Some random threads

30th Dec 2009

I want to see the world. I want to go out.. i want my bags packed..wanna book some ticket to some unknown obscure place.. and just get in the train.. just for the journey. I wanna see the country.. I wanna see the town and the cities and the villages and the rivers and the lakes that we have or have not even heard about. I want to sip hot tea from some decrepit old teastall.. where they also sell mathri and strange biscuits..the tea would taste like nothing i have tasted before! good! and then i want to go looking around.. i know i am going to get some strange stares...those mostly emanating from strange men.. i might take a fancy to one of them and concoct an entire love affair in my head.. and just then the train would give a sudden jerk and i would come to my senses. I want to be in some train, listening to the music of the engine.. soon the wheels on the tracks would begin a rhapsody! I might want to get down at some lonesome but inviting platform..or i may decide to sit till the end! Then i would get down atlast and sit on my luggage and gorge on something locally made.. like vada pao in bombay or utthapam in South or something hot. I wouldn't care two hoots about the quality of that stuff.. i would just accept. Then I would roam around a bit..preferably at night.. in and out of the lanes and bylanes of that place..take a rickshaw if they have one and just feel the freedom.. get down now and then.. take a picture of moments i do not want to let go. and then i would do some shopping.. buy anything that i know would take me back in time to that place. I just wanna be by myself. No plans no bookings.. i wanna travel on my own.

3rd Jan 2010

I so wanna go out..leave Delhi for a while. I love my city.. but i want to live on my own..make new friends or maybe not.. see life my way.. just go go gooooooooooooooooooooo out and have some fun.. no timings.. no tension .. no questions and no excuses.. just freedom.. wonder if i will ever have that kinda freedom.. and i want to open myself to the idea of friends.. for too long now i have kept myself in this cocoon..i'm finding it too small...  or may be too empty that i can hear my own echo when i speak! Perhaps what i need is a bigger canvas.. a higher picture.. a different life! There are so many places i want to see.. so many sights i want to witness.. so much i want to do.. the adventures i wanna be a part of.. to make the stories that i have only read in books so far.. sometimes i feel like i will burst with the rigorous thought process going on in my mind! There is so much energy in my head.. so much-- so much-- so much...as if the atoms and the molecules are running.. faster faster faster....like they do under heat! And then when the energy in my head exhausts itself and I settle down..the comfort of status-quo tries to over power it all.. like a shadow.. i fight it but it wins.. it wins because the rigmarole of everyday life is much more 'real' and urgent and pressing than the images in my head. These images get washed away in time, by the ever-immediate needs of 'now' and general expectations people have from me.. but i long for those images.. i long to set me free.. i long to just go for once..

Into the Wild

Sunday, Jan 3, 2010.

Watched Into the Wild.. a fascinating yet distressing story of Christopher McCandless..your usual graduate with fighting parents, who left his urban life to try and live off the land.. hitch-hiking his way around the continent. The story is a true one. Christopher went by the name Alexander Super-Tramp..burned all his money in the wallet.. donated the rest to charity...travelled far and wide.. in complete solitude.. made friends with fellow tramps.. gave up all things material.. and followed his ambition to go to Alaska..where eventually after 113 days he died out of starvation caused by eating inedible potato root. The story is gross and at times one feels that the guy is stupid as he could have saved his life had he cared to carry some essential supplies and some experience of living in the forest. Though one has to admire his guts but the fact that he left his parents to mourn after him -- i found it unjust. We do not have the right to give that kind of sadness to anyone. We do not have the right to just die when their are people who us so much. And to inflict that pain on those who love you who saw you grow up..who dreamed about your happiness ..is just not right. These people might even hate you upfront but you just don't make someone suffer because you are obsessed about something. Hey.. i'm not just blabbering about the movie here.. lots to this effect has been going on in my head.. about the kind of hurt that is human and why one should not be subjected to more pain than is justified.

You know, we underestimate pain. We do it all the time. Maybe that is the defence mechanism of the soul and hats off to it. But to be feeling something that is not meant to be felt... to be going through such mental agony which is fitting for something much worse and not for what has actually happened, is not right. It is NOT the way nature or fate planned things. So don't let yourself do that to you. If you are in such a situation, then there is something major wrong going on inside of you.. something you need to set right.

I don't write that difficult, but still,  if you understand it.. congratulations!