Interestingly, all my 'prospective' blog posts are being converted to letters and being sent to a couple of friends. Friends I know nothing about personally but who I have begin to trust and listen to. Corresponding with them, knowing that they are far away from me, and in a way have nothing to do with my life is reassuring and adds to the trust factor.
Upon my return from Hyderabad I immediately left for Jim Corbett and Nainital with both my sisters and their husbands. At Corbett we stayed at a luxurious resort and as usual I enjoyed the breakfast spread on all days. In Nainital we stayed at a small hotel on the Mall Road which allowed me to sneak away anytime I liked and go on a walk to explore the area on my own. I remained eclipsed from the world and though at times the 'family' time became too much for me - me being not used to so much of it - but it was mostly distracting (in a good way) with all of them around. Yet, surprisingly I continued to feel like an outsider within my own family. Every now and then I would have a strong urge to leave, which I would suppress - calling myself an ungrateful wench now and then.
My first night here was full of fears where I would transfix myself at one place unable to move lest some calamity should occur. I am lucky to have a best friend who hears me out and is always there. I sometimes wonder why - yet there she is, so is my sister.
In continuation to the last post - the offers have been coming in yet nothing really truly excites me. I might leave for Jodhpur before which I have back to back meetings the whole of the next week. I was far happier working for free for the same people that I now am working for money. truth be told I have been disappointed in people interviewing me except for the last interview where the conversation was so crisp and smart that it made the entire interaction feel like a page out of a book. I did make a couple of cheeky comments which i hope would be taken in the right spirit.
There is a lot I want to write but I don't for the fear of being seen as someone who is trying to be different/thankless or thinks too highly of herself. If only I could put to paper how these are the very contradictions that have kept me disturbed. It was easy for me to work for free and still is - but extremely tough to work for a meagre nothing. I think so highly of myself that I wouldn't allow myself a single mistake - and yet I have corroded my self to an extent where I have no confidence in my self. 'No' being the key word. I dislike the idea of being alone yet I am always seeking to be away from people. I can't at times stand the night being alone in my room - yet I equally do not want to meet anyone. I badly want to work - as in the routine work, not the kind I am doing right now. And yet I have no enthusiasm, no hope, no purpose, nothing that I am now looking forward to.
Sometimes I feel I am waiting for a miracle. Sometimes I feel since I am soon going to die anyway what difference does my working not working, responding to emails or not responding, meeting people or making excuses not to meet, really make? Why do we have to go through life? They tell me it is something to be grateful about - ok I am grateful - now can I please leave this drama I have no interest in being a part of? Make a clean exit? If I have life I must have hope (at least enough) to subsist. If I do not have it then what is the point in this lifeless rudderless thankless hopeless existence that is so in contradiction to anything I respect?
Since I obviously cannot take my life - it is better to stand still and do nothing. But doing nothing is always more difficult. If only I could do that I don't think I would be writing about all this. I would be a monk.
This is an escalator that is not really going anywhere. But there I am. On it and heavens would fall if it were to make a move! Though I must continue to believe that I am moving.
Beherhaal, I will try to simplify things for myself by either making some sort of a map or flowchart or something. I might come back here soon. I am liking the taste of it here.