Friday, December 31, 2010

Final Statement: Dr. Binayak Sen

I remember having written about Dr. Binayak Sen in May 2009 on my other blog. He had just been released from prison after 2 years on charges of sedition etc under the Chhattisgarh Public Security Act 2005 and Unlawful Activities (Prevention) Act 1967. His bail had come as a good news.

An year an a half down the line - Dr. Sen gets a life time sentence by a trial court in Chhattisgarh. Though everyone is sure the appeal would overturn the said decision but still it smacks injustice and is such disgrace. Though the news is stale, but I just read his final statement. If interested you can find it here: http://www.binayaksen.net/2010/12/final-statement-of-dr-binayak-sen/ . Also read: http://www.binayaksen.net/2010/12/shiv-viswanathan’s-letter-to-the-pm/

I have many questions in my mind. But more, later.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Jimmy

Back when Jimmy left me, and I used to be this little 12-13 year old girl. It was the night of 14th December. I had my Math exam tomorrow so my eldest sister was helping me out with sums the night before when suddenly the lights went out. Mum came upstairs to my room where my sis was teaching me and lit a candles and all so that I could study. She told me not to come downstairs and to sleep on time. I was so scared of the Math exam that I didn't pay much notice to the blackout. Jimmy had been ill for more than a month now and though he didn't walk much but I was so young that the thought of him leaving me never occurred to me. To me he was there and was always gonna be there.. just like perhaps we are okay with our grandparents being on the bed most of the time. In a while lights came back and I saw my other sister get inside her blanket, with her head also inside it and shiver.. as if she was crying. I thought to myself she must be feeling cold or sad or something. No time to think, it was Math exam the next day.

I went to school, took the exam and when I came back all my family was at home. Mum fussed over my food a little. I could not see Jimmy around but that was normal since it was winters so we used to take him to the roof top so he could get warm under the sun. I asked about him and as I did, Ma told me in an almost apologetic tone as if I was to pardon something bad that had happened under her care. She said, "munna, wo nahi hai.." (Swts, he is not there).. the words did not reach the sane corners of my mind. Without a word and with a constant and quiet chant of "no no".. I ran to the roof top to find him. A thousand thoughts and feelings collided in my little heart under the scion of disbelief. I checked the roof but he was not there nor was his bedding. Teary eyed and shocked, I checked the bathrooms but of course he was not there. My sis came to take me downstairs and I could not believe that Jimmy was nowhere. They said it happened last night. It had happened the moment the power cut happened. My mom thought not to tell me then, as I had an exam and she knew how attached I was to him. So they sent me to school and decided to break it upon my return. My sister was not shivering under the blanket but crying the last night..and the lights had gone out at that precise moment he departed. They had then taken him away and never told me clearly about where he was buried. I never asked a lot. Took me many days to be fine. I hated those winter rains.. and I cried in them cz that meant he was out there somewhere and getting wet. 

For months afterwards I used to scrawl Jimmy's name in my Diary..I was a regular diary writer and I used to keep mentioning it to him and assuring him that I have not and will not forget him ever. All my diary entries used to mention him at the end and I had this whole sheet of paper on which there was nothing but his name written again and again and again thousands of time both sides of the sheet. I saved his collar and a little toy frog he loved to annoy himself with. I have those with me still.

Jimmy was already a grownup little doggy when he came to me.. he spent last two years with us here..and with his jolly nature and harmless ways he easily made friends. With Panther's arrival 6 months later, I did forget Jimmy’s loss, but always remembered his death date. This year I forgot to remember him on that date. It made me feel horrible. I had just lost Panther. And I felt one day I will forget him also.. and its not something I want to happen.. 

But I know life will eventually go on. It always does. And the most important things are not to be remembered or repeated.. there are no days assigned for them in the calender.. but there is and there should be space assigned for them in the heart.

I don't know why his thought came to my mind. It was a reality I had long overcome. Long long back. Ten years is a big time when you are going on from 13 to 23. But I love that little girl and her white little Jimmy. And I will always do. The need to reassure, after all, is not his, but mine.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Missing u so much little friend. So much. When i look arnd i sense smthing amiss.. D most profound happiness u gave me for so many years.. Without as much as the realisation of wat we had.. The loss is so big. I wish u were here.. I wud hv secured u under ur blanket in this cold weather and made sure u were warm and cosy.. I wud hv allowd u on my bed! U lvd to sleep on d bed na? U look so cute always..
Maxi is well.. I hv made her wear ur old dress (the check one)..and i feed her. I knw u used to get possessive about me wen it came to her.. Bt its ok na? She is my only connection wid u..wen i pat her or play wid her she behaves so lovingly and so gratefully..i feel i touched u .. And she loves u too..remember how she used to fight dogs double her size to protect you? She continues to come at morning and night to meet u.. Her usual time..
Today, i went there.. I didnt know wat to say to that patch of earth... I cud only mumble 'lv u'..kept looking at the bundle of dry leaves there.. and then I ran out of d compound. Did u knw i ws there? Did u?
I wish ppl who leave us leave us wid an address where we cud write to them..i hv this blog..its nonsense.. Bt so is everythin else..When i write to you, i dont want to stop..i want to go on and on and i dread that i will have to stop ofcourse. My ears ache for u.. My eyes ache to see u prancing about wid leash in ur mouth.. Asking me and only me to take u out.. We had fun na? We did, buddy..so much. And all dat is there.. I wont let it go from me ... I wont let u fade.. Ur pictures talk .. Dat neha in d pic was so lucky.. This neha envies her completely..
Wat happened yaar?? Why?? I miss u.. Thats all my dear dear baby.. Js be in peace.. No pain and no suffering now.. That's my only solace. I love u..and dont u think i will ever forget u. Really.. Pomis.
Lv u.. I knw u wont read.. Bt i wish u get my msg

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Across the Universe- The Beatles

This is perhaps the best song ever written..


John Lennon's masterpiece: Across the Universe


Words are flowing out like 
endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass, 

they slip away across the universe.
Pools of sorrow waves of joy 

are drifting through my opened mind,
Possessing and caressing me.

Jai Guru De Va Om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Images of broken light 

which dance before me like a million eyes, 
They call me on and on across the universe, 
Thoughts meander like a restless wind
Inside a letter box they
Tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe

Jai Guru De Va Om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Sounds of laughter 

shades of life are ringing
Through my open ears 

inciting and inviting me. 
Limitless undying love 
which shines around me like a million suns,
And calls me on and on across the universe

Jai Guru De Va Om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Jai Guru De Va
Jai Guru De Va
Jai Guru De Va
Jai Guru De Va

Monday, December 13, 2010

missed u a lot today

Missing you a lot.. cz i am home without you being here.. had i known it would be your last few months, i would have left all work and everything and only been with you.. taken u for car rides which you SOO loved.. honey, i  too loved to drive you around... it was always fun seeing you happy..as i rolled down the window your ears would flap against the wind and your tongue would hang out more than usual :) making u happy made me happy.. simple, it was so simple..

xoxoxox

Such posts never have a name

I am in a dangerously excited mood right now. Its hard to tell if it is the result of deep sadness, stagnated grief or pent up emotions about things beyond my control. It could very well be none of the above. I want to do some serious damage to my 'gud girl' image soon. Ok.. don't get stirred just yet, i just mean in terms of 'freedom'..earlier while i craved for geographical freedom.. wanting to break the bounds of region -- going someplace new to me and a place i would be new too... packing bags at a whim and going someplace by train and getting down at whim.. there was of course no fear of security in my 'want'.. plain hitchhiking sorta exploration of India.. unlike a tourist, more of a gypsy kinda freedom. Needless to say, never happened! Not alone anyway..

Today I feel different, today I wanna challenge the bounds of convention. I have no idea why all my plans involve night, roads and breezer. But they do. My silly notions of secure getaways even include my car and some fun person by my side..oh yea.. goooood music too. I am so boring that sometimes it feels how lame it must sound to those who party all night and get their hair down everyday.. but I don't subscribe to that kinda fun. It would be boring and obvious and compared to that i am better off at home. But I do crave for nightouts..in car.. on road..with streetlights, wet turf and some fear.

I want to get lots of cranberry and jamaican breezer (the most lallu alcoholic beverage ever and the only one i really like) in the boot of my car.. also get some warm delicious pizza..something non dominoes and non pizza hut type.. i would like some lallu pizza from a stall..it retains its taste for longer.. and then i wanna plug in nice easy music .. and then i wanna hit it.. within delhi.. on its roads.. all those roads which look so rabid in the day time transform into a race car track.. no i dont wanna speed unnecessarily.. but i wanna zoom along the music. You know what? Who am i kidding with this meticulous planning? Only a partner, a night and a road would also do.

And then i wanna drive upto someplace I like.. and sit and relax.. open up a breezer and gulp while feeling good in my lallu notion of freedom...laughing, carefree and free. Is it really freedom! Nah.. actually its about flirting with what's not allowed to me... caressing a night and doing something my type yet non conformist. People do such stuff all the time I hear.. my friends party at the drop of a hat at places I haven't even heard about and sometimes I do feel I am missing out on a lot...nah.. not that I want to go where they do.. its not my calling.. But, I am missing out on my kinda fun at my kinda places in my kinda ways.. which however harmless..could make me feel like a daredevil in my own right.. And who doesn't like playing with fire?

I don't think all this is ever gonna happen. Sigh.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Panther & Maxie

video

Panther Maxie flirting talking :)

Panther Good Boy Part II

video
This when there are no directional glitches but panther cant find the ball!

Panther .. good boy Panther

video

Behind the scenes .. panther and film making.. i loved the moment when he would emerge again with the ball in his mouth ..running to me

Panther and his toys

video

Panther and his antics.. i wish those times could come back .. love him..

Cell phone camera quality aint that good..

Panther and black socks

video
Come winters and he and i would camp on the the rooftop under the sun.. he must have been very young then

Panther walking on the (erstwhile) rooftop

video
He is total nautanki

Panther (featuring stuffboy)

video
Ok, it worked.. it his magic.. that though i was tearful, he made me laugh.. :) my little cutie baby
video

This is my first attempt to upload a video.. i am not sure if i am doing it right. Lets see..
Love you panther.. miss u every moment.. hv to remind me you are not there.. morning walks are not there.. ur naughty games are not there and the nightly strolls are over. really over are they? we are never gonna go for a walk panther? will i never see you again? ever? how can that be panther? wont you come running with the ball in your mouth? wont you jump and woof for the choostick and bisky? how can it be over.. how .. what all happened? how can it be.. a month back it was all fine.. i had hope..i really thought it would be ok..  was able to suppress the fears..but now.. what is left.. your collar remains and so do your belongings.. what do i do?..wont you be back? is this not a nightmare..why dont you just come back to me.. i miss you a lot.. i'd go any distance to see you and touch you once.. my mind wanders in your memories .. and if i don't bring it back to the reality, i concoct lies..that you have gone for a little while.. like you once did when so young.. the fact of your permanent absence hadn't hit me so strongly till now. You will never be there panther? You are always there.. you know everything..how can it be.. how can it be.. ya kya ho gya..:( you are a small child.. really small.. you are little baby who i had to take care of.. what will i do now.. what will happen? my head is crashing and floating...

Friday, December 3, 2010

Your pics always make me smile..


Panther- a month old

The years thereafter:

  














miss you so much

Panther baby,

I can't believe you're gone..the roads look so empty without your jovial walk.. everything seems so bland and purposeless. I don't feel like coming back to a silent home where no tail wags for me and no one asks me for long walks. I miss you my darling.. and i miss you beyond words can express..

I love you like I would ever love my own child. You ARE my child.. i can't accept that I only got to keep you for these ten years..i know baby you didn't wanna leave me too.. i saw it in your beautiful eyes.. the wish to live more. when you breathed it looked like you wanted to breathe in life .. as quickly and as much as you could.. i love you for keeping up a gud fight.. i love you so much chotu baby

I am glad I was with you day in and day out.. it gives me peace that I gave you all treatment that could be given. I sometimes had to trick you into taking so many bitter medicines...which led you not to trust me.. but I had to do that baby..i never never meant to make you not trust me..i never used to even say i would take you for a walk when i knew i couldn't.. i so loved when you would not wanna go with anyone but me for ghumi ghumi..

Those times in the park when you and I used to be roaming around..and I would take off your collar and run ahead off you... you would let me go a bit farther but then you'd look up in search of me and come galloping by my side... i loved that you looked up for me. And then when maxie you and i went for our strolls.. how you loved to run with her and we all raced along.. and how maxie always protected you from other dogs..and you the way you longed for her companionship

I miss you panthery..

I have so much to say to you.. i sit at all places you wud usually sit and i talk to the floor .. i behave as if you are still there.. I don't want to move ahead in time.. my heart struggles against the flow of time.. so that you don't have to become a memory.. so that i continue to feel your presence ..that if I keep saying all that I used to say to you every day -- even to empty walls and floor -- i would be able to keep a part of u alive.. i know i will fail in time.. but i never wanna forget anything we ever did together sweetheart.. you would never know how much i loved you..

I will keep writing to you..like i used to talk to you when you'd rest your face in my lap. Sweetie i am there.. and i know you are there.. bas tu khana kha lena yar..ab bohot ho gaya bina khaaye.. just eat eat and eat and i will be happy knowing that you are not hungry ever ..

After you left, everyone cried so much.. and somewhere inside i felt happy that you got so much love from everyone.. people who have never even met you prayed for you baby.. and they all love you so much. Papa, Mummy, Shilpa, Gu di .. all of us are heartbroken.. bt I try to look strong to them.. cz then they worry about me. 

But we don't want that na? You are with me na? Thank god we didn't take you far away.. I can go anytime and pay you a visit.. so you will never feel alone little one.. you will never be without me..i never thought of my life without yours.. but i guess now i will have to talk to me when i wanna talk to you.. but im there.. dont ever fear..i know you don't like to be alone.. i am always always always with my chota sa .. chota sa pyara sa bacha

muahhh dogu

urs, me

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

mood

'Mood' is a luxury these days. Meant for those who can afford to 'have' it or 'not have' it. I find myself bitter right now. As if some godawful pill has been thrust inside my mouth and pushed down my throat leaving an acrid taste on the tongue and insides of teeth.

But then I topple and I get up...and I see around. I drink some water of calm and see things afresh. I realise its all part of the deal and then I carry on. I am happy I am not on stage, I am happy to be the protagonist of my own story and still be behind the scenes. 

What is my story? What is the story of my life? Would like to answer that in detail sometime without sounding too dramatic. Nothing special about my life .. other than the people I know. They are all special for sure.

I am writing just for writings sake.. the only other thing that gives me this feeling of control is when I am behind the wheels and the road is smooth... when i maneuver my car ..zipzapping it from behind and waving slower cars a suave goodbye. Being a smooth smart skillful driver makes me feel I am my boss.. and makes me feel better. It mostly takes care of sullen moods.  

Coming back to 'mood'.. it really is a luxury. And sometimes it is all a lot of gibberish.

Friday, November 26, 2010

panther

I spend these days seeing my panther trying to get up and fall..struggling against his body..but keen on his will. He still looks like he is smiling and laughing. Only he can laugh at his own miseries, as tears run down my cheeks.. wetting his stretched paw. I've seen my baby jump and holler..i've seen him pine and dance.. I've had moments where he seemed to tell me to be strong. D same darlin is now lying low by my side.. Barkin an occassional bark..as if calling out to me.. but when I go to him he says nothing. I don't know wat he asks from me as he barks out loud and clear as if d disease is flippant still. He has gotten angrier than ever now.. Perhaps he's tryin to make me unlove him.. Or perhaps dat wud be a long shot. I dont know which dawn wud be d last for him..or which dusk wud take him away..as i see him look at me wid his ever so deep dark eyes.. I want to tell him all wud be fine. But i know nothin will.. I know nothing will... I lv u yaar mere.. kyu ja ra hai yaar .. Mat jana kahin.. Mere paas reh ja.. Theek ho ja na..

im all broken yar.. I lv u myjaan

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Can I just talk a bit here?

 

I am feeling very lonely.. panther is getting worse with each passing day. His hind legs are not working now. To see someone you have brought up give up eating, walking, playing or even seeing is heart-wrenching. I don't know if you or anyone will understand bcz to everyone he is just a dog. But for me he is my most beloved buddy and partner and witness to all my years of growing up and becoming the person i am. I was 13 when he came home and since then my life has revolved around his choosticks, his jumping, his barks and even his ticks that I so fervently tried to get rid off. I've bathed him, combed him..put him to bed and watched him silently as he slept his cozy sleep.. I have brought him up like a child and now suddenly he becomes a dog..who people say die usually at 10 or above age. How an that be fair..someone do something :((( i will do anything to see him up and about again.. i lv him so much that its tough to keep it inside of me..

 

His is the only identity card in the world which has my name as owner. I bought bday gifts for him.. Who totally belong to me. Who i decide for. How to let my heartbeat go?

 

How to handle this pain?

 

I am not new to pain, I have had times when I had to let go of people I loved..I have felt worse before .. even more helpless than now..at least I have panther in sight..but with all my honesty, I feel this is too much for me. God. Don't make me move on again. I dread to attach cz i will have to leave.

 

I love him dearly. Don't make him suffer. I can't bear to see him sad and forlorn. Does he know how much i love him? Does he know?

 

No one can ever understand this pain.. i knew such days would come some time.. but so soon? He is a kid..why don't they understand? He is so small..so naughty..and so much like a baby..

 

How can I ever let my heartbeat stop..

 

I know may be I should not be putting this all down here. But I have nowhere to go. Feeling so lonely so lonely and so sad.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

raindrops

I hear the raindrops hit an iron ledge with a 'clink' ... and each time this happens, the drop fractures into countess driblets heading in all directions. Some tap the windowpane, the ambitious ones join the water sprawled about and a few nascent ones I am sure remain suspended in mid air. Drops on the window ultimately spiral down.. like a slithering serpent. Those that make their own way form puddles. The trajectory these droplets draw is nameless, pathless and devoid of an audience. Why can't our lives be like these? All of us in our clammy little worlds are trying to be the ultimate raindrop! But in the fag end are we not mere raindrops still?

Saturday, November 20, 2010

metro ki chehal pehal mein..































metro ki chehal pehal mein
tumhare kad ke ladkon mein
tumhein dhundte paya hai maine

dil se ladte jhagte
paao patakte
khud se naraaz
khudi ko manaya hai maine

Ankhon ki nazar se paar
jahan andhera hai aur ujala bhi
us sifar mein jaha kuch nahi
ek sapna sajaya hai maine

Jahan bheed hui
wahan tum bhi hoge
isi udher-bun mein
bheed ko apnaya hai maine

ye jaanti hu tum ho nahi
par tab bhi tumhari tasveero ko
mujhe dekhte, aankh milaate
hilte-dulte paya hai maine

Sab jaan kar bhi
jhooth ko maan kar bhi
hosh mein hosh ko kho kar
jhooth se dil lagaya hai maine

Itne saalon ke baad bhi
purani yaadon mein
aaj ko dubaya hai maine


metro ki chehal pehal mein
tumhare kad ke ladko mein
tumhein dhundta paya hai maine

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Untitled


the skies wore a purple hue

hatching memories along the way
back I traverse to lonesome times
the days of me and you.

it was a painting 
our love
with the boldest strokes
and bewitched contours.

Without a mercy
heedless of prayer
the beauty of cold dark love
the pleasure of sin

On a tranquil lake
we sat deported
our bare feet dangling
over a road unknown.

There! in the waters
interspersing the ripples
a silhouette formed
But still, it wasn't you

Thursday, November 4, 2010

a very boring post






Dear Diary,

I turned 23 this tuesday.. seems like a joke to me. I never felt more un-twentythree my whole life. I also realised 23 sounds older than say, 24. My theory being that 23 sounds post-22 while 24 sounds pre-25. I hope u got what i mean. I am in mood for serious nonsensical babble with you.

I had a nice time on 2nd.. quite contrary to my plans, (which involved some serious lazing around the house.. singing songs while going up and down the staircase, lying low and munching away to glory) I ended up having the whole day out with my family. It couldn't get any better, especially with a mid-night surprise pulled off so nicely by my best friend and family. 

I had been feeling quite low on the eve of my birthday, so decided to sleep it off. Happily unmindful of the barrage of phone calls and messages that were to come my way, I dozed off after taking a pill at 10pm, only to be woken up by H at midnight, with a dark chocolate truffle cake laden with lighted little candles standing atop. It was so sweet - the cake and the gesture both. Mum, Papa, S and Panther were all there and we cut the cake. Apparently, H had been in hiding in some other room for 2 hours before midnight..and the only word that I kept saying repeatedly as she materialised in my room was a repeated avowal of "shit! shit! shit!" That was before I scrambled for my spectacles and could see straight. I was then presented with gifts and gifts and gifts.. all of which I loved.

The whole day was spent replying to messages and taking phone calls from everyone..along with a 2 hour long trip to Gurgaon and back.

The next day , ie. yesterday I took my college friends out for a treat. It was nice and cosy at a Model Town eatery where we digged into mughlai dishes and got packed the rest.

It was nice and unplanned. That's the way I like things. 

There is much that has been going on in my mind. Some troublesome shoots and some happy notes. A lot needs to be done and it is no reprieve that we celebrate Diwali tomorrow. I love the festival. But diyas make me feel sad and philosophical. I just wanna lay back and relax.. most probably i'll cook something interesting tomorrow.

But I do wanna enjoy Diwali. And I know I should shut the hell up, this post is getting more and more aimless. But i like it naaa. Pleeeej.

Today I watched The Prestige and loved it. Usually magic shows and circus are the things I don't feel very comfortable seeing..for different reasons. The magicians absurd outfits and the clowns at the circus make me feel suffocated. But the movie is a must-watch. It is brilliantly crafted and edited..the music is superb. imdb gives it 8.4 out of 10 so thats pretty neat. Besides, I learnt a trick or two.

I also later googled about Telsa, who is also there in the movie... a physicist/scientist who lived at the same time as Edison did but devoted his life to electromagnetism, nuclear science and electricity. 

The movie is realistic and based on a book. Engaging.

I am sick and tired of Garima.. i am sick and tired of playing ludo with her just to keep her happy. Why should I keep our house-help happy? I really don't know. I despise ludo now. I need a strong cup of tea.

:( 
Nea

Saturday, October 30, 2010

The Sunscreen Song



Wear Sunscreen or the Sunscreen Speech are the common names of an essay titled "Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young" written by Mary Schmich and published in the Chicago Tribune as a column in 1997, but often erroneously attributed to a commencement speech by author Kurt Vonnegut.

An awkward letter to Mr. G.O.D


Dear God,

Hi! Would have asked 'how do you do' but since you are the Almighty you must be doing well. I am sure this letter will find you in the best of forms and idols and books and hearts. I have much to discuss with you, but I think some introduction is owed, since you deal with so many people and I can think of no reason why you'd suddenly recollect which 'child' of yours I am. So, in a bid to save you from any rummaging through the shelves – I am Neha. I'm someone who seeks peace and is ready to pray. I think that's enough because other things do not really matter.

I must also make a confession here, for to confide in you or to pray to you, I have to say a few odd things even if you are the Hon'ble know-it-all. (no offence.. all reverence). I must also admit that till sometime back I never really believed in you.  No, it was not a mark of rebellion or a feat to feel proud of. It was merely an honest answer to a basic question – an honest assessment of my natural beliefs and inclination of psyche. It was not that I didn't think about you. I pondered about you quite a lot and after lot of subconscious thinking during my childhood days I had came to the conclusion that try as I might, I would not be able to believe in you. No offence meant. But I had the belief that you are more of a 'need' than a reality... a 'need-based' entity for those who had nothing else to hold on to. So, I categorized myself as being an atheist and for many years you really didn't figure much in my life. I was a happy atheist albeit not a loyal one. I remember a time when I used to be late to school and the huge iron gates were about to be banged shut - I would throw open the challenge and say, "God, if you exist, you will not let me get punished today for arriving late to school." It was hardly a prayer-- rather more of a selfish dare for you to bite the bait. Needless to say, once I'd escape the punishment, you would slip my mind. And I'd be in my happy world again. Kids do that, you know.

As I grew up some more and as the natural apprehensions in the latter part of my adolescence showed up, which also encompassed more of reading, learning and interpretation (thereby inculcating in me better intellect), I was tempted to subscribe to the notion that there has to be, after all, a method to this madness. The thought was pacific to me. Also because by then I had already challenged you in hundreds of frivolous ways and each time you had come out victorious. (I don't know if that was a sign, I for one never really took it seriously). And thereby I realised that I was turning into an agnostic.

You see, it was not for me to choose what stand I took when it came to you. It was about rubbernecking inside of me and asking the abyss of my core, 'Hey you, do you now believe?"; which, I must admit sometimes echoed back and asked me instead, "Hey you, are you in need?"

I've found myself there a few times these couple of years. In need. Writing – nay, praying to you. It took me a while to trust the whole concept of praying. I am like a kid who has been coaxed into trying something, but when he finds people are staring at him, gets shy and hides behind the curtains.

I do want some things to remain cryptic, so I don't seek to seek. What exactly I wish for, I know not. But I do wish to be peaceful. I want my paranoia about letting people come close subside. I want to be healed. I come to you not with specifics; I am not ready for that as yet. But I am ready to pray. Is it a good beginning?

Love,
Me.

PS: to be continued..if need be.