Sunday, November 27, 2011

you're missed

you're missed

I woke up today.. after months of not believing it. My coming here had made it easier for me to forget what had happened. Whenever I would speak to someone at home, I would often stop myself just in time lest I should ask them how was Panther doing and whether or not he had had his meal properly.. I would often confuse myself knowingly perhaps. Last year - esp the months of November and the first day of December had never really settled in - I had fed to me a notion that I was away, and it was only because I was away that he wasn't with me.. that he was fine at home, and ma was taking care of him. My mind knew the reality yet refused to believe. My being away only helped me hold on to that string of false belief, which even though i knew was 'false' was a strange belief none the less. I think it's time I let go. I think it would still not make a difference. But it's time I loosen my grip.

you were dying this time last year
you were dying and so was i
each time you'd breathe
would be my sigh of relief
you were dying last year this time
you were dying and so was i
each time you'd try to rise
each time you'd fall trying
i'd run to be your limbs
i'd shudder at the sight

Been an year
would be many more
I might not remember each moment
But i can still recall
Each little crevice on your coat
every little thing that would amuse you
I know how you'd react at this and jump at that
What would make you go wag

I love you, if there ever can be love
I mothered you my darling
from the moment i knew i could..
Fussed over you crazy
Pampered you mad,
Was it for you i did all that i wonder
Or was it for me instead..

I know that I know and no one else will
I loved you more than you did me,
you know that my greedy little darling?
But i loved you for that..
as I love you for all..
You were dying last year this time
You were ..and so was I

I know there should be no tears. I was happy all those years wasn't I? I was because I had you to take care of. I had you to come home to and to spoil silly and to scold and to take for walks and make you eat.. those little words we had for our own..:) bisky and bukku and ghumi and the list goes revelled in all that...and then there was no greater pleasure than to watch you sleep..or see you gobble your food, you having your way.. and me having mine.. fighting sometimes.. you always won, needless to say.. you're a delight Panther - in your being and so in your memories.. you're a delight.. a comfort , my heartbeat..

PS: i dont care if you think im crazy..:) i'd just smile at that.. i dont know if you know what it means to bring someone up.. to cook for, to clean after, to be responsible at age thirteen.. to give in, to be dragged for walks early morning, to be woken up in the middle of the night, to spend nights making sure he's comfortable, to try to discipline him and fail.. to find yourself helpless in front of that little one.. to go around pasting posters in the neighbourhood when he had run away, to save money so you could get him treats, to get him bathed at a doggie parlour sometimes, to lie for him, to get scolded by parents because you want him to sleep in your room, to sneak him in at nights, to pray he won't bark when you fix a mid-night meal, to show him off, to have him as a companion for always, to making him happy with nothing but a pat and a choostick, to get runover by him at times.. to love him.. unconditionally.. as like one does ones child.. and i miss him today..sitting far away from where he is right now.. buried. He has been with me, from the time he was a month old till now..for always..

I guess my first born, will always be my second.