Thursday, August 5, 2010

tête-à-tête

Hey! Had a long day - partly spent at college and partly at home. Post internship, I feel I had been walking with this weight (that I liked) upon my shoulders for a month and suddenly the weight has been lifted but my shoulders pretending not to have felt anything! But I know i'm gonna get used to the college schedule (read being free for most of the working hours) and enjoy being by myself again. 

I am reading a few nice books these days. I recently got a copy of Rabindranath Tagore's Gitanjali at the recommendation of a friend. I read a few passages but just got time to skim. (Actually, I procrastinate with purpose).

Another book I recently bought from dear old colorful delightfully quintessentially Indian and  Dilli-rious Janpath is M.J. Akbar's India- the seige within, which I enjoyed reading immensely some years back and wanted to adorn my collection. It's the most readable, precise, concise, interesting and captivating yet honest portrayal of Indian History-as we know it. Its my book-in-hand these days.

Among my other simultaneous reads is the ever-friendly Harry Potter.. am reading the 5th part for perhaps the 5th time now. Its light, its cool, its kiddish, its fun, its happy..what else does one want before one doses off to sleep or reads first thing in the morning when eyes are still dry and mind disoriented? :) Besides, the first part of Deathly Hallows is about to hit the cinema halls and I wanna go well-prepared, you see. ;) 

Another extraordinary collectible I recently purchased and have read is an anthology on 'Love' by Modern Library. The book is a complete steal - a rare and a classic compilation of perhaps the best of short stories, poetry, ballads, fables, essays and excerpts from English Literature. What would you say if you got the likes of Charlotte Bronte, Jane Austen, Anton Chekov, D.H. Lawrence, Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Samuel Taylor Coleridge et al talking of love and longing in one single bind? And wouldn't your heart do a silent somersault when introduced to the amorous poetry by Donne and Robert Browning? Especially Donne, I must mention. And wouldn't you wanna picture yourself sitting under a tree, singing to yourself, with a basket of flowers and a river softly flowing by, when reading of Greek gods and their trysts with love? I read these all and so loved 'em. There's more I am yet to savour. :)

I am in an exceptionally soft mood today. And no it isn't in reaction to the anthology. I don't know why, but my heart is swaying to something. What is it? What is it?

I watched The Fountainhead today...mustered the will to watch after considerable dilly dallying. Didn't want the images in my head to be washed away with those of the characters in the movie, as it so often happens and spoils the read. But having seen it now, I can safely pronounce it to be a 'safe-adaptation'. The movie is in black and white, little coarse but nice. Had it been balmier or dulcet, it would have besmirched Rand's polemic reputation.


Me thinks.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Misfit

The nights are long and dreary
The days I remember blearily
I wake up jolted.
Insides revolted.
In pain and anguish
left by you for me
as our parting gift.
We were, my darling
- Such a misfit.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Of Lutyen's Delhi, Jungpura, The Statesman House and Me

Hi.. just reached office..the place where I am presently interning. I have been driving to this place (Jungpura) since the past few days now and though it has its pros and cons (opting to drive this far) but I am enjoying the long drive more with each passing day. That's because there's a considerable stretch within Lutyen's Delhi that makes me wanna keep going on and of course music helps. The beautiful  bump-less roads....the majestic greenery .. the fast moving cars and roundabouts, the fact that it's close to Connaught Place..and located near so many museums and legendary buildings with wonderful food joints like Bengali Market nearby and places like Purana Quila -- make me feel I've come home. The area is so nicely lit up at night.. and then there's India Gate to keep me company on one major roundabout. There's a lake nearby and one can see people boating or just roaming about the lush green lawns. They have all the time in the world.. such comfort. :)

Finally the mystery of Lutyen Delhi is revealing itself to me. Now I know why we're supposed to religiously follow the Ashoka Road! It would lead you to every wondeful place there is in this part of Dilli. I always used to wonder how to reach Patel Chowk or may be Pandara Road.. or Zakir Hussain Marg... it all makes so much sense, now that I have driven through it by myself. Earlier, places like Jungpura, Nizammuddin etc. seemed almost beyond my reach for I used to find the route so confusing and befuddling, especially at night. I never thought I could drive myself to these places alone... now it seems like a child's play..I always used to be scared of getting lost in Lutyen's Delhi.. always preferring the lethal combo of auto-metro to reach far flung places.


I am yet to discover where a road emanating from the Blue Tomb roundabout leads to.. I think it leads straight to Lodhi Road. I'm gonna find out soon. There are many more discoveries in the offing! I recently realised that if you keep going straight on Mandir Marg, and not take the left turn you always take, you reach Birla Mandir and thence when you take a right the Kala Bari Marg makes for a better route! And and and if you keep going on that road before you know it, you reach Sacred Heart Cathedral and Bangla Sahib in no time! I can just go on about these little happy discoveries I am making each day.. these roads are opening up to me and I am warming up to them.

This part of Jungpura (called Bhogal), where I come everyday, is not without its 'rustic' elements and the cheeencheeenpopo (blaring din) of traffic and ogling men.. but the place is quite well-situated. I have seen quite a few foreigners as well as refugees putting up here, apart from those working in my own department. Yesterday I went with six of them to a joint called Kabul..an Afghani deli that serves almost zilch vegetarian food.. actually they are unaware of the existence the term 'vegetarian'. The afghani naan and kabuli chana that I comforted my appetite with were so Afghani..the bread was thicker than a coffee-table book and the lentils too sweet for my taste. But because it was so different I liked it better. Shukran shukran I muttered under my breath feeling more outlandish than all my Europian and American colleagues! 

There's another posh locality nearby. That is also Jungpura, albeit epicurean in style. I picture mean lawyers and shrewd men living in those mansions. (ofcrs till I own one) This affluent section of Jungpura is predominantly inhabited by lawyers (the penguin class). There are so many firms in the cubby holes of those big houses that it's definitely a haven for any law student looking for internship. My advice: Just knock on all the doors of the neighbourhood and  plead. Someone will sure take you in. And if no one shows pity on you kindly throw a stone aiming the skies above and it is bound to fall on the head of a lawyer..haha.. :P it'll be fun. 

A few days ago I was waiting for a friend in CP. It was one of those pre-monsoon days that gave us our first taste of heavens pouring. I got down from the auto at Barakhamba Road, already half drenched, but as usual smug about my date with the rains. Acting touristy, as I very often like to do, I took many pictures of the majestic Statesman House which happens to be my favorite building. An edifice I consider an architectural marvel with its grand towers and old worldly stone yet classic design and everlasting, ageless, stark magnanimity and consummate emplacement. I stood there admiring it till I couldn't look up anymore and had to run for cover. As the rain receded, I again stepped on the pavement and took some more pics. The weather was so fine..just perfect and though I wanted to visit the Oxford Bookstore situated within the Statesman House.. I decided not to miss the awesome weather and the wonder that stood towering before me.


The Statesman House


There is more to Statesman House than just the structure it is. There is more to it and that's the reason why I'm so partial to it. It left a lasting memory once, a moment engraved in my senses and espoused in my being. It bechanced as I was ascending the staircase leading up the first floor and as I turned around I could see Connaught Place bursting with energy and spontaneity. Amidst the profusion of colorful neons and ablaze of headlights in motion, I felt the bearing of a raging awareness of raw emotion, repleting with an almost ruthless presence of power and strength. It smacked of opportunity, of abundant possibilities; of so many roads diverging and converging..of the grandiosity of life we take so granted; and the sheer magnanimity of what man can achieve. My heart thumped with each beat. And i felt freer than ever.
Gautam Bhuddha must have felt the same under the Bodhi Tree in Gaya I guess! It was a revelation of what being free meant, of what growing up felt like, of tasting independence for the very first time. I remember I came home that night and in all my newly chanced enlightenment, I jotted down my experience in a diary I used to keep back then. :) It was, and is, one of the most unforgettable moments that I spent with myself :)

So here are two of the pics I took that evening.. hope you lyk these and if you don't, tooo gooooood.. i'm mighty possessive anyway!

Standing tall


Throwing in a pic of India gate.. you have been a good reader.

India Gate by night


Sunday, July 11, 2010

Cliché Clichéd!

As I am growing up, and I believe I have grown up more in the past couple of years than the rest of my life put together, I have realized that clichés may be your usual run-of-the-mill things/ beliefs / values.. something you always wanna skip or dodge.. but once you have been there done that (another cliche there!) .. it is these very tiresome clichés you come back to and start to follow. Ideas like 'think positive'.. 'don't lose hope', 'there's always an option', 'don't think about that right now', 'eat healthy', 'keep smiling', 'it will be alright', 'have faith'  etcetra are staring at me back in the face..smiling at me, actually. Because I had so given up on these in my quest for better theories, deeper thoughts which I thought suited me better.

We go about trying to figure out new ways newer means to solve our lives troubles.. whilst the answers are there right in front of us and for so long. In the humdrum of our busy lives and the unyielding wont of complicating things we simply overlook what's been right there .. right there in front of us.. as if waiting patiently..standing cross legged with back resting against the wall..  with knowledge that we'll come around once we have had our little adventures.

And I find this thought so peaceful. That it has been right there. Positive thinking didn't give up on me because I had begun to fear the worst. It didn't stop working for me. It waited. And now that lives problems are getting murkier.. when people are changing along with my priorities.. it's the simple thinking and the clichés that are sticking with me.. holding out for me.. giving me peace and comfort and the ability to move forward!

In line comes the KISS formula... which comes as a breath of fresh air because every once in a while we have to be reminded .. reminded to KIS,S!

I so want to write more.. nothing makes me feel happier than coming here to my hideout in the blogosphere and let the thoughts roll out...am busy these days but would try best to keep comin! 

Love, Neha


  

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

monologue

Hey
Quick pointers and then i am off:

1. I did study criminology today (for my upcoming exam) and the theories are quite interesting. Captivating enough to engage me for a few hours. I flipped pages actually and slept some..slept some and flipped more pages (kick to self). I can't believe i had twelve.. TWELVE holidays for the last two exams and I have already wasted the first seven days doing nothing but procrastinating (and reading legal fiction with the an attention span that could put my exams to shame)

2. Am filled with FOF (fear of the future)..after law.. how- where- what- along with my deep seated desire of studying abroad..just a tiny-winy short term course in Developmental Journalism or something. FOF is nothing to worry about though.. I am a chronic patient of this malady! And I am cured almost every time. (I can almost hear the alter-ego say, " Girl,don't get so complacent just yet!)

3. I am so in the mood for an evening out. In fact to make matters easier I got nicely dressed! :P Exams do that to me. I get all dolled up .. an excuse to drag my feet some more :P

4. Come July.. and I have lots of plans. Back to crimi!

Monday, May 24, 2010

The Happiness of No Reason!

It is exhilarating for one to have found one’s self after a long time! It is the best home coming one can experience and am I glad! How, where, when it happened I know not. But my days are brighter, there is a smile on my face, there is a joke on my head.. I don’t fret the nights, and I don’t fret being by myself..for a short while it may be, but I am not running from myself. I hope this continues. I don’t know really whom to thank. They say time is the best healer so here’s an ode to time. They say friends are our true saviours.. so here’s a toast and a big big hug to them (( ))

I guess, life is not really just about a lot of highs, it is about climbing each peak, looking back and getting ready for the next plunge, only to embark upon another peak...another bit of happiness. You know what, I don’t know what I am saying! I just know that I am feeling light. Lighter by years, by ages, by degrees, by jove!

I don’t want sound the stereotypical happy happy girl here.. but what else should I be right now! I am feeling strong and hopeful, complete and electric! Ask me how I am doing! Oh ask away! And I shall say I am doing fantastic! :D


Being happy doesn’t mean I am not gonna cry kabhi.. and sharing my happiness doesn’t imply I am not gonna come to you for comfort anymore! I will, re! But as goes Hina and my most wisdomsome (that SHUD be a word by now, u know) ok….I should say most profound coinage: “isi mein hasle”! Cz..who knows if we get the chance later or not.. at least feel what you are feeling now and share the joy and wonder that is the ‘happiness of no reason’.

May the magic never subside!

Neha

Ye Nok Jhonk Shararatein Hain!

Heyaaa!! here is the limca commercial 2010.. an advertisement i so loveeeeee! The expression on the guy's face is so endearing and the girl's reposte so refreshing! Btw.. what better brand could i be sponsoring on my other blog that's so aptly titled Fresh Lime Soda?! Here is a copy of the original post..enjoy!

;)




Saturday, May 15, 2010

My introduction to my core

Let me share with you things about a certain people that I always envied. I always wanted a calm mind, more patience in life, a settled conscience, basically peace inside. And I knew it definitely existed. I must also mention here that I am doing fine now. :) I am really really better and I have no intention of opting out of this phase. :)

But I sometimes get anxious and it does me no good. When I meet people who sparingly give a thought to events that are capable of catapulting an entire universe of emotions for me, I realise that I have much to learn. Either these people don’t think or their ying and yang are so in conformity that there is no place for doubt or the need for self assessment! I never want to copy them ( I am too much in love with my erratic, irrational, impulsive self) but for my own peace of mind and to rid myself of superfluous insecurities and anxiety that have come to haunt me for the past year or so, I have sought ways to achieve that state of mind where not everything is charged up and manic. Where there exist periods of tranquility in my mind-- like it used to be in childhood. To top the unsettled mind, my insomniac tendencies don’t let me sleep at night. The ever charged up brain does rock ‘n’ roll inside at the cost of my peaceful sleep. And then I began reading Eat, Pray, Love which revealed to me an alternate defence mechanism which I had inside of me but was more or less untapped until now.

To cut the chase short- I meditated today. Summoning all my belief in my core- the nucleus of my being – the limitless relentless energy that subsides within me, I sat cross-legged on the bed and did the dhyana. I shut my eyes. My hands rested on my shin, gently clasped together. I concentrated into the darkness around. In my mind I kept wading through, descending deeper and deeper into the confines of my being. I calmly discarded all thoughts away from the path I was creating. Like gigantic translucent round objects, the unwanted thoughts would come to me one by one and I would catch hold of them to save my head and would hurl them back into the universe. Never halting in the way. As I'd fling it back the ball like thing would shatter into a thousand little pieces and vanish eventually. No single thought tried messing with my brain again. And when no new thought would come, I tried to softly suppress the voices in my head that were hell bent on conversing with me. Dissuading me from this silly pose I was sitting in and the thing called ‘meditation’. Almost reflexively, I pictured a big brown wobbly chest. The voices were coming out from this chest. I gathered all my strength to shut the chest and once I overpowered it and I sat atop it – cross-legged again.

Now was the time for some good thoughts. I pictured a meadow, all green and serene, with birds and cats and dogs playing around peacefully- a beautiful quite sound filled up my senses.. may be it was the trees. Then I pictured a stream.. a small stream. I walked upto it, barefooted throughout. And I sat down near it. I was bathed in calm and peace by then. It was not bliss I think because bliss has to be extraordinary. But it was the beginning of a belief in this thing that was happening in my head and I was liking it so much there. I had no desire to get up or even move. I must have enjoyed the scenic beauty for a while.

But soon the mind came back to reality and I realised I was on the bed with my eyes closed. My hair stroked my cheek and I wanted to brush them away but I let them be. I felt a tingling sensation on the shoulder but I let that be. I accepted that. Just like I was ready to accept the universe outside and the world within me.

I wasn’t seeking much actually.. I had tried this thing so as to check if there’s any peace inside. I was so on the right path. For once I did NOT do the soul-searching I do all the time. I stopped time for myself. I forbade me to think of the uncertainties of the future and mistakes of the past. For once I tried to truly and completely accept what the universe has to offer. It was not an attempt not to think, but an attempt to choose what to think. I didn’t let my mind wander from the path that I was wading through. The meadow and chest of voices were there but the path was the constant state of mind. It felt as if there were many miles to go, to where I didn’t know. But even the distance made happy because the journey was like nourishing me. There was one more belief now -- that in time the darkness that I was walking and running within would go away and turn to light. The destination as well as the path would brighten up, showing me a beautiful landscape.

I have been confused for a long time now. And I have always ran to people for peace. I always knew it was temporary. But this seemed promising for this was inside of me. No one can take away the core of me. It has abundant - unlimited energy – it IS the source of all energy. I did not decide when to stop meditating. I was completely oblivious of the time. I could have been sitting cross-legged for five minutes or it could have been an hour, for all I knew. But after a while I could feel that I was being thrown out of the delirium! I could feel that the journey was not over and that there are many miles to go but for today it was enough. I could only accept..my core was throwing me out afterall. I said a few nice things that I wanted to say out loud. I could not help but pray a little. Me, Neha the one whose relationship with religion has always been a choice between deciding whether I was an atheist or an agnostic!
I just prayed that let this training continue and that I will come again. When opened my eyes I felt refreshed and calm. For a long long time I had not been this clear-eyed and focussed even after eight hours of sleep.

:)

All this happened in about half an hour (I checked the time afterward) of sitting still and assuming charge. It was not about letting go and relaxation. It was foremost about gaining control. It was accepting and believing that henceforth my core will be the boss of me. Not my heart not my mind. Just that mystical source of power inside of me. I always used to jibe about the things they said about ‘controlling the senses’ in our spiritual sessions in school. I used to think it was an impossible to perform, theoretical effete piece of Vedic knowledge. Now I know better.

This has been possible cz of the Pray part of the book. The belief stemmed from reading it. I hate to imitate or to get so influenced by people or experiences in their lives. I believe in imbibing what I can and should and leaving the rest. But this once it seemed to be the rightest thing to do. I would be foolish not to follow my instinct. :)

Friday, May 14, 2010

Eating, Praying, Loving

Dear Diary,

I have nothing much to say here but confess that i have wasted 2 days back to back. My next exam is of Labour Law but so much has been happening lately in and around me that studying seems to be the last thing on my mind. (Yea yea.. i will i will..just after i finish with you.)

I just listened to this wonderful song from ABBA.. i js love the band.. the songs named 'when all is said and done'.. it is such an honest song.. The first stanza goes like this:


Heres to us one more toast and then well pay the bill
Deep inside both of us can feel the autumn chill
Birds of passage, you and me
We fly instinctively
When the summers over and the dark clouds hide the sun
Neither you nor Im to blame when all is said and done


Anyhow.. i am trying to be as positive as i can be. Trying to fight off the demons of the mind. This time i know i won't buckle down. :)

I have been reading this wonderful wonderful book these days. It's called Eat, Pray, Love.. someone (my jiaji) gifted it to me and I am so happy he did! You know I always think of certain books as a dish or cuisine.. some are too sweet, some too salty.. some too weird but fun and some simply abominable. Some we have to have to finish in one read ..those that flow easily and we are able to swallow the words like noodles or macaroni..there's hardly any patience to chew! Some books are like the mundane food we eat..we'll eat it alright but we won't recall the taste once our plate is wiped clean. A very rare breed are those books which take us with them and make us travel.. like eating authentic food in an ethnic setting.. picture eating authentic Chinese or Thai or Mexican food that makes you feel like you have actually travelled the distance. And then there is the quintessential variety of Classics that are like good old maggie or malai kofta or daal makhni or shahi paneer or parantha or chawal-daal that becomes your staple diet and you order it each time you are ordering not just for the taste but for the familiarity it brings to your table. And then ~ there are books like the one I am reading ~ Eat, Pray, Love..which is like the mouthwatering dessert that you have before dinner and then forget about the dinner! Of course this categorization is in my head and needless to say reflective of my life and times! 

Eat, Pray, Love is not an unputdownable read. It is a book you can re-read. I see it as a chocolate truffle that I wanna relish and savour..trying to keep it rolling under my tongue for longer and longer till it melts and slides! It would be a shame to finish it in one go...the joy of reading does not lie in the end; it is in the journey. More than the book I think the timing for me to be reading it is perfect. There could not have been a righter book for the righter time. The last 'dessert book' to me was The Kite Runner...there are many more names to boot but may be later in the post.

I don't wanna give away why it is doing to me what I so wanted done to me. I just know that while reading it in the last few days I have come across instances and passages that tell my own story and relieve me of burdens i have a habit of carrying around.. I hope I don't sound overt here but I just wanna keep reading it for the simple things of life. And before I shut it at night and switch off the lights..I look at the remaining pages and do an invisible jig inside of me. that there is still halfway to go :)

More when i finish it. And oh- a word to the author- Elizabeth Gilbert ~ "Excellanto!"

PS: more about spritualism later

More dessert books: Jane Eyre, Kite Runner, Life of Pi, Memoirs of a Geisha, and i wont shy away from mentioning ALL Harry Potters. More but later. Have to rush. 

Lots of love

Monday, April 26, 2010

Champak Champak!

Whenever I get on with a book, I have the habit of doing a little research about the author on Google/ Wikipedia. The author's background, childhood, growing up years and education interest me no end. The ups and downs of the writer's life give me food for thought and this way I enjoy the book all the more. May be it's about getting familiar with the life and times in which the book was written. 

Today I was starting with Catch-22 - an e-book version given to me by a good friend of mine. I hadn't even begin with the second page that I felt the urge to know more about its author- Joseph Heller. Among many other things about the author, it also was said that while in his teenage he had written a short story and sent it to New York Daily News, which never got published.

This little anecdote from his life took me back to an anecdote from mine. It was around about the time when I was eleven-years old. I am still retrieving my memory as I type. And its making me smile! Feels like I'm travelling in time! So here's how the recollection goes: When young I used to be all gung-ho about story books - in Hindi/English both. I had a huge collection of Champaks, Nandans, Suman-Saurabhs, Nanhe-Samrats etc etc. And this was before I was introduced to the world of proper books.. except of course Enid Blyton. So, well, I loved reading these children-books, specially Champak! I loved reading it more than I loved cycling in rain, I loved it more than my favourite dish or anything a 5th class girl loves to do! I used to hop on my little cycle and do the rounds of the bookstall even before the chappie had laid out the books and magazines. I am sure that he was positively sick of me, the guy.. and considered me demented! Because though I gave him good business but I was always inquiring whether the newer edition of so & so book/magazine has arrived and the looks he gave smacked of pure exasperation! Every week without fail I used to chance upon some money and buy those kiddo books.. (i never called them comics.. those were proper short-story books, so what if they didn't have a hardcover!) I still don't know how I got the monies..I never remember my parents buying me those fortnightly mags. Though I do remember stashing them away in the cupboard so they don't stumble upon my treasure trove! So, well a little from the drawer, a little from the balance left from grocery shopping and my book-money was secure.. a copy of Champak used to cost Rs. 7 and later Rs.10...the price of other such mags was reciprocal.


So, one fine day, I got up and arrived at the conclusion that I was to write a story and as soon as that was done, I was to send it to a writing competition that was being organised by Champak -- which predominantly carried moralistic tales about protagonists the likes of Pintu, the monkey and Chintu, the rabbit..et al! 

So well, I drafted my story with much deliberation. It had a 'something for everyone' style I thought would enhance my prospects of getting selected! It had an innate twist that my little mind of eleven could foster. And not to mention, it had humans in it, thankfully! It was about how on the festival of Holi a little boy - my hero- saved the day by showing courage and wisdom - how he gallantly fought with my villains - the terrorists- and like an ace champion emerged victorious! Hurrah :P

So well.. I jotted down the story on few sheets of my notebook one evening. Feeling rather smug at the thought of my accomplishment-to-be, I reached my school the next morning. But I was afraid that my dear story would get rejected for the mere fact that my handwriting was nowhere short of being neat, in fact to some it could seem horrible! So I got hold of a friend of mine, whose handwriting I liked best, and begged her to write it down for me. I gave her brand-new sheets out of my practical-file to carry out the favour. Like a goooood friend she wrote it down (thanks, charu!) and next day handed it back. I don't really recall posting it but I think I did send it because I remember being ever-so-eager to buy the next issue of Champak.

:( Alas! My story did not win the competition! Someone else's story about a monkey did. :P

:( And the author's name did not even suggest it was written by someone my age! Not fair, my heart revolted! I was sad but it must have lasted ten minutes. :)



Thursday, April 22, 2010

Ye Lo

Dear Diary,
I got up late. Had a glass of water. Read a few papers. And there I was studying away to a good mood. But then I stopped. Like a zombie I roamed around the house. Like a zombie I sprawled on the bed staring at the nothingness above me. I finally got hungry. Feeling little happy about the hunger I went downstairs and had a sandwich. Came up and the zombieness continued. I bathed panther thinking he deserves a bath in this horrid summer heat. I thought something worthwhile, to remember the day by. And then I slept. Until disturbed by the workmen's plans to cut in a part of the wall and slash out some space for god knows which wires. I got up and I went downstairs to watch television—the dumbest thing on earth unless of course if FRIENDS or a similar show is  on. So then I watched some tv and here I am all ready to study. But I thought how about something to write. So though I admit it is in an effort to postpone the study routine that I am typing away this nonsense.
Ok..enough of lazing around. Study girl, study.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Lifting of the Writer's Block

Something is the matter with me. Otherwise why would I not write for so long? A feeling so unfamiliar would keep haunting me, fighting within me. Every time I would decide to write something I would be held back. Writer's block perhaps. This is an effort to lift the blockade.

Words are magical when inscribed. Their magic should never subside.

I write the most when emotions overpower me. I find solace in words and peace in venting. But I would not let the emotions flow..I would not let myself tread even near the gulf of desire and wanting. I am somewhere in between. Halfway to where I belong. But nothing should beat me, halt me, stop me.

Love to all
N


Saturday, March 27, 2010

LoVe


The feeling when your legs seem feather-weight, your heart seems to be lifted up with a hot air balloon, up and up and up it flies, light throughout; your lips mouth beautiful songs and your mind is at peace. When all of your good sense and conscience tell you it is right. It is right, oh so right. When no matter what others think you have your path all chalked out. Is that love? Or is it some delusional nonsense we rom-com lovers have been fed over years? That never really holds true in real life?

Sometimes I wonder if real love really exists. And how does it feel like. Does it make one feel fear-free? Does it remain all the time? A friend of mine who is in love for the past many years once told me that it ebbs and flows. I liked the expression but never really understood. I thought it to mean that a time comes when one feels deeply in love and then a time comes when one doesn't.. all this while being in love. The mystery of love is never-ending. And i shouldn't even dare attempt to solve. Life happens.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Law Fac Diary

My life at Law Fac.. reading a college mate's blog set my mind galloping about the corridors and classrooms, canteen and nescafe, offices and garden of my college and how I feel about studying here. I come from a college where I felt more out of place than let's say..had i been studying Journalism on Jupiter. Yeah. I never felt I belonged and I never invested. Period. The place was a bore for me and all I wanted was for my grad to get over!! The fake attitude of people around, the shallow banter, the stupid, I repeat, stupid hole of a canteen (hehe.. it should be aired on TV smday!!), the lack of any kind of intellectual stimulation, and of course the library of all libraries where one was not allowed to scroll through bookshelves..(i still have trouble believing that) where all books were stacked nicely albeit locked inside glass-pane..locked!! One couldn't even have the contentment of holding a book in the hand and go over a few passages before deciding to get it issued.. you only got to touch a book if you were to issue it. Policy bizarre. Needless to say, I never used my library card in three years. Not once. The idea of a locked library was akin to keeping those lovely books in confinement. To me all those books seemed to be shedding tears. And the teachers.. those who were good left mid-sem, those who remained flirted, those who flirted were definitely popular, and the non flirting non leaving teachers (read lady teachers) were simply bad at teaching! :P Ok, i know i am being too harsh... :P the staircase on which students used to sit was nice... the pigeon droppings that covered the ground made us feel one with nature. hehe.. ok it wasn't all that bad! The students who had 'fun' really had great fun and made friends for a lifetime. I just didn't belong.. i was a square peg to the round hole perhaps! 

So, when I entered law fac.. it had really good chance of making a good impression considering the past record of my grad college! I think of law fac fondly. Naturally. I don't care if our classes don't have air conditioning systems.. it has trees all around. The library is one of the best in the country, no really. And the Fac is in campus.. the core of student life in Delhi. The students have some intellectual level.. it is possible to have a sensible discussion.. there is a debate and seminar group, guests are regularly called in for lectures after college hours. Something I enjoy attending.. given that the topic interests me. 
There are many around us who crib about the infrastructure, the ever empty water tank, the decrepit and ancient canteen, the nescafe counter where there is the same boring and limited menu every day ( but i am thankful for it!), and how can i forget.. the so called 'crowd' which according to many isn't hep enough.. those things hardly bother me. I like the fact that there are so many people from different backgrounds and lifestyles.. there is a considerable student population which is not doing law just to take it up as a profession but also because they like studying it. I like this attitude.

When my classes began, I never spent any time with my classmates..I was busy at other places. In third semester also it was pretty much the same.. I had taken up intership at HC so i was busy there. I don't even remember the third sem except for the time spent in Court. But now things seem to have changed a little. I enjoy being with my friends. I try to discipline myself .. attending classes regularly..(ok, i skipped nearly whole of last month but i had reasons a plenty!) I spend time with friends.. I have begin to take out time to be with them..the neha who used to run to HC to work, has come out of the shell she had created around herself. I enjoy studying law.. specially constitutional law .. i always knew i would like it .. it has taken my fancy even more now. The teachers however, are a mixed bag.. some good some bad, some too bad! (we students never spare our teachers, do we?) But it is good. i don't have sky high expectations. Nescafe or Nirulas,.. or the roadside chai-wallah and maggie wala .. i like them all! :) geeee And the cherry on the cake was the recently concluded CLC Fest called Ichthus..a similar fest has never taken place in the Law Fac. The fest gave all a time to bond, party and groove to the music being played by bands which had come to perform. I was happy to see the change in me. I was happy to see me happy. I think I am bringing back the confidence I had lost in the last year.   

Anyway.. this was not what i came here for. It is about my attitude towards the law fac that has changed with time..and of course it took me nearly two years to develop that bond. 
I do feel I belong here.. cz i respect this place. The fact that it is Delhi Univ makes me feel good. It is so important to have an alma mater you are proud of :) and despite all its hooliganism and madness and babudom of the college administration.. i love the place and look forward to going tomorrow!




Night Out

I was in a 'lost' mood all evening..was just lost in thoughts and though i had made the plan for the night out (on the road in the car), but when we actually set out for the drive and dinner.. i was lost again..in my thoughts.. my usual fervour and banter all gone. I cud see didi trying to cheer me up.. and i was trying hard to get into the playful mode.. for her sake and mine. I could feel something was bogging me down. Some feeling unknown.. mystified..too deep for comprehension..it was not unfamiliar though. I want to break free from that what is keeping me down. I so wanna fly. All said and done..in the end.. i know what is happening and why..

I recommend Wok In the Clouds in Rajouri Garden and a little Breezer thereafter.. dropping in at friends's place is also not a bad idea given you have good music playing..:) we had all of these today.. and i tried to immerse in the music, the moment and the cheer..being out all night is the second best thing one can do all night long.... ;)

Will write in more later

Love ya

Me

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Women Reservation Bill: Lok Kiya Jaye?





Sometimes we come across issues and political debates where there are no rights and wrongs. There are only belief systems that people propound amidst the loud cacophony of conflicting interests, conventional thinking and  their own moral values. One such debate is about the Woman Reservation Bill (WRB) that was passed by the Rajya Sabha recently and is stated to be tabled in the Lok Sabha in the months to come. Like audience to a tennis match, I had been sitting across the court, my head swinging left-right-left-right to the various shots (and potshots) the pro and anti WRB lobby hit each other with and while doing so I realized that while all root for participation of women and their better engagement in Indian politics but different people (men and women alike) have different degrees to which they support this particular Bill.

While a few dismiss the bill at the very face of it, many are in support with it as long as certain changes are brought about to it. There is a lobby that seeks to have a sub-quota within the quota and there are many who support it just because they want to be seen as pro-women while some oppose it because they simply do not believe in the philosophy of  reservation whether for women, for scheduled castes, scheduled tribes or other backward classes. 

Pacifists like me are mostly optimist as far as reservation is concerned. We see what we would like to see. They tell us reservation is a solution and we look at it hopefully, with susurrations of parity, equality, social equity and political voice to all ringing in our ears. We haven't really felt the change so far, whatever change that has been has clearly not trickled down to the underprivileged masses. Not yet. But because we want the change so bad, we presume that there has been. It is akin to saying that because we want protection we take for granted the existence of God. It sounds acceptable in the context of the Almighty but does it work in this society? I would like to see some report on reservation. An analysis with some statistics pertaining how, when and where exactly reservation worked, which community benefited, how long would they be needing it and when should it be lifted for that particular class/caste/group. An assessment to see how far reservation has helped and in which areas, whether that of education, employment, legislature, judiciary, whether it worked well and where it is proving to bring more disparity than equity, is long overdue. It will not only be an eye-opening exercise but will also lead to a better planning for such endeavors in future. 


Reservation, from the time it was inserted into the Constitution, was not meant as a gift neither was it a charity for any community. It was a method by which the caste-ridden society like ours was to crawl out from beneath the legacy of the oppressive caste system. Whereby under-represented and marginalized groups were to be given opportunities on a quota basis keeping in mind that the same were denied to these groups for all these years in many spheres like employment, education, legislature etc. Those were the basics. How far have we reached? My research on the topic lead me to a report  on Impact of Reservation Policy in Higher Education in India by the Tata Institute of Social Sciences (TISS). Why don't we have more of these? And if we do why don't we have them circulated massively?

Coming back to the Woman Reservation Bill, one finds that though the idea of larger representation of woman  is much coveted by all (including men) but the higher up you move in the echelons of academicia and experts on Indian politics and society, the less celebratory the tone becomes. This is because though the end is desirable, there are many aspersions clouding the means.

The system of rotation, it is feared, would do more harm than good to any constituency. It will give less incentive and motivation for an MP to bring about better facilities to his constituency. He will serve not those for whom he has worked. Seems like a lose-lose situation. The question as to whether there should be a sub-quota within a quota is also an interesting one and makes sense to me. Besides, if the underlying purpose of WRB is to increase the number of women lawmakers in the country, which is at present close to a dismal 10 per cent even after 63 years of Independence, then why not make a law thereby making it compulsory for political parties to have an intra-party quota for fielding women candidates? There is hardly any democracy within any of the major national political parties. Corruption, greed and self-interest are the deciding factors as to who will lead the party, it is even more blatant when these parties distribute tickets at the time of elections. The answer to this is that our society is such that it becomes nearly impossible for women candidates to win elections against dominant male candidates. Is there any study supporting this particular argument? I would like to read. And even though I am a woman, this counter argument sounds like the cry of a bad loser to me. But keeping in mind the holistics of the whole debate would I decide to do without the Bill all together? I would say no. A helpless but incontrovertible no. That's the dilemma shrouding this Bill, it makes it tough to take a firm stand, wheresoever one may be sitting.

The WRB is not being lauded in its essence it is being seen as a precursor to what is sought after and in that we say our cheers. The Bill shows us a metaphorical tunnel at the other end of which lies a (wishful?) end to discrimination, infanticide, female foeticide, dowry deaths, oppression of women and their ultimate empowerment. And thus, we cheer for it. However, difficult questions are a plenty, and many an eyebrows have been raised and rightly so. The Women Reservation Bill comes with an asterisk -- the real deal we are yet to know. Till then, don't touch that remote!

Sunday, February 28, 2010

yak yak yak

The faces we see on facebook.. it is an illusion, isnt it? Behind those smiles sometimes there is so much pain, behind that pain there are so many stories.. some stories we see, some stories we hear and some we live. The ones we live we consider the toughest. I know all that crap about being happy.. about not being a worrier, about seeing the brighter side and about their being a God. But for once i dont care and i dont want those damn motivational quotes. Yea they are true and yea they mean no harm. But for one second let it rain tears..for my story. Hua kuch nahi hai.. hua kuch bhi to nahi hai..tab bhi aankhein nam hai.. dil kehta hai kuch to hai jo sahi nahi hai..all that happens in all lives right.. koi badi gal ni hai.. main to anyway choti si gal hu :p
I know that ultimately all happens for the best. Bad patches of life lead us to the good ones.. if we dont know sadness we wont know whats being happy  I know i know i know..encouraging quotes.com.. But presently i am living in the moment... sad hu to kya hua.. sad hi to hu
vaise ab theek ho rahi hu :)