Wednesday, July 9, 2014

on living and dying

Why do I continuously want to die? I try not to think of it but I find peace in the thought at times. I do not have the courage to see the future, to see more people, to suffer more lies, to break my heart some more, to see people I love die and to still go on. 

I do not have it in me to go on - not physically - not mentally. I find myself arguing with life itself. Wrestling, grappling myself out of its clutch I want it to free me and let me decide for myself. Like a sane person should. We should have the right to the ultimate exit without causing pain to anyone. We should be able to go as unquestioned as we were born. Is this whole 'life' thing not an imposition?

They say, and you might also say it is a gift. I balk at that. I am unable to fathom, I am unable to enjoy this gift, it is difficult to breathe in the mornings. Why can't anyone see it is difficult? Humiliating when I see those names in my phone's contact lists and call up people just to distract myself. My mind knows what I am doing, the whole 'act' of it is disgusting but I fear going mad. And so I make the call, very reluctantly.

And as I write this I realize how big an irony it is and what a big fraud I must be. On one hand I shiver with anxiety, afraid for my safety, afraid for everything I have including my mind, and on the other I talk so carelessly (thanklessly, if you will) about life itself. On one hand I am afraid something bad will happen to me - on the other I want the worst (according to common belief) i.e. death itself. 

You see the conflict? Where do I take it and who do I share it with?

And then enters the greater ignominy of it all. The idea that others are suffering more and here I am bestowed with so much and yet complaining? Do you see the layers and layers in which this 'thing' is operating on me? Not allowing me to live, not allowing me to wish to die, not allowing me to breathe, not allowing me to be?

I am tired. Is there no end to this bitter conflict in me?