station

I am just so low right now... that i didn't even wanna write but speak..js let my own voice soothe me.. i dont know.. ye station toh chhod aayi thi.. yahan toh bas intezaar kia tha.. yahan se  to chal padi thi aur kabhi nahi utarna tha yahan. Par fir aaj raat ke teen baje sunai diya ki ye toh wahi jagah hai. Khidki se dekhti hu toh .. wahi nazara hai yahan.. kankaal se ped bhojil zameen par ruaanse khadein hai.. chai ki khushboo toh hai par naam-o-nishaan nazar nahi aata. Yahan is platform par door door tak koi nahi bas sannata hua karta tha un dino.. aaj bhi wohi hai aaspaas. Thand nahi hai, par thand ki chadar lapete raat khadi hai ek kone mein. Shayad dekhne aayi hai, ki main rukti hu ki nahi. Thithur ke rail ke darwaze tak toh pahunch gayi hu par utarne ki himmat nahi hai mujhmein. Pichli baar ka tajurba bhulaye kahan bhulta hai. Is station par utarti hu toh gaadi jhat chali jati hai..rengti hui si dikhayi deti hai jaise chhod ke jane ka soch ke aayi ho. Badi muddat ke baad se pakdi thi pichli dafa.. is baar ik paun bhi neeche nahi rakhungi. Aisa bhi toh nahi hai ki ek baar hi chooti thi gaadi meri.

He made me love him without looking at me

"I used to rush into strange dreams at night: dreams many-coloured, agitated, full of the ideal, the stirring, the stormy--dreams where, amidst unusual scenes, charged with adventure, with agitating risk and romantic chance, I still again and again met Mr. Rochester, always at some exciting crisis; and then the sense of being in his arms, hearing his voice, meeting his eye, touching his hand and cheek, loving him, being loved by him--the hope of passing a lifetime at his side, would be renewed, with all its first force and fire. Then I awoke. Then I recalled where I was, and how situated. Then I rose up on my curtainless bed, trembling and quivering; and then the still, dark night witnessed the convulsion of despair, and heard the burst of passion." - Charlotte Bronte (Jane Eyre)

It's hard to contain myself right now, hard to gather the thoughts together - as the senses fill with an incense that what was kindled long time back. When I was first introduced to passion and internally never left its side. That heady feeling created by interesting reads, stirring motion pictures and sometimes brainstorming sessions with ones self - something similar seems awakened. And it's making me smile amidst all that I do not understand. How to react when you continue to find your self where you were nearly ten years ago? Each time you check on yourself - you find 'it' working for you. And you mentally hug yourself in relief and pity. Things have changed thence..but not that one insane idea or that one insane moment. It's almost an intuition and yet no where in person. Not in form and not with even a hint of reality. But it appeals, invokes and calls out and you find yourself walking towards it. As if all the time lived till then was one big wait, which might've just got over. A heady heady heady delusion.

i told you i could cook B-)

 I made these over the last few weeks and have been waiting to post these to the blog..finally, i do it.

Chocolate Coffee Truffle Cake 

 Pastaa (the white is cheese)

 Paneers-the-tikkas (forgot to click the green chutney i made)

My super favorite : Banana Cake

listopia

i lyk self-deprecating-laughter-type people

i enjoy keeping people in the dark till they realise it's my doing

i have a raw way of doing things

i 'also' like flirting

i am dainty, frail and needy in heaps. insecure too.

i am strong, protective, caregiver and complete

i lie sometimes. My lies usually end in surprises.

i think lying otherwise is too much hardwork. Not interested.

i love observing men at their workplace

i like the folded-sleeve, laid-back, relaxed look on guys

i like to have choices. I usually opt out when thrust on me.

i am prone to addiction. It's in my nature.

if i do, i trust blindly. Trust is an inerrant instinct, which may still go wrong.

i would like to be proposed in a library between stacks of my favorite reads

i am prone to heartache and heartburn

i love pink sunflowers

i can't smoke, hardly drink, love to smile. Been sometime. Tried all.

i like to think of me as a housewife. Flirting with the dangers of this idea. never gonna happen.

i love to be surrounded by books and stationary and i enjoy being around cubicles

i love all animals by instinct. dogs top my chart. cats a close second.

i tried to hurt myself with a knife once, thought about committing suicide a zillion times

On my last birthday i wore a white dress with floral prints.

i bought it with an unknown guy. I didn't let him see me in it.

i like having a car but hate maintaining it

i am superstitious about a few things. I secretly think I own a cursed ring.

i feel uncomfortable with over-friendly people

as much as i feel romantic in rain, a part of me always begins to feel sad and lonesome when it pours

i like wild grass and dew drops on windowpanes

i honestly think dogs would make better humans, at least more cuddly

i love it that by now you think I am crazy. 


posting this was a self-dare.

na nothing

the quietude of the night echoes through the cobbled streets..  streets running through my head. Where newer lanes are fast emerging and dissolving, appearing, vanishing, building and continuing. absolutes are not absolutes. solitude stands transfixed as a state of mind. yet sometimes i don't have the pleasure of pain. happiness, the consciousness of an unnamed pleasure eludes and teases. the dawn rises with the sun or the sun with the dawn? What is to be looked forward to and what skipped? Are trepidations worth facing or bearing as a constant reality, an unrelenting hiatus along which we sway. questions are sometimes hard to answer but harder to frame.

Kabhi Suni

Kabhi Suni..

Kabhi suni apni pasandeeda keetab ke panno ki farfarahat? Aur kya chaha kabhi ki usmein chhalang dein maar? Kya hawa se baatein karti patang ki pehli udaan ki awaaz se baat ki kabhi?! Patton ki kashmakash se bhari fusfusahat ko sun gudgudi hui kabhi?!


Kabhi jab joota fata toh suna tha kya? Wo 'charrrrr' si awaz jise liye mochi ko dhundne nikle they, jab langraati chaal ko dekh sab khoob hase they. Aur akele mein khud ko dekh itna hasse they ki pait dukha tha!

Rail ki khidki se doobte sooraj ko dekhte huye.. Dhyan se suni kabhi chakkon ki awaaz aur fir door se aati engine ki hool.. 

Par kya suni tootte huye dil ko marodti sikodti awaaz .. bojhil aankhon se bund girne ki bheeni si awaaz?

Suni hai wo awaz jo patto ki sarsarahat se nikalti hai, sadko pe rengti gaadion ke pahiyon se ho kar, pani ik bund ban aankho mein bas jati hai?

Suni hai wo awaz jo bachon ko sunai deti hai? Jab maa bas hath bhar fer de sar par.. Chup kara dene wali woh awaaz.. Neend mein aaram ko pirone wali ik awaz

Kabhi gaur kiya kaise bin bole, ik panchhi kitna kuch keh jata hai, uchaiyo se baatein kar, zameen ko azaadi ki jhalak dikhata hai.. Uski udaan jab milti hai kshitij se, lagta nahi aasmaan ne use apnaya hai?

Kabhi baadal ko garajta sun, seheme se bache ki pukar suni hai? Aur kya suna hai kabhi barish ke gehen sannatte ko? Kya raat ki maddham lau ko sakpakate suna hai? Kabhi mombatti ki roshni mein khud ko rote suna hai?

Kabhi suni hai aawaz kisi nanhe bharose ke tootne ki?
Wo aawaz jo kaan se nahi suni jati. Jo karkash toh nahi par asehniye hai, jo bebas hai daineeye hai..

'Usne' jab haath thama, tab apne dil ko kalabaziyaan karte suna tha maine, par uski dhadkan ko kano se laga ke dekha nahi kabhi.. sochti hu ab jab ye likhti hu, ki jaane kaisi hoti hogi.

Kuch awaazein hum sun kar nahi sunte..Kuch awaazon se door bhaagne ke liye kaano mein rui nahi daali jati.

Par apni kitaabon ke panno ki farfarahat sada ki tarah yaad hai mujhe.. :)

of broken ankles, unintended rhymes and puns

I'm holding on, and i'm holding fast..
Trying to capture your downward glance
the trance the purpose might not last
but the spell the jinx has been cast

i have no idea from where these lines popped into my head..lead by
need to rhyme i guess.

I broke my ankle a few days back. Bad. Too bad. Was jumping and happy
about the late night rain 2 days back.. thought I will go to the
rooftop and get wet but before I could as much as get one strand of
hair wet, I fell from the stairs with a ''thudd'' and my ankle ...well
let's say i heard a loud 'crackk' and I knew it was big. The swelling
took shape of a golf ball inside my ankle..the pain was enormous and
everything went dizzy, I held on to the railing and called out to my
mom..crying and howling i was lifted back to my room. Ice cubes were
rubbed on the swollen ankle but ultimately we had to go to doc so late
at night, got x-ray done and got plaster around my foot. The only good
thing about the whole incident, was the color of the plaster - a
bright and lively pink.

I had an exam the day after because of which panic struck. Anyway, I
went and took the exam, broken foot or not.

So, that's that. As usual humour makes it better but I hate to be
dependent, I hate to ask for things cz i cant get up, I hate to be
served  meals in the bed room and I hate not to be able to go for a
walk (even indoors)..but on the brighter note, I am fine. The ligament
fracture and muscle tear would be ok in 3 weeks time. I got 3
different tests to take in this time.. and i hope to get some sympathy
marks. :P

Now that I can't go anywhere all my attention is focussed on - of
course- food. I dream of banana cake and chilly potatoes. aah.

Hey did I tell you.. a few days back I went ahead with my
cook-wish-list and made choco-coffee cake and man, was it
finger-lickin delicious! My stomach churns when I think of it. ;) too
bad I can't make it again for nearly 3 weeks. But then on a devilish
note I think I will..with a little help I will.

Chalo, my lunch is waiting for me.. it rained awesome today..
*shudders...it happened on a similar night* ;) the fall! (pun
unintended) ;)

the drawing board

Covered:

1. Austin's Positivism and Analytical School

2. Kelson: Analytical School

3. Historical School: Savigny & Maine

For today:

4. Roscoe Pound: Sociological School

An articulate piece by PBM in IE a few aday back: Second time as farce - Indian Express

There is so much I need to catch up on..phew, for now Jurisprudence. I do like it.

Its okay, baby

Some questions about them will always remain unanswered. She will always hate herself for somethings, and keep on loving him for somethings. They say real love doesn't die. But they don't say it lingers on, ebbs and flows, comes and never goes. That thing which she didn't even say was love. That thing which she so wanted to have but could not was love. That feeling she thought was not yet love was love. That what to her was just the threshold was love. That what she thought was an end was the beginning of love. But she was alone when it mattered the most. It must have been love, but it's over now.. it must have been good, but I lost it somehow..The song resonates in her head..as reality, right and wrong cease to matter..to the point of humour.. her heart knows yet it knows so little.. her mind plays games sometimes..oh she knows herself too well by now.. the little voice in her heart that she listens to grows distant and distant. Questions will linger like a mystery and answers, she has learned to stop looking for. One move and she's shaken. A stir and she awakens..

a wandering mind

Its all senseless at times.. the running around, the running after, the running before, the running in circles and the running-in-general. Like wasps we go around and about... Why are we born and why do we go through this whole deal of growing up, being who we have to be and then die..just die..just like that.. the thought that there is just this one life has haunted me for a long time.. i'm not asking for two, no i'm not. But the fact that we got only one puts so much pressure... one life.. one time one's gonna get married..ok one may have children more than once but there is so much that we are going to be just once..one road to take and one way to live and sometimes there are no u-turns you know..

And the reality is that we all want it to be just once! No we don't want it to be any other way. No. No. No. You getting me? Just because I sulk for something doesn't imply I wish not to have it. I am just wandering in the pointlessness of being.. the 'almost existence' of ours that borders on our extinction.

that what makes me happy

For past some time I have been trying some culinary experiments - and experiencing the joy of whipping up something out of something. I never thought i'm the kind who would enjoy it.. but surprisingly I find it soothing, relaxing and fun.


I recently made Banana Cake - and well, i really didn't expect me to be able to make it that good the first time round. The aroma was so thick with banana flavour that it made me fall in love with it. My eldest sister - a banana lover herself - fell for it and so did my other sis and mom. As I baked the cake it took the shape of a shiny dark brown dessert that tasted much much much better than the banana muffins I have had before. I am going to write down the recipe here on the blog one of these days. A big thanks to nisha my friend for hailing from Kerala (ha) and for telling me how to make it. :D

So well, I think i am finally taking the cooking thing seriously. More so cz it makes me happy. The going-shopping that precedes the cooking and the cutting-chopping-dicing and the aroma and the process, the wait as the dish cooks and then the anticipation whether it's good enough.

So lets me do some loud thinking here. What have i made till date:..i mean some serious cooking/bakingwise:

1.  Chilly Potato

2.  Fried Rice

3.  Manchurian

4.  Spring Rolls

5.  Subway type - Sub (but that was more arrangement than cooking)

6.  Paneer Kulcha

7.  Veg. Biryani/ Pulao

8.  Lachcha Parantha

9.  Malai Kofta

10. Paneer Tikka

11. Corn Kebabs

12. Chocolate Cake

13. Banana Cake

14. Mushroom-Corn Farmhouse Pizza

15. Nacho Chat

16. Macaroni (dont know if that counts)

17. Banana Shake (with iceceam and nuts)

:)) makes me happy this list.

I usually get the ideas from two friends of mine who are simply the best cooks ever.. but barring that these dishes i've often tried outside and made a mental note to try at home - much like a challenge. Like I did a home made 'sub', or farmhouse pizza or banana cake after eating banana muffin, or spring rolls or nacho chat etc. Trying to make these things at home is fun. I am sure I am not a very good cook yet. I just enjoy it for now. 

And let me add this: i'm not too big for traditional indian or mughlai dishes Let me be honest the malai kofta i made was not that great cz i misread a part of the recipe. But  try i did.

And now a list of what's on my mind. I have something for healthy cooking. I am not a big fan of fried, slimy, oily dishes and i try to avoid maida (cornflour).. so the challenge is to make the dish healthy (using wheat or samolina (suji) instead of maida and using less oil without compromising on the taste)

So now my wish list for the summer:

1. Malai Kofta

2. Coffee Cake ( thats a friend's recipe and includes..molten chocolate lava :))))

3. Pasta - the authentic pasta - the kind I ordered at big chill and loved

4. Mushroom Pasta (i recently bought a bag of fusilli pasta)

5. Kathi Roll
6. Apple Pie

7. Chocolate-Banana Shake

I think that's enough for days to come. gee, that made me happy.

:D

pointers

give your self a goal every day. it could be taking forward the same goal or some new one everyday.

find what you love to do

find something frivolous that you love to do - something that must give you PURE pleasure

that thing must result in something productive, something tangible or something you can see or touch or carry or listen to carry (so that excludes watching movies, listening to music going for walk (though giving you walking targets day after day is another thing))

once that goal is set. do it. bloody do it!

 

Words

http://savethewords.org/

rain writes a delhi morning :D

I woke up today to the sound of clitter-clatter-wham-boom-bam.. there was a windstorm about and random things were coming off people's rooftops.. some doors were left open and were hitting against the wall making all the noise. Still sleepy though, I went upstairs to the rooftop and was thankful the strong winds didn't whisk me off...  There was that fantastic refreshing morning chill that gave me the goosebumps. As I shifted my gaze up towards the clouds, down came little droplets of rain. As the propensity of rain increased so did the air current. Heavy diagonal rain fell all across tapping the ground and swooshed with a gush of strong winds. Standing in a comparatively drier spot, I began to shiver. And cz my dry haven was not a dry haven anymore..I thought it best to rush downstairs before the rain got me totally. I helped me with a cup of steaming chai and say by the rain drinking it and skimming through the papers. Such mornings make one wanna write. Gosh, how I miss it. The fact that I hardly got 4 hours of sleep notwithstanding. 

I wish I were in college today for the greens and the red brick buildings that make time stop. You go into a frenzy inside of you! But college is at its end (last exam to go now) and the future is unknown. As I say this I steer me away from all of that. :) and drive me back to the mausam and morning showers!

PS: nothing beats a good delhi rain - makes you love even your frosty eyed-nosed-lipsed neighbors!

:-?

Till now I was a matter of getting to be behind the steering.. to be in control of my life, my emotions and my choices however hard or frivolous. How hard it was, how much strength it required to gain back what I had lost. Now that I am on the driving seat with safety belt in place – life seems to be a crisscross of wayward roads..and all I do in my mind is steer. Steering away from thoughts that disturb me, steering towards that what keeps me distracted and happy or both. Sometimes I sit back and wanna relax, but as if on automaton following the Murphy's Law, the car moves towards the road I know is not right for me. Again I have to sit up, again look far ahead and assess the potential damage and swerve the mind and again navigate it away. *wipes off the forehead "phew!"*

 

It's funny actually sometimes. As if once you are sitting on a mad horse... you gotta keep it busy.. the moment you lose focus the horse goes mad..and on and on

 

I missed you ya.. my exams are going on.. three I'm done with and fourth one is tomorrow.. I have decided to study less.. last exam I studied way too much and I ended up sitting befuddled during the exam..simple matters became complicated just like that. If you look too hard you make a ghost out of nothingness. Something similar happened.

 

And I am so sleepy.

And suddenly I get sad.

:( wish u wr here

I just closed my eyes and imagined i ws stroking ur head. And a smile broke js when i thought i might cry. Its late into the night and it struck me you aren't around. Sometimes i look about my feet instinctively being careful lest i should step on your foot or smthin. Miss u my darling..nothing nothin nothin can ever make me happier than having you back with me. I dont let me think usually. But I miss you my buddy, my best friend, my baby. The smile has turned into an effort to stop d tears and as a droplet emerges from my eye..I only wish these memories of you wud never fade.. When i close my eyes and imagine running my hand through your hair..its seems real..and I am thankful that i could feel it again, but also afraid of time passin by..and the memories fading away .. I always want to be able to close my eyes and tease you, play with u.. Ur reactions to my calls r etched so deep..its easy to picture you.. As if u are not very far.. Who cares for reality then. I love you so much. Just know that my chota bacha.

Black. And White.

Hitherto it was a sketch in the making. Rapid strokes executed with nothing on mind. Those strokes intended for nothing, just a free rein for an eager mind. Bold black strokes rambled on in an unnerved motion on a still white canvas. Sometimes leading, sometimes lead on. Every day I learned something new. The unskilled fingers moved over and about the canvas, propelled by their existence. Unmindful of what was to become of it. On and on and on the paint brush moved and I never realised what it was fast becoming. I was busy naysaying perhaps.

As the sketch nears its fortification I stop and step back to see what's become of the canvas..and I smile. Stare hard enough and I can read faint sweeps to make out what the canvas now betrays. The colourless strokes have now a story etched in contours. Why does it surprise me still? And why do I blush? I ask myself in vain but it's a self rolling wheel. So free-spirited that neither time nor my eye can capture its motion in entirety.

Black. And White.

D'oh! ;)

Hey you,

Missed writing eh, but each time I'd come around, I'd end up writing something I wouldn't post. And it would get flipped headlong into the infinite depths of my unposted drafts! Once I ended up writing a 'motivational' poem..a feat almost impossible for me. I am one of those who can harp in melody when going gets rough, who can sit down and write odes to the pain! But a 'jo beet gayi so baat gayi' we 'painaddicts' can never come up with in prose.

Have been studying, doodling on last pages of my registers, dreaming of after study snacks and drinking tea, coffee, ice tea, milk, water, rooh afza, rasna, tang, you name it, I am washing it down my throat. There's a lot swirling and whirling in my mind.. it all eddies into colorful contours. And I like it that way.

So here's what I wrote.. i didn't like it much for its darn too simple. But well, you gotta KIS,S sometimes :)

At times to be quiet

we need to talk.

sometimes, to be still

we better take a walk

What may seem reverse 

might not really be

What strikes as a curse, 

nigh your blessing be

Be quiet, my love

not silent be.

quest (for) calm within

but not lifeless be

Gather thy courage

pick up thy core

head for a walk 

by your heart's shore

Now on to Interpretation of Statutes..an interesting subject. And hey that reminds me.. a detailed talk on Juris is dew. Oops. due. D'oh.

blank

Being home does it to me perhaps. I miss panther more than ever today. I wish i could just see him once..panting, licking his paws, asking for treats, trotting about..trying to hop on the bed, barking till my ear drums would burst to take him for walks, being ever so naughty and giving me great company.. putting his face on my lap and going to sleep.. looking like a frightened kid when I would bathe him.. and then do a jig sloshing soapy water all over me..doing nothing just 'being'.. i miss him so much all the time... of late even missing him had become something beautiful..I was able to achieve something i thought was only meant for poetry and wishful thinking.. the fact that you can actually miss someone and still smile .. the fond memories taking away the pain.. it was magical.. and though I knew the magic wouldn't last.. i knew for sure that it was magic, alright.

I miss him..i just don't know what else to say. I miss him.. very very deeply. :(

Baby, I tried hard not to write to you.. to not enlarge a pic of yours, to teach myself to steer towards those times which were amazing, skipping the reel where you were ill and i was in a constant state of silent subtle panic and fear of you going away. But we can only skip somethings sometimes.. :(

I know it will be fine.. I know for sure you are with me.. and I can still manage to smile as I try so hard to stop me from crying. Been four months I know.. but love is beyond time and place..right? It's even beyond existence.. it's just there..

I just love you so much

200th post

This is the 200th post. A lot has happened..and a lot remains neatly wrapped in the confines of future. Lots I have shared here, lots kept to myself and lots hinted at, I guess. I like this space. That's about all. 

Frozen

I wanna hug you, hold you, shake you, smother you.. as if you were my own. If pain were alphabets perhaps this is how they would read.

Her fingers twitch with a ferocity and a need to write, to write without a pause without as much as an interruption to breathe or think. She feels sad. Tonight.

She breathes and takes in the raw air. Wanting bad not to feel. But as always she fails. She wants bad not to write but she does. She wants bad to sleep so the night passes by, murkily in her sleep. But she can't.. all she wants to do is to write.. as if it were the solution, her absolution. Is she running or escaping? Moving away or silently returning? She cries hoarse to herself and to destiny.. that she does not want her mind to go back from where it just emerged.

Has nothing changed? 

She's afraid, so afraid she can't tell anyone. Afraid of getting trapped in the times she had frozen.

We are the Champions!! World Cup is ours! :D

We WON it!!! This is one of the most joyous moments of my life!!! We are the champions of World Cricket! :D It took 28 years!! Wil post pics in time! Love you all! This day was historic. This night is terrific! Indiaaaaa!!!! :D

not mine.

I never knew I would ever feel evicted from the place I call 'home'. And I promise I will never forget this. To give others their rights you sometimes have to let go of your own. You just look back at times when you didn't exercise your rights because you cared much more for their happiness. You still care but it's not needed! Can't you just see?!!

usay bhool ja..

Kahan aa ke rukne they rastay kahan morh tha usay bhool ja

wo jo mil gaya ussay yaad rakh jo nahi mila usay bhool ja
Wo tere naseeb ki barishein kisi aur chat par baras gayeen
dil-e-bekhabar meri baat sun usay bhool ja usay bhool ja
Main to gum tha tere hi dhyaan mein teri aas tere gumaan mein
sabah keh gayi mere kaan mein mere saath aa usay bhool ja
Kisi aankh mein nahi ashq-e gham tere baad kuch nahi hai kam
tujhe zindagi nay bhula diya tu bhee muskura usay bhool ja
Kyun attaa hua hai gubaar mein, gham-e-zindagi kay fishaar mein
wo jo dard tha tere bakht mein, so wo ho gaya usay bhool ja
Na woh aankh hi teri aankh thi, na wo kha'ab hi tera kha'ab tha
dil-e-muntazar to fir kis liye tera jaagna, usay bhool ja
Ye jo raat din ka hai khel isey dekh, ispe yakeen na kar,
nahi aks koi bhi mustaqqil sar-e-aaina usey bhool ja
Jo bisaat-e-jaan hi ulat gaya, wo jo rastay se palat gaya
usay roknay se hasool kya, usay mat bula, usay bhool ja
Toh ye kis liye shab-e-hizjr ke usay har sitaare mein dekhna
woh falak ki jispe mile they hum, koi aur tha usay bhool ja
Tujhe chaand ban ke mila tha jo tere sahilon pe khila tha jo
woh tha ek dariya wisaal ka so utar gaya usay bhool ja

link.. do listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNoqKOtiykI&feature=related

Buried

I am dead..i'm a ghost

I'm cradled, I'm lost

I'm human yet awry,

haunting your glory..

Like a toothless willow, a voluptuous sheen

I come in your innocuous dreams

I am your worst fear, I am your pain

I am your scruples, I am in vain

You Drive me Cra-yay-zzyyyy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwxn3WfM9G8

i wanna say this to someone! :D Its a happy happy morning :)

You drive me Cra-yay-zyyy!

You know baby when you're in my arms

I can feel your magic touch
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
And when I'm looking in those big blue eyes
I start flowing down in paradise
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
Heaven must have sent you down
Down for me to give me a thrill
Everytime you touch me, everytime you hold me
My heart starts beating like a train on a track
I love you baby and it's plain to see
I love you honey it was made to be
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy (...guitar solo...)
Heaven must have sent you down
Down for me to give me a thrill
Everytime you touch me, everytime you hold me
My heart starts beating like a train on a track
I love you baby and it's plain to see
I love you honey it was made to be
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy 

Of going and reading

I want to go There. I have got to go. To the grassroots, to see with my own eyes. I want to have had a first-hand experience, I want to go and see for myself what it's like to be there, in the middle of it. Till you go, you know nothing. I want to feel the misery that they feel, the life and times that they breathe in and breathe out daily. I want to experience the anguish and the savagery, the pain and the dim ray of hope, which, like the glow of an incandescent bulb on a faraway hill, is lonesome in its existence. Only, they may not have electricity there. 

I want to observe and I want to capture it in my words. I want to understand what's happening, not from a far corner while travelling in swanky metro or sitting in the comfort of my home. That's why I took up journalism and am into law, isnt' it? To give a meaning to my love for the written word..to do what I like best; to do and to conjoin it with a 'purpose'. Now is the time to go, to see, to observe, to be. I know it in my blood.

There.

Would liberty, justice, democracy and rights seem incoherent There? And do the arms of bureaucracy and law and the mumbo-jumbo of sovereign socialist democratic republic mean anything to Them? Where people fight and die for what is legally their own. Where what is their fundamental right is taken away from Them and a banal statute is thrown at their faces when questions are raised. I talk of not one place, I just talk of a place called 'There'. I talk of not a particular group, I talk of 'Them'. I talk not of a region, I talk of its living, breathing, seething, sighing, crying yet muted people.

Over the years, we have seen situations change. We know how inimitable series of action and reaction leaves behind the core issues as debates are politicized, governments are elected and ousted, scams are carried on and busted and news gets broken. Changes take place but nothing really changes. I want to go to that zone where it has ceased to matter. And there's no dearth of 'Theres' here, is there?

When Jeremy Bentham talked of Utilitarianism - he perforated the idea succinctly into "the greatest good for the greatest number of people'..classic Utilitarianism has been rejected by many, but the idea stands and sounds good to the ears -- till you find yourself standing among the smaller number of people standing for your legitimate right. Whether it be land acquisition, positive discrimination, regionalism or plain simple class hierarchy.

I wish I could just go..no philanthropy there, I want to go for me. To the places of unrest, to the ravines and the villages where nothing reaches, to perhaps help teach a class in some remote settlement, to the valley of unrest and unemployment. I don't know what my mission is, but I won't be without a cause.

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Today I read a chapter out of Amartya Sen's excellent book "Development as Freedom". The essay, titled "Culture and Human Rights" talks of three different yet interspersed critiques of the prevalent concept of human rights, freedom, duties and justice. Towards the end  he defends what is so-called "Asian values" in a bid to quash the popular and accepted notion that liberty, rights, freedom, democracy, atheism, skepticism and other such ideas are predominantly Western by origin. He takes us through Asian history, through the times of Ashoka and Kautilya and does a comparative analysis of Asian writings with that of Western thought. He argues that though Indian culture did not emphatically strive for egalitarian form of society and that 'duties' instead of 'rights' were the guiding principles, but the concepts which are now termed Western were very much there, yet blended in a dissimilar cultural tone. He talks of tolerance and popular perceptions about Hinduism and Islam as historically being 'authoritative' till the liberal Western thought came along. He differs from the popular perception and gives interesting proofs about cross-cultural influences in the past which make sure today that no modern concept is completely Western or completely Eastern. That there has to be a sophisticated, more complex view about what is loosely, wrongfully, and 'over-simply' termed 'Asian values', 'African culture' and so on. Not only are these thoughts shallow but also add to the divisiveness among Nation States, when the need is to recognize 'diversity' within different cultures.

Not only was the read interesting, but I also got an idea how theories are formed and presented. How assumptions and presuppositions made and how random observations ought to be sewn.

The hot pursuit of happyness

I don't have a word for this feeling. But I am sure there exists a word in the english lexicon for it..perhaps the word is a relative of 'curiosity'. For so many months now, intermittently though, I have been reveling under the heady feeling of the simple ginormous playing field that spreads for miles ahead of me.. and like a mind game I gotta collect all the goodies (read knowledge) as I travel through the field... Its the sweet thirst for this knowledge.. there's just so much so learn and there's just so much I want to get to the bottom of. And all this makes me dizzy and drunk.

I read Jurisprudence and I lose track of time and place.. There is so much more to know about it and I ache to know it all ... but I know it will take time and one need be patient with such things ... I read literature and I ache to read ALL books by a given author of my like...I wanna read Pablo through and through, to have read works of poetry in Urdu and Hindi as well.. historical more than contemporary. I'd watch some historical movie or a moving documentary, avail myself free subscription of an online documentary and there I go..overwhelmed by the enormity of all that's left for me to learn and loving every bit of it! Sometimes hating the fact that I don't have the time.. loving the fact that I have the hunger for it.. I want to know how the cosmos works - wanting to see all the best that discovery and Nat Geo offers.. then I move over to Africa and I want to know about the native history of each of those nations, I want to know all about tigers and their habits and then I want to be an expert on dogs as well... apart from these silly pursuits I want to have heard the best of music that mankind has ever heard, the best of books, autobiographies of the greats, their failures, their victories.. at times like these world becomes so small a place.. only the epistemic travails of the mind remains.. and I thrive in that .. the abundance of it all and as if all one needs to do is to jump and pluck. AND i have not even mentioned  articles, news, views, opinion, studies and book of my field - human rights, cz interest in that goes unsaid.

This quest for knowledge is bewitching as much as it is infinitum.. there's simply too much that tempts me, gets my grey cells cracking and there I go googling, reading, enjoying ... and ALWAYS finding myself standing over a whole new arena of unexplored lands .. which I want to tread.. the thought is so gratifying..but I never am able to satiate the thirst..

And then there is news..my first beau.. needless to say (to myself) iin Dec and Jan, I was very much away from it. Am again catching hold of the broken strands..will take some time.. but I needed to break-away too. :)

Its not as if the love for subjects like history, philosophy, politics, anthropology struck me just now.. nor do I expect or intend to gain academic expertise in all of these..i just wanna 'know' a bit about all these - just to enjoy- plain and simple..and therein I realise that social sciences is the home of my mind. I am not 'come one come all' about these topics, am very much selective in what interests me .. but of late the subgroup called 'my choicest narrowed-down field of interest' has been burgeoning and flourishing..almost resembling a parallel eco-system of its own.

And there are the non-academic, non-intellectual pursuits I wanna follow.. I wanna travel a lot, i have realised that travel keeps me going (not just topographically).. I want to shop for stuff for my room and for that I wanna explore unconventional places.. there's an entire arena of fashion (the girl in me awakens) that now interests me.. i wanna check that out too.. but of course, these little pursuits are secondary to me in the mind for now..oh yea, I wanna learn to cook. (not happening).

So back to Juris and back to rights and liberty and equality debate.

Date a girl who reads by Rosemarie Urquico

"Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes."

Kiska Rasta Dekhe

Kiska Rasta Dekhe Aye Dil Aye Saudaai
Meelon Hai Khamoshi Barson Hai Tanhaee
Bhooli Duniya Kabhiki Tujhe Bhi Mujhe Bhi
Phir Kyon Aankh Bhar Aayee

Koi Bhi Saaya Nahin Raahon Mein
Koi Bhi Aayega Na Baahon Mein
Tere Liye Mere Liye Koi Nahin Ronewala
Jhoota Bhi Naata Nahin Chaahon Mein
Tu Hi Kyon Dooba Rahe Aahon Mein
Koi Kisi Sang Mare Aaisa Nahin Honewala
Koi Nahin Jo Yoon Hi Jahan Mein Baate Peer Parayee 
Kiska Rasta Dekhe Aye Dil Aye Saudaai...

Tujhe Kya Beeti Hui Raaton Se
Mujhe Kya Khoi Hui Baaton Se
Sej Nahin Chita Sahi Jo Bhi Mile Sona Hoga
Gai Jo Dori Chhooti Haathon Se 
Lena Kya Toote Hue Saathon Se
Khushi Jahan Maangi Toone Wahin Mujhe Rona Hoga
Na Koi Tera Na Koi Mera Phir Kiski Yaad Aai
Kiska Rasta Dekhe Aye Dil Aye Saudaai...