Remember the Pursuit of Happyness? Will Smith, the father of a 5-6 year old kid tries to get them both a better life through sheer determination, grit and hardwork, or Kramer V Kramer where Dustin Hoffman, a busy father, learns to enjoy his little boy's company and eventually realises what matters most to him is the kid and later fights a legal battle to get the child's custody only to lose it. The wife (Meryl Streep) leaves the kid in his custody in the end though. Beautiful movies.. must see. Or even the video of that ghazal by Pankaj Udhaas called Sach bolta hu main.. i found it so touching.
It hit me when i read Gone With The Wind for the first time. It was Rhett's love for his daughter Bonnie which had millions of readers turn into his fans. I read almost whole of the latter half of the book at a go during my school days. It's something i love to recall.. i laughed and i cried with it and i dreaded that it would come to an end. By the time dawn broke, i was hopelessly in love with the book for reasons more than this post can encompass. One of those reasons i am writing about today.
I have always found it very sweet when men shower their little daughters with bountiful affection and listen to their blabber with utmost attention as if profound words were being spoken. Whenever i watch a man playing around innocently with his daughter or taking her in his arms for a walk, i feel it is a scene straight from heaven. [You can say i am a little gender biased here that it has to be a daughter..but that's MY fantasy you see..it has to be jusst perfect ;)]
Coming back to the point now. I started this post to pour out here things i feel or have felt for my father..i call him 'Papa' like most people my age. He is a businessman and like all businessmen he has lots of stuff in his "to-do" list everyday. While growing up I didn't like the fact that it took him considerable time or help from my mother to tell which standard I was studying in. The task of getting me and my sis ready for school and then to drop us off to the bus stop was always my mother's job. As was going to the Parents and Teachers Meeting at school and other such events. I don't remember a time when my Dad came to school, not that it was a big deal for us back then but I would have liked if he had come sometime.
He is one person who's had quite a strange importance in my life. He matters to me so much that i cant even begun to write about it; most children feel the same i am sure. He has always been concerned about my career but never have we agreed upon the choices i made! He is so much there on my mind that when i meet a stranger his happens to be the topic i speak the most about. And i always surprise myself when i realise how much his approval matters to me. He doesn't much cuddles me (I would say once a month, to be very very very generous) and with whom i have inhibitions cuddling or clinging on to like i do to my mother all the time (to her annoyance or happiness i know not!), but even writing about him overwhelms me and i have to drink some water to compose myself.
I remember in December last year when i was to come home one early morning in an auto, he kept repeating and reminding me to pull down the curtain in the auto so i don't feel cold. He must have said it 5-6 times and i felt so close to him then. Even now when i get late, he never fails to call me and ask where i am. He might scold me for getting late but i know how to get around!
But still, all through my growing up years and even now, i used to feel i'm not very comfortable whenin close proximity to him. His anger could be one of the reasons. I have always held the grouse and an eternal complaint that he treats us (his daughters) like his employees. I have never been comfortable doing anything useless in front of him like watching television or reading a book or stuff like that and it has been the same with my sisters (im the youngest of three, i call me the stocklot! heh). Seeing my friends and cousins going about their casual lives with their fathers, joking with them, teasing them or simply ignoring their presence has been a mystery for quite a long time now. Even now i don't feel comfortable if he comes home and sees me watching television or chatting on phone. It's as if it's been engrained in our minds that wherever we may be, we have to make ourself useful and not to waste time. Having said all this, i cannot say he is the strict type of dads who yield an iron fist. Nope. He is cool when he has to be. When out with him he is the one more generous about money than mom and whenever short of cash i go to him and ask for money which he easily gives, not many questions asked.
I'm seeing him change over the years and it is a welcome change. Much of it is also about the fact that in this time I have grown up and i now understand things better than i used to. He is taking over my mother's role in the mornings now that i have to go to my college quite early as Mumma is not in the best of health. Not only does he prepare breakfast for me but also makes sure i eat well (or he threatens he won't let me leave the house). Some days back (may be a month or so) when i went downstairs to fix myself something to eat before college, what i saw on the dining table had me bragging about it for days after that! On the table was a fine spread of all the breakfast and non breakfast healthy food you would have ever imagined. On it one could find: tea, nuts, amla candy, banana cut into slices, papaya all sliced, carrot, other kind of nuts, ome mithai i mean you name it the table had it. He had also prepared some paranthas for me and as i came in looking at the table and trying to sink in the mixed feeling of happy shock and guilt that he had to do it for me, he quickly got up and said "I have also made tea for you, lemme just reheat it again. And i have made some Paranthas for you. You can have it with the raat wali sabzi. I will get it for you, sit." Goood Lord!!! and this when he was reading his newspaper on the table and having his morning cuppa dip-dip tea. Was i surprised or what! Overcome with guilt that HE, MY DAD had to make these efforts for me, I quickly motioned him to keep sitting, that i would help myself, but to no avail. He went to reheat the tea in the microwave. I had to rush to the bathroom to let the feeling sink in. Papa ne mere liye breakfast banaya!! To many it would seem "so whats's the big deal", but to me it was something so extraordinary and impressive that i am still gloating in it!
Since that day he is in charge. Mum ofcourse also chips in but i like it that he lets her take rest in those early morning hours when she wants to sleep a little longer. He doesn't prepare paranthas for me everyday but i see him sitting on the table with newspaper in his hands keeping a check if i'm eating right, or sometimes he would ask me what would you like to have while i am getting ready so he can get the breakfast ready for me.. and he would pester me to take a water bottle with me and to pack something for lunch and to take oranges and bananas and what not to college. I have to tell him i go to college to study and i am not a monkey and all sorts of things! hehe.. it's good fun actually! and then i ask him for the car keys and he is quite accomodating, gives me the car whenever possible. :)
"Love you Papa!"
I have never said it to him and i won't be saying it in near future so directly! But i do love him a lot and though he doesn't know about this blog or this post or anything.. i am feeling good i wrote this all down. Why don't we do it often? Tell people how much we love them? Why do we feel inhibited by our own emotions..or is it the fear that it might not be welcome? Don't know the answers yet, but i wont cease any opportunity to hug him and tell him he's a wonderful father..when i can do it..may be when he is going on a trip or something..when it wouldn't look so cheesy! I think i hesitate because he is unaware of all that i feel and because i feel it i wont be able to say it all without crying--which i wanna avoid. Who knows, those happy tears might help rubbing off those sad childhood memories. Reaching out can be such a wonderful thing.
