn't have caused a bigger ignominy and disrespect to the 'self'. If there is a bigger sin than sin, it is sinning without wanting to.

I whispered apologies to me a hundred times. But the writer wouldn't allow for unjustifiable mistakes. Not from me.

The courtroom of conscience has room enough for reason, excuses, even tomfoolery. It has many windows too for one to take flight and escape. But there are no doors from which one could walk out with dignity, unless one has justified oneself. Yet, how to justify something I did not want to do? My standards are engraved in stone, the bars are always high. I could find no justification. And so I struggled. I couldn't and wouldn't flee from the windows. And I could not walk out the doors too.

And so here I stand, staring at the floor in obeisance. Hoping.

crayons

2011-12-08T01:30:00.003Z

Add caption

you're missed

2011-11-27T12:48:00.002Z

you're missed

2011-11-27T12:31:00.007Z

I woke up today.. after months of not believing it. My coming here had made it easier for me to forget what had happened. Whenever I would speak to someone at home, I would often stop myself just in time lest I should ask them how was Panther doing and whether or not he had had his meal properly.. I would often confuse myself knowingly perhaps. Last year - esp the months of November and the first day of December had never really settled in - I had fed to me a notion that I was away, and it was only because I was away that he wasn't with me.. that he was fine at home, and ma was taking care of him. My mind knew the reality yet refused to believe. My being away only helped me hold on to that string of false belief, which even though i knew was 'false' was a strange belief none the less. I think it's time I let go. I think it would still not make a difference. But it's time I loosen my grip.

you were dying this time last year

you were dying and so was i

each time you'd breathe

would be my sigh of relief

you were dying last year this time

you were dying and so was i

each time you'd try to rise

each time you'd fall trying

i'd run to be your limbs

i'd shudder at the sight

Been an year

would be many more

I might not remember each moment

But i can still recall

Each little crevice on your coat

every little thing that would amuse you

I know how you'd react at this and jump at that

What would make you go wag

I love you, if there ever can be love

I mothered you my darling

from the moment i knew i could..

Fussed over you crazy

Pampered you mad,

Was it for you i did all that i wonder

Or was it for me instead..

I know that I know and no one else will

I loved you more than you did me,

you know that my greedy little darling?

But i loved you for that..

as I love you for all..

You were dying last year this time

You were ..and so was I

I know there should be no tears. I was happy all those years wasn't I? I was because I had you to take care of. I had you to come home to and to spoil silly and to scold and to take for walks and make you eat.. those little words we had for our own..:) bisky and bukku and ghumi and the list goes on..you revelled in all that...and then there was no greater pleasure than to watch you sleep..or see you gobble your food, you having your way.. and me having mine.. fighting sometimes.. you always won, needless to say.. you're a delight Panther - in your being and so in your memories.. you're a delight.. a comfort , my heartbeat..

PS: i dont care if you think im crazy..:) i'd just smile at that.. i dont know if you know what it means to bring someone up.. to cook for, to clean after, to be responsible at age thirteen.. to give in, to be dragged for walks early morning, to be woken up in the middle of the night, to spend nights making sure he's comfortable, to try to discipline him and fail.. to find yourself helpless in front of that little one.. to go around pasting posters in the neighbourhood when he had run away, to save money so you could get him treats, to get him bathed at a doggie parlour sometimes, to lie for him, to get scolded by parents because you want him to sleep in your room, to sneak him in at nights, to pray he won't bark when you fix a mid-night meal, to show him off, to have him as a companion for always, to making him happy with nothing but a pat and a choostick, to get runover by him at times.. to love him.. unconditionally.. as like one does ones child.. and i miss him today..sitting far away from where he is right now.. buried. He has been with me, from the time he was a month old till now..for always..

I guess my first born, will always be my second.

random

2011-11-26T00:23:00.000Z

I can hear the Big Ben chime as I type this. It's 2300 hrs. I am in my room, tucked in bed and warm. Time passes quickly here. So quick sometimes that I give up trying to keep pace. And then I want to halt. Jettison the mind and feel. Let the chilled air and electric frenzy permeate through, engulfing me. Perhaps getting into some kind of a grind would also be good. But I wouldn't want to for now. As someone said to me a few days ago in response to my asking what he does for a living: "I like to do as little as possible". That's what I wanna do too.

I am sleepy..

It's not that there's been any paucity of things doing rounds in my head. But for sure, there's been a dearth of desire - the working-myself-up-to-some-passion desire. I read and muse for that. Listen to music too. Go for walks. Write. But it's not happening. Perhaps something awaits round the corner.

Would you believe I long for a break? Yea, even from here, from this year long hiatus. I wish to go home but don't wish to stay there. I think I have moved on in some ways. The umbilical chord has been cut - isn't that what I wanted? Yes..yet every drift needs a home, every cascade a flow...

I am reading The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro these nights - gifted to me by someone I wouldn't dare call a friend (for he snubs at that, he might flinch at his mention too, but when do I listen? ;)). The book is a nice read definitely, but I feel I'm missing something. Perhaps it will all come around once I'm done with it, which shouldn't take long.

After a long time I am writing happily oblivious of who reads. Not that it's always on my mind, but of late I was beginning to be reticent and quite cryptic, you'd agree. I wish I would go on without realising this for some more time for then I would again get cautious. I wish the fingers would continue to tap the keys..making the sound I like best in the world... the sound of typing..isn't it delicious? I wouldn't even dare go about suggesting to me the sound of typewriters..downright sexy. May be cz words are being formed.. the faster the more, the faster the better, the faster the thought. Onomatopoeia for that anyone?

...Anddddd there goes my own flow.."SNAP!" :) I could almost hear it break.

Skybound

2011-11-21T15:13:00.001Z

Lost. My eternal state of being. Did I ever feel 'found' and oh, how I want to be there, where one is found. I am not dark in the mind. Not yet anyway. And it reflects. Struggle I may, but that won't make me dark either. Life will, the wrinkles will and so would the creases in the wrinkles that are the gift of time. What's happening? And why here of all places? I wish to go right now. Get myself together. And sit with me for a while. Why not just make peace? Why not strike a deal?

The ideas in my head are in conflict with the life I have lived so far. I am skybound yet aghast.

damnation!

2011-11-18T12:44:00.001Z

Don't know what it is. But the mind seeks time. Some time and lots of books. Just books and time and patience. Books and coffee. Many reads and my mind. CONSUME. The way it's your fantasy to make love on a tabletop.. sweeping random objects off the surface with a single continuous thrust of the arm, before swiftly placing your lover on the counter and then go on, go on loving..

Roll back.. rewind and revisit the sweeping part in slow motion this once. Feel the strength of a man's arm, the relentless, the careless, the reckless gesture as things 'important' tumble down one after the other, slowly charging down against the weight of time and bursting into tumultuous fractures on the tiled floor... making a deafening (defining?) clatter - the clamour of the broken pieces and the din of all that breaks loose - hell as well as your own mind. Heedless of the mess, unmindful of the broken pieces of glass on the floor, blotched sheets of paper lying about - some crumpled some not, stationery, knickknacks strewn about. And on the mind just a blurred frenzy, a stupor in a spur.. a ruffled fazed uncomfortable delicious odyssey..

Wanna do that. Just that. Right now.

Wanna sweep off the tabletop all that claims its place there... all that impedes my flow.. and obstructs my path. To renounce everything and every thought that was so far the 'subject'. The path! As if the landscape is itself evolving. That everything else is a distraction, a disturbance, a work-to-do.

That there's only one thing you're accursed to do. And that you must do. And what peace in such damnation!

not a thing! nothing!

2011-11-16T21:51:00.007Z

It is one of those nights when it is all you can think of. But not a single one of that damned species would find its way ... my fingers twitch in want, mind does a somersault now and then.. but it eludes still.. the inspiration and the appetite - yes, the 'word'. The thirst is beautiful but you want to have more.. you begin strumming the chords knowing not where it will go but you will stop not, for to stop would be to give up the chase...

tonight the lips shall yearn to burn, the throat it may run dry..
the mind be swathe in thirst yet, not a single drop will comply

there's just so much

2011-11-03T20:09:00.002Z

I finally find time to do it. Write to you. Write in you. Not that I have not been writing. The mind has been leaving imprints along the horizon of the conscious, but not on this land.

I miss you.

And as I write this I am unable to put a finger at what is more important when i say it. I, miss, or you? :) Must be the 'I'.

Gulp

2011-10-31T01:37:00.000Z

I met the stranger again today. He is strange. Not in a stranger sort of a way. But in a diabolic, intelligent, cunning, smiling, unpredictable sort of a manner. He kept his hand around my shoulder, I shirked it away instantly. My intuition was so strong that I half ran out on him but he convinced me into having coffee. I said to him on face that I sensed something wrong and that I should be going. That I have a weird feeling and that it was quite strong. But he convinced me somehow, patiently asking me to sit and have cup of coffee at a regular coffee shop. I somehow had to agree. We paid for our own coffee. I was so wary that I gulped down my coffee without sugar. Didn't wanna go a-lookin' for sugar sachets in the coffee house with him about. He was strange that man. His eyes were nothing but a wall. Depthless and small, they smacked of a sharp mind. A mind that knew its way around and was smiling nonetheless. Now that I think of it, a chill runs down my spine, for eyes reveal it all and what the eyes can't tell, the smile does. His was a smile that didn't really beam but assessed. A smile that implored, begged to be believed and be agreed to. A smile which was otherwise quite ordinary.

By Jove, I have never been as frightened in the mind as I was today.

The conversation over coffee was genial and calm or may be it was the caffeine. We talked of books, family, my country, his country, his childhood, psychology, philosophy, words and our own hollowed wisdom. Every now and then he would say something weird, every now and then I would steer the conversation on to other topics or put it down to my being a foreigner. He said he was a writer. Writes on travel and leisure. I am not too sure. I don't know why. I doubt if his name was really his own. He talked at length about a book that was his favorite. A book that changed his life. I checked it up just now while writing this.

There is no 'book' by that name. There are other things though.

PS: comments not welcome on this one.

Yun Hi

2011-10-28T12:28:00.001+01:00

Tumhein chhuna hai
Jaise tum ho koi cheez meri
Jo bhule se daraaz ke
anjaan kisi kone mein pari mili

Suraj ki roshni ki tarah
Darwaaze se aate dekhna hai tumhein
Khirki ki salankhon se taakna hai tumhein
Jab sham ki sair ko jao tum

Har raat tumhein bayaan karni hai
Har subah neend se jagaana hai tumhein
Hairaan hona hai ki tum ho sath mere!
Pareshan hona hai kabhi tumhare hone hi se!

Ek saans mein pi jana hai tumhein
Har ghoont mein milaana bhi hai.
Tumhein ittalah tak nahi karni
Par sab kuch bataana bhi hai

Tumhein chhuna hai
Jaise tum ho koi cheez meri
ajaan kisi bayabaan se kone mein
jo mujhe pari mili!

Kuch kalam se ikhtiyar karna hai
thora lafzo pe bithana hai tumhein
Gar khamoshi koi zabaan hoti
Shayad yun hi kehti main usey

I will make it difficult for you, I know

2011-10-22T23:55:00.002+01:00

I will make it difficult for you, I know
I'll make you suffer with my teasing eyes
my impervious smile and that baiting glance
seeking the core of you in you.

I will worsen it still, with
all the questions i'll ask
and my ill-timed jabbering
won't long let the moment last

I'll snatch away those moments too
when you're all secured in ecstasy
I will come to you with mundanity
even as you're most in love with me

At your peak of pleasure I will
ask you of things routine
spoiling all for you I am sure!
I will make it difficult for you, I know

Exasperated! You will beg me to be,
to be there with you in reality
I will hover around evasively
till I melt in to you hungrily

- circa August 2011

that tribe thing

2011-10-22T23:32:00.002+01:00

It aches. Dammit. I ache. To speak to him who's my tribe. Oh! how I ache. The time is right and the moment too. Where are you! Why not by my side?

Sigh.

Quiero hacer contigo lo que la primavera hace con los cerezos

2011-10-22T22:31:00.002+01:00

Every Day You Play - Pablo Neruda

Every day you play with the light of the universe.

Subtle visitor, you arrive in the flower and the water. You are more than this white head that I hold tightly as a cluster of fruit, every day, between my hands.

You are like nobody since I love you.

Let me spread you out among yellow garlands. Who writes your name in letters of smoke among the stars of the south? Oh let me remember you as you were before you existed.

Suddenly the wind howls and bangs at my shut window.

The sky is a net crammed with shadowy fish. Here all the winds let go sooner or later, all of them. The rain takes off her clothes.

The birds go by, fleeing.

The wind. The wind. I can contend only against the power of men. The storm whirls dark leaves and turns loose all the boats that were moored last night to the sky.

You are here. Oh, you do not run away.

You will answer me to the last cry. Cling to me as though you were frightened. Even so, at one time a strange shadow ran through your eyes.

Now, now too, little one, you bring me honeysuckle,

and even your breasts smell of it. While the sad wind goes slaughtering butterflies I love you, and my happiness bites the plum of your mouth.

How you must have suffered getting accustomed to me,

my savage, solitary soul, my name that sends them all running. So many times we have seen the morning star burn, kissing our eyes, and over our heads the gray light unwind in turning fans.

My words rained over you, stroking you.

A long time I have loved the sunned mother-of-pearl of your body. I go so far as to think that you own the universe. I will bring you happy flowers from the mountains, bluebells, dark hazels, and rustic baskets of kisses. I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.

a thought, a walk

2011-10-21T14:59:00.002+01:00

"Er hey hi, I see you're deep in thoughts.. what could it be that you are thinking so deeply about in this cold night?"

Startled, I almost wake up from my thoughts. I look to my right at this stranger..a white European guy, in his thirties or so it seems, with long curly hair - the length reaching near about his chest and an interesting countenance writ large on his face.

I smile instinctively and continue to walk. Clad in my black overcoat, buttoned till the neck; my boots clanking soft on the cobbled bed of the street, my hair loose and my mind lost; hands deep down in pockets to warm myself against winter chill. I continue with my pace without even as much as a mild halt. He joins me in my steps. And now we walk together. I smile and reply "Yes, I had been thinking".

"But what?"

"Why would I tell you!", I say in bewilderment.

"Oh yeah! I'm a stranger, yeah? But saw you walking and looking down on the ground as you walked. I like petite girls, you know and I thought what could have possibly happened to her", said he in his crisp-soft English accent.

"Compact discs?!", I mutter silently

We both laugh and continue walking..

"And yes, it IS weird to to be talking to a stranger like this. But, perhaps that's why we are called strangers, is it not?"

"Yeah", I like his accent now.

"Can I help in some way? Ohhh no! Is it that you just broke up with your boyfriend? Because then I wouldn't wanna talk too much! You will make me your rebound love!", he says in jest.

"No! I did not just break up with my boyfriend!", I can't help but smile in amazement.

"You studying here? You at LSE?", he says point backwards from where I had begin to walk.

"Yes"

"Must be good. My last girlfriend was from LSE too."

I nod along.

"So where are you from?", he asks gliding along with me..while I wondered if I was even on the right street.

"Oh, I'm from India"

"Indiaa.. sound interesting and where do ya stay in London?"

"At a hostel near Trafalgar Square", pronouncing it as Trae-fell-gar Square, much the way a tourist would.

"I love how you said that. Say it again!", he says and instead tries my way of saying it.

"Oh yeah, I know you guys call it 'Traaafaaalgar'; well, I am new to this place."

"Aaah you're new here. How long has it been?"

"About a month-"

"Just a month! Oh then you are what they call a 'London virgin'"

"I guess so"

"Enjoy this place! It has much to offer.. I hope we meet soon and catch up.."

He keeps going on about something as I interrupt him. I take out my hands from my pockets, pointing to him the street I needed to be on. We smile again and bid adieu. He offers his hand much as I would to a child.. and we do a little hi5. I turn around on the other street. Still cold and weary in the body. I can feel the icy breeze of the night brush up against my naked cheeks and my hair is pulled back by the gush of the wind.

Sliding my fingers a little deeper into the pockets of my overcoat, I continue on.

one of those nights

2011-10-21T00:07:00.002+01:00

Miss you my sisters..dad, mom.. it's so late at night.. can't call you.. missing you so much. I don't really know how to live away from you all. Had been feeling heavy in the heart all evening, now i know the reason for it. We all don't know how to live apart and here we are .. the family scattered in almost three continents.. i know it is all for good, i know it had to happen, i know we will meet in sometime.. and i know i am crying like a little girl.. but logic as usual is of little significance when I think of you on nights like this.. Being busy perhaps is then better.. i dont want to be this girl out here alone right now.. I am so used to being the little one.. love you all.. whenever i read something any of you would like... i ache to run to you guys.. when I hear some song mom would like, I wish i could make her listen to it.. Papa - i loved how you spoke to me today evening.. all happy and cheerful! It was lovely to hear your voice..so lovely that it made me ache to be there at home with you. And though I never to say it as much as i should - I love you.. soooooo much. I know you're most concerned about me - your youngest that I am.. mat lo itni tension, papa. Your girl is good and taking care of herself. You look after yourself and ma.

Gosh! How much you guys mean to me! So close.. so close so close! Give me a hug all of youuuuuuu! :'( :')

Ma.. would give anything for a hug.. anything.. You're my sun.

And Panther, my baby.. my baby.. my tears would never run dry..

purried host

2011-10-19T01:39:00.002+01:00

Again - so much is happening there is hardly anytime to think let alone chronicle my thoughts, though i ache to do that; Charting my way through college, the streets, moodle (!), food and the lack thereof, piles of pages to read and tons of guilt about what one could not read ;

The journey is as interesting as is taxing.. there is a whole gamut of emotions I feel ... surprising myself and flowing on. As I was saying to someone - it's like all this while I was there sitting on this golden chariot which had all the givings and misgivings of youth - the idealism, the innocence, a sense of having understood things, the inevitable belief that one knows - the vanity of it all! And then one day you have to climb down. You are bound to come down and then you see things as they are as they were and not perhaps as they should be. Reality is no slave to logic. It is reality - pure and simple. You can choose to call it whatever you may, choose to see it however you want.. your seeing your choosing changes nothing. Its the logical that kowtows to reasoning, the logic-less reigns unhindered, unabashed.

I have so much to say and yet have to sleep for I have a class in a few hours. I will be back soon. Perhaps tonight.

nytnyt!

a peace of freedom

2011-10-13T01:25:00.009+01:00

Instead of striving to keep afloat in two seas, I should now drown myself in one. A time has come for me to choose. I intend to flourish, and wildly; but indulgence, even in the art of learning and scholarship can lead one to lose ground one way or the other. There's time for all pursuits. There is time.

------

Wisdom often finds its way out of people's lips most noiselessly. Something similar happened. A professor of mine carelessly spelt out something profound in his lecture today. He said (and I wonder if he realised what he said, when he uttered these words while explaining why it might not be a good idea to give all groups of people a right to self-determination.) "Freedom and Peace don't necessarily come together", he said in passing. I had only the time to type it in between my class notes. And I recalled it just now. The time honored floor is open, I guess. :)

It is often said that 'where you stand depends on where you sit'. May I add that it is from where you sit that you see the world; and where you stand that you speak forth. I think it gives enough room for all beliefs to find a room. So let me examine as I word…

At a perfunctory glance freedom and peace do seem to flow from one another. Ponder a while and fine cracks begin to appear, leading you on to wonder. Is freedom the be all? Is peace the end all? What is peace? And what is it that we call freedom? Does peace imply a people simply free from unrest or does it mean a Utopian silence regardless of its people? Is peace a tranquil state of affairs or does peace essentially entail a continuous effervescence and churning of thought processes? What if such churning leads to revolt? What if that revolt is in turn not peaceful in its true sense? Would it then be a temporary suspension of peace or a transitional phase of 'peacelessness'? Would such 'peacelessness' not be more desirable to you and I than 'peace' as we might ideally think of it?

Does peace allude to a right to strive for freedom and justice and even literary pursuits such as to dream, decide and be? When exactly is a nation 'in peace'? Never, one would say. And yet, if one sees from the precipice of war, a certain peace prevails almost always. But then even wars are fought in 'aspiration' to peace. The path to peace thus doesn't necessarily have to be peaceful. So, is it that peace is not what we aspire when we aspire peace?

Reverting to the question of aspirations: what is it that a nation state should ideally aspire? Freedom? From who? I would say from its own vices, the debauchery of its own people, from the very rust that corrodes it, which like a tidal wave is consistent, continual, real and most importantly, must be only expected. 'Solution' is not the key here I guess, acceptance is.

In order to understand what peace is in the context of a State, either we alter the definition of peace as we know it or at best tweak it a little to give meaning to what we really wish to convey by 'peace'.

Peace is where justice is given a venerated place to reside. For justice is what we seek in peace and what we search in our freedom. However, the moment gates are thrown open to justice, the threat to peace - which in my tweaked definition of peace would translate as an anathema to peace – slips in too. So, peace even at its best might not be peaceful. Again, 'peace' is not exactly what we aspire to achieve when we aspire for peace. Perhaps a leeway then for lawful 'peacelessness' is the price to pay for peace?

And so, what of freedom? If I were to put it rudimentarily, I would say freedom resides in the well-founded and working (and accepted) 'madness' of the political, social and economic machinery of a free State. Freedom resides in rights even as it includes the right not to be free. Freedom resides where tolerance is exercised by the victor as much as by the vanquished. Freedom resides even in war. Freedom resides in voice and acceptance and debate and forbearance. The test of 'freedom pure' is not in examining whether it resides in disagreement but whether it can flourish in dissent. For freedom agrees where a people disagree as a cohesive unit. It is where the powerless (or the minority) find a right to disagree that freedom meets peace.

It is now that 'justice pure' - the ultimate gospel - could be and should be conceived.

a hand to hold

2011-10-12T09:43:00.002+01:00

A lot happened these past couple of days.. in my mind.. metamorphosis i wouldn't call it.. but something new has been ignited. I was not in the best of my moods for a few days.. no one noticed of course.. but there were so many questions i was grappling with.. struggling because I did not have any answer. Answer, I still don't have. :) But i'm at peace with the situation now. Human beings can deal with everything.. absence of knowledge too.. it's lack of belief that we are unable to cope with. Besides, I had to deal with my own insecurities.. about future, about the present..that keep hovering about this head of mine. All that has been taken care of now (for now!) All thanks to my sister.. who made me realise sooo much in one phone call. :) I would love to write about how she 'fixes' me, and how she knows not that she does.. but that would require a new post.. a detailed new post about her.

I got up early today and got ready too. It's nice and warm, I will make me some breakfast in a while. I was aching for a good meal since a few days..and anyway not feeling too well.. yesterday a friend was sweet enough to come and make me some 'daal' and we made some rice and .. I don't remember having eaten so peacefully here..and so simply.

At night I curled up with my book and finally finished it. A good read.. makes you wanna go back to it but then you pull away your hand, perhaps you don't really want to read it again. I will be reading some other book now. Surprisingly enough all unread books that I have brought here are all gifted .. :)

------

I want to be in love again. Why was I always so shy of saying it out loud?! heh .. it's funny how things you try to keep so protected, so hidden, under the wraps.. are always the things which are so obvious, so human, so much. I often wonder how it would be to be loved like I want to be loved. Been long I felt it. Not that long actually. I lie. But then it was all surreal. Perhaps it was a chapter out of a fantasy book.

Perhaps the reason I never say it is because I don't want to 'solicit' love. Something in me won't allow it. And the way that I am, I leave a lot unsaid.

On second thoughts, I think I will write about it more. Who would be mad enough to think this blog can be a platform from where I can call out for love?! And if it happens -- I wil be more the richer for it, won't I?

Freedom

2011-10-08T17:55:00.001+01:00

Need I say more.

gone

2011-10-06T00:10:00.001+01:00

let alone this misery be
for it's each to his own
no girth does carry mirth
when laughter's come and gone

library liberati

2011-10-04T11:43:00.001+01:00

I am sitting in the college library. It's a huge huge place with rows and rows and rows stacked with books and journals and volumes and volumes of books - shelved, stocked, piled up..some are even in trolleys! This place is spilling with books and with computer terminals. Pity they do not allow us to bring coffee inside. The LSE student ID card serves as the library card here, which again doubles up as a 'sQuid card' that allows one to swipe it for printing services as well as for paying at the cafes and pubs in the campus. Pretty neat, I say.

I am nearly done with selecting my courses the details of which I shall post here as and when I get final offers for my courses. The course choice is huge in numbers here and most courses are 'capped' ie they only offer those courses to a select number of students (usually the number is 30). Sometimes the criteria is 'first come' and sometimes it also depends on your core course. So if i am in LLM and a course is my main course then I shall be given priority over non LLM students. Yea it is a lot of blah blah blah.. and the first few days had me researching, searching, moodling, going through the reading lists and consulting a few friends about what courses I should opt for.

I think I am gonna post my course choices here anyway!

Full Units:

1. Comparative Constitutional Law (Institutions and Rights)

2. Human Rights in the Developing World

Half Units:

1. Theories of Criminal Law and Criminal Justice System

2. Climate Change, Ethics, Development and International Law

3. International Law of Self Determination

4. Terrorism & the Rule of Law

The other courses I might just take are am most tempted to take but cannot, owing to the ceiling restrictions are:

Theory of Constitutional Law

Rethiking International Law

Human Rights of Women

Law and Social Theory

International Human Rights

(Half)
Theory of HR Law
Media Law - regulation in news gathering
Law and the Holocaust#

phew! going to a class now.. to see if i should take it up

will be back soon...

So well,

hurried & sleepy

2011-10-04T00:36:00.001+01:00

There's been no time to sit or think the past couple of weeks. Can't believe I have been here only for eleven days. Seems like it's been much longer. I do wish I would get some more time to write to my heart's content. The daily struggle for keeping up to date with schedules, deadlines - and more importantly - the daily quest for food -- keeps me busy - and going. Initially, after spending a week without almost eating anything.. I finally got me a loaf of bread, a carton of milk, cereal, butter and tomato. So that's what breakfast is, was and would be. It is impossible to spare more time of weekdays. It is interesting though.. buying, cooking/preparing, doing the dishes and keeping stock of what is and what needs to be bought. I would love to give a detailed account of my food adventures but perhaps later. <3

I am happy with tonight's dinner though! Couple of friends and I made 'matar mushroom' for dinner at their hall of residence. The dish looked and tasted heavenly. After ages (or so it seemed) we had 'roti'.. :) I was almost high on food. The good old indian spicy 'sabzi' and 'roti'.

I should ideally be asleep by now but I want to keep going on. Missing a lot of people and missing them sore. It's all nice here.. but I feel like something is left unattended back home and more often than not, it is the fact that I have not been writing. Not here - nowhere. Sigh.

But I will. I will take out the time. Pardon me this hurried post. I so wanna write but my eyes won't allow it.

gunite!

Photowalk!

2011-09-26T09:45:00.001+01:00

runway and thereafter

2011-09-25T15:08:00.001+01:00

Reached London at 1730 hrs British Standard Time on 22nd September 2011.

There was so much going on in my mind in the cab.. a thousand thoughts, a tired body, a quite calm happiness and a twinge of the blues .. So, here I was, typing away on my cellphone, looking around and then typing.. happy, excited, intrigued, wide-eyed and on the lookout for a familiar face, familiar smile or a familiar touch..

As the aircraft touched the tarmac an hour back, I held on to the armrest, tight and secured, and closed my eyes. Let the 'thud' hit me hard perhaps. The first glimpse of England turf freshened my airborne mind. I am in the cab now; on way to Northumberland Hall - which is going to be my residence now.

Finally, I've made it this far. This is a city that's breathing, talking, dining, travelling, shopping around me and I am definitely an outsider taking her first peek. I feel low actually! Sinking! Overwhelmed. That's the word I would ascribe to this feeling. LSE, London, England. Feels so close now, yet so.. as if my eyes are not enough to perceive. Wonder if I would get lost in the crowd - a part of me wishes it does! It is a bit chilly and I am wearing just a light tee, but am warm inside. My friend in the cab is taking pics out of her window- I word my thoughts instead.

Enough! I want the cab to reach the hall now. Just wanna get inside a warm bed. And a blanket. but before that want to wash my feet with some hot water.

Feels like a paper boat - drifting, flowing, floating, swaying.. the stream is gushing ahead of me, with me.. I am holding on! Holding on! Living every bit of it!

More to come. Watch this space for pics and posts.

untitled

2011-09-17T08:03:00.004+01:00

Na manzil hi hai khayal mein
Na rasta kahin ja raha,
Na rooh ko koi intezaar
na dil yahan lalsa raha

baithi hoon ik khayal mein
na idhar hi na udhar hi hoon,
ik boond sa mann hai abhi
girte zara qatra raha

Hai jhoolta sa dikh raha
gira ki bas abhi gira,
risna nahi shayad ise
hai chahta ye barasna

maloom hai qillat magar
'kyun!' 'nahi!' 'kahan!' 'par'
kahe ja raha jiye ja raha
bhool kar khone ka darr

kuch aur der baithu toh
ghar bana lu na kaheen,
unhein chhorne ka shauk hai
mujhe rukne ki hai aadat!

...

2011-09-15T18:05:00.001+01:00

Where Memory
meets Hope
Where the good and the bad
traverse hand in hand
Where what's gone by
looks forward to what's to be
I stand there for you
my love,
I stand waiting for thee

Cry of the Cryptic

2011-09-12T04:52:00.001+01:00

The call of the cryptic beckons. It cries and it wails but I keep looking away. Hoping that my stubborn silence might subdue the cry of the cryptic. But that is so not how is goes. And I know it. I have always known it.

I should try speaking softly to me. That works, doesn't it? Softly I shall tread, only my footsteps would know of the journey I make.

coming home

2011-09-11T16:41:00.002+01:00

Never more wished I was left to myself.

Now that I am going away in a few days, a need to be alone is being felt. Yea, it is a bit odd perhaps, I shall anyway become a stranger in a strange land soon. Yet the need to be with myself is being felt and profusely. I wish to talk to me. Been long I did that.

Sigh.

I miss you, me. :) We'll meet soon, very soon. Once the madness recedes. And once the ruffled pages of my mind settle down with the lull of the winds. I will meet you during one of my walks and perhaps we'll even have a quiet cup of coffee sitting together. Aah, even the thought is so inviting .. invigorating.

With each word I type, I feel a sense of homecoming and before I know it, a silent smirk draws across my face, chaffing me.."what did you think, you fool, I would be gone so soon?" Ha! I am almost celebrating. Me Me Me, where were you?!

Words. Yes, even when all is lost and gone. And even though like a playful lover they evade me now and then. I love you!

Muah! Muah!

LSE

2011-08-17T05:58:00.000+01:00

I wanted it to be the right time. And this feels like it.

I. did. it.

driblet by driblet

2011-08-12T05:46:00.001+01:00

I woke up to the patter of rain and longing. I hear the faint sound of raindrops and wonder if any thing could be meaningful anymore. There's the slight chill in the air.. making my skin tingle..

... the pelting driblets..

I will be back.

Broken Heart Banana Cake

2011-07-12T12:04:00.000+01:00

Broken Heart Banana Cake with chocolate topping!

It didn't really come out that good looking..the heart, that is. But it tastes better than intended. Nibble. Gobble. Munch. Devour. *halo appears*. This is the first time I'm posting something AS I eat it! :D

Main Tenu Fair Milaan Gi- Amrita Pritam

2011-07-10T08:15:00.002+01:00

Main Tenu Fair Milaan Gi
Kithey? Kis Tarah? Pata Nai
Shayad Terey Takhayul Di Chinag Ban Ke
Terey Canvas Tey Utraan Gi
Ya Khowrey Terey Canvas Dey Utey
Ikk Rahasmayi Lakeer Ban Ke
Khamosh Tenu Tak Di Rawaan Gi

Yaa Khowrey Sooraj Di Loo Ban Ke
Terey Rangaan Wich Ghulaan Gi
Yaa Rangaan Diyan Bahwaan Wich Baith Ke
Terey Canvas Nuu Walaan Gi
Pata Nai Kiss Tarah? Kithey?
Par Tenu Zaroor Milaan Gi

Yaa Khowrey Ikk Chashma Bani Howaan Gi
Tey Jeevan Jharneyaan Da Paani Udd-da
Main Paani Diyaan Boondaan
Terey Pindey Tey Malaan Gi
Tey Ikk Thandak Jahi Ban Ke
Teri Chaati Dey Naal Lagaan Gi
Main Hor Kujh Nai Jaandi
Par Aena Jaandi
Ke Waqt Jo Vii Karey Ga
Aey Janam Mairey Naal Turey Ga

Aey Jism Mukda Hai
Tay Sab Kujh Muk Jaanda
Par Chaityaan Dey Dhaagey
Kaainaati Kana Dey Hundey
Main Onhaan Kana Nuu Chunaan Gi
Dhaageyaan Nuu Walaan Gi
Tey Tenu Main Fair Milaan Gi…

Translation:

I will meet you yet again
How and where? I know not.
Perhaps I will become a
figment of your imagination
and maybe, spreading myself
in a mysterious line
on your canvas,
I will keep gazing at you.

Perhaps I will become a ray
of sunshine, to be
embraced by your colours.
I will paint myself on your canvas
I know not how and where –
but I will meet you for sure.

Maybe I will turn into a spring,
and rub the foaming
drops of water on your body,
and rest my coolness on
your burning chest.
I know nothing else
but that this life
will walk along with me.

When the body perishes,
all perishes;
but the threads of memory
are woven with enduring specks.
I will pick these particles,
weave the threads,
and I will meet you yet again.

station

2011-07-05T22:53:00.002+01:00

I am just so low right now... that i didn't even wanna write but speak..js let my own voice soothe me.. i dont know.. ye station toh chhod aayi thi.. yahan toh bas intezaar kia tha.. yahan se to chal padi thi aur kabhi nahi utarna tha yahan. Par fir aaj raat ke teen baje sunai diya ki ye toh wahi jagah hai. Khidki se dekhti hu toh .. wahi nazara hai yahan.. kankaal se ped bhojil zameen par ruaanse khadein hai.. chai ki khushboo toh hai par naam-o-nishaan nazar nahi aata. Yahan is platform par door door tak koi nahi bas sannata hua karta tha un dino.. aaj bhi wohi hai aaspaas. Thand nahi hai, par thand ki chadar lapete raat khadi hai ek kone mein. Shayad dekhne aayi hai, ki main rukti hu ki nahi. Thithur ke rail ke darwaze tak toh pahunch gayi hu par utarne ki himmat nahi hai mujhmein. Pichli baar ka tajurba bhulaye kahan bhulta hai. Is station par utarti hu toh gaadi jhat chali jati hai..rengti hui si dikhayi deti hai jaise chhod ke jane ka soch ke aayi ho. Badi muddat ke baad se pakdi thi pichli dafa.. is baar ik paun bhi neeche nahi rakhungi. Aisa bhi toh nahi hai ki ek baar hi chooti thi gaadi meri.

He made me love him without looking at me

2011-07-04T20:57:00.000+01:00

"I used to rush into strange dreams at night: dreams many-coloured, agitated, full of the ideal, the stirring, the stormy--dreams where, amidst unusual scenes, charged with adventure, with agitating risk and romantic chance, I still again and again met Mr. Rochester, always at some exciting crisis; and then the sense of being in his arms, hearing his voice, meeting his eye, touching his hand and cheek, loving him, being loved by him--the hope of passing a lifetime at his side, would be renewed, with all its first force and fire. Then I awoke. Then I recalled where I was, and how situated. Then I rose up on my curtainless bed, trembling and quivering; and then the still, dark night witnessed the convulsion of despair, and heard the burst of passion." - Charlotte Bronte (Jane Eyre)

It's hard to contain myself right now, hard to gather the thoughts together - as the senses fill with an incense that what was kindled long time back. When I was first introduced to passion and internally never left its side. That heady feeling created by interesting reads, stirring motion pictures and sometimes brainstorming sessions with ones self - something similar seems awakened. And it's making me smile amidst all that I do not understand. How to react when you continue to find your self where you were nearly ten years ago? Each time you check on yourself - you find 'it' working for you. And you mentally hug yourself in relief and pity. Things have changed thence..but not that one insane idea or that one insane moment. It's almost an intuition and yet no where in person. Not in form and not with even a hint of reality. But it appeals, invokes and calls out and you find yourself walking towards it. As if all the time lived till then was one big wait, which might've just got over. A heady heady heady delusion.

i told you i could cook B-)

2011-07-03T16:40:00.002+01:00

I made these over the last few weeks and have been waiting to post these to the blog..finally, i do it.

Chocolate Coffee Truffle Cake

Pastaa (the white is cheese)

Paneers-the-tikkas (forgot to click the green chutney i made)

My super favorite : Banana Cake

listopia

2011-06-29T17:49:00.004+01:00

i lyk self-deprecating-laughter-type people

i enjoy keeping people in the dark till they realise it's my doing

i have a raw way of doing things

i 'also' like flirting

i am dainty, frail and needy in heaps. insecure too.

i am strong, protective, caregiver and complete

i lie sometimes. My lies usually end in surprises.

i think lying otherwise is too much hardwork. Not interested.

i love observing men at their workplace

i like the folded-sleeve, laid-back, relaxed look on guys

i like to have choices. I usually opt out when thrust on me.

i am prone to addiction. It's in my nature.

if i do, i trust blindly. Trust is an inerrant instinct, which may still go wrong.

i would like to be proposed in a library between stacks of my favorite reads

i am prone to heartache and heartburn

i love pink sunflowers

i can't smoke, hardly drink, love to smile. Been sometime. Tried all.

i like to think of me as a housewife. Flirting with the dangers of this idea. never gonna happen.

i love to be surrounded by books and stationary and i enjoy being around cubicles

i love all animals by instinct. dogs top my chart. cats a close second.

i tried to hurt myself with a knife once, thought about committing suicide a zillion times

On my last birthday i wore a white dress with floral prints.

i bought it with an unknown guy. I didn't let him see me in it.

i like having a car but hate maintaining it

i am superstitious about a few things. I secretly think I own a cursed ring.

i feel uncomfortable with over-friendly people

as much as i feel romantic in rain, a part of me always begins to feel sad and lonesome when it pours

i like wild grass and dew drops on windowpanes

i honestly think dogs would make better humans, at least more cuddly

i love it that by now you think I am crazy.

posting this was a self-dare.

na nothing

2011-06-29T17:29:00.002+01:00

the quietude of the night echoes through the cobbled streets.. streets running through my head. Where newer lanes are fast emerging and dissolving, appearing, vanishing, building and continuing. absolutes are not absolutes. solitude stands transfixed as a state of mind. yet sometimes i don't have the pleasure of pain. happiness, the consciousness of an unnamed pleasure eludes and teases. the dawn rises with the sun or the sun with the dawn? What is to be looked forward to and what skipped? Are trepidations worth facing or bearing as a constant reality, an unrelenting hiatus along which we sway. questions are sometimes hard to answer but harder to frame.

Kabhi Suni

2011-06-23T09:31:00.001+01:00

Kabhi Suni..

Kabhi suni apni pasandeeda keetab ke panno ki farfarahat? Aur kya chaha kabhi ki usmein chhalang dein maar? Kya hawa se baatein karti patang ki pehli udaan ki awaaz se baat ki kabhi?! Patton ki kashmakash se bhari fusfusahat ko sun gudgudi hui kabhi?! 

Kabhi jab joota fata toh suna tha kya? Wo 'charrrrr' si awaz jise liye mochi ko dhundne nikle they, jab langraati chaal ko dekh sab khoob hase they. Aur akele mein khud ko dekh itna hasse they ki pait dukha tha!

Rail ki khidki se doobte sooraj ko dekhte huye.. Dhyan se suni kabhi chakkon ki awaaz aur fir door se aati engine ki hool..   Par kya suni tootte huye dil ko marodti sikodti awaaz .. bojhil aankhon se bund girne ki bheeni si awaaz?

Suni hai wo awaz jo patto ki sarsarahat se nikalti hai, sadko pe rengti gaadion ke pahiyon se ho kar, pani ik bund ban aankho mein bas jati hai?

Suni hai wo awaz jo bachon ko sunai deti hai? Jab maa bas hath bhar fer de sar par.. Chup kara dene wali woh awaaz.. Neend mein aaram ko pirone wali ik awaz

Kabhi gaur kiya kaise bin bole, ik panchhi kitna kuch keh jata hai, uchaiyo se baatein kar, zameen ko azaadi ki jhalak dikhata hai.. Uski udaan jab milti hai kshitij se, lagta nahi aasmaan ne use apnaya hai?

Kabhi baadal ko garajta sun, seheme se bache ki pukar suni hai? Aur kya suna hai kabhi barish ke gehen sannatte ko? Kya raat ki maddham lau ko sakpakate suna hai? Kabhi mombatti ki roshni mein khud ko rote suna hai?

Kabhi suni hai aawaz kisi nanhe bharose ke tootne ki? Wo aawaz jo kaan se nahi suni jati. Jo karkash toh nahi par asehniye hai, jo bebas hai daineeye hai..

'Usne' jab haath thama, tab apne dil ko kalabaziyaan karte suna tha maine, par uski dhadkan ko kano se laga ke dekha nahi kabhi.. sochti hu ab jab ye likhti hu, ki jaane kaisi hoti hogi.

Kuch awaazein hum sun kar nahi sunte..Kuch awaazon se door bhaagne ke liye kaano mein rui nahi daali jati.

Par apni kitaabon ke panno ki farfarahat sada ki tarah yaad hai mujhe.. :)

of broken ankles, unintended rhymes and puns

2011-06-17T11:24:00.001+01:00

I'm holding on, and i'm holding fast..
Trying to capture your downward glance
the trance the purpose might not last
but the spell the jinx has been cast

i have no idea from where these lines popped into my head..lead by
need to rhyme i guess.

I broke my ankle a few days back. Bad. Too bad. Was jumping and happy
about the late night rain 2 days back.. thought I will go to the
rooftop and get wet but before I could as much as get one strand of
hair wet, I fell from the stairs with a ''thudd'' and my ankle ...well
let's say i heard a loud 'crackk' and I knew it was big. The swelling
took shape of a golf ball inside my ankle..the pain was enormous and
everything went dizzy, I held on to the railing and called out to my
mom..crying and howling i was lifted back to my room. Ice cubes were
rubbed on the swollen ankle but ultimately we had to go to doc so late
at night, got x-ray done and got plaster around my foot. The only good
thing about the whole incident, was the color of the plaster - a
bright and lively pink.

I had an exam the day after because of which panic struck. Anyway, I
went and took the exam, broken foot or not.

So, that's that. As usual humour makes it better but I hate to be
dependent, I hate to ask for things cz i cant get up, I hate to be
served meals in the bed room and I hate not to be able to go for a
walk (even indoors)..but on the brighter note, I am fine. The ligament
fracture and muscle tear would be ok in 3 weeks time. I got 3
different tests to take in this time.. and i hope to get some sympathy
marks. :P

Now that I can't go anywhere all my attention is focussed on - of
course- food. I dream of banana cake and chilly potatoes. aah.

Hey did I tell you.. a few days back I went ahead with my
cook-wish-list and made choco-coffee cake and man, was it
finger-lickin delicious! My stomach churns when I think of it. ;) too
bad I can't make it again for nearly 3 weeks. But then on a devilish
note I think I will..with a little help I will.

Chalo, my lunch is waiting for me.. it rained awesome today..
*shudders...it happened on a similar night* ;) the fall! (pun
unintended) ;)

the drawing board

2011-06-10T10:31:00.001+01:00

Covered:

1. Austin's Positivism and Analytical School

2. Kelson: Analytical School

3. Historical School: Savigny & Maine

For today:

4. Roscoe Pound: Sociological School

An articulate piece by PBM in IE a few aday back: Second time as farce - Indian Express

There is so much I need to catch up on..phew, for now Jurisprudence. I do like it.

Its okay, baby

2011-06-09T21:45:00.003+01:00

Some questions about them will always remain unanswered. She will always hate herself for somethings, and keep on loving him for somethings. They say real love doesn't die. But they don't say it lingers on, ebbs and flows, comes and never goes. That thing which she didn't even say was love. That thing which she so wanted to have but could not was love. That feeling she thought was not yet love was love. That what to her was just the threshold was love. That what she thought was an end was the beginning of love. But she was alone when it mattered the most. It must have been love, but it's over now.. it must have been good, but I lost it somehow..The song resonates in her head..as reality, right and wrong cease to matter..to the point of humour.. her heart knows yet it knows so little.. her mind plays games sometimes..oh she knows herself too well by now.. the little voice in her heart that she listens to grows distant and distant. Questions will linger like a mystery and answers, she has learned to stop looking for. One move and she's shaken. A stir and she awakens..

a wandering mind

2011-06-06T18:16:00.001+01:00

Its all senseless at times.. the running around, the running after, the running before, the running in circles and the running-in-general. Like wasps we go around and about... Why are we born and why do we go through this whole deal of growing up, being who we have to be and then die..just die..just like that.. the thought that there is just this one life has haunted me for a long time.. i'm not asking for two, no i'm not. But the fact that we got only one puts so much pressure... one life.. one time one's gonna get married..ok one may have children more than once but there is so much that we are going to be just once..one road to take and one way to live and sometimes there are no u-turns you know..

And the reality is that we all want it to be just once! No we don't want it to be any other way. No. No. No. You getting me? Just because I sulk for something doesn't imply I wish not to have it. I am just wandering in the pointlessness of being.. the 'almost existence' of ours that borders on our extinction.

that what makes me happy

2011-06-06T10:12:00.002+01:00

For past some time I have been trying some culinary experiments - and experiencing the joy of whipping up something out of something. I never thought i'm the kind who would enjoy it.. but surprisingly I find it soothing, relaxing and fun.

I recently made Banana Cake - and well, i really didn't expect me to be able to make it that good the first time round. The aroma was so thick with banana flavour that it made me fall in love with it. My eldest sister - a banana lover herself - fell for it and so did my other sis and mom. As I baked the cake it took the shape of a shiny dark brown dessert that tasted much much much better than the banana muffins I have had before. I am going to write down the recipe here on the blog one of these days. A big thanks to nisha my friend for hailing from Kerala (ha) and for telling me how to make it. :D

So well, I think i am finally taking the cooking thing seriously. More so cz it makes me happy. The going-shopping that precedes the cooking and the cutting-chopping-dicing and the aroma and the process, the wait as the dish cooks and then the anticipation whether it's good enough.

So lets me do some loud thinking here. What have i made till date:..i mean some serious cooking/bakingwise:

1. Chilly Potato

2. Fried Rice

3. Manchurian

4. Spring Rolls

5. Subway type - Sub (but that was more arrangement than cooking)

6. Paneer Kulcha

7. Veg. Biryani/ Pulao

8. Lachcha Parantha

9. Malai Kofta

10. Paneer Tikka

11. Corn Kebabs

12. Chocolate Cake

13. Banana Cake

14. Mushroom-Corn Farmhouse Pizza

15. Nacho Chat

16. Macaroni (dont know if that counts)

17. Banana Shake (with iceceam and nuts)

:)) makes me happy this list.

I usually get the ideas from two friends of mine who are simply the best cooks ever.. but barring that these dishes i've often tried outside and made a mental note to try at home - much like a challenge. Like I did a home made 'sub', or farmhouse pizza or banana cake after eating banana muffin, or spring rolls or nacho chat etc. Trying to make these things at home is fun. I am sure I am not a very good cook yet. I just enjoy it for now.

And let me add this: i'm not too big for traditional indian or mughlai dishes Let me be honest the malai kofta i made was not that great cz i misread a part of the recipe. But try i did.

And now a list of what's on my mind. I have something for healthy cooking. I am not a big fan of fried, slimy, oily dishes and i try to avoid maida (cornflour).. so the challenge is to make the dish healthy (using wheat or samolina (suji) instead of maida and using less oil without compromising on the taste)

So now my wish list for the summer:

1. Malai Kofta

2. Coffee Cake ( thats a friend's recipe and includes..molten chocolate lava :))))

3. Pasta - the authentic pasta - the kind I ordered at big chill and loved

4. Mushroom Pasta (i recently bought a bag of fusilli pasta)

5. Kathi Roll
6. Apple Pie

7. Chocolate-Banana Shake

I think that's enough for days to come. gee, that made me happy.

pointers

2011-06-06T09:37:00.001+01:00

give your self a goal every day. it could be taking forward the same goal or some new one everyday.

find what you love to do

find something frivolous that you love to do - something that must give you PURE pleasure

that thing must result in something productive, something tangible or something you can see or touch or carry or listen to carry (so that excludes watching movies, listening to music going for walk (though giving you walking targets day after day is another thing))

once that goal is set. do it. bloody do it!

Words

2011-05-24T15:46:00.000+01:00

http://savethewords.org/

rain writes a delhi morning :D

2011-05-21T07:13:00.002+01:00

I woke up today to the sound of clitter-clatter-wham-boom-bam.. there was a windstorm about and random things were coming off people's rooftops.. some doors were left open and were hitting against the wall making all the noise. Still sleepy though, I went upstairs to the rooftop and was thankful the strong winds didn't whisk me off... There was that fantastic refreshing morning chill that gave me the goosebumps. As I shifted my gaze up towards the clouds, down came little droplets of rain. As the propensity of rain increased so did the air current. Heavy diagonal rain fell all across tapping the ground and swooshed with a gush of strong winds. Standing in a comparatively drier spot, I began to shiver. And cz my dry haven was not a dry haven anymore..I thought it best to rush downstairs before the rain got me totally. I helped me with a cup of steaming chai and say by the rain drinking it and skimming through the papers. Such mornings make one wanna write. Gosh, how I miss it. The fact that I hardly got 4 hours of sleep notwithstanding.

I wish I were in college today for the greens and the red brick buildings that make time stop. You go into a frenzy inside of you! But college is at its end (last exam to go now) and the future is unknown. As I say this I steer me away from all of that. :) and drive me back to the mausam and morning showers!

PS: nothing beats a good delhi rain - makes you love even your frosty eyed-nosed-lipsed neighbors!

:-?

2011-05-12T09:17:00.000+01:00

Till now I was a matter of getting to be behind the steering.. to be in control of my life, my emotions and my choices however hard or frivolous. How hard it was, how much strength it required to gain back what I had lost. Now that I am on the driving seat with safety belt in place – life seems to be a crisscross of wayward roads..and all I do in my mind is steer. Steering away from thoughts that disturb me, steering towards that what keeps me distracted and happy or both. Sometimes I sit back and wanna relax, but as if on automaton following the Murphy's Law, the car moves towards the road I know is not right for me. Again I have to sit up, again look far ahead and assess the potential damage and swerve the mind and again navigate it away. *wipes off the forehead "phew!"*

It's funny actually sometimes. As if once you are sitting on a mad horse... you gotta keep it busy.. the moment you lose focus the horse goes mad..and on and on

I missed you ya.. my exams are going on.. three I'm done with and fourth one is tomorrow.. I have decided to study less.. last exam I studied way too much and I ended up sitting befuddled during the exam..simple matters became complicated just like that. If you look too hard you make a ghost out of nothingness. Something similar happened.

And I am so sleepy.

And suddenly I get sad.

:( wish u wr here

2011-05-01T22:06:00.000+01:00

I just closed my eyes and imagined i ws stroking ur head. And a smile broke js when i thought i might cry. Its late into the night and it struck me you aren't around. Sometimes i look about my feet instinctively being careful lest i should step on your foot or smthin. Miss u my darling..nothing nothin nothin can ever make me happier than having you back with me. I dont let me think usually. But I miss you my buddy, my best friend, my baby. The smile has turned into an effort to stop d tears and as a droplet emerges from my eye..I only wish these memories of you wud never fade.. When i close my eyes and imagine running my hand through your hair..its seems real..and I am thankful that i could feel it again, but also afraid of time passin by..and the memories fading away .. I always want to be able to close my eyes and tease you, play with u.. Ur reactions to my calls r etched so deep..its easy to picture you.. As if u are not very far.. Who cares for reality then. I love you so much. Just know that my chota bacha.

Black. And White.

2011-04-22T12:44:00.003+01:00

Hitherto it was a sketch in the making. Rapid strokes executed with nothing on mind. Those strokes intended for nothing, just a free rein for an eager mind. Bold black strokes rambled on in an unnerved motion on a still white canvas. Sometimes leading, sometimes lead on. Every day I learned something new. The unskilled fingers moved over and about the canvas, propelled by their existence. Unmindful of what was to become of it. On and on and on the paint brush moved and I never realised what it was fast becoming. I was busy naysaying perhaps.

As the sketch nears its fortification I stop and step back to see what's become of the canvas..and I smile. Stare hard enough and I can read faint sweeps to make out what the canvas now betrays. The colourless strokes have now a story etched in contours. Why does it surprise me still? And why do I blush? I ask myself in vain but it's a self rolling wheel. So free-spirited that neither time nor my eye can capture its motion in entirety.

Black. And White.

D'oh! ;)

2011-04-21T11:55:00.001+01:00

Hey you,

Missed writing eh, but each time I'd come around, I'd end up writing something I wouldn't post. And it would get flipped headlong into the infinite depths of my unposted drafts! Once I ended up writing a 'motivational' poem..a feat almost impossible for me. I am one of those who can harp in melody when going gets rough, who can sit down and write odes to the pain! But a 'jo beet gayi so baat gayi' we 'painaddicts' can never come up with in prose.

Have been studying, doodling on last pages of my registers, dreaming of after study snacks and drinking tea, coffee, ice tea, milk, water, rooh afza, rasna, tang, you name it, I am washing it down my throat. There's a lot swirling and whirling in my mind.. it all eddies into colorful contours. And I like it that way.

So here's what I wrote.. i didn't like it much for its darn too simple. But well, you gotta KIS,S sometimes :)

At times to be quiet

we need to talk.

sometimes, to be still

we better take a walk

What may seem reverse

might not really be

What strikes as a curse,

nigh your blessing be

Be quiet, my love

not silent be.

quest (for) calm within

but not lifeless be

Gather thy courage

pick up thy core

head for a walk

by your heart's shore

Now on to Interpretation of Statutes..an interesting subject. And hey that reminds me.. a detailed talk on Juris is dew. Oops. due. D'oh.

blank

2011-04-14T10:01:00.001+01:00

Being home does it to me perhaps. I miss panther more than ever today. I wish i could just see him once..panting, licking his paws, asking for treats, trotting about..trying to hop on the bed, barking till my ear drums would burst to take him for walks, being ever so naughty and giving me great company.. putting his face on my lap and going to sleep.. looking like a frightened kid when I would bathe him.. and then do a jig sloshing soapy water all over me..doing nothing just 'being'.. i miss him so much all the time... of late even missing him had become something beautiful..I was able to achieve something i thought was only meant for poetry and wishful thinking.. the fact that you can actually miss someone and still smile .. the fond memories taking away the pain.. it was magical.. and though I knew the magic wouldn't last.. i knew for sure that it was magic, alright.

I miss him..i just don't know what else to say. I miss him.. very very deeply. :(

Baby, I tried hard not to write to you.. to not enlarge a pic of yours, to teach myself to steer towards those times which were amazing, skipping the reel where you were ill and i was in a constant state of silent subtle panic and fear of you going away. But we can only skip somethings sometimes.. :(

I know it will be fine.. I know for sure you are with me.. and I can still manage to smile as I try so hard to stop me from crying. Been four months I know.. but love is beyond time and place..right? It's even beyond existence.. it's just there..

I just love you so much

200th post

2011-04-10T08:24:00.002+01:00

This is the 200th post. A lot has happened..and a lot remains neatly wrapped in the confines of future. Lots I have shared here, lots kept to myself and lots hinted at, I guess. I like this space. That's about all.

Frozen

2011-04-07T20:37:00.002+01:00

I wanna hug you, hold you, shake you, smother you.. as if you were my own. If pain were alphabets perhaps this is how they would read.

Her fingers twitch with a ferocity and a need to write, to write without a pause without as much as an interruption to breathe or think. She feels sad. Tonight.

She breathes and takes in the raw air. Wanting bad not to feel. But as always she fails. She wants bad not to write but she does. She wants bad to sleep so the night passes by, murkily in her sleep. But she can't.. all she wants to do is to write.. as if it were the solution, her absolution. Is she running or escaping? Moving away or silently returning? She cries hoarse to herself and to destiny.. that she does not want her mind to go back from where it just emerged.

Has nothing changed?

She's afraid, so afraid she can't tell anyone. Afraid of getting trapped in the times she had frozen.

We are the Champions!! World Cup is ours! :D

2011-04-02T20:41:00.001+01:00

We WON it!!! This is one of the most joyous moments of my life!!! We are the champions of World Cricket! :D It took 28 years!! Wil post pics in time! Love you all! This day was historic. This night is terrific! Indiaaaaa!!!! :D

not mine.

2011-03-30T20:47:00.000+01:00

I never knew I would ever feel evicted from the place I call 'home'. And I promise I will never forget this. To give others their rights you sometimes have to let go of your own. You just look back at times when you didn't exercise your rights because you cared much more for their happiness. You still care but it's not needed! Can't you just see?!!

usay bhool ja..

2011-03-27T18:04:00.003+01:00

Kahan aa ke rukne they rastay kahan morh tha usay bhool ja

wo jo mil gaya ussay yaad rakh jo nahi mila usay bhool ja
Wo tere naseeb ki barishein kisi aur chat par baras gayeen
dil-e-bekhabar meri baat sun usay bhool ja usay bhool ja
Main to gum tha tere hi dhyaan mein teri aas tere gumaan mein
sabah keh gayi mere kaan mein mere saath aa usay bhool ja
Kisi aankh mein nahi ashq-e gham tere baad kuch nahi hai kam
tujhe zindagi nay bhula diya tu bhee muskura usay bhool ja
Kyun attaa hua hai gubaar mein, gham-e-zindagi kay fishaar mein
wo jo dard tha tere bakht mein, so wo ho gaya usay bhool ja
Na woh aankh hi teri aankh thi, na wo kha'ab hi tera kha'ab tha
dil-e-muntazar to fir kis liye tera jaagna, usay bhool ja
Ye jo raat din ka hai khel isey dekh, ispe yakeen na kar,
nahi aks koi bhi mustaqqil sar-e-aaina usey bhool ja
Jo bisaat-e-jaan hi ulat gaya, wo jo rastay se palat gaya
usay roknay se hasool kya, usay mat bula, usay bhool ja
Toh ye kis liye shab-e-hizjr ke usay har sitaare mein dekhna
woh falak ki jispe mile they hum, koi aur tha usay bhool ja
Tujhe chaand ban ke mila tha jo tere sahilon pe khila tha jo
woh tha ek dariya wisaal ka so utar gaya usay bhool ja

link.. do listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNoqKOtiykI&feature=related

Buried

2011-03-22T08:52:00.001Z

I am dead..i'm a ghost

I'm cradled, I'm lost

I'm human yet awry,

haunting your glory..

Like a toothless willow, a voluptuous sheen

I come in your innocuous dreams

I am your worst fear, I am your pain

I am your scruples, I am in vain

You Drive me Cra-yay-zzyyyy!

2011-03-18T05:21:00.002Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwxn3WfM9G8

i wanna say this to someone! :D Its a happy happy morning :)

You drive me Cra-yay-zyyy!

You know baby when you're in my arms

I can feel your magic touch
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
And when I'm looking in those big blue eyes
I start flowing down in paradise
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
Heaven must have sent you down
Down for me to give me a thrill
Everytime you touch me, everytime you hold me
My heart starts beating like a train on a track
I love you baby and it's plain to see
I love you honey it was made to be
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy (...guitar solo...)
Heaven must have sent you down
Down for me to give me a thrill
Everytime you touch me, everytime you hold me
My heart starts beating like a train on a track
I love you baby and it's plain to see
I love you honey it was made to be
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy

Of going and reading

2011-03-14T19:03:00.003Z

I want to go There. I have got to go. To the grassroots, to see with my own eyes. I want to have had a first-hand experience, I want to go and see for myself what it's like to be there, in the middle of it. Till you go, you know nothing. I want to feel the misery that they feel, the life and times that they breathe in and breathe out daily. I want to experience the anguish and the savagery, the pain and the dim ray of hope, which, like the glow of an incandescent bulb on a faraway hill, is lonesome in its existence. Only, they may not have electricity there.

I want to observe and I want to capture it in my words. I want to understand what's happening, not from a far corner while travelling in swanky metro or sitting in the comfort of my home. That's why I took up journalism and am into law, isnt' it? To give a meaning to my love for the written word..to do what I like best; to do and to conjoin it with a 'purpose'. Now is the time to go, to see, to observe, to be. I know it in my blood.

There.

Would liberty, justice, democracy and rights seem incoherent There? And do the arms of bureaucracy and law and the mumbo-jumbo of sovereign socialist democratic republic mean anything to Them? Where people fight and die for what is legally their own. Where what is their fundamental right is taken away from Them and a banal statute is thrown at their faces when questions are raised. I talk of not one place, I just talk of a place called 'There'. I talk of not a particular group, I talk of 'Them'. I talk not of a region, I talk of its living, breathing, seething, sighing, crying yet muted people.

Over the years, we have seen situations change. We know how inimitable series of action and reaction leaves behind the core issues as debates are politicized, governments are elected and ousted, scams are carried on and busted and news gets broken. Changes take place but nothing really changes. I want to go to that zone where it has ceased to matter. And there's no dearth of 'Theres' here, is there?

When Jeremy Bentham talked of Utilitarianism - he perforated the idea succinctly into "the greatest good for the greatest number of people'..classic Utilitarianism has been rejected by many, but the idea stands and sounds good to the ears -- till you find yourself standing among the smaller number of people standing for your legitimate right. Whether it be land acquisition, positive discrimination, regionalism or plain simple class hierarchy.

I wish I could just go..no philanthropy there, I want to go for me. To the places of unrest, to the ravines and the villages where nothing reaches, to perhaps help teach a class in some remote settlement, to the valley of unrest and unemployment. I don't know what my mission is, but I won't be without a cause.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today I read a chapter out of Amartya Sen's excellent book "Development as Freedom". The essay, titled "Culture and Human Rights" talks of three different yet interspersed critiques of the prevalent concept of human rights, freedom, duties and justice. Towards the end he defends what is so-called "Asian values" in a bid to quash the popular and accepted notion that liberty, rights, freedom, democracy, atheism, skepticism and other such ideas are predominantly Western by origin. He takes us through Asian history, through the times of Ashoka and Kautilya and does a comparative analysis of Asian writings with that of Western thought. He argues that though Indian culture did not emphatically strive for egalitarian form of society and that 'duties' instead of 'rights' were the guiding principles, but the concepts which are now termed Western were very much there, yet blended in a dissimilar cultural tone. He talks of tolerance and popular perceptions about Hinduism and Islam as historically being 'authoritative' till the liberal Western thought came along. He differs from the popular perception and gives interesting proofs about cross-cultural influences in the past which make sure today that no modern concept is completely Western or completely Eastern. That there has to be a sophisticated, more complex view about what is loosely, wrongfully, and 'over-simply' termed 'Asian values', 'African culture' and so on. Not only are these thoughts shallow but also add to the divisiveness among Nation States, when the need is to recognize 'diversity' within different cultures.

Not only was the read interesting, but I also got an idea how theories are formed and presented. How assumptions and presuppositions made and how random observations ought to be sewn.

The hot pursuit of happyness

2011-03-12T06:26:00.003Z

I don't have a word for this feeling. But I am sure there exists a word in the english lexicon for it..perhaps the word is a relative of 'curiosity'. For so many months now, intermittently though, I have been reveling under the heady feeling of the simple ginormous playing field that spreads for miles ahead of me.. and like a mind game I gotta collect all the goodies (read knowledge) as I travel through the field... Its the sweet thirst for this knowledge.. there's just so much so learn and there's just so much I want to get to the bottom of. And all this makes me dizzy and drunk.

I read Jurisprudence and I lose track of time and place.. There is so much more to know about it and I ache to know it all ... but I know it will take time and one need be patient with such things ... I read literature and I ache to read ALL books by a given author of my like...I wanna read Pablo through and through, to have read works of poetry in Urdu and Hindi as well.. historical more than contemporary. I'd watch some historical movie or a moving documentary, avail myself free subscription of an online documentary and there I go..overwhelmed by the enormity of all that's left for me to learn and loving every bit of it! Sometimes hating the fact that I don't have the time.. loving the fact that I have the hunger for it.. I want to know how the cosmos works - wanting to see all the best that discovery and Nat Geo offers.. then I move over to Africa and I want to know about the native history of each of those nations, I want to know all about tigers and their habits and then I want to be an expert on dogs as well... apart from these silly pursuits I want to have heard the best of music that mankind has ever heard, the best of books, autobiographies of the greats, their failures, their victories.. at times like these world becomes so small a place.. only the epistemic travails of the mind remains.. and I thrive in that .. the abundance of it all and as if all one needs to do is to jump and pluck. AND i have not even mentioned articles, news, views, opinion, studies and book of my field - human rights, cz interest in that goes unsaid.

This quest for knowledge is bewitching as much as it is infinitum.. there's simply too much that tempts me, gets my grey cells cracking and there I go googling, reading, enjoying ... and ALWAYS finding myself standing over a whole new arena of unexplored lands .. which I want to tread.. the thought is so gratifying..but I never am able to satiate the thirst..

And then there is news..my first beau.. needless to say (to myself) iin Dec and Jan, I was very much away from it. Am again catching hold of the broken strands..will take some time.. but I needed to break-away too. :)

Its not as if the love for subjects like history, philosophy, politics, anthropology struck me just now.. nor do I expect or intend to gain academic expertise in all of these..i just wanna 'know' a bit about all these - just to enjoy- plain and simple..and therein I realise that social sciences is the home of my mind. I am not 'come one come all' about these topics, am very much selective in what interests me .. but of late the subgroup called 'my choicest narrowed-down field of interest' has been burgeoning and flourishing..almost resembling a parallel eco-system of its own.

And there are the non-academic, non-intellectual pursuits I wanna follow.. I wanna travel a lot, i have realised that travel keeps me going (not just topographically).. I want to shop for stuff for my room and for that I wanna explore unconventional places.. there's an entire arena of fashion (the girl in me awakens) that now interests me.. i wanna check that out too.. but of course, these little pursuits are secondary to me in the mind for now..oh yea, I wanna learn to cook. (not happening).

So back to Juris and back to rights and liberty and equality debate.

Date a girl who reads by Rosemarie Urquico

2011-03-09T10:36:00.001Z

"Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes."

Kiska Rasta Dekhe

2011-03-02T17:41:00.001Z

Kiska Rasta Dekhe Aye Dil Aye Saudaai
Meelon Hai Khamoshi Barson Hai Tanhaee
Bhooli Duniya Kabhiki Tujhe Bhi Mujhe Bhi
Phir Kyon Aankh Bhar Aayee

Koi Bhi Saaya Nahin Raahon Mein
Koi Bhi Aayega Na Baahon Mein
Tere Liye Mere Liye Koi Nahin Ronewala
Jhoota Bhi Naata Nahin Chaahon Mein
Tu Hi Kyon Dooba Rahe Aahon Mein
Koi Kisi Sang Mare Aaisa Nahin Honewala
Koi Nahin Jo Yoon Hi Jahan Mein Baate Peer Parayee 
Kiska Rasta Dekhe Aye Dil Aye Saudaai...

Tujhe Kya Beeti Hui Raaton Se
Mujhe Kya Khoi Hui Baaton Se
Sej Nahin Chita Sahi Jo Bhi Mile Sona Hoga
Gai Jo Dori Chhooti Haathon Se 
Lena Kya Toote Hue Saathon Se
Khushi Jahan Maangi Toone Wahin Mujhe Rona Hoga
Na Koi Tera Na Koi Mera Phir Kiski Yaad Aai
Kiska Rasta Dekhe Aye Dil Aye Saudaai...

Non-sense

2011-03-01T09:47:00.001Z

The more things change the more they remain the same. So so true. As
if the changes happen in some other mindzone some other timezone
oblivious of the reality. In a way so much has happened in past two
years, yet I'm stil exactly where I was. So much has changed on the
outside but in one way, perhaps nothing has changed. Change and
No-Change are then perhaps mere perspectives. I just realised how
somethings will never leave me, a certain volcanoes however dormant
will remain volcanoes still.

Does any of it make slightest of sense?

i hv no idea

2011-02-28T11:40:00.002Z

The ever-logical me, I am just not ready to see sense in this situation. Not that what I think bereaves of good sense and not that what they say is all sense. But I am unable to accept it or live with it. I not even ready to be patient about it and sit and think or even brush aside the matter because well, ultimately, its their lives their money their wish. But is it? Right through childhood they tell you you are a unit, that you belong and they belong to you, that ultimately it will come down on your shoulders, right through your growing up years they tell you to value the hard-earned money and that it is as much my own as theirs. And i grow up like that. The modest me will never take the money as my own, would never place a bigger claim on anything than them, would never even expect hem to listen to what I have got to say. But i am unable to do so right now. I am sick and tired of the diatribe about how, what, where, when and old age. And I understand. BUT i also do NOT understand why they think they are the only people? And supposedly they are afraid of getting old and being alone then why not act smart and close the various accounts and learn to settle in peace and security? No way! Before we turn old we are already tensed about oh what we are gonna DO to pass our time! Man! Why not enjoy???? Why do you always have to keep fighting the daily war of wager? Take up gardening, join a gym, play sudoku, watch re-runs of ALL mythological programmes (trust me i bought them the whole series of mahabharatha.which well, created another mahabharatha).. make it possible for your self to visit you three married daughters for a few weeks every now and then (alright two for now).. or your brothers in the mountains or on pklain simple vacations! Why not have a life where you are safe and MY MIND IS AT PEACE about you!

God, my mind splits at the seams when I see them spending money in order NOT to spend money. I have never been a miser, even less so when the spending is about being comfortable! But the sad part is that they are not doing much for their own comforts. They are buying assets without any intention of using them. And that kills me.. because i picture them working even when they are past 60 and i feel thats a failure of another kind. All your life you have slogged, right from scratch you have built up whatever you have and now that it is time for you to enjoy the output of your sweat you are again planning a new journey. As much as I salute your stamina I pity that you can't relax and I pity that THEN I can't relax. :(

I am not ready to listen to sense. This is beyond me. I don't like it. I so have a bad feeling about it. :( And I can't say another word. You already know I am against the bloody 'project'.. for two years I have kept mum and I will continue to do so..cz i see you guys happy about it. But I (with my minimalistic fiscal knowledge), happen to know that this is not the time for this.

Today when I want to talk to you about all this, I can't because I don't know if all this is mine enough to be asking you not to do a certain thing. I certainly am no one to tell you what to do or not to do, you may as well invest and lose and I will never ever say anything. Its yours to lose as much as yours to give or not to give me. But I want to know if I can wish for your future peace and recreation .. or should I keep mum there too?? If I have even 5 per cent say, I would wanna use that and take decisions which i think are in your long-term favour.. but what to do when the 95 per cent say you exercise seems poor strategy to me? My 5 per cent is as good as a dead rat.. no good use.

phew..lv u yaaaaar

so much

2011-02-20T09:05:00.001Z

There's so much going on in my mind that I wish I had a pensieve like the one Dumbledore did and float in there ..but I don't wish to transcend through time - i don't care to skim through the translucent surfaces of past or future right now. Its here and now that's more interesting. :) I am sure all I say sounds so abstract and contextually challenging! But where to take this intense madness that I AM at times?! Does it have a shore? Sigh.

I surmise

2011-02-16T14:34:00.002Z

Gandhi could have well chosen to take a bus from Sabarmati Ashram to reach the seas in defiance of the Salt Law. But he chose to walk. And that created all the difference. 'Dandi Drive' could never have achieved what 'Dandi March' did. It got the Britisher's goat; provoking them into provoking the Indian masses! The irony was that they still could not jail him for it would have been like rubbing salt on to their wounds. haha. They later did though, and ended up instigating the already seething India. The world press played a significant role at the time. It unveiled the British hypocrisy for the world to condemn. The debate about Gandhi and his 19th century ways in the 20th century goes on. But the man was sheer genius. No denying that.

We keep seeking the shortest route. With constraints of time and speed hanging around our neck, our natural approach to any problem is to seek a solution that is the fastest, the shortest and the most direct. Gandhi traveled 240 miles on foot, covered scores of Indian villages along the way and made way for the British police to arrest him. He commenced his walk with 78 companions and ended spurting an entire population into action and courage. That was engineering.

~~~~~~~~

There are times and situations when symbolism matter more than the achievement of the objective. What ensues may sink in the abyss of time and disappear in the amnesia of the masses, but not certain symbolic momentary gestures. It's this humble symbolic gesture that touches hearts and minds. That's why perhaps an angry mob would never tire from burning effigies. That's why people danced on streets when the statue of Saddam Hussein was toppled at Firdaus Square in Iraq by the American military. (Ironically though some years later at the very Square civilians gathered up demonstrating the American occupation of Iraq.) Sometimes the result is of secondary consequence. The impression carved and pronounced by such symbolic moves acts like a fuel. That what Gandhi had almost in his blood was an understanding of this simple psychology. Once you understand this, you will find it evident in all his tactics to be heard and yet ensue peace. The public burning of English cloth and merchandise - that which was called Civil Disobedience, the wearing of a plain simple homespun loincloth at all times (even during a bitter London winter), his otherwise earthen way of living and also the Dandi march. Another interesting point was the frank countenance with which he put in effect his ideas. He'd himself write to the Viceroy apprising him of his agenda - yep, the man was a pain. But again, a genius. The point he wanted to drive home was not that he could make salt, the point was that they (the British government) should not stop him from using what is his, that a law which is against the very people it is made for, must be put through the test of disobedience and resisted by the people.

~~~~~~~~

As history unfolded in Egypt this past week with a surprisingly non-violent protests against Hosni Mubarak, I felt a twinge of happiness run through me. To see a people's movement leading the way and a three-decade-old rule of oppression coming to end is heartening. But more heartening is the non-violent nature of the protest. At a time when war, fear and bloodshed seem to do the talking in International politics, Egypt has humbled everyone and forced Governments of the world to take note. Long live revolution!

I

2011-02-16T09:16:00.002Z

"Our lives are NOT being lived on a stage. My fears, trepidations, success and failures are my own to carry, face or gloat about. Life is longer than I think. There is time. That what is ostensibly a race, is actually a semblance to bog me down. There IS no race. Nor exists a 'perfect' happiness to be achieved through love OR work. If happiness has to be there, it has to be inside my mind, to be realised by my actions and effectuations. Happiness is just how I choose to see it. My life. I choose."

I wrote the above late one night at a cathartic moment that was to be the end of a lot of negativity. It was a phase when expectations and failures was all I could conceive. Life echoed nothing but dissonance of busy feet racing past me, pelting ahead of me and I stood alone transfixed amidst those unknown faces. The fear was not of failure but of being at a place I did not belong, with expectations on my head and fear of a love-less, ungracious life looking at me in the face.

That night when I spoke to myself, I destroyed the stage that I had set up as the ghost of my past. I tore off its walls and burnt away the jury that was to give a verdict on my self. I also took charge of my emotions. That I won't be drifted against my grain and nor would I let my emotions control me at moments when mind should be given the rein. I also shook hands with failure. Instead of hiding from it or chiding it or struggling with it - i said - bring it on, I shall handle. I made myself the center of my life that day. I was the marrow to myself, I was the kernel, I was the axis. No one else ever was to pin me down.

And you know, when I enlarged my parameters.. when I gave me the reins to do all I could for me and then took an aerial view of the situation, troubles began to denigrate. It began to shrink in size.

I don't know if people go through this. My upbringing, my experiences played definitive roles.. i was trapped in my self while trying to match steps with others. I wouldn't do that, so I had begin to grow afraid - of life itself.

I was just going through some old drafts on my cell today and found this piece and back came the memory of that night. I would be happy if some young girl ever reads it and cuts herself some slack. :)

I'm there

2011-02-14T16:55:00.003Z

I am there where madness meets insanity and a lunatic is born
I am there where your memories are more romantic than you
I am there where there is nowhere to be
I am there where the winters give me the chills for keepsakes
I am there where I'm late and the world's an infinite clock
I'm there where law is literature, law is an oath, and law beholds
I'm there where I fantasize about you while in someone else's arms
I'm there where loneliness gives me company
I'm there where a hot shower is also consummate
I'm there where lovers meet and kiss and touch
I'm there where there is so much of shame that the veil is shy
I'm there where artistes worship their muse and nights cry
I'm there where books are mislaid
I'm there where nothing is ever lost in time
I'm there where your absence is all I have of you

layers

2011-02-14T16:48:00.001Z

Life's trouble's are kinda broke these days. A lot of good has happened this past one month..i have become surer of myself, i have heard good news from lot many sources..in short life has been busy and better. Except from the sickness, all is hunky dory. But there is stuff that always has and always will remain planted in my mind. Layers upon layers of days, months, years would settle on the time that is called 'now', but strands of random memories will always remain there..eclipsing me from my own reality. And at times like these when you cannot say what you have to ~ it kinda belittles your past. Leaving you confused. I guess I am not explaining it properly. But, then that's the idea.

I stand at the precipice of a comfortable fortress right now but even here, i'm ill at ease.

There is so much I want to write in you..just don't take me seriously..

love

Neha

It so happens..

2011-02-13T09:28:00.001Z

Valentines' tomorrow and how i want it to swoosh past me without as much as a ting-a-ling sound! Not that I store a great deal by it now. But it does rub some wires around the strings of our hearts and whoa, I would wanna do without that particular itch. But its fun also! It kinda teases one, dunnit? Wanting one to sit up and do something one's bland love life.. the absence or the near suspension of it! :D but then what makes me so happy..na its not happyness per se.. it's js that I am hopeful of times to come. and I am kinda fine right now. I love to see me like I am right now.. independent, fun, happy, hopeful and all those beautiful things I always have had .. all those romantic ideas sit pretty somewhere.. and im not in a hurry .. which makes me feel im sitting on a love-mine! :) This is so not like me! ME- the ever achy, ever effervescent, ever flaky, ever impatient, ever in love -Moi. Guess, I am on path to growing up, yup.

I am quite interestingly reading a lot of books these days : here's the list..

1. Second Sex - yea, again

2. Lady Chatterley's Lover: Started it again.. wanted to know what the katzenjammer was all about'

3. Les Miserables: its vanished or something from my car. THIS is wat i really really wish to read and finish now.

4. R.K. Narayan's collection

5. Gabriel Garcia Marquez: Short Story Collection (Thank You Navin!)

6. Far from the Maddening Crowd: (still struggling with it)

So, i keep picking one of these up..from car, from my room, from my other room, from the bathroom and so on..

Love Story is on on television and err.. the sad part is about to begin. So.. since I do not want to start crying..(this book n movie do that to me EVERYTIME) I am gonna switch channels and I am gonna do some work. :) tk cr dear blog..

little panther

2011-02-04T12:51:00.001Z

Love you panther and miss you a lot.. every night i nearly call out to you asking you to go get your leash so we could go out together..i hate it when anyone still lets the main gate remain open... i nearly end up choking myself when that happens. but you know panther, you still make me smile my love.. after all the crying is done, i end up smiling miraculously.. on one of your mischiefs of tantrums.. and your innate ability to make me love you endlessly. I can't believe sometimes what i have lost. But then, when you were here i could not believe what i really had. the enormous joy of having you around and the enormous grief of losing you.. i really can't say which one weighs more. certainly the former. i want it to be the former. i only wish i could hug you at moments like these. just that one grant. you're my little one.

In train (dated 24.01.11)

2011-02-03T16:34:00.001Z

Heya.. Im sitting here on d top berth of rajdhani express wid my book
.. Wantd to check if one can sms from the train..in the middle of
nowhere from somewhere in uttar pradesh :)

Something is missing from me these past few days.. I dont even know if
i am missing something concrete or abstract. I have been reading this
other book by Elizabeth Gilbert. Its good, its interesting,
borderlines on being an irritating research book but she makes some
very valid points on love, marriage and commitment .. the book is
called 'Committed-a love story'. Im near around about to finish it.
The other book i got here with me for the trip is Victor Hugo's Les
Miserables.. Its a political satire, im sure im gonna enjoyyy.

Umm....i got soooo much to write.. But i dont want to make all
public.. Hehe.. And therein u get wat d biggest drawback of blogging
is about. :) i hope this post gets publishd.

And wil keep writing! Xoxoxox

err...

2011-01-18T22:49:00.001Z

I am still in Dubai.. i miss my people (all of u!), my home (yeaa i do miss it), my routine (but thats what i wanted to chuck in the first place).. i think of many people here.. and fondly so..and make plans what i am gonna do when i meet them and the baggage full of gifts for everyone that I am bringing home with me.. :D i have been quite chor too.. each time i would see smthing irresistable and would wanna buy for meself, my alter ego would look at me questioningly "ok, thats for u, and so what are u gonna buy for so & so?" ( background sound: intermittent foot tapping)..so i would end up buying two of those.. and then when i would see smthing else that is irrestible and i decide thats for so & so .. i would end up buying two of that thing too cz well.. its irresistable to me too, isnt it? hehe.. in time i have learnt to dodge such temptations.. i simply buy a lot of stuff for a lot of people. AND to top it all.. tomorrow i have kept exclusively for shopping! I mean! I am enjoying the ordeal here.. may be because i dont need to shop here!

You know i had neevr dreamed of or never much wanted a life full of such utopian relaxation and fun.. i have always enjoyed working.. or moving towards smthing.. this break is something that can really really be called a brakeeee-- a shift from my routine.. a stark contrast to the other neha and yet a dollop of her old self everynow and then. <3

You see, here all i do is make tea or read and write. Otherwise, i only look good, go for outings, meet a few new people and eat and lie down back at home and take it slow and easy. I mean, thats all i do! get up, get dressed up, go out, enjoy the sunsets, enjoy the drives,.. enjoy the sea..and make tea for everyone. tadaaannnnnnn..thats neha these days. and its gud fun.. also bcz i have nothing to do here. Hardly anyone calls.. since i do not carry a cell phone.. (again, what a relief) .. i wish i could go to the beach daily though. :P gurls never get satisfied do they? I did not even bring my laptop..i can say this holiday like the most natural flavoured icecream ever.

I know im going back to del in a few days and i know im gonna be sucked into the daily routine and before I'd know it i would have devised a cruel plan for myself.. the great escape route. but why think of that now? keep afloat.

I must tell u i had a bit of vodka tnight. I took such small quantity that it actually shameful.. but i enjoyed the canada dry i had it with. <3

I miss my kittens a lot.. they have grown up somewhat... when i go home im gonna hold them and hold them and never let them goooooo!

once home im again leaving delhi for a week.. and i cant get enough of travelling right now.. its phunnn

actually i have nothing much to write tonight except that i dont feel sleepy at all.. and though i am yawning every now and then i dont want to drag myself to the bed and slip inside the blanket right now...

today we went to ski dubai.. i froze inside..no, really. The temp there was in minus..and thr was snow all arnd.. i felt so cccold...and.. it was amazing how in a desert country like UAE they have managed to keep an entire building freezing.. i actually saw some stalactites and stalagmites :P. Talk of refrigerators! My lips went numb and my nose turned pink and of course i could not tell my feet from my hands.. it was THAT bloody cold..i had trouble talking at times when we reached greater heights. ggggggrrrjrhhh.. i wwwwont go there everrr again! though must say it was freeeezin' fun!

While roaming around in the snow park, I wished to be with someone.. to have someone's warm hands in mine.. or better still to warm hands with someone in that white white white jungle of snow and a few conferous trees. You know, i do get senti when i see utter beauty or utter comfort..or in this case utter romantic setting.. i feel like deferring the moment.. for times in future.. as if we humans have a limited number of good days left for us.. and i want all my good days later..later.. later! And yea.. i become quiet at times like these.. for I know not what lies ahead.. perhaps i have already used up my good days? what then? why am i here then? :) naah.. i haven't lost my marbles.. js sayin.

sometimes i see people around me so casually giving away what they have..without realising what they have it,.. sometimes i see them cribbing even when they have the biggest joy on earth.. and then i see me..wearing one of those sad caps wearing gum boots and gloves in an urban antarctica surmising, dreaming, aching for the invisible. And it is at times like these and take a mental u-turn and restart the counting. But we are who we are.. we are humans born with this innate desire to dream and curse to pine..and we keep on doing that..:) no one's lesser of a mortal here. AND it is at times like these that i like human beings for being human.

We should always count our blessings.

a red couch

2011-01-17T09:37:00.001Z

a RED couch

these nights

2011-01-17T07:25:00.002Z

Sigmund Freud said that dreams illustrate the logic of the unconscious mind. So if one wanted to reach, understand or analyse one's unconscious mind, dreams could be a "royal road". For many days now I am experiencing the most bizarre and impossible dreams. I have always been a heavy sleeper... once asleep I usually do not wake up in the middle of the night unless im sick... and so my dreams I guess are very very powerful and stay with me throughout the day. I know that 10 minutes of conscious sleep could transform into days in a dream, but what i am concerned is something else. I have always loosely interpreted my dreams as some internal longing or stress. But these days even though I am in one of the most relaxing vacations of my life, I dream of moments unanswerable, of people I hardly know now.. or once knew and of people who are no more alive. This shouldn't disturb me of course.. but the intensity and frequency is something that's befuddling me. A few days back I dreamt of a friend in school who is no more, the next day it was a long forgotten acquaintance from the school bus, yesterday and day before also it was the same. People i haven't thought of or considered important, i keep seeing them in my dreams.. last night know who i dreamed of? And this was not someone personally familiar to me ofcrs. It was Ajmal Kasab being taken to the gallows in bus.. strange but ajmal asab changed into a woman in the middle of the dream and was actively participating in the arrangements of his death.. there was a bus full of people, including me, who were going in the same bus.. and it could be that we would also die. And so we kept on travelling..and kept on travelling..we reached a place where there was not a soul to be seen but barren land and gallows. Kasab, who was by now a woman.. (secretly i was also unsure if this was really the female kasab), his/her cellphone kept ringing.. and he wasn't afraid of anyone but the tall military guys.. the short one's she was even friendly with.. what happened next i don't know.. it was a funny cruel dream to say the least. But why were the other people in the bus, those who i had forgotten in my conscious mind? I dont think about these people, i left them in school or my earlier neighbourhood and never paid much attention. I know, i am going no where with this weird post.. but its funny.. how i keep meeting these people everynight in dream who i never think of when awake or haven't thought of for months on end. Its like my dreams got a memory of their own.

the moment

2011-01-13T11:22:00.001Z

These days i feel that the moment a person decides to take his life.. each time he does that is, in a peculiar way, a moment of truth and the peak of knowledge. Every other moment is a nicety we keep feeding our heart and soul.