College Library

I am sitting in the college library.. just yesterday a friend asked what was my favorite word, his theory being that a word could tell a lot about a person. And i agree. The first word that came to mid was 'sexy' (:))..but then I thought more and said 'wood'.. many other words like 'book' and 'write' came to my mind..but I zeroed in on what came first. Sitting in the library, or to be more precise while typing this post i realised i liked the word 'library' a lot. Always have. But this one could be an exception.. for i dont find the chairs very comfortable and so i don't stay here for too long during college days. The word, nevertheless, is great to say and today when I saw so many students with their heads down, pen in hand and a true academic look on their faces.. i started to enjoy my stay too.

Today I have planned to visit India International Centre, a place i considered home till sometime back, well, till the home broke apart. Anyhow, there is a film screening and discussion on Indian Elections there today and I didn't wanna give it a miss. So since 11.30 am I am camping in the college library.. studying, napping, day dreaming, cartoon making..studying too and just now I found an unoccupied computer seat so i jumped to grab it..and here i am. I can see lots of guys lurking behind me, wanting the seat..but i am here to stay, guys. Hush Hush.

With a book of Labour Law in hand, I sat in a forlorn corner, my cardigan in lap.. (campus is exceptionally cold), while trying to find some sense into what is written in the book and copying some important stuff in the notebook i have. Why i do it i dont know for seldom read what i write later on..but jot i do..on and on..:) as if it is getting inscribed in my brains and just like magic it will all reappear before my eyes in the examination hall. Bah. Never happened.

I had a nice sound sleep just now..in the head-down position. When i got up i had forgotten where i was. I keep forgetting where i am when sleep beckons. But it gives me a cosy feel. Im sure you don't get it. Forget it. So here i am up and about.. typing away to glory..(my blog my glory..my bloglory) while trying not to remember, feel or recollect times gone by..in this very library, in this very building.. romantics should be banned from the library, I say.

Today I miss him here. But i am not saddened by it. Does it make a difference? I am saddened everynow and then but then I try to think of 'life positive' and that helps a bit. :) I love the people I am close to right now. Sometimes i wonder why do they choose to be my friends?! Do i also stand by them as they do to me? Am i also a good friend? I must be, i think. And it is then that i realise the importance of having them around. I sometimes hug them in my mind.. all of them, hug them close and big and in my mind my eyes turn moist..but my lips break into a smile.

Thanks folks..for inadvertantly being there, for intentionally being there, for wanting not to shun me, for staying close and for giving me the hideouts you so often give. It is all unsaid and comes naturaly..its valued and cherished by me.

From library, to me, to friends to senti-going-mental chatter. Hmm.. what happened to me? :) Dont know. The coffee is waiting at the nescafe counter. Another old hangout place to face and to fight. And later IIC..my second home.

Closure

It is the worst part of your life. Take it, accept it, live with it, drench your skin in it, let it permeate your body, let it reach the core of your sanity, your soul, your being..let it run through your nerves with the same ferocity as blood, let it crush your heart in a zillion pieces, let it rule you..don't run away and don't you try to evade. Like a marsh let it swallow you and like a marsh you swallow it. No good trying to find a way out. Give in. Stand still.

Give in for you know you won't ever be this sad again. Give in, for once you recover, the worst would have been over. Once it is over, you shall never be this way again. You prefer physical pain over this one? Then consider it physical. Consider it a whip ripping through your flesh. Consider it a bullet that hits your head and leaves you all bloody, consider it a boulder thrown at your face. But while you do that, consider it momentary, consider that it will go away, consider your mum will come and save you like it were promised in childhood. But first accept.

Never think of justice. For that you will never get. And why should that bother you so much? Everyone has reasons..and reasons are aplenty. Rub it off your memory and your soul. Die if you have to and then re-emerge. Love shall save you and love you have. That's the cleanser, the tonic, the nourishment. The worst shall be over soon, my darling. Till then hold me tight and you shall find me here when you open your eyes and realise the pain is gone. I'll be there. I am there.