on living and dying

Why do I continuously want to die? I try not to think of it but I find peace in the thought at times. I do not have the courage to see the future, to see more people, to suffer more lies, to break my heart some more, to see people I love die and to still go on. 

I do not have it in me to go on - not physically - not mentally. I find myself arguing with life itself. Wrestling, grappling myself out of its clutch I want it to free me and let me decide for myself. Like a sane person should. We should have the right to the ultimate exit without causing pain to anyone. We should be able to go as unquestioned as we were born. Is this whole 'life' thing not an imposition?

They say, and you might also say it is a gift. I balk at that. I am unable to fathom, I am unable to enjoy this gift, it is difficult to breathe in the mornings. Why can't anyone see it is difficult? Humiliating when I see those names in my phone's contact lists and call up people just to distract myself. My mind knows what I am doing, the whole 'act' of it is disgusting but I fear going mad. And so I make the call, very reluctantly.

And as I write this I realize how big an irony it is and what a big fraud I must be. On one hand I shiver with anxiety, afraid for my safety, afraid for everything I have including my mind, and on the other I talk so carelessly (thanklessly, if you will) about life itself. On one hand I am afraid something bad will happen to me - on the other I want the worst (according to common belief) i.e. death itself. 

You see the conflict? Where do I take it and who do I share it with?

And then enters the greater ignominy of it all. The idea that others are suffering more and here I am bestowed with so much and yet complaining? Do you see the layers and layers in which this 'thing' is operating on me? Not allowing me to live, not allowing me to wish to die, not allowing me to breathe, not allowing me to be?

I am tired. Is there no end to this bitter conflict in me? 

nervous

I am feeling extremely nervous as I type this. I don't know what will work and what not. I don't know if any therapy would help me. But I want it to help. I was fine all day and evening.. in fact I even enjoyed my company today at a coffee shop where I sat and read my book after a hard day. But all that is gone now and I have fallen flat on my face again. I feel crestfallen and so humiliated, because I dared to feel fine for a bit. I am afraid for my future for my life to come. I fear I might go insane and I do not want that to happen to me.

I wrote to you some days back also as I cried the whole night. I didn't send you the mail. I wanted to appear strong. As if not addressing will make it go away. But right now I am panicking. And trying to write calmly.

Why is this happening to me?! I want to be healthy in the mind. I am having trouble breathing easy and the fear is making me want to cry. But I can't cry right now.

falling

I am back from Amalner. Albeit with a sprained ankle. I am with my friend pretending to watch the television, but my heart is sinking and I am struggling to keep it afloat. 

Yesterday night just before I was to leave for the bus stop to board the sleeper bus for my journey back to Mumbai, I tripped and fell from the stairs outside Bharti ji's house. My ankle had twisted pretty severely was beginning to swell. Bharti ji and her daughter were quick to get ice cubes I asked for. I was in unbearable pain, and yet it was sadness and breathlessness that felt more excruciating. I instantly felt fear gripping me and a sense of failure soon tiptoed behind it. I was trying to fend off tears not knowing their source - were these tears from the pain I was physically feeling or were these from the sense of failure that the fall seemed symbolic of? I knew it was the latter as I also tried to reason with me it has to be the former.

The research project, the traveling, the interviews, the fact that my family doesn't really understand what is it that I do, my being on my own for almost all the trips I have made professionally were already taking a toll on me. Because everything was an effort and yet I was forcing myself to go on, instead of feeling satisfied after two hard days of work, I was still feeling lost. Keep working, I would tell myself. And keep smiling. But my tripping and collapsing on the ground broke whatever I had salvaged of my spirit. I again felt I had failed. I felt I did not have it in me. I again felt my head swoon.

I asked Bharti ji to hold my hand. (I had trusted her from the moment I had met her an year back, so it was ok to be vulnerable in front of her). I told her I was ill at ease and nervous and if she could just hold my hand. She held out her hand and then she hugged me. Patting me softly on my back, as I sat on her sofa and she stood holding me. She could feel I wasn't near tears for the twisted ankle but for something else. Five minute passed and soon I recovered. The pain was there but I could take that. A doctor soon arrived, turned down all possibilities of a fracture, sent for an injection and some medicines and it was all taken care of.

Post Script:

I read somewhere that there really is something called a broken heart syndrome. I do not know much about it - but that term perfectly describes how I feel. As if something is physically broken inside of me and try as I might my heart/mind isn't functioning normally. 

Please know that I hate to have to written this, nay, I am ashamed to have written this. THIS when there is so much of real work to be done. When there is so much I am capable of and yet this is what I come up with? I need to understand myself. Discover my place in the universe, truly understand what I am here for and feel life's worth again. Either that happens or I will be doomed to live through this, as if a curse is upon me.