Photowalk!

runway and thereafter

Reached London at 1730 hrs British Standard Time on 22nd September 2011.

There was so much going on in my mind in the cab.. a thousand thoughts, a tired body, a quite calm happiness and a twinge of the blues .. So, here I was, typing away on my cellphone, looking around and then typing.. happy, excited, intrigued, wide-eyed and on the lookout for a familiar face, familiar smile or a familiar touch..

As the aircraft touched the tarmac an hour back, I held on to the armrest, tight and secured, and closed my eyes. Let the 'thud' hit me hard perhaps. The first glimpse of England turf freshened my airborne mind. I am in the cab now; on way to Northumberland Hall - which is going to be my residence now. 

Finally, I've made it this far. This is a city that's breathing, talking, dining, travelling, shopping around me and I am definitely an outsider taking her first peek. I feel low actually! Sinking! Overwhelmed. That's the word I would ascribe to this feeling. LSE, London, England. Feels so close now, yet so.. as if my eyes are not enough to perceive. Wonder if I would get lost in the crowd - a part of me wishes it does! It is a bit chilly and I am wearing just a light tee, but am warm inside. My friend in the cab is taking pics out of her window- I word my thoughts instead.

Enough! I want the cab to reach the hall now. Just wanna get inside a warm bed. And a blanket. but before that want to wash my feet with some hot water.

Feels like a paper boat - drifting, flowing, floating, swaying.. the stream is gushing ahead of me, with me.. I am holding on! Holding on! Living every bit of it! 

More to come. Watch this space for pics and posts.

untitled

Na manzil hi hai khayal mein
Na rasta kahin ja raha,
Na rooh ko koi intezaar
na dil yahan lalsa raha

baithi hoon ik khayal mein
na idhar hi na udhar hi hoon,
ik boond sa mann hai abhi
girte zara qatra raha

Hai jhoolta sa dikh raha
gira ki bas abhi gira,
risna nahi shayad ise
hai chahta ye barasna

maloom hai qillat magar
'kyun!' 'nahi!' 'kahan!' 'par'
kahe ja raha jiye ja raha
bhool kar khone ka darr

kuch aur der baithu toh
ghar bana lu na kaheen,
unhein chhorne ka shauk hai
mujhe rukne ki hai aadat!

...

Where Memory
meets Hope
Where the good and the bad 
traverse hand in hand
Where what's gone by
looks forward to what's to be
I stand there for you
my love,
I stand waiting for thee

Cry of the Cryptic

The call of the cryptic beckons. It cries and it wails but I keep looking away. Hoping that my stubborn silence might subdue the cry of the cryptic. But that is so not how is goes. And I know it. I have always known it.

I should try speaking softly to me. That works, doesn't it? Softly I shall tread, only my footsteps would know of the journey I make.

coming home

Never more wished I was left to myself. 


Now that I am going away in a few days, a need to be alone is being felt. Yea, it is a bit odd perhaps, I shall anyway become a stranger in a strange land soon. Yet the need to be with myself is being felt and profusely. I wish to talk to me. Been long I did that.

Sigh.

I miss you, me. :) We'll meet soon, very soon. Once the madness recedes. And once the ruffled pages of my mind settle down with the lull of the winds. I will meet you during one of my walks and perhaps we'll even have a quiet cup of coffee sitting together. Aah, even the thought is so inviting .. invigorating.

With each word I type, I feel a sense of homecoming and before I know it, a silent smirk draws across my face, chaffing me.."what did you think, you fool, I would be gone so soon?" Ha! I am almost celebrating. Me Me Me, where were you?! 


Words. Yes, even when all is lost and gone. And even though like a playful lover they evade me now and then. I love you!

Muah! Muah!

LSE

I wanted it to be the right time. And this feels like it.

I. did. it.

driblet by driblet

I woke up to the patter of rain and longing. I hear the faint sound of raindrops and wonder if any thing could be meaningful anymore. There's the slight chill in the air.. making my skin tingle..

 ... the pelting driblets.. 

I will be back.

Broken Heart Banana Cake

Broken Heart Banana Cake with chocolate topping!

It didn't really come out that good looking..the heart, that is. But it tastes better than  intended. Nibble. Gobble. Munch. Devour. *halo appears*. This is the first time I'm posting something AS I eat it! :D

Main Tenu Fair Milaan Gi- Amrita Pritam

Main Tenu Fair Milaan Gi
Kithey? Kis Tarah? Pata Nai
Shayad Terey Takhayul Di Chinag Ban Ke
Terey Canvas Tey Utraan Gi
Ya Khowrey Terey Canvas Dey Utey
Ikk Rahasmayi Lakeer Ban Ke
Khamosh Tenu Tak Di Rawaan Gi

Yaa Khowrey Sooraj Di Loo Ban Ke
Terey Rangaan Wich Ghulaan Gi
Yaa Rangaan Diyan Bahwaan Wich Baith Ke
Terey Canvas Nuu Walaan Gi
Pata Nai Kiss Tarah? Kithey?
Par Tenu Zaroor Milaan Gi

Yaa Khowrey Ikk Chashma Bani Howaan Gi
Tey Jeevan Jharneyaan Da Paani Udd-da
Main Paani Diyaan Boondaan
Terey Pindey Tey Malaan Gi
Tey Ikk Thandak Jahi Ban Ke
Teri Chaati Dey Naal Lagaan Gi
Main Hor Kujh Nai Jaandi
Par Aena Jaandi
Ke Waqt Jo Vii Karey Ga
Aey Janam Mairey Naal Turey Ga

Aey Jism Mukda Hai
Tay Sab Kujh Muk Jaanda
Par Chaityaan Dey Dhaagey
Kaainaati Kana Dey Hundey
Main Onhaan Kana Nuu Chunaan Gi
Dhaageyaan Nuu Walaan Gi
Tey Tenu Main Fair Milaan Gi…

Translation:

I will meet you yet again
How and where? I know not.
Perhaps I will become a
figment of your imagination
and maybe, spreading myself
in a mysterious line
on your canvas,
I will keep gazing at you.

Perhaps I will become a ray
of sunshine, to be
embraced by your colours.
I will paint myself on your canvas
I know not how and where –
but I will meet you for sure.

Maybe I will turn into a spring,
and rub the foaming
drops of water on your body,
and rest my coolness on
your burning chest.
I know nothing else
but that this life
will walk along with me.

When the body perishes,
all perishes;
but the threads of memory
are woven with enduring specks.
I will pick these particles,
weave the threads,
and I will meet you yet again.

station

I am just so low right now... that i didn't even wanna write but speak..js let my own voice soothe me.. i dont know.. ye station toh chhod aayi thi.. yahan toh bas intezaar kia tha.. yahan se  to chal padi thi aur kabhi nahi utarna tha yahan. Par fir aaj raat ke teen baje sunai diya ki ye toh wahi jagah hai. Khidki se dekhti hu toh .. wahi nazara hai yahan.. kankaal se ped bhojil zameen par ruaanse khadein hai.. chai ki khushboo toh hai par naam-o-nishaan nazar nahi aata. Yahan is platform par door door tak koi nahi bas sannata hua karta tha un dino.. aaj bhi wohi hai aaspaas. Thand nahi hai, par thand ki chadar lapete raat khadi hai ek kone mein. Shayad dekhne aayi hai, ki main rukti hu ki nahi. Thithur ke rail ke darwaze tak toh pahunch gayi hu par utarne ki himmat nahi hai mujhmein. Pichli baar ka tajurba bhulaye kahan bhulta hai. Is station par utarti hu toh gaadi jhat chali jati hai..rengti hui si dikhayi deti hai jaise chhod ke jane ka soch ke aayi ho. Badi muddat ke baad se pakdi thi pichli dafa.. is baar ik paun bhi neeche nahi rakhungi. Aisa bhi toh nahi hai ki ek baar hi chooti thi gaadi meri.

He made me love him without looking at me

"I used to rush into strange dreams at night: dreams many-coloured, agitated, full of the ideal, the stirring, the stormy--dreams where, amidst unusual scenes, charged with adventure, with agitating risk and romantic chance, I still again and again met Mr. Rochester, always at some exciting crisis; and then the sense of being in his arms, hearing his voice, meeting his eye, touching his hand and cheek, loving him, being loved by him--the hope of passing a lifetime at his side, would be renewed, with all its first force and fire. Then I awoke. Then I recalled where I was, and how situated. Then I rose up on my curtainless bed, trembling and quivering; and then the still, dark night witnessed the convulsion of despair, and heard the burst of passion." - Charlotte Bronte (Jane Eyre)

It's hard to contain myself right now, hard to gather the thoughts together - as the senses fill with an incense that what was kindled long time back. When I was first introduced to passion and internally never left its side. That heady feeling created by interesting reads, stirring motion pictures and sometimes brainstorming sessions with ones self - something similar seems awakened. And it's making me smile amidst all that I do not understand. How to react when you continue to find your self where you were nearly ten years ago? Each time you check on yourself - you find 'it' working for you. And you mentally hug yourself in relief and pity. Things have changed thence..but not that one insane idea or that one insane moment. It's almost an intuition and yet no where in person. Not in form and not with even a hint of reality. But it appeals, invokes and calls out and you find yourself walking towards it. As if all the time lived till then was one big wait, which might've just got over. A heady heady heady delusion.

i told you i could cook B-)

 I made these over the last few weeks and have been waiting to post these to the blog..finally, i do it.

Chocolate Coffee Truffle Cake 

 Pastaa (the white is cheese)

 Paneers-the-tikkas (forgot to click the green chutney i made)

My super favorite : Banana Cake

listopia

i lyk self-deprecating-laughter-type people

i enjoy keeping people in the dark till they realise it's my doing

i have a raw way of doing things

i 'also' like flirting

i am dainty, frail and needy in heaps. insecure too.

i am strong, protective, caregiver and complete

i lie sometimes. My lies usually end in surprises.

i think lying otherwise is too much hardwork. Not interested.

i love observing men at their workplace

i like the folded-sleeve, laid-back, relaxed look on guys

i like to have choices. I usually opt out when thrust on me.

i am prone to addiction. It's in my nature.

if i do, i trust blindly. Trust is an inerrant instinct, which may still go wrong.

i would like to be proposed in a library between stacks of my favorite reads

i am prone to heartache and heartburn

i love pink sunflowers

i can't smoke, hardly drink, love to smile. Been sometime. Tried all.

i like to think of me as a housewife. Flirting with the dangers of this idea. never gonna happen.

i love to be surrounded by books and stationary and i enjoy being around cubicles

i love all animals by instinct. dogs top my chart. cats a close second.

i tried to hurt myself with a knife once, thought about committing suicide a zillion times

On my last birthday i wore a white dress with floral prints.

i bought it with an unknown guy. I didn't let him see me in it.

i like having a car but hate maintaining it

i am superstitious about a few things. I secretly think I own a cursed ring.

i feel uncomfortable with over-friendly people

as much as i feel romantic in rain, a part of me always begins to feel sad and lonesome when it pours

i like wild grass and dew drops on windowpanes

i honestly think dogs would make better humans, at least more cuddly

i love it that by now you think I am crazy. 


posting this was a self-dare.

na nothing

the quietude of the night echoes through the cobbled streets..  streets running through my head. Where newer lanes are fast emerging and dissolving, appearing, vanishing, building and continuing. absolutes are not absolutes. solitude stands transfixed as a state of mind. yet sometimes i don't have the pleasure of pain. happiness, the consciousness of an unnamed pleasure eludes and teases. the dawn rises with the sun or the sun with the dawn? What is to be looked forward to and what skipped? Are trepidations worth facing or bearing as a constant reality, an unrelenting hiatus along which we sway. questions are sometimes hard to answer but harder to frame.

Kabhi Suni

Kabhi Suni..

Kabhi suni apni pasandeeda keetab ke panno ki farfarahat? Aur kya chaha kabhi ki usmein chhalang dein maar? Kya hawa se baatein karti patang ki pehli udaan ki awaaz se baat ki kabhi?! Patton ki kashmakash se bhari fusfusahat ko sun gudgudi hui kabhi?!


Kabhi jab joota fata toh suna tha kya? Wo 'charrrrr' si awaz jise liye mochi ko dhundne nikle they, jab langraati chaal ko dekh sab khoob hase they. Aur akele mein khud ko dekh itna hasse they ki pait dukha tha!

Rail ki khidki se doobte sooraj ko dekhte huye.. Dhyan se suni kabhi chakkon ki awaaz aur fir door se aati engine ki hool.. 

Par kya suni tootte huye dil ko marodti sikodti awaaz .. bojhil aankhon se bund girne ki bheeni si awaaz?

Suni hai wo awaz jo patto ki sarsarahat se nikalti hai, sadko pe rengti gaadion ke pahiyon se ho kar, pani ik bund ban aankho mein bas jati hai?

Suni hai wo awaz jo bachon ko sunai deti hai? Jab maa bas hath bhar fer de sar par.. Chup kara dene wali woh awaaz.. Neend mein aaram ko pirone wali ik awaz

Kabhi gaur kiya kaise bin bole, ik panchhi kitna kuch keh jata hai, uchaiyo se baatein kar, zameen ko azaadi ki jhalak dikhata hai.. Uski udaan jab milti hai kshitij se, lagta nahi aasmaan ne use apnaya hai?

Kabhi baadal ko garajta sun, seheme se bache ki pukar suni hai? Aur kya suna hai kabhi barish ke gehen sannatte ko? Kya raat ki maddham lau ko sakpakate suna hai? Kabhi mombatti ki roshni mein khud ko rote suna hai?

Kabhi suni hai aawaz kisi nanhe bharose ke tootne ki?
Wo aawaz jo kaan se nahi suni jati. Jo karkash toh nahi par asehniye hai, jo bebas hai daineeye hai..

'Usne' jab haath thama, tab apne dil ko kalabaziyaan karte suna tha maine, par uski dhadkan ko kano se laga ke dekha nahi kabhi.. sochti hu ab jab ye likhti hu, ki jaane kaisi hoti hogi.

Kuch awaazein hum sun kar nahi sunte..Kuch awaazon se door bhaagne ke liye kaano mein rui nahi daali jati.

Par apni kitaabon ke panno ki farfarahat sada ki tarah yaad hai mujhe.. :)

of broken ankles, unintended rhymes and puns

I'm holding on, and i'm holding fast..
Trying to capture your downward glance
the trance the purpose might not last
but the spell the jinx has been cast

i have no idea from where these lines popped into my head..lead by
need to rhyme i guess.

I broke my ankle a few days back. Bad. Too bad. Was jumping and happy
about the late night rain 2 days back.. thought I will go to the
rooftop and get wet but before I could as much as get one strand of
hair wet, I fell from the stairs with a ''thudd'' and my ankle ...well
let's say i heard a loud 'crackk' and I knew it was big. The swelling
took shape of a golf ball inside my ankle..the pain was enormous and
everything went dizzy, I held on to the railing and called out to my
mom..crying and howling i was lifted back to my room. Ice cubes were
rubbed on the swollen ankle but ultimately we had to go to doc so late
at night, got x-ray done and got plaster around my foot. The only good
thing about the whole incident, was the color of the plaster - a
bright and lively pink.

I had an exam the day after because of which panic struck. Anyway, I
went and took the exam, broken foot or not.

So, that's that. As usual humour makes it better but I hate to be
dependent, I hate to ask for things cz i cant get up, I hate to be
served  meals in the bed room and I hate not to be able to go for a
walk (even indoors)..but on the brighter note, I am fine. The ligament
fracture and muscle tear would be ok in 3 weeks time. I got 3
different tests to take in this time.. and i hope to get some sympathy
marks. :P

Now that I can't go anywhere all my attention is focussed on - of
course- food. I dream of banana cake and chilly potatoes. aah.

Hey did I tell you.. a few days back I went ahead with my
cook-wish-list and made choco-coffee cake and man, was it
finger-lickin delicious! My stomach churns when I think of it. ;) too
bad I can't make it again for nearly 3 weeks. But then on a devilish
note I think I will..with a little help I will.

Chalo, my lunch is waiting for me.. it rained awesome today..
*shudders...it happened on a similar night* ;) the fall! (pun
unintended) ;)

the drawing board

Covered:

1. Austin's Positivism and Analytical School

2. Kelson: Analytical School

3. Historical School: Savigny & Maine

For today:

4. Roscoe Pound: Sociological School

An articulate piece by PBM in IE a few aday back: Second time as farce - Indian Express

There is so much I need to catch up on..phew, for now Jurisprudence. I do like it.

Its okay, baby

Some questions about them will always remain unanswered. She will always hate herself for somethings, and keep on loving him for somethings. They say real love doesn't die. But they don't say it lingers on, ebbs and flows, comes and never goes. That thing which she didn't even say was love. That thing which she so wanted to have but could not was love. That feeling she thought was not yet love was love. That what to her was just the threshold was love. That what she thought was an end was the beginning of love. But she was alone when it mattered the most. It must have been love, but it's over now.. it must have been good, but I lost it somehow..The song resonates in her head..as reality, right and wrong cease to matter..to the point of humour.. her heart knows yet it knows so little.. her mind plays games sometimes..oh she knows herself too well by now.. the little voice in her heart that she listens to grows distant and distant. Questions will linger like a mystery and answers, she has learned to stop looking for. One move and she's shaken. A stir and she awakens..

a wandering mind

Its all senseless at times.. the running around, the running after, the running before, the running in circles and the running-in-general. Like wasps we go around and about... Why are we born and why do we go through this whole deal of growing up, being who we have to be and then die..just die..just like that.. the thought that there is just this one life has haunted me for a long time.. i'm not asking for two, no i'm not. But the fact that we got only one puts so much pressure... one life.. one time one's gonna get married..ok one may have children more than once but there is so much that we are going to be just once..one road to take and one way to live and sometimes there are no u-turns you know..

And the reality is that we all want it to be just once! No we don't want it to be any other way. No. No. No. You getting me? Just because I sulk for something doesn't imply I wish not to have it. I am just wandering in the pointlessness of being.. the 'almost existence' of ours that borders on our extinction.

that what makes me happy

For past some time I have been trying some culinary experiments - and experiencing the joy of whipping up something out of something. I never thought i'm the kind who would enjoy it.. but surprisingly I find it soothing, relaxing and fun.


I recently made Banana Cake - and well, i really didn't expect me to be able to make it that good the first time round. The aroma was so thick with banana flavour that it made me fall in love with it. My eldest sister - a banana lover herself - fell for it and so did my other sis and mom. As I baked the cake it took the shape of a shiny dark brown dessert that tasted much much much better than the banana muffins I have had before. I am going to write down the recipe here on the blog one of these days. A big thanks to nisha my friend for hailing from Kerala (ha) and for telling me how to make it. :D

So well, I think i am finally taking the cooking thing seriously. More so cz it makes me happy. The going-shopping that precedes the cooking and the cutting-chopping-dicing and the aroma and the process, the wait as the dish cooks and then the anticipation whether it's good enough.

So lets me do some loud thinking here. What have i made till date:..i mean some serious cooking/bakingwise:

1.  Chilly Potato

2.  Fried Rice

3.  Manchurian

4.  Spring Rolls

5.  Subway type - Sub (but that was more arrangement than cooking)

6.  Paneer Kulcha

7.  Veg. Biryani/ Pulao

8.  Lachcha Parantha

9.  Malai Kofta

10. Paneer Tikka

11. Corn Kebabs

12. Chocolate Cake

13. Banana Cake

14. Mushroom-Corn Farmhouse Pizza

15. Nacho Chat

16. Macaroni (dont know if that counts)

17. Banana Shake (with iceceam and nuts)

:)) makes me happy this list.

I usually get the ideas from two friends of mine who are simply the best cooks ever.. but barring that these dishes i've often tried outside and made a mental note to try at home - much like a challenge. Like I did a home made 'sub', or farmhouse pizza or banana cake after eating banana muffin, or spring rolls or nacho chat etc. Trying to make these things at home is fun. I am sure I am not a very good cook yet. I just enjoy it for now. 

And let me add this: i'm not too big for traditional indian or mughlai dishes Let me be honest the malai kofta i made was not that great cz i misread a part of the recipe. But  try i did.

And now a list of what's on my mind. I have something for healthy cooking. I am not a big fan of fried, slimy, oily dishes and i try to avoid maida (cornflour).. so the challenge is to make the dish healthy (using wheat or samolina (suji) instead of maida and using less oil without compromising on the taste)

So now my wish list for the summer:

1. Malai Kofta

2. Coffee Cake ( thats a friend's recipe and includes..molten chocolate lava :))))

3. Pasta - the authentic pasta - the kind I ordered at big chill and loved

4. Mushroom Pasta (i recently bought a bag of fusilli pasta)

5. Kathi Roll
6. Apple Pie

7. Chocolate-Banana Shake

I think that's enough for days to come. gee, that made me happy.

:D

pointers

give your self a goal every day. it could be taking forward the same goal or some new one everyday.

find what you love to do

find something frivolous that you love to do - something that must give you PURE pleasure

that thing must result in something productive, something tangible or something you can see or touch or carry or listen to carry (so that excludes watching movies, listening to music going for walk (though giving you walking targets day after day is another thing))

once that goal is set. do it. bloody do it!

 

Words

http://savethewords.org/

rain writes a delhi morning :D

I woke up today to the sound of clitter-clatter-wham-boom-bam.. there was a windstorm about and random things were coming off people's rooftops.. some doors were left open and were hitting against the wall making all the noise. Still sleepy though, I went upstairs to the rooftop and was thankful the strong winds didn't whisk me off...  There was that fantastic refreshing morning chill that gave me the goosebumps. As I shifted my gaze up towards the clouds, down came little droplets of rain. As the propensity of rain increased so did the air current. Heavy diagonal rain fell all across tapping the ground and swooshed with a gush of strong winds. Standing in a comparatively drier spot, I began to shiver. And cz my dry haven was not a dry haven anymore..I thought it best to rush downstairs before the rain got me totally. I helped me with a cup of steaming chai and say by the rain drinking it and skimming through the papers. Such mornings make one wanna write. Gosh, how I miss it. The fact that I hardly got 4 hours of sleep notwithstanding. 

I wish I were in college today for the greens and the red brick buildings that make time stop. You go into a frenzy inside of you! But college is at its end (last exam to go now) and the future is unknown. As I say this I steer me away from all of that. :) and drive me back to the mausam and morning showers!

PS: nothing beats a good delhi rain - makes you love even your frosty eyed-nosed-lipsed neighbors!

:-?

Till now I was a matter of getting to be behind the steering.. to be in control of my life, my emotions and my choices however hard or frivolous. How hard it was, how much strength it required to gain back what I had lost. Now that I am on the driving seat with safety belt in place – life seems to be a crisscross of wayward roads..and all I do in my mind is steer. Steering away from thoughts that disturb me, steering towards that what keeps me distracted and happy or both. Sometimes I sit back and wanna relax, but as if on automaton following the Murphy's Law, the car moves towards the road I know is not right for me. Again I have to sit up, again look far ahead and assess the potential damage and swerve the mind and again navigate it away. *wipes off the forehead "phew!"*

 

It's funny actually sometimes. As if once you are sitting on a mad horse... you gotta keep it busy.. the moment you lose focus the horse goes mad..and on and on

 

I missed you ya.. my exams are going on.. three I'm done with and fourth one is tomorrow.. I have decided to study less.. last exam I studied way too much and I ended up sitting befuddled during the exam..simple matters became complicated just like that. If you look too hard you make a ghost out of nothingness. Something similar happened.

 

And I am so sleepy.

And suddenly I get sad.

:( wish u wr here

I just closed my eyes and imagined i ws stroking ur head. And a smile broke js when i thought i might cry. Its late into the night and it struck me you aren't around. Sometimes i look about my feet instinctively being careful lest i should step on your foot or smthin. Miss u my darling..nothing nothin nothin can ever make me happier than having you back with me. I dont let me think usually. But I miss you my buddy, my best friend, my baby. The smile has turned into an effort to stop d tears and as a droplet emerges from my eye..I only wish these memories of you wud never fade.. When i close my eyes and imagine running my hand through your hair..its seems real..and I am thankful that i could feel it again, but also afraid of time passin by..and the memories fading away .. I always want to be able to close my eyes and tease you, play with u.. Ur reactions to my calls r etched so deep..its easy to picture you.. As if u are not very far.. Who cares for reality then. I love you so much. Just know that my chota bacha.