Saturday, February 28, 2009
When Law meets Psychology
Friday, February 27, 2009
Hope Dog
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Papa
It hit me when i read Gone With The Wind for the first time. It was Rhett's love for his daughter Bonnie which had millions of readers turn into his fans. I read almost whole of the latter half of the book at a go during my school days. It's something i love to recall.. i laughed and i cried with it and i dreaded that it would come to an end. By the time dawn broke, i was hopelessly in love with the book for reasons more than this post can encompass. One of those reasons i am writing about today.
I have always found it very sweet when men shower their little daughters with bountiful affection and listen to their blabber with utmost attention as if profound words were being spoken. Whenever i watch a man playing around innocently with his daughter or taking her in his arms for a walk, i feel it is a scene straight from heaven. [You can say i am a little gender biased here that it has to be a daughter..but that's MY fantasy you see..it has to be jusst perfect ;)]
Coming back to the point now. I started this post to pour out here things i feel or have felt for my father..i call him 'Papa' like most people my age. He is a businessman and like all businessmen he has lots of stuff in his "to-do" list everyday. While growing up I didn't like the fact that it took him considerable time or help from my mother to tell which standard I was studying in. The task of getting me and my sis ready for school and then to drop us off to the bus stop was always my mother's job. As was going to the Parents and Teachers Meeting at school and other such events. I don't remember a time when my Dad came to school, not that it was a big deal for us back then but I would have liked if he had come sometime.
He is one person who's had quite a strange importance in my life. He matters to me so much that i cant even begun to write about it; most children feel the same i am sure. He has always been concerned about my career but never have we agreed upon the choices i made! He is so much there on my mind that when i meet a stranger his happens to be the topic i speak the most about. And i always surprise myself when i realise how much his approval matters to me. He doesn't much cuddles me (I would say once a month, to be very very very generous) and with whom i have inhibitions cuddling or clinging on to like i do to my mother all the time (to her annoyance or happiness i know not!), but even writing about him overwhelms me and i have to drink some water to compose myself.
I remember in December last year when i was to come home one early morning in an auto, he kept repeating and reminding me to pull down the curtain in the auto so i don't feel cold. He must have said it 5-6 times and i felt so close to him then. Even now when i get late, he never fails to call me and ask where i am. He might scold me for getting late but i know how to get around!
But still, all through my growing up years and even now, i used to feel i'm not very comfortable whenin close proximity to him. His anger could be one of the reasons. I have always held the grouse and an eternal complaint that he treats us (his daughters) like his employees. I have never been comfortable doing anything useless in front of him like watching television or reading a book or stuff like that and it has been the same with my sisters (im the youngest of three, i call me the stocklot! heh). Seeing my friends and cousins going about their casual lives with their fathers, joking with them, teasing them or simply ignoring their presence has been a mystery for quite a long time now. Even now i don't feel comfortable if he comes home and sees me watching television or chatting on phone. It's as if it's been engrained in our minds that wherever we may be, we have to make ourself useful and not to waste time. Having said all this, i cannot say he is the strict type of dads who yield an iron fist. Nope. He is cool when he has to be. When out with him he is the one more generous about money than mom and whenever short of cash i go to him and ask for money which he easily gives, not many questions asked.
I'm seeing him change over the years and it is a welcome change. Much of it is also about the fact that in this time I have grown up and i now understand things better than i used to. He is taking over my mother's role in the mornings now that i have to go to my college quite early as Mumma is not in the best of health. Not only does he prepare breakfast for me but also makes sure i eat well (or he threatens he won't let me leave the house). Some days back (may be a month or so) when i went downstairs to fix myself something to eat before college, what i saw on the dining table had me bragging about it for days after that! On the table was a fine spread of all the breakfast and non breakfast healthy food you would have ever imagined. On it one could find: tea, nuts, amla candy, banana cut into slices, papaya all sliced, carrot, other kind of nuts, ome mithai i mean you name it the table had it. He had also prepared some paranthas for me and as i came in looking at the table and trying to sink in the mixed feeling of happy shock and guilt that he had to do it for me, he quickly got up and said "I have also made tea for you, lemme just reheat it again. And i have made some Paranthas for you. You can have it with the raat wali sabzi. I will get it for you, sit." Goood Lord!!! and this when he was reading his newspaper on the table and having his morning cuppa dip-dip tea. Was i surprised or what! Overcome with guilt that HE, MY DAD had to make these efforts for me, I quickly motioned him to keep sitting, that i would help myself, but to no avail. He went to reheat the tea in the microwave. I had to rush to the bathroom to let the feeling sink in. Papa ne mere liye breakfast banaya!! To many it would seem "so whats's the big deal", but to me it was something so extraordinary and impressive that i am still gloating in it!
Friday, February 20, 2009
Circa August 14, 2008
This is an old post which never saw the light of the day cz of my busy schedule. Here it goes.. the day is August 14th, and I am barely a fortnight into Campus Law Centre, Faculty of Law, Delhi University.
-----------------------Curtains Rise----------------------
"Sure?" asked the lady officer at Campus Law Centre (in short, CLC, the law school I was enrolled in). "Yep", I replied. She made me sign somewhere and another officer handed over my original documents to me. Finally, I was going to withdraw admission from Law and get into MA Political Science, the course I had dreamt of taking up for so long now. The admission wasn't easy and I could bet it was a miracle that I got through not only through the first selection round but also through the second one. After having collected my documents and clinging them close to my chest, I rushed out of the building to go on to the next step -- deposit the documents at Shyama Prasad Mukherjee (SPM), the college I was affiliated to in order to secure my admission. Aaha.. MA Political Science.. I was finally coming!
I reached SPM with my brother whom I picked up on the way. We didn't know the way so it wasn’t that easy driving to an institute situated bang in the middle of a residential area like Punjabi Bagh where one hopes to find a garden full of women and kids anytime. Anyhow, it was a college all right. Went in.. completed the formalities and here I was.. a bona fide student of Delhi University Art Faculty and no more a Student-Advocate, the term I fell in love with when I heard it the first time from a teacher.
Walking out of the building, I didn’t feel half as excited as I thought I would be. After days and days of having weighed both the options, that of law and pol sci.. I had finally chosen the latter.. Something I thought would help me more as a political writer. BUT I wasn't happy. No I wasn't.
With a heavy heart and a busy mind, (it was busy telling the heavy heart that MA Political Science was a better option any day), I went back to DU, dropping off my cousin on the way back. There was a panel discussion on the Amarnath Yatra issue at the Department of Political Science, which I had wanted to attend. In I went. It was the same room where I was to attend the Political Science classes for the next 2 years. Sitting on a seat while waiting for the panellists to arrive, I found my self unsettled. I was not fine. My heart was telling me I made a mistake. I kept telling myself that it is a matter of hours and I will be fine soon but the feeling wouldn’t go. The discussion was excellent and I even took part in the question and answer session, which generally makes me feel good with myself. But this time it was not to be so. On way back again I was in jitters. As time passed the sinking feeling metamorphosed into a drowning feeling. Now that the damage was done, I ventured to do some damage control. I tried to take refuge in the usual "it is just the fear-of-the-unknown" excuse, but the feeling would just not go away. Sitting in the car, I called up people who I thought could help. I made frantic calls and as if the weather was privy to the storm in my heart, it even began to rain heavily. But I found myself incapable of absorbing the beauty of the greenery all around or the rain falling on my head, something that I never failed to devour. It was now that the truth of what I had done with regard to the next couple of years of my academic life hit me. The reality struck my senses and I prayed that the clock would turn back by a few hours and let me be a law student once more!
On coming back home I logged on to the internet to read more about political science but found myself running away from it, this had certainly not happened before! I shut my computer and tried to sleep but couldn’t. I kept tossing, turning. The thoughts of having taken the wrong decision kept haunting me. In fact a time came when I couldn’t believe I had actually withdrawn from the Faculty of Law. "Why? Why WHY didnt you follow your heart?", I kept asking myself. Finally I asked myself, "Should I try going back to Campus Law Centre tomorrow and beg them to take me back?" Once such ideas started churning, there was no looking back. I decided to plead, beg, reason, talk to the dean, do anything if they would just take me back.
I again logged on to the net. Found a friend. Told him my problem and we again discussed the ideas. Must say he helped me clear my mind and supported my "sudden change of mind". Then, I tried to sleep, my plan was to get up early the next day and reach the CLC office before the officers would. But sleep wouldn't come. To kill time and to torture my eyes further, I switched on the television and watched "My Wife and Kids".. a nice programme. At last I felt my eyes watering and I slept about 3 with the dialogues I was going to say going around in my head. Now that I think of it, it was much like the mathematical formulae that wouldn’t let me sleep the day before mathematics exam in school days!
Night passed. 7 am and I was up. Didn’t utter a word while getting ready, as if the momentum would break. Declined the offer for breakfast, even water wouldn’t go down my throat that morning! Finally, I took an auto and rushed to CLC. "Cluck Cluck Cluck", went the pen in my hand showing deep anxiety. I reached the office building and found two sweepers cleaning the floor. One of them asked me "What happened madam?", as it was way early for classes to begin. I told him my problem and was greeted with a broad mocking grin and thus came the first of the lectures I was to encounter all day. "Soch ke karna chahiye tha na.. ab to koi chance nahi. Aapko sochna chahiye tha pehle." There went my hopes.
"Kis se baat karu?" I managed to ask him.
"Ab to Professor-in-Charge (PIC) se hi baat karni padegi", came the reply - a suggestion I wanted to avoid since the PIC is the last authority on matters such as these and his NO would mean the end of all further discussion. Then came Mr A, a jolly looking chap who, I presume, takes care of the administrative work for second-year students. After much deliberation, I decided to talk to him since he was the only officer present. I walked up to where he was rummaging through some papers and in a near crying tone, uttered, “Sir.......” and related my sorry tale. As expected, I was greeted with another set of teeth laughing and smiling at me and saying “Lo Kallo Baat.” He then told me to wait as the concerned Madam would arrive soon and I should talk to her. Hitherto began another hour of mind-boggling wait.
The ‘madam’ did not arrive, rather something unexpected happened. The PIC, (saakshaat) was coming towards the office. Mr A greeted him and answered some questions he asked. Thereby he told him, laughing his silly laugh, "Sir, inki problem suniye. Kal admission withdraw karaya tha. Ab vaapas chahiye." Such a sentence, I was sure, would have blocked all doors of reprieve for me, but his smile was such that perhaps the PIC also forgot to acknowledge the seriousness of the issue. (Or as it seemed to me). Government officials and specially college officials are known to 1. Create problems for you 2. Make u wait endlessly 3. Pay you as much attention as an attacking shark would to the pleadings of a helpless swimmer, so any help was good help.
Coming back to the office scene, the PIC then looked at me and asked, “Kya hua?” I repeated my plea.
“Kyu bhai, Political Science kijiye na fir”, he said.
“No Sir, I want to do law,” I said.
“Hmm. Kab withdraw karaya?”, he asked.
“Yesterday, Sir”.
“Hmm”, then he looked at Mr A. and told him to take back my documents. (Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! My heart did a somersault and the clouds of fear parted to let in the warmest of sunlight of a winter morning!)
I couldn’t believe it! As the PIC walked away from the room, I profusely thanked Mr. A, a man whose smile I would never forget! He told me, “Madam, don’t get so excited! Let the other madam come.” “Yahoooooo!!!” I cried in my heart! And outwardly asked him , “So, should I get all my documents?”. “Yes, its better you get them ASAP,” said the noble soul. (!)
Thus I sprinted towards the road. The burden of having erred on such a large scale seemed to get lighter by the minute. Taking a deep breath I took the first auto I laid my eyes on and told the driver to take me to Punjabi Bagh . “SPM, I am coming, to get my documents and bid you good bye!"
------------------------Curtains Fall--------------------------
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Valentine's Day --!!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Rain Divine
When clouds rule the sky
And blows wild wind,
It is ecstatic how the first drop of rain
Rests itself on my bare skin
Soft and clear
The droplet shines
I look upto the sky
Saluting the rain divine
I lie down on wet earth
My eyes open no more
The clouds are thundering past me
Little drops tickle me to the core
My mind travels back in time
To all the wondrous moments of past
Like the rain, memories shower on me
I collect as many ..aah fast
When life was not so serious
And problems so small
This rain takes me back there
When nothing mattered at all!
-Like a kid gazing up at the trees,
Trying to climb and dreaming of a home among the leaves
-Like a little girl, studying her face in the mirror
with eyes full of little dreams
-Like a youthful lover, craving for that one glance
Imagination running to the extremes!
In no time, the sun goes back into hiding
Behind a cloud so grey
Droplets have become heavier now
With the ground below its prey
It’s dark, deep and lovely
The sky’s dancing in mirth
Thus begins a love triangle
Of rain, wind and earth
Tiny droplets sitting on leaves,
Waiting for a few moments, then come sliding down
look to me like a group of friends
gliding together on a slippery slope!
Coming down they meet the earth
The life of a droplet coming a full circle
He was little
a child of three
with Big black eyes
Which wanted to see.
His eyes kept rolling
Trying to find
A speck of light
In deep design
He felt tethered
Shackles abound
Arms twisted
Knees on ground
But still he wouldn’t
Make a sound.
Questioning mind
Looking harassed
Where to go
To seek solace
And mothers touch.
“Mother o mother”
All he could think
“Where’d you go
Im here still”.
The little child
Confused and numb
Felt up his mother
Climbed up her lap
Therein lay his world
Closed in her warm clasp