It so happens..

Valentines' tomorrow and how i want it to swoosh past me without as much as a ting-a-ling sound! Not that I store a great deal by it now. But it does rub some wires around the strings of our hearts and whoa, I would wanna do without that particular itch. But its fun also! It kinda teases one, dunnit? Wanting one to sit up and do something one's bland love life.. the absence or the near suspension of it! :D but then what makes me so happy..na its not happyness per se.. it's js that I am hopeful of times to come. and I am kinda fine right now. I love to see me like I am right now.. independent, fun, happy, hopeful and all those beautiful things I always have had .. all those romantic ideas sit pretty somewhere.. and im not in a hurry .. which makes me feel im sitting on a love-mine! :) This is so not like me! ME- the ever achy, ever effervescent, ever flaky, ever impatient, ever in love -Moi. Guess, I am on path to growing up, yup.

I am quite interestingly reading a lot of books these days : here's the list..

1. Second Sex - yea, again

2. Lady Chatterley's Lover: Started it again.. wanted to know what the katzenjammer was all about'

3. Les Miserables: its vanished or something from my car. THIS is wat i really really wish to read and finish now.

4. R.K. Narayan's collection

5. Gabriel Garcia Marquez: Short Story Collection  (Thank You Navin!)

6. Far from the Maddening Crowd: (still struggling with it)

So, i keep picking one of these up..from car, from my room, from my other room, from the bathroom and so on..

Love Story is on on television and err.. the sad part is about to begin. So.. since I do not want to start crying..(this book n movie do that to me EVERYTIME) I am gonna switch channels and I am gonna do some work. :) tk cr dear blog.. 

little panther

Love you panther and miss you a lot.. every night i nearly call out to you asking you to go get your leash so we could go out together..i hate it when anyone still lets the main gate remain open... i nearly end up choking myself when that happens. but you know panther, you still make me smile my love.. after all the crying is done, i end up smiling miraculously.. on one of your mischiefs of tantrums.. and your innate ability to make me love you endlessly. I can't believe sometimes what i have lost. But then, when you were here i could not believe what i really had. the enormous joy of having you around and the enormous grief of losing you.. i really can't say which one weighs more. certainly the former. i want it to be the former. i only wish i could hug you at moments like these. just that one grant. you're my little one.

In train (dated 24.01.11)

Heya.. Im sitting here on d top berth of rajdhani express wid my book
.. Wantd to check if one can sms from the train..in the middle of
nowhere from somewhere in uttar pradesh :)

Something is missing from me these past few days.. I dont even know if
i am missing something concrete or abstract. I have been reading this
other book by Elizabeth Gilbert. Its good, its interesting,
borderlines on being an irritating research book but she makes some
very valid points on love, marriage and commitment .. the book is
called 'Committed-a love story'. Im near around about to finish it.
The other book i got here with me for the trip is Victor Hugo's Les
Miserables.. Its a political satire, im sure im gonna enjoyyy.

Umm....i got soooo much to write.. But i dont want to make all
public.. Hehe.. And therein u get wat d biggest drawback of blogging
is about. :) i hope this post gets publishd.

And wil keep writing! Xoxoxox

err...

Hi

 

I am still in Dubai.. i miss my people (all of u!), my home (yeaa i do miss it), my routine (but thats what i wanted to chuck in the first place).. i think of many people here.. and fondly so..and make plans what i am gonna do when i meet them and the baggage full of gifts for everyone that I am bringing home with me.. :D i have been quite chor too.. each time i would see smthing irresistable and would wanna buy for meself, my alter ego would look at me questioningly "ok, thats for u, and so what are u gonna buy for so & so?" ( background sound: intermittent foot tapping)..so i would end up buying two of those.. and then when i would see smthing else that is irrestible and i decide thats for so & so .. i would end up buying two of that thing too cz well.. its irresistable to me too, isnt it? hehe.. in time i have learnt to dodge such temptations.. i simply buy a lot of stuff for a lot of people. AND to top it all.. tomorrow i have kept exclusively for shopping! I mean! I am enjoying the ordeal here.. may be because i dont need to shop here!

 

You know i had neevr dreamed of or never much wanted a life full of such utopian relaxation and fun.. i have always enjoyed working.. or moving towards smthing.. this break is something that can really really be called a brakeeee-- a shift from my routine.. a stark contrast to the other neha and yet a dollop of her old self everynow and then. <3

 

You see, here all i do is make tea or read and write. Otherwise, i only look good, go for outings, meet a few new people and eat and lie down back at home and take it slow and easy. I mean, thats all i do! get up, get dressed up, go out, enjoy the sunsets, enjoy the drives,.. enjoy the sea..and make tea for everyone. tadaaannnnnnn..thats neha these days. and its gud fun.. also bcz i have nothing to do here. Hardly anyone calls.. since i do not carry a cell phone.. (again, what a relief) .. i wish i could go to the beach daily though. :P gurls never get satisfied do they? I did not even bring my laptop..i can say this holiday like the most natural flavoured icecream ever.

 

I know im going back to del in a few days and i know im gonna be sucked into the daily routine and before I'd know it i would have devised a cruel plan for myself.. the great escape route. but why think of that now? keep afloat.

 

I must tell u i had a bit of vodka tnight. I took such small quantity that it actually shameful.. but i enjoyed the canada dry i had it with. <3

 

I miss my kittens a lot.. they have grown up somewhat... when i go home im gonna hold them and hold them and never let them goooooo! 

 

once home im again leaving delhi for a week.. and i cant get enough of travelling right now.. its phunnn 

 

actually i have nothing much to write tonight except that i dont feel sleepy at all.. and though i am yawning every now and then i dont want to drag myself to the bed and slip inside the blanket right now...

 

today we went to ski dubai.. i froze inside..no, really. The temp there was in minus..and thr was snow all arnd.. i felt so cccold...and.. it was amazing how in a desert country like UAE they have managed to keep an entire building freezing.. i actually saw some stalactites and stalagmites :P. Talk of refrigerators! My lips went numb and my nose turned pink and of course i could not tell my feet from my hands.. it was THAT bloody cold..i had trouble talking at times when we reached greater heights. ggggggrrrjrhhh.. i wwwwont go there everrr again! though must say it was freeeezin' fun!

 

While roaming around in the snow park, I wished to be with someone.. to have someone's warm hands in mine.. or better still to warm hands with someone in that white white white jungle of snow and a few conferous trees. You know, i do get senti when i see utter beauty or utter comfort..or in this case utter romantic setting.. i feel like deferring the moment.. for times in future.. as if we humans have a limited number of good days left for us.. and i want all my good days later..later.. later! And yea.. i become quiet at times like these.. for I know not what lies ahead.. perhaps i have already used up my good days? what then? why am i here then? :) naah.. i haven't lost my marbles.. js sayin.

 

sometimes i see people around me so casually giving away what they have..without realising what they have it,.. sometimes i see them cribbing even when they have the biggest joy on earth.. and then i see me..wearing one of those sad caps wearing gum boots and gloves in an urban antarctica surmising, dreaming, aching for the invisible. And it is at times like these and take a mental u-turn and restart the counting. But we are who we are.. we are humans born with this innate desire to dream and curse to pine..and we keep on doing that..:) no one's lesser of a mortal here. AND it is at times like these that i like human beings for being human.

 

We should always count our blessings.

a red couch

a RED couch

these nights

Sigmund Freud said that dreams illustrate the logic of the unconscious mind. So if one wanted to reach, understand or analyse one's unconscious mind, dreams could be a "royal road". For many days now I am experiencing the most bizarre and impossible dreams. I have always been a heavy sleeper... once asleep I usually do not wake up in the middle of the night unless im sick... and so my dreams I guess are very very powerful and stay with me throughout the day. I know that 10 minutes of conscious sleep could transform into days in a dream, but what i am concerned is something else. I have always loosely interpreted my dreams as some internal longing or stress. But these days even though I am in one of the most relaxing vacations of my life, I dream of moments unanswerable, of people I hardly know now.. or once knew and of people who are no more alive. This shouldn't disturb me of course.. but the intensity and frequency is something that's befuddling me. A few days back I dreamt of a friend in school who is no more, the next day it was a long forgotten acquaintance from the school bus, yesterday and day before also it was the same. People i haven't thought of or considered important, i keep seeing them in my dreams.. last night know who i dreamed of? And this was not someone personally familiar to me ofcrs. It was Ajmal Kasab being taken to the gallows in bus.. strange but ajmal asab changed into a woman in the middle of the dream and was actively participating in the arrangements of his death.. there was a bus full of people, including me, who were going in the same bus.. and it could be that we would also die. And so we kept on travelling..and kept on travelling..we reached a place where there was not a soul to be seen but barren land and gallows. Kasab, who was by now a woman.. (secretly i was also unsure if this was really the female kasab), his/her cellphone kept ringing.. and he wasn't afraid of anyone but the tall military guys.. the short one's she was even friendly with.. what happened next i don't know.. it was a funny cruel dream to say the least. But why were the other people in the bus, those who i had forgotten in my conscious mind? I dont think about these people, i left them in school or my earlier neighbourhood and never paid much attention. I know, i am going no where with this weird post.. but its funny.. how i keep meeting these people everynight in dream who i never think of when awake or haven't thought of for months on end. Its like my dreams got a memory of their own.

the moment

These days i feel that the moment a person decides to take his life.. each time he does that is, in a peculiar way, a moment of truth and the peak of knowledge. Every other moment is a nicety we keep feeding our heart and soul.

sigh

love you panther..im missing you so much tday.. i keep telling me you are at home and i will see you when i return..and you will jump and welcome me.. bt i know you wont.. why did this happen.. i cant js go on my baby.. i miss you yar..:'( why do sad things keep happening to me.. i know it is a silly thought.. but i dont care right now... i want you back..im ready to be stubborn about it.. i dont care if i am unreasonable.. and i dont care if what i ask for is impossible.. i want to still ask for you to be returned.. i wish it was all a bad dream.. the last month and when i go back home you'd be there.. i had thought going away would make me better.. for a few days yes, i got busy.. bt i miss you..i miss our walks and every little thing you did.. i miss giving you your meals and nagging you to eat properly.. i miss taking you around in car... I am at a stage where smthing very very sad has happened.. already happened.. and nothing I can do .. nothing at all.. but sigh and miss..  

 

Why do these things happen yar.. why cant we just have people we know for always.. why not js be happy and content with what and who we have.. i know yar..im talking gibberish.. bt thats what i feel like doing.. blabber.

Day 4: of dubai, bbq, the beach and me

Dear Diary,

Hi :) Missed writing ya.. im fine here.. its a lot of laid-back fun and relaxation unlike perhaps every before.. we sleep late, get up even later and then go for some sightseeing. I don't have my cellphone here.. and I like it that way. No phone to carry or worry about who messaged or called and who all I need to call back. Its nice.. this break. The only contact I have is through fb.. heh..lame i know.. but that's it.. after a long time i am enjoying talking to lotsa people.. being there.. my old self.. happy and care free.

As for Panther, I miss him a lot.. there's this little porcelain labrador here at my sister's place.. complete with a leash and collar.. it is sooo beautiful and realistic that one feels like petting him .. it feels it wil bark and wag his tail any moment! When panther had passed away we had decided we will plant a tree sapling there where we laid him.. i am waiting to reach delhi soon and plant a fruit bearing tree. I cannot wait to do that for him. I love you baby.. i keep wishing.. i keep wishing in vain that you'll be back.. but i see ur pics on my cell and you end up making me smile that you were with me for so long.. having you more would be like being greedy it seems. You're too good..

As for Dubai.. its a great city.. its sometimes like India the way we would want it to be, albeit the stringent rules and lack of democracy.. but may be that is important if you want things to work systematically for a larger populace..ofcourse what I say sounds ridiculous to me.. but i have begun to think how would a nation be with a consciencious state of governance sans democracy. There is a considerable Indian and Pakistani crowd here.. so you don't feel stranded or alone. Two days back we had gone to Al Ain, another emirate. There we reached Green Mubazarrah which is a mountainous region with greenery all around the valley and also the most picturisque rocky mountains. There was a breathtaking view all around .. as the sun came down the glistening lights made me feel i was looking at the spectacular surface of earth from somewhere in space.

Thereafter we descended from the hills and came down to green region where there were so many groups of people bunking in camps and also barbequing. We were a group o 12-13 people..one of us, Abdul is great with bbq..he arranged for bbq material and the veggies. We spread out mats and used my sisters picnic bag which is the most interesting little package of anything and everything u'd need on a picnic! Sexy glasses, cutlery, mat, salt and pepper shakes.. i mean u name it the bag has it. I helped make paneer tikka.. we also roasted mushrooms, baby corn, corncobs, potato, capsicum, tomato etc all sliced and 'seekhed' and sprinkled with salt pepper and lemon all by ourselves.. it tasted yum. There was also a hot water spring nearby from which a brooke flowed and we sat with out feet dipped.. it was lovely.. natural pedicure.. they say the water is therapeutic.. I dont know about that. When you sit on the mat, near the bbq.. flanked by gigantic mountaines and rocks nearby.. with green pasture stretching till your eye looses its vision.. you feel you wanna be alone as much as you feel you wanna be with somebody! I roamed around a lot.. helped barbeque.. i loved doing that and i planned how i could do the same at home sometime..may be on our roof top i can.

The next day we went for shopping but didn't do much of that.. watched a movie and then had lunch. On our way back we went for car wash..which is a nice experience since we kept sitting inside the car.. i was wondering how many cute things two lovers cud do inside the car.. as the car gets brushed, washed and polished by huge sprinklers, foam, scrub and brush ;)

Thereafter, we pulled up the car near the open seas.. it was way past midnight and quite chilly by now... As it often happens... i grew sentimental near the beach... the waves, the rocks, the wet sands and the footprints seemed to have a life of their own..and i kept watching.. wanting to hold the beauty .. capture it in my eyes.. embracing it.. but as happens with most beautiful things in life.. you can't actually do that.. and even if you may hold them for once, you can't hold them forever.. those feelings, emotions and love.. its free.. and therein lies the beauty. It would vanish in my embrace, it would evaporate if i try to reach out to it.. one needs to stand still.. and wait for it come to you.. have you felt that ever? Has anyone?

:) aaah.. i so wish to write more.. more about such abstract feelings.. it makes me feel like me. But i defer doing this.. cz im afraid of the flow.. im afraid of myself at times and what I may let out and what I may behold.

Will post pics in some time..i wish i could go on typing all night..:)

love and peace,
neha

Day 2 Morning :)

Heylo again! Its morning of Day 2 and so much fun. Sister is busy looking about the house and jiaji is sitting nearby .. telly is on and we're having a nice time lazing around...i love the view from her balcony .. its cornish outside.. much like the scenic beauty from up above some building at nariman point in mumbai.. the sea looks beautiful and if i look straight down there's a smooth sexy trail of cars running at exact distance from others and in straight lanes and at such high speed. I am at the 24th floor of this building.. the first 9 floors excluded ..those are for parking.. so in a way i am on the 33rd floor.. :)  I am gonna go down to the beach as soon as i can..

Yesterday as i got off the plane.. a lady awaited me with a placard bearing my name and welcomed me.. unlike other passengers who had to walk a mile and wait at a hundred different queues.. (!) the lady offered me a ride on an open car .. we first went for eye scanning where I was given first preference evn though there was a LONG queue .. i could feel my skin burning :P those people must have been cursing me.. and thence she took me for other formalities where also each time i would actually skip the whole routine and everyone would give me preference. I so totally felt like a film star. I was sure i was bring cursed by those standing in line for hours.. but well.. i stil had my luggage with me when a tall nice Pakistani looking guy walked upto me and offered to walk my luggage for me.. :) now i had TWO chaperons. hehe.. then we went for baggage claim, i got my other baggage.. i had nothing to do except hold my jacket as everything was being taken care of. I lyk i lyk. Then they lead me to meet my sis and jiaji who were waiting at the other end and whoaaaa.. we reached the car and came straight back home! huha.. ok now that was Marhaba Service for me! that Jiaji had booked.. whereby Neha is treated like a filmstar :D lovely service!

My sis had already prepared my favourite dinner comprising the quintenssential Rajma Rice and Matar Paneer etc.. it was amazing to see her so deft at household chores.. i was impressed. :D Near about 10.30 we hurried to the Safeer Mall.. i was in my tracks only.. too lazy to change.. and we bought groceries and stuff.. we hurried cz the mall was stated to close at 11pm. The roads here are sexy smooth and everything's organised .. as for me.. i was amazed to see how my sis scuttled from one part of the mall to 'another checking scrutinising weighing and buying veggies! hehe,.. even the ones like methi and ghiya which we used to scoff at when young! She is so concerned about eating healthy now! A nice happy change! I was so tired by that time with all my travelling that we didn't hang around much and drove back home.

Today morning I woke up in my room (they christened the room 'neha ka kamra') and i have taken to it as if i was always living here.. It has a sexy balcony..balcony ke aage samandar, samandar ke aage aurrrr samandar.. Mr. India types. Today we are going to a birthday party, i have also been invited. So would be nice meeting people..:)

I sooo wanna go to the beach soooon.:) and now time to get ready! ciao!

neha

Dubai Ahoy

Hiya Diary,

 

Reached Dubai..feels great to be at my sisters place.. feels great to see her handle her household and man.. sooooooooo well.. i could learn a great deal here! :) I had a great time in the flight as well and the joy of being alone, by myself...

 

will post more later

 

xoxoxoxo

Miss u buddy

lv u panther.. miss u baby.. its the first day of the new year.. i miss u.. i miss u a lot

Final Statement: Dr. Binayak Sen

I remember having written about Dr. Binayak Sen in May 2009 on my other blog. He had just been released from prison after 2 years on charges of sedition etc under the Chhattisgarh Public Security Act 2005 and Unlawful Activities (Prevention) Act 1967. His bail had come as a good news.

An year an a half down the line - Dr. Sen gets a life time sentence by a trial court in Chhattisgarh. Though everyone is sure the appeal would overturn the said decision but still it smacks injustice and is such disgrace. Though the news is stale, but I just read his final statement. If interested you can find it here: http://www.binayaksen.net/2010/12/final-statement-of-dr-binayak-sen/ . Also read: http://www.binayaksen.net/2010/12/shiv-viswanathan’s-letter-to-the-pm/

I have many questions in my mind. But more, later.

Jimmy

Back when Jimmy left me, and I used to be this little 12-13 year old girl. It was the night of 14th December. I had my Math exam tomorrow so my eldest sister was helping me out with sums the night before when suddenly the lights went out. Mum came upstairs to my room where my sis was teaching me and lit a candles and all so that I could study. She told me not to come downstairs and to sleep on time. I was so scared of the Math exam that I didn't pay much notice to the blackout. Jimmy had been ill for more than a month now and though he didn't walk much but I was so young that the thought of him leaving me never occurred to me. To me he was there and was always gonna be there.. just like perhaps we are okay with our grandparents being on the bed most of the time. In a while lights came back and I saw my other sister get inside her blanket, with her head also inside it and shiver.. as if she was crying. I thought to myself she must be feeling cold or sad or something. No time to think, it was Math exam the next day.

I went to school, took the exam and when I came back all my family was at home. Mum fussed over my food a little. I could not see Jimmy around but that was normal since it was winters so we used to take him to the roof top so he could get warm under the sun. I asked about him and as I did, Ma told me in an almost apologetic tone as if I was to pardon something bad that had happened under her care. She said, "munna, wo nahi hai.." (Swts, he is not there).. the words did not reach the sane corners of my mind. Without a word and with a constant and quiet chant of "no no".. I ran to the roof top to find him. A thousand thoughts and feelings collided in my little heart under the scion of disbelief. I checked the roof but he was not there nor was his bedding. Teary eyed and shocked, I checked the bathrooms but of course he was not there. My sis came to take me downstairs and I could not believe that Jimmy was nowhere. They said it happened last night. It had happened the moment the power cut happened. My mom thought not to tell me then, as I had an exam and she knew how attached I was to him. So they sent me to school and decided to break it upon my return. My sister was not shivering under the blanket but crying the last night..and the lights had gone out at that precise moment he departed. They had then taken him away and never told me clearly about where he was buried. I never asked a lot. Took me many days to be fine. I hated those winter rains.. and I cried in them cz that meant he was out there somewhere and getting wet. 

For months afterwards I used to scrawl Jimmy's name in my Diary..I was a regular diary writer and I used to keep mentioning it to him and assuring him that I have not and will not forget him ever. All my diary entries used to mention him at the end and I had this whole sheet of paper on which there was nothing but his name written again and again and again thousands of time both sides of the sheet. I saved his collar and a little toy frog he loved to annoy himself with. I have those with me still.

Jimmy was already a grownup little doggy when he came to me.. he spent last two years with us here..and with his jolly nature and harmless ways he easily made friends. With Panther's arrival 6 months later, I did forget Jimmy’s loss, but always remembered his death date. This year I forgot to remember him on that date. It made me feel horrible. I had just lost Panther. And I felt one day I will forget him also.. and its not something I want to happen.. 

But I know life will eventually go on. It always does. And the most important things are not to be remembered or repeated.. there are no days assigned for them in the calender.. but there is and there should be space assigned for them in the heart.

I don't know why his thought came to my mind. It was a reality I had long overcome. Long long back. Ten years is a big time when you are going on from 13 to 23. But I love that little girl and her white little Jimmy. And I will always do. The need to reassure, after all, is not his, but mine.

Missing u so much little friend. So much. When i look arnd i sense smthing amiss.. D most profound happiness u gave me for so many years.. Without as much as the realisation of wat we had.. The loss is so big. I wish u were here.. I wud hv secured u under ur blanket in this cold weather and made sure u were warm and cosy.. I wud hv allowd u on my bed! U lvd to sleep on d bed na? U look so cute always..
Maxi is well.. I hv made her wear ur old dress (the check one)..and i feed her. I knw u used to get possessive about me wen it came to her.. Bt its ok na? She is my only connection wid u..wen i pat her or play wid her she behaves so lovingly and so gratefully..i feel i touched u .. And she loves u too..remember how she used to fight dogs double her size to protect you? She continues to come at morning and night to meet u.. Her usual time..
Today, i went there.. I didnt know wat to say to that patch of earth... I cud only mumble 'lv u'..kept looking at the bundle of dry leaves there.. and then I ran out of d compound. Did u knw i ws there? Did u?
I wish ppl who leave us leave us wid an address where we cud write to them..i hv this blog..its nonsense.. Bt so is everythin else..When i write to you, i dont want to stop..i want to go on and on and i dread that i will have to stop ofcourse. My ears ache for u.. My eyes ache to see u prancing about wid leash in ur mouth.. Asking me and only me to take u out.. We had fun na? We did, buddy..so much. And all dat is there.. I wont let it go from me ... I wont let u fade.. Ur pictures talk .. Dat neha in d pic was so lucky.. This neha envies her completely..
Wat happened yaar?? Why?? I miss u.. Thats all my dear dear baby.. Js be in peace.. No pain and no suffering now.. That's my only solace. I love u..and dont u think i will ever forget u. Really.. Pomis.
Lv u.. I knw u wont read.. Bt i wish u get my msg

Across the Universe- The Beatles

This is perhaps the best song ever written..


John Lennon's masterpiece: Across the Universe


Words are flowing out like 
endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass, 
they slip away across the universe.
Pools of sorrow waves of joy 
are drifting through my opened mind,
Possessing and caressing me.

Jai Guru De Va Om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Images of broken light 
which dance before me like a million eyes, 
They call me on and on across the universe, 
Thoughts meander like a restless wind
Inside a letter box they
Tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe

Jai Guru De Va Om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Sounds of laughter 
shades of life are ringing
Through my open ears 
inciting and inviting me. 
Limitless undying love 
which shines around me like a million suns,
And calls me on and on across the universe

Jai Guru De Va Om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Jai Guru De Va
Jai Guru De Va
Jai Guru De Va
Jai Guru De Va

missed u a lot today

Missing you a lot.. cz i am home without you being here.. had i known it would be your last few months, i would have left all work and everything and only been with you.. taken u for car rides which you SOO loved.. honey, i  too loved to drive you around... it was always fun seeing you happy..as i rolled down the window your ears would flap against the wind and your tongue would hang out more than usual :) making u happy made me happy.. simple, it was so simple..

xoxoxox

Such posts never have a name

I am in a dangerously excited mood right now. Its hard to tell if it is the result of deep sadness, stagnated grief or pent up emotions about things beyond my control. It could very well be none of the above. I want to do some serious damage to my 'gud girl' image soon. Ok.. don't get stirred just yet, i just mean in terms of 'freedom'..earlier while i craved for geographical freedom.. wanting to break the bounds of region -- going someplace new to me and a place i would be new too... packing bags at a whim and going someplace by train and getting down at whim.. there was of course no fear of security in my 'want'.. plain hitchhiking sorta exploration of India.. unlike a tourist, more of a gypsy kinda freedom. Needless to say, never happened! Not alone anyway..

Today I feel different, today I wanna challenge the bounds of convention. I have no idea why all my plans involve night, roads and breezer. But they do. My silly notions of secure getaways even include my car and some fun person by my side..oh yea.. goooood music too. I am so boring that sometimes it feels how lame it must sound to those who party all night and get their hair down everyday.. but I don't subscribe to that kinda fun. It would be boring and obvious and compared to that i am better off at home. But I do crave for nightouts..in car.. on road..with streetlights, wet turf and some fear.

I want to get lots of cranberry and jamaican breezer (the most lallu alcoholic beverage ever and the only one i really like) in the boot of my car.. also get some warm delicious pizza..something non dominoes and non pizza hut type.. i would like some lallu pizza from a stall..it retains its taste for longer.. and then i wanna plug in nice easy music .. and then i wanna hit it.. within delhi.. on its roads.. all those roads which look so rabid in the day time transform into a race car track.. no i dont wanna speed unnecessarily.. but i wanna zoom along the music. You know what? Who am i kidding with this meticulous planning? Only a partner, a night and a road would also do.

And then i wanna drive upto someplace I like.. and sit and relax.. open up a breezer and gulp while feeling good in my lallu notion of freedom...laughing, carefree and free. Is it really freedom! Nah.. actually its about flirting with what's not allowed to me... caressing a night and doing something my type yet non conformist. People do such stuff all the time I hear.. my friends party at the drop of a hat at places I haven't even heard about and sometimes I do feel I am missing out on a lot...nah.. not that I want to go where they do.. its not my calling.. But, I am missing out on my kinda fun at my kinda places in my kinda ways.. which however harmless..could make me feel like a daredevil in my own right.. And who doesn't like playing with fire?

I don't think all this is ever gonna happen. Sigh.

Panther & Maxie

Panther Maxie flirting talking :)

Panther Good Boy Part II

This when there are no directional glitches but panther cant find the ball!

Panther .. good boy Panther

Behind the scenes .. panther and film making.. i loved the moment when he would emerge again with the ball in his mouth ..running to me

Panther and his toys

Panther and his antics.. i wish those times could come back .. love him..

Cell phone camera quality aint that good..

Panther and black socks

Come winters and he and i would camp on the the rooftop under the sun.. he must have been very young then

Panther walking on the (erstwhile) rooftop

He is total nautanki

Panther (featuring stuffboy)

Ok, it worked.. it his magic.. that though i was tearful, he made me laugh.. :) my little cutie baby

This is my first attempt to upload a video.. i am not sure if i am doing it right. Lets see..

Love you panther.. miss u every moment.. hv to remind me you are not there.. morning walks are not there.. ur naughty games are not there and the nightly strolls are over. really over are they? we are never gonna go for a walk panther? will i never see you again? ever? how can that be panther? wont you come running with the ball in your mouth? wont you jump and woof for the choostick and bisky? how can it be over.. how .. what all happened? how can it be.. a month back it was all fine.. i had hope..i really thought it would be ok..  was able to suppress the fears..but now.. what is left.. your collar remains and so do your belongings.. what do i do?..wont you be back? is this not a nightmare..why dont you just come back to me.. i miss you a lot.. i'd go any distance to see you and touch you once.. my mind wanders in your memories .. and if i don't bring it back to the reality, i concoct lies..that you have gone for a little while.. like you once did when so young.. the fact of your permanent absence hadn't hit me so strongly till now. You will never be there panther? You are always there.. you know everything..how can it be.. how can it be.. ya kya ho gya..:( you are a small child.. really small.. you are little baby who i had to take care of.. what will i do now.. what will happen? my head is crashing and floating...

Your pics always make me smile..

Panther- a month old

The years thereafter:

  

miss you so much

Panther baby,

I can't believe you're gone..the roads look so empty without your jovial walk.. everything seems so bland and purposeless. I don't feel like coming back to a silent home where no tail wags for me and no one asks me for long walks. I miss you my darling.. and i miss you beyond words can express..

I love you like I would ever love my own child. You ARE my child.. i can't accept that I only got to keep you for these ten years..i know baby you didn't wanna leave me too.. i saw it in your beautiful eyes.. the wish to live more. when you breathed it looked like you wanted to breathe in life .. as quickly and as much as you could.. i love you for keeping up a gud fight.. i love you so much chotu baby

I am glad I was with you day in and day out.. it gives me peace that I gave you all treatment that could be given. I sometimes had to trick you into taking so many bitter medicines...which led you not to trust me.. but I had to do that baby..i never never meant to make you not trust me..i never used to even say i would take you for a walk when i knew i couldn't.. i so loved when you would not wanna go with anyone but me for ghumi ghumi..

Those times in the park when you and I used to be roaming around..and I would take off your collar and run ahead off you... you would let me go a bit farther but then you'd look up in search of me and come galloping by my side... i loved that you looked up for me. And then when maxie you and i went for our strolls.. how you loved to run with her and we all raced along.. and how maxie always protected you from other dogs..and you the way you longed for her companionship

I miss you panthery..

I have so much to say to you.. i sit at all places you wud usually sit and i talk to the floor .. i behave as if you are still there.. I don't want to move ahead in time.. my heart struggles against the flow of time.. so that you don't have to become a memory.. so that i continue to feel your presence ..that if I keep saying all that I used to say to you every day -- even to empty walls and floor -- i would be able to keep a part of u alive.. i know i will fail in time.. but i never wanna forget anything we ever did together sweetheart.. you would never know how much i loved you..

I will keep writing to you..like i used to talk to you when you'd rest your face in my lap. Sweetie i am there.. and i know you are there.. bas tu khana kha lena yar..ab bohot ho gaya bina khaaye.. just eat eat and eat and i will be happy knowing that you are not hungry ever ..

After you left, everyone cried so much.. and somewhere inside i felt happy that you got so much love from everyone.. people who have never even met you prayed for you baby.. and they all love you so much. Papa, Mummy, Shilpa, Gu di .. all of us are heartbroken.. bt I try to look strong to them.. cz then they worry about me. 

But we don't want that na? You are with me na? Thank god we didn't take you far away.. I can go anytime and pay you a visit.. so you will never feel alone little one.. you will never be without me..i never thought of my life without yours.. but i guess now i will have to talk to me when i wanna talk to you.. but im there.. dont ever fear..i know you don't like to be alone.. i am always always always with my chota sa .. chota sa pyara sa bacha

muahhh dogu

urs, me

mood

'Mood' is a luxury these days. Meant for those who can afford to 'have' it or 'not have' it. I find myself bitter right now. As if some godawful pill has been thrust inside my mouth and pushed down my throat leaving an acrid taste on the tongue and insides of teeth.

But then I topple and I get up...and I see around. I drink some water of calm and see things afresh. I realise its all part of the deal and then I carry on. I am happy I am not on stage, I am happy to be the protagonist of my own story and still be behind the scenes. 

What is my story? What is the story of my life? Would like to answer that in detail sometime without sounding too dramatic. Nothing special about my life .. other than the people I know. They are all special for sure.

I am writing just for writings sake.. the only other thing that gives me this feeling of control is when I am behind the wheels and the road is smooth... when i maneuver my car ..zipzapping it from behind and waving slower cars a suave goodbye. Being a smooth smart skillful driver makes me feel I am my boss.. and makes me feel better. It mostly takes care of sullen moods.  

Coming back to 'mood'.. it really is a luxury. And sometimes it is all a lot of gibberish.