love love me do!!!

I am out of the mess. I know what my instincts say. Der laga di i know.. but I'm good! 


And as i said to my dear friend just now.. "Pleasure is Me! So long as i'm Free!"

No one is responsible for my happiness.. the reins of my life are in hands of my own... :) No more looking back..no more crying tubs.. no more oh no more! A clear conscience..a clear mind.. a clean heart.. i got it all!!

Love you NEHA!!! Hugs n kisses!

It's OKAy.. take a deep breath! and eat nice, get ready, get going..you have much to keep you busy..much to keep you engrossed and you are blessed with friends you love. It's Ok.. smile now


:)

Who writes this first thing on a sunday morning? ME!

One part of me just wants to wriggle out of this mess..its not that opportunities are not there..just that I am not able to allow myself to move on.. I fear that by hopping on to any of these opportunities the last frail thread binding us, however loosely, would also snap and the road leading back would be shut forever. And I don’t want that. Why don’t I want that? Sometimes I want to tell myself to chuck my belief in justice.. life etc. is NOT just..was never meant to be. I want myself to absorb this truth..inject it in every nerve of mine and just go away forever. But again, I am stopped.

Waiting had become a part of life these past many months. The year was a disaster, such as I would never want to relive again. But sometimes I wonder, could I have made things better? Could I have worked things out? Could I have done anything different so as to make it better? Did I leave any stone unturned? Did I place my bars to high? Did I let ego blind me? My answer is no. I always believed that ego, as long as within the realms or garb of self respect, is good, it is needed for anyone to support one's beliefs and one's assertiveness sometimes. But go a few notches higher than that and it sucks the happiness out of moments that would otherwise be brimmed with love. I didn't let my self have that kind of ego---to the utter annoyance of some of my well-wishers though---for I did not want to lose those wondrous moments for the vain glory of having satisfied some vengeful notion of mine. Naah.. that would have been too paltry a consideration. I would have been unable to do that.

I so want answers. I so want solutions. I seek solace. But something inside of me stops me..for I know if I turn back I would lose my self as well as any chance of things being better again. Another thing that keeps me halted is the apprehension of failure. One more time and I would be again left alone.. feeling like a fool standing in a far off desert praying for rain with not a speck of cloud in sight.

I know the above would make little sense to anyone but me. My write-therapy it is.

A few uncomfortable moments..a few observations about human behaviour..

A time comes when you are more afraid of being hurt than anything else. When the reason you don’t take the most important and the most beautiful step just because you fear you might have to go through pain..something you want to avoid at all times. Suddenly that pain starts to look like a mammoth heartache that you want to avoid at all cost. Sometimes even at the cost of your own ultimate happiness. How do we do it? How foolish are we to let go of the most beautiful part of our lives for we fear to get hurt?? It is one of the saddest things one may have to encounter because suddenly the fear becomes much more than the pain itself and you are left without the most special feeling, that is love. It is the wrong choice..your fear is always secondary. Ou should have tried to find what is primary and remained true to it.

Then there are times when you fight the fear. You do not give in to the fear of pain and keep going on, treading through stones that cut up your soul each time you try walking but you go on with optimism circling on your head like ah halo. But you fail yet again, because, afterall, things are not in your control..specially people. With time you realise that the pain is all you might be getting for pain in return. You think, where's the sense in that?

The cycle repeats itself. You fear, you gather courage, you pad yourself up with optimism, go out in the field and there you fall again. With time you choose to live with the fear. You strike a deal with fear and promise never to get hurt again. As if it were a safe haven. Suddenly you put hurt over love, fear over courage and there you lose love as well as courage.

Sometimes you wake up.. all innocent and fresh.. and suddenly it dawns upon you. The bubble has burst, the dream is lost.. you wake up and you try to feel the familiars feeling, you tell yourself it was but a dream. But it wasn’t. Your dream is over. There comes another day--you freshen up and get back to work. As if nothing had happened.

Sometimes it feels I so don't belong. To the career(s) I have chosen, to the people I know, to the characters of the books I read, to the pics I see in other people’s albums.. sometimes my life seems ‘halted’ to me..arrested in the clutches of the times gone by. Neither do I have the energy to let go of the past, nor do I dare move forward.. may be I don’t want to. Sometimes seeing the imagery of other people’s lives I feel at peace with myself. Seeing them happy, chirping about, and hanging out in groups of friends I try to remember when did I feel this way? When did I put my arm around some friends and cheer at full volume? I have done that, haven’t I? But when? I race my mind but can’t feel the feel.

I was happy in my world. My happiness, my monuments, my seminars, my friends, my newspaper, my life, my college. All of that changed and is gone. But I still haven’t begun to define happiness the way others do. The way other girls do. Why to me the epitome is something else? And at the same time why do I want to once feel that happy in the situations these people are happy in? Seeing them I feel may be the problem is with me.. and i just can't figure out what.

Have I started looking down upon people who get happy in little happiness? Who are not shy to display the reason for their happiness? Have I begun to wait too much? For the right people, for the right occasion or for the right moment..?? Would it be only then would I let myself be happy? Isn’t that foolish of me? and would I change easily? No.

I have been around many kinds of people and I have seen them change. But I never did because I thought my ‘change’ would be something else. The thing, the phase that would change me would have to be bigger than smoking or boozing or partying.. this change was not to be superficial but from inside…it just doesn’t happen with me. I feel like I am pretending a life here. And God knows I’m tired of doing that.

I feel like a misfit right now. In this world, in people’s lives, everyplace I go…and I’m getting too emotional..so better put a brake here and now.

PS: its all nonsense isnt it.. the truth lies elsewhere

Mum's Girl Through and Through

Mom, sweetie.. I love you a lot. No one fills my heart with thankfulness like you do. Your just being around me gives me immense sense of security and your unbridled love makes me feel I’m special, that I make your world special like you make mine everyday. You have no idea how many times I have hugged you tight and felt my troubles melting away, how every time I hold your hand I feel I need nothing more. You give give and give and you make me feel bad about it sometimes for I know I won’t be able to match you ever. For I can never give you the kind of peace you give me. What you derive from sprituality, your daughters derive from you mom.

Your face seems to elicit such calmness sometimes that my confidence increases and makes me stronger. I know I can always run upto you and hug you and you will put your arms around me so casually. In that one moment it is immaterial if I’m 21 or 2 years old. I come to you and you just take me in your shelter. You know, I may not have liked it much if my casual hugs meant too much to you. You take it like it is the norm and that’s what I love about you and me. I will never go away from you ever. You are never judgmental and always so wonderfully sweet in your own way that you know nothing about.

I am dead sure you have no idea what you mean to your daughters and even if we try to tell you, you would never believe it. You are not even going to read this post. :) but I love you mom. Your sheer presence is so comforting to me. There have been so many times when I haven’t really disclosed what may have been troubling me, but it has never stopped you from being able to help me out. As if even ‘knowing’ my problem isn’t necessary for you, you are always ready with that what would soothe me. Bliss - that’s who you are.

And your knowledge, your honesty, your creativity, your bright mind and sharp brains and at the same time childish laughter and singing in the kitchen .. is out of the world. When you cry it seems the world is ending, and when you laugh I feel you are the kid not I. I know all children feel this way about their moms but right now the feeling is so overwhelmingly beautiful that I can’t stop myself from writing about you, my modest innocent cute mom. I wouldn't claim that you are the world' best mum for that would be too narrow a view..for everyone's mum is the best, but I just wanna say that i just wanna be like you.

(PS.: you ARE world's best mom, mom!)

Right to Rape..

A string of thoughts that came to my mind after reading a newspaper report got lost somewhere ie. before I read this piece by Aman (Click here for his thought-provoking post) who has written about the same topic in his blog. It is about the new Shia Law in Afghanistan that as good as legalises marital rape and also gives legal connotation the concept of "blood money" ie.. money given to a woman after she has been raped by the rapist so that she can under go medical treatment (how considerate of them). Writing about this disturbs me as much as it is a ridiculous notion. I think it is important to put forth certain points not just about what is happening in Afghanistan in this regard but also its simultaneous legal approach in so-called evolved judicial systems such as our own. But first some background.

Rape has always been considered one of the most detestable acts committed on a woman in all societies. Justice Krishna Iyer in a famous judgment said “When a woman is ravished, what is inflicted is not mere physical injury but the deep sense of some deathless shame… judicial response to Human Rights cannot be blunted by legal bigotry.” This much abhorred topic however got a special mention in International News recently. The Parliament of Afghanistan recently passed a Shia Law (the Shia community in Afghanistan that has its separate Shia Laws) that indirectly decriminalises marital rape giving the power to a husband not to feed her wife, starve her and sustain her if she refuses to copulate with him. It also says that a woman desirous of working can only work at certain institutions that too only with the permission of certain male members in her family.

Sometimes one just sits back at developments like this and hopelessly wonders what kind of senseless insecurity grips people to even begin to think on such lines. What kind of a world do we live in? While in one part of the world we are fighting positive wars, that for liberalism, that for uplifting all kinds of censorship and now also decriminalising homosexuality among consenting adults and in another part of the world we have laws being carved out such as this one. In fact, Muslim clerics are justifying that if a woman has the right to say "no" to her husband’s sexual advances then he also has to right to deny her food and sustenance. As I understand it, Shia population in Afghanistan consist of around 15% of the total population of the country and President Karzai has been quite keen on pleasing the Shia population (read men) before the elections so as to increase his chances in the polls.

This in fact reminds me of Khaled Husseini's A thousand Splendid Suns in which the protagonist tries again and again to run away from the brutalities of her husband but every time someone or the other grabs her only to be mercilessly beaten up by her husband for venturing out without his consent. Such laws, such fundamentalist attitude and such Talibanisation is nothing but a way to make sure that women don't even think of the rights enjoyed by people all across the world. One feels so helpless listening to stories like these. What freedom, what world, what beauty, what brains do we talk about? I may be getting too caught up here but I sincerely hope that International Organisations would create a major stir and pressure the Afghan Government enough to scrap such an abhorrent law.

But this is not where the discussion ends. For we can't just look at one sect and their laws in isolation while living under a delusion of security in our own land. Rape laws in countries like India and USA are also not fundamentally very clear as far as marital rape in concerned. By definitions of rape that approximate the legal standard, a series of surveys have found that about 10-14% of married women in the U.S. have been raped by their husbands. Indian Law, in fact, specifically exempts marital rape as an offence in S 375 IPC. It is presumed that by entering into matrimony a woman lays down all her defences with regard copulation with her husband. The same proposition was strongly supported by Sir Matthew Hale, Chief Justice in 17th century in England who is widely quoted for saying, “The husband can not be guilty of a rape committed by himself upon his lawful wife, for their mutual matrimonial consent and contract, the wife hath given up herself in this kind unto the husband which she can not retract.”

Though we do boast of the Domestic Violence Act 2005 but even that calls for a through scrutiny and amendments as it makes marital rape a part of domestic violence, thereby considerably reducing the punishment from what one gets for committing rape otherwise. There is no clear law that makes marital rape a crime equivalent to a non-marital rape. Moreover, there are such lacunae in our legal system that on one hand penalises any sexual intercourse with a girl aged below 16 years (consent is immaterial because a minor's consent is no consent in the eyes of the law) as rape and on the other hand marital intercourse with one's wife above 15 years is completely legal (see S. 375 IPC below) which basically implies that sexual intercourse with an unmarried girl of 16 years is rape, while that with a married 15 year old is clearly exempted from the Section dealing with rape. It is an interesting piece of information that Nepal has declared that husbands who force themselves on their wives can be charged with rape. So we see an example of progressive law there. But what do we see here? There is nothing in the Indian Penal Code that defines or talks about marital rape. According to section 375 of the Indian Penal Code, "sexual intercourse by a man with his own wife, not being under 15 years of age, is not rape.” Even if it may happen everyday with a woman, in the eyes of law it never happened. The most common justification sought by people defending such laws is that such a rape is most difficult to prove and it would make it far easier for a woman to implicate her husband.

Continuing on the same lines, it is interesting to note that a man can claim divorce on the basis of his wife not consenting to have sexual relations with him (i.e. if she refuses to give him 'access' to her body) but if a wife wants to speak up against a rape committed on her by her husband, the law nowhere is clearly holds it as rape! There is, it seems, nothing that stops a man from expressing his claim to sexual gratification as a matter of right over his wife in a marital relationship. It is thus imperative that we sensitise the younger as well as the present generations about individual rights and how to respect these rights. A rape is a rape, period. And whether it is India or Afghanistan, whether the woman is married to the rapist or not, whether it is most difficult or easiest of jobs to prove or not—it is most essential that our laws endorse our ideology and our ideology resonates in our actions.

(i dont really want to post this post)

I just thought about age and whether it has got to do with how we lead our lives and i find there are just so many ways to look at it. The thing about getting old makes me feel that a lot is being missed. It ain’t about getting old at all. It is about the trepidation if I will be able to furnish my own expectations of myself, which by all standards are sky high. I love myself and I know I can make people happy and derive pleasure from little nothings. But as time passes by there are more things which are going to be demanded of me and what will happen then? Would I live up? A few years down the line and they would want me to meet some guys.. a few more years and they would expect me to settle with someone, a few years and a family, a few and something else. Meanwhile life would pass by me and would I have done my bit? Would I have rewarded myself for my work? Would I have kicked a few buckets off my bucket list?? Because however hard it may seem, we are all on a death row, howsoever subtle and muted.

It is nice to know where our life is heading because ultimately the steering is in our hands. Stages in our lives come as stations where we are supposed to stop. Drop some and pick some, sometimes refuel some and keep going on till the next station appears.

Why do I feel life would be easier if I knew what was to happen? Am I falling into the same trap that people all across ages and civilisations fell into? That of astrology, the art of oracle, fortune finding? Its tempting, yes it is.. but it is also improbable and just like my feelings for religion are null in one respect and I find myself hopefully spiritual in others, I feel the same about this branch of science.

Coming back to where I strayed away from. It is always said about age, that it is a ‘state of mind’. I do not disagree but then, what is mind? A state of age?

That is precisely what one should fear falling for.

If You Forget Me- Pablo Neruda

If You Forget Me- PABLO NERUDA

I want you to know

one thing.

You know how this is:

if I look

at the crystal moon, at the red branch

of the slow autumn at my window,

if I touch

near the fire

the impalpable ash

or the wrinkled body of the log,

everything carries me to you,

as if everything that exists,

aromas, light, metals,

were little boats

that sail

toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,

if little by little you stop loving me

I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly

you forget me

do not look for me,

for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,

the wind of banners

that passes through my life,

and you decide

to leave me at the shore

of the heart where I have roots,

remember

that on that day,

at that hour,

I shall lift my arms

and my roots will set off

to seek another land.

But

if each day,

each hour,

you feel that you are destined for me

with implacable sweetness,

if each day a flower

climbs up to your lips to seek me,

ah my love, ah my own,

in me all that fire is repeated,

in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,

my love feeds on your love, beloved,

and as long as you live it will be in your arms

without leaving mine.

masterpieces

There are certain things we come across our lives, that alter its route or give it a new direction, they teach us, guide us and sometimes bring us face to face with our biggest fears and introduce us to ourselves.. leaving a lasting impact on our psyche.. everytime i read, hear or watch something like that i make a quick mental note..that very often i'd say to myself: "I'd introduce this to my children one day!"

Most of these masterpieces reflect my innermost strengths and weaknesses and at the same time attract me because of the underlying subtle morality in them, that comes to us not as an aim, but almost as an afterthought.

So, here we go:

1. Jane Eyre: my most innocent belief

2. GWTW: need anything be said?

3. Rocky series.. nothing like it

4. The song: "Eye of the Tiger".. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjO1CXND4V8

5. This one must be exceedingly common in this rain-deprived city, and is also off the mark here in this list of my favourites.. but i liked this pic and i love rain and so here's a slot for "rain"

More to come later.. gotta rush!

self-observations

These days the more i think about myself, the more it dawns upon me that I have changed..in my choices, my cravings, my habits, and my likings..it has been going on for so long that I feel like putting it all down. May be its 'growing-up-- LIVE' that i am witnessing.. don't want to let the feeling go unobserved, so here i am..

So what are these little changes?

The most frivolous ones: For once I have begun to like eating green vegetables MORE happily than before.. while earlier the likes of rajma, chhole etc etc used to be my favourites, now I am alright with bland green vegetables. I used to always opt for rice if ?I could help it.. now I like to have it as a supplement to roti, not as a substitute. Earlier chocolates were my weakness.. now i don't find myself craving for them..even Ferrero-Rocher...IMAGINE..

I have grown more calm..in an earthed manner..

I still discuss most of what's going on with my friends but till possible I have started keeping my troubles to myself.. this is happening naturally to me..something which is worrisome cz a girl needs to 'say it out and talk-it-over..and if I don't do that Im doing me more harm than good.

I don't let me cry now..i cant stringently vouch for that though but something to that effect has happened.

I may be happy from the inside at times, but earlier while that used to culminate into a chirpy nonsensical mad neha, now it comes down to a more sober, 'gambheer', quiter neha..whom not much can shock, not much can excite. (Pls don't let that happen.) ..Lots more i feel, but for here, i think this is enough.

To tell the truth, I am afraid of this change and I wish not to change myself. I hope its just a passing phase of life.. and nothing permanent...and when i feel the same again i woudl come to u and share it out.

Love, ya

my 'bad day' day

02.30 pm..

Today has been one 'fine' day of my life...and I am seriously dreading the upcoming hours for if I go by how it has been so far.. I can be sure to expect further trouble!

First things first. I get up in the morning and as I look for my slippers under my bed..I don't find them, so I poke one foot beneath the bed like we usually do to find our slippers but BAMMM! My foot strucks something hard and solid beneath the bed and before I know it one nail is half broken and little blood has already oozled out.. I silently curse and hold my foot with both my hands and jump like they show in cartoon movies (the likes of Tom, Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck ..u get the picture right? ) anyway.. so still not wide awake I go upstairs. I am walking, im walking, im walking then 'aeiuoiuoieyieoeeeeeeeeee'.. I go sliding on water on the floor.. now WHY was it on the floor I don't know.. so I get up and curse some more and finally am wide awake. If thats a nice beginning to a nice morning then you should know what happens next. I enter the bathroom and I just turn to turn on the shower when my elbow hits the tap underneath and I gasp in pain. I stand still..the pain was toooooo much to bear. I turn on the shower and NOT a drop of water..well, that was expected wasn't it? keeping in mind the fabulous start to the day. Anyway, I get water from the 'direct' tap.. (funny name!)

Now I come out and as I am about to iron my trousers, a tear in the trousers stares at me in the face.. now how in the world could there be a tear just above the back pocket of a pair of trousers is incomprehensible but sadly the truth of my morning today. I was aghast i was inconsolable and I was hurt. :( what had i done to anyone ever????

So, then I go to college.. all charged up for the presentation I had to give today. And just before the teacher enters the classs I start coughing.. I cough like mad so that my over-sensitive throat becomes so sour that i can hardly speak a word let alone give a presentation in which the longets part was mine. But then I took some water and ultimately the presentation was quite nice.

Somedays are just not good... and today is a classic example.. lets see what more happens.. there are still many hours to go..

metro pics

There's smthing so powerful about a crane..big machines!

Sunset from the metrotrain.. zoomed.. how easily we forget the daily wonder that a simple sunset is.. beautiful everyday

I like this one.. the stationary metro tracks, the inevitable sunset and a city that never ceases to breathe.. this picture spells 'hope' to me in this big bad world..

Connaught Place Diary

a barren tree and a glistening viberating town..but so far

Two Pictures that i wanted to share.. taken a few days back by me

Before i Kick the Bucket

We all gotta die right..? Who knows i might be the next in queue.. so here is my bucket list.. full of conventional as well as eccentric stuff.. things im most passionate about:

1. Get a tattoo ;) favourably on shoulder or near the ankle..a small, classy, artistic one

2. See my name on the cover of a book.. (as an author!)

3. Do something risky very very very risky but adventurous.. like getting lost in a jungle perhaps? or ok forget it, i would settle for a bike ride in the himalayas..

4. To go tipsy and dance to my hearts content..!! (this can be arranged, no?)

5. To get some real nice feminine summer dresses and get a photo-shoot done near Lutyen's Delhi!

6. To have panther lick my hand with love once.. he never does.. i dnt want to die without panther licking my hand..

7. Finish my "Happy Book" with Hina.. those know about it know about it

8. To make my own house.. i mean.. to be able to have large windows, green green very very green plants, my kinda furniture and loads of stuff in my mind that i hope to do in my home.. my own home.. i may not live there.. bt i wanna let loose my creativity in that one place

9. Err.. ok, this may sound cheesy but i would like to have a baby before I die.. i mean, who doesn't? But then, who will take care if her? I will think of something. Don't worry.

10. To hug everyone i love and get them together somehow and have a living funeral-cum-party..

ok, cant think of more right now..would jot in as i feel another eccentric thought building up in my mind!

Growing Up

What's growing up? Is it the realisation that the beliefs you nurtured and imbibed all these years were nothing? That all you liked about yourself was actually delusional nonsense. That all you despised and hoped never to be is what the world demands that you be. It is a difficult realisation, one that only reminds you of what could have been instead of what should have been.

All our lives we think of standing up for what is right, for doing what is right and for having the grit and the determination to face all odds. To be strong when going gets tough, to not give in, then what happens when in love? Why we falter when the one's we have to stand up to are our own people?

I have seen myself doing things i should not have done. I have seen myself give in a times when i should not have. All for love. It was not a sacrifice but definitely a foolish obligation that i kept serving subconsciously. I must have been sure of getting the same in return. That didn't happen.. one was left bereaved.. then what? What right does one have against one's own? Indifference is the best way I used to think, but what if something as much as a scratch on someone leaves you in a state of panic? What do you do then?

Or is growing up just a phase that keeps returning to us.. today what i believe would look kiddish tomorrow, but after a while in some other situation, i would realise those old beliefs were true, innocent and so very pure.

------------------------

Growing up is looking back and laughing at our most 'serious' moments..

All through my childhood i wanted to be an adult, and now that i am one, I yearn for the child in me...

A window to the past, a channel to the future, yet always in the present..thats "growing up"..

The Dark Post

I type in darkness..nothing romantic about this.. its not pitch dark but darn enough for me to be making mistakes. So watch out for that. I'm trying my best here! Something has happened with electricity today... the ac is on, the fan isn't, the tv is on, the doorbell isnt, the fridge is on the tubelights aren't. My very own spooky house! I remember long time back i watched a film on star movies in which there was a "electric ghost" in a house where there was a baby sitter attending to a kid.. they were alone and strange things begun to happen.. i don't recollect the name or the climax of the flick but it had us enthralled, me and my cousins.. we were camping in the basement those days, it was my Bua's wedding day i guess! heh

You know what's the most impertinent, irritating and the oft-repeted question being asked to me day in and day out? It goes like this.. "How's Life?", or "What's up?"., "Did you get the internship you were looking for?"..blah blah blah.. A month back i wouldn't have believed it had someone told me that even after one month of you exams you would be sitting at home.. doing nothing but blogging..everynow and then.,, i would have looked at the soothayer with narrowed eyes, armed my face with a questioning look, coupled with the words, "bah! im not gonna be home".. but well.. here i am, this is me.. sitting at home.. and wat's the date? June 6-- precisely a month has passed since my exams ended (well, the courts are closed aren't they??? i give me this feeble excuse)

I tried and tried and tried and now i am doing nothing but waiting for one Ms Varsha from MARG to return from Patna...uske baad mujhe hai usko Patana..and Internship lagwana. :) Don't expect better poetry, i can hardly see anything here..all i have for my rescue is the glow emanating from the laptop screen. I wanna read but can't do that unless i sit in the heat outside, which i wanna avoid.

--------------------------

Today's newspapers are full of dates and years and memorabilia.. been 25 years that Hindu-Sikh Riots happened in 1984, been 20 years since Tianmen Square massacre...and my weak and non-issue statistic of one month having elapsed since my exams came to an end.

fkdknkldhknkdsvls :)

dear blog

Im not feeling at peace with myself. I had strange dreams last night.. and not just one but many. All of them were so engrossing and thrilling that i feel like i hardly slept. Apart from the tiny-winy details i don't think i recall the substantive part of my dreams. But they seem to tell me even more than ever how unsettled my mind is and how I seek some fulfilment, some poise and composure back in my life. Its as if my legs are wobbly and my mind is floating. No I didn't drink at all last night. I don't like to drink. Shhhhhhh..

I just want to go out of Delhi. All alone preferably. I wish i could just pack my bags, put in a camera, stuff some good things to eat and take off for places unknown. I want to reach the railway station, not knowing where i'm headed.. hitch hiking thats called isn't it? Then i want to hitch hike the hell out of hitch hiking. Recently I got an offer to work in Ahmedabad and I wanted to jump and grab the opportunity. But i couldn't.. lets not even go to the reasons.

I have lots of work to do today and some i have already done. Feels nice to be working by 9 o'clock. I have deliberately and with much effort changed my sleeping pattern so as to get up early and go for a run with Panther and Maxie. They make my day. So now I sleep early and get up early. I had a horrible routine these past 3-4 months..i used to sleep around 3 or 4 and get up around 9 or 10..couldn't sleep for longer as Panther would start barking his head off by then..and the whole day would be spent in daze.

I need a car asap. I really do. 

what else can i moan about today? now that my head is not at its usual place. Yesterday night i got afraid. Why? Reading Harry Potter. I know anyone would laugh at me but something in it made me watchout for flying curtains and whether the doors were latched properly. I like to be afraid sometimes.. cz i don't get afraid of "ghosts" too often..so i enjoy the feeling of being afraid of the unknown! Even Exorcist didn't scare me last time and the trip to Scary House with Hina had me in splits!..well, no marks to me at the scary house as more than scary it was funny and the way Hina was shouting at the ghosts, "don't touch!" i was half rolling on the floor! 

I bought 2 boos some days back. Tuesdays with Morrie and The Last Lecture, both of these im yet to begin with. Have been on a Harry Potter tour all these days, one after the other i have picked up Potter and how i love them. I even love Kreacher now.

i like writing like this.. unmindful of the vocabulary, spellings, paragraphs and best of all, topic! there is no topic, thats the topic! heheee

bye blog, i have to get ready and get going. love ya so much

next time when i write i pomish to be more shenshible. hic hic hic!

Love's the Wor(l)d!

He is tall, he is dark and by all means a fine-looking, well-groomed gentleman, who comes from a handsome family, or so was I told. 

She is fair and slim, with a walk so dainty it could make blokes dribble and drool with love or lust alike. But as happens with some girls and many love stories, the softness though not merely skin deep, was for the selective few. To those lusting about her, trying their luck, she could be as brittle as a turtle's shell and as vengeful as a wounded tigeress. But that is just a shade of hers, the true hue lies elsewhere.  

I don't remember if they talked when they met first. I don't even recall when it was exactly that under my very own watchful eyes they became friends, best of friends and now certainly lovers. He was quite a homely guy, whose material requirements were fulfilled at home, whose life revolved around the family members and every now and then when a familiar call would come from outside from his so-called friends he would go out to say a kind word of greeting only to be back in again. At home he may be stubborn sometimes, but then who isn't? And if you would ask me, that's what makes my day, seeing the naughty side of his.  

She altered his simple routine, disrupted his night and day and how magnificently! As to when they met, it beats my memory, but the story lays elsewhere. Keep reading..  

It was his love for her that he started to happily wait outside under the sun and the rain, though much to my discomfort and annoyance. He would do nothing but wait for her one backward glance for hours and hours sometimes all through the night that I would have to get him to have his dinner outside the home! So many times I tried to coax him to come inside to the rooms so he would talk to me or watch television with us or eat his lunch/dinner on time.. but he, he was hardly on this planet, hardly aware of time and food. All that he could make sense of were the moments spent outside, yearning for her. And the moments that she would appear strolling by our house, mindful of his unblinking gaze, yet confident of her self, he would be in positive state of trance..  

She was definitely aware of the charm that her beauty and suave manners were casting on him for she deliberately took rounds of our home without any reason. Sometimes I found her sitting on the ramp as if resting, so that he may have his pleasure of staring at her demure self for hours altogether! Being a gentleman, he also at times let her be. But whenever he and i went out for a walk, i could see him gazing at her with rapt attention .. sometimes trying to hide his love from my watchful eyes and sometimes even silently cooing for her, thinking I'm too busy to take notice..i did though.  

Morning, Evening or late at night, with time she soon took note of our routine..and would accompany me when I would venture out, or when mother would buy vegetables or my dad would go for a walk. At first I was puzzled, why would she do that?? What made her so unabashed. Was she too 'forward??' I was horrified at the last thought! But soon we all figured it out! Like a devoted lover, she not only made her beau fall for her, she now wanted to make his family hers! "Smart girl", i muttered to myself when she first nodded at me when we crossed path near the colony gate. 'She's definitely here for a long haul', I told myself that day. And rightly so, because come next morning she very casually invited herself for the morning walk. A if it was routine matter! He was evidently feeling smug today and his steps were surer and jumpier! I smelled something fishy there. May be this was all a part of a "pre-planned morning stroll" in which I was merely a pawn! But looking at the two of them, it still looked like everything was normal, I shrugged off the thought and I must have missed their winks for just then I recalled. Last night he was out till late wasn't he? hmm...  

With time I got used to her hanging around with us. From a pair of two we became a group of three that jogged along in the park and enjoyed each others company. Her dancing, girly self with energy levels touching the skies and happiness knowing no bounds! I have seen them joking and whispering secrets, which I was unable to understand! I have also seen him most happy when she is around, which has quadrupled my affection for the little girl who makes me look forward to evenings and night time strolls and who has carved out a place for her in my heart which I was oblivious of.  

Sometimes jealousy does take over when I want to have him for my own.. can't help being jealous about him can I? He being my heartbeat! But yes, he did find a true lover and now she has won all of our hearts. And if I don't find her waiting outside when I step out for work, I get concerned about her well being..whether she ate last night.... As for him, he isn't that young that I would cling him on to my chest forever. He is a big man now out to face the world and I am happy and content, that in her he has found a companion, a friend and an attractive guide! He may be 6 years elder to her in age, but in smartness wisdom, none of her tribe can beat her. These days I also give them some time together alone in the park, seeing my young lad jump with her and also let her trotter about his side. And I just say to myself, may be she has a thing for 'older men'..! Because even by conventional standards, one can easily say that there cannot be any dearth for suitors for her for she is so pretty, so lovable and a perfect girlfriend, who's intelligent, fun loving and has a spark in her that could bowl over any guy, what to say of my gentle lad, who wouldn't say "whoo" to a bird if he can help it.  

Perhaps it is this quietness and calm in him that attracts her towards him. He senses her lively youth and smiles to himself and I in turn sense that smile. He is perhaps thanking his stars for bringing this little spark into his life..and I thank the stars for bringing them both into the world, for me and for each other. Maxie's at the gate again.. and Panther rushes towards her.. their tails wagging..