Day 4: of dubai, bbq, the beach and me

Dear Diary,

Hi :) Missed writing ya.. im fine here.. its a lot of laid-back fun and relaxation unlike perhaps every before.. we sleep late, get up even later and then go for some sightseeing. I don't have my cellphone here.. and I like it that way. No phone to carry or worry about who messaged or called and who all I need to call back. Its nice.. this break. The only contact I have is through fb.. heh..lame i know.. but that's it.. after a long time i am enjoying talking to lotsa people.. being there.. my old self.. happy and care free.

As for Panther, I miss him a lot.. there's this little porcelain labrador here at my sister's place.. complete with a leash and collar.. it is sooo beautiful and realistic that one feels like petting him .. it feels it wil bark and wag his tail any moment! When panther had passed away we had decided we will plant a tree sapling there where we laid him.. i am waiting to reach delhi soon and plant a fruit bearing tree. I cannot wait to do that for him. I love you baby.. i keep wishing.. i keep wishing in vain that you'll be back.. but i see ur pics on my cell and you end up making me smile that you were with me for so long.. having you more would be like being greedy it seems. You're too good..

As for Dubai.. its a great city.. its sometimes like India the way we would want it to be, albeit the stringent rules and lack of democracy.. but may be that is important if you want things to work systematically for a larger populace..ofcourse what I say sounds ridiculous to me.. but i have begun to think how would a nation be with a consciencious state of governance sans democracy. There is a considerable Indian and Pakistani crowd here.. so you don't feel stranded or alone. Two days back we had gone to Al Ain, another emirate. There we reached Green Mubazarrah which is a mountainous region with greenery all around the valley and also the most picturisque rocky mountains. There was a breathtaking view all around .. as the sun came down the glistening lights made me feel i was looking at the spectacular surface of earth from somewhere in space.

Thereafter we descended from the hills and came down to green region where there were so many groups of people bunking in camps and also barbequing. We were a group o 12-13 people..one of us, Abdul is great with bbq..he arranged for bbq material and the veggies. We spread out mats and used my sisters picnic bag which is the most interesting little package of anything and everything u'd need on a picnic! Sexy glasses, cutlery, mat, salt and pepper shakes.. i mean u name it the bag has it. I helped make paneer tikka.. we also roasted mushrooms, baby corn, corncobs, potato, capsicum, tomato etc all sliced and 'seekhed' and sprinkled with salt pepper and lemon all by ourselves.. it tasted yum. There was also a hot water spring nearby from which a brooke flowed and we sat with out feet dipped.. it was lovely.. natural pedicure.. they say the water is therapeutic.. I dont know about that. When you sit on the mat, near the bbq.. flanked by gigantic mountaines and rocks nearby.. with green pasture stretching till your eye looses its vision.. you feel you wanna be alone as much as you feel you wanna be with somebody! I roamed around a lot.. helped barbeque.. i loved doing that and i planned how i could do the same at home sometime..may be on our roof top i can.

The next day we went for shopping but didn't do much of that.. watched a movie and then had lunch. On our way back we went for car wash..which is a nice experience since we kept sitting inside the car.. i was wondering how many cute things two lovers cud do inside the car.. as the car gets brushed, washed and polished by huge sprinklers, foam, scrub and brush ;)

Thereafter, we pulled up the car near the open seas.. it was way past midnight and quite chilly by now... As it often happens... i grew sentimental near the beach... the waves, the rocks, the wet sands and the footprints seemed to have a life of their own..and i kept watching.. wanting to hold the beauty .. capture it in my eyes.. embracing it.. but as happens with most beautiful things in life.. you can't actually do that.. and even if you may hold them for once, you can't hold them forever.. those feelings, emotions and love.. its free.. and therein lies the beauty. It would vanish in my embrace, it would evaporate if i try to reach out to it.. one needs to stand still.. and wait for it come to you.. have you felt that ever? Has anyone?

:) aaah.. i so wish to write more.. more about such abstract feelings.. it makes me feel like me. But i defer doing this.. cz im afraid of the flow.. im afraid of myself at times and what I may let out and what I may behold.

Will post pics in some time..i wish i could go on typing all night..:)

love and peace,
neha

My introduction to my core

Let me share with you things about a certain people that I always envied. I always wanted a calm mind, more patience in life, a settled conscience, basically peace inside. And I knew it definitely existed. I must also mention here that I am doing fine now. :) I am really really better and I have no intention of opting out of this phase. :)

But I sometimes get anxious and it does me no good. When I meet people who sparingly give a thought to events that are capable of catapulting an entire universe of emotions for me, I realise that I have much to learn. Either these people don’t think or their ying and yang are so in conformity that there is no place for doubt or the need for self assessment! I never want to copy them ( I am too much in love with my erratic, irrational, impulsive self) but for my own peace of mind and to rid myself of superfluous insecurities and anxiety that have come to haunt me for the past year or so, I have sought ways to achieve that state of mind where not everything is charged up and manic. Where there exist periods of tranquility in my mind-- like it used to be in childhood. To top the unsettled mind, my insomniac tendencies don’t let me sleep at night. The ever charged up brain does rock ‘n’ roll inside at the cost of my peaceful sleep. And then I began reading Eat, Pray, Love which revealed to me an alternate defence mechanism which I had inside of me but was more or less untapped until now.

To cut the chase short- I meditated today. Summoning all my belief in my core- the nucleus of my being – the limitless relentless energy that subsides within me, I sat cross-legged on the bed and did the dhyana. I shut my eyes. My hands rested on my shin, gently clasped together. I concentrated into the darkness around. In my mind I kept wading through, descending deeper and deeper into the confines of my being. I calmly discarded all thoughts away from the path I was creating. Like gigantic translucent round objects, the unwanted thoughts would come to me one by one and I would catch hold of them to save my head and would hurl them back into the universe. Never halting in the way. As I'd fling it back the ball like thing would shatter into a thousand little pieces and vanish eventually. No single thought tried messing with my brain again. And when no new thought would come, I tried to softly suppress the voices in my head that were hell bent on conversing with me. Dissuading me from this silly pose I was sitting in and the thing called ‘meditation’. Almost reflexively, I pictured a big brown wobbly chest. The voices were coming out from this chest. I gathered all my strength to shut the chest and once I overpowered it and I sat atop it – cross-legged again.

Now was the time for some good thoughts. I pictured a meadow, all green and serene, with birds and cats and dogs playing around peacefully- a beautiful quite sound filled up my senses.. may be it was the trees. Then I pictured a stream.. a small stream. I walked upto it, barefooted throughout. And I sat down near it. I was bathed in calm and peace by then. It was not bliss I think because bliss has to be extraordinary. But it was the beginning of a belief in this thing that was happening in my head and I was liking it so much there. I had no desire to get up or even move. I must have enjoyed the scenic beauty for a while.

But soon the mind came back to reality and I realised I was on the bed with my eyes closed. My hair stroked my cheek and I wanted to brush them away but I let them be. I felt a tingling sensation on the shoulder but I let that be. I accepted that. Just like I was ready to accept the universe outside and the world within me.

I wasn’t seeking much actually.. I had tried this thing so as to check if there’s any peace inside. I was so on the right path. For once I did NOT do the soul-searching I do all the time. I stopped time for myself. I forbade me to think of the uncertainties of the future and mistakes of the past. For once I tried to truly and completely accept what the universe has to offer. It was not an attempt not to think, but an attempt to choose what to think. I didn’t let my mind wander from the path that I was wading through. The meadow and chest of voices were there but the path was the constant state of mind. It felt as if there were many miles to go, to where I didn’t know. But even the distance made happy because the journey was like nourishing me. There was one more belief now -- that in time the darkness that I was walking and running within would go away and turn to light. The destination as well as the path would brighten up, showing me a beautiful landscape.

I have been confused for a long time now. And I have always ran to people for peace. I always knew it was temporary. But this seemed promising for this was inside of me. No one can take away the core of me. It has abundant - unlimited energy – it IS the source of all energy. I did not decide when to stop meditating. I was completely oblivious of the time. I could have been sitting cross-legged for five minutes or it could have been an hour, for all I knew. But after a while I could feel that I was being thrown out of the delirium! I could feel that the journey was not over and that there are many miles to go but for today it was enough. I could only accept..my core was throwing me out afterall. I said a few nice things that I wanted to say out loud. I could not help but pray a little. Me, Neha the one whose relationship with religion has always been a choice between deciding whether I was an atheist or an agnostic!

I just prayed that let this training continue and that I will come again. When opened my eyes I felt refreshed and calm. For a long long time I had not been this clear-eyed and focussed even after eight hours of sleep.

:)

All this happened in about half an hour (I checked the time afterward) of sitting still and assuming charge. It was not about letting go and relaxation. It was foremost about gaining control. It was accepting and believing that henceforth my core will be the boss of me. Not my heart not my mind. Just that mystical source of power inside of me. I always used to jibe about the things they said about ‘controlling the senses’ in our spiritual sessions in school. I used to think it was an impossible to perform, theoretical effete piece of Vedic knowledge. Now I know better.

This has been possible cz of the Pray part of the book. The belief stemmed from reading it. I hate to imitate or to get so influenced by people or experiences in their lives. I believe in imbibing what I can and should and leaving the rest. But this once it seemed to be the rightest thing to do. I would be foolish not to follow my instinct. :)