Tuesday, September 25, 2012


Everything is turning around. People, places. What I thought is not. What I didn't is. How wrong we can be as judges. How wrong when subsequently patting our backs. The feeling when you realize you have only returned to where you were. I know I keep saying but im not saying much. What stops me? I have gotten so used to keeping things to myself that I wonder if I have forgotten how it is like to be honest. This post is just about trying hard in that direction. Pardon the stilted writing.

I am in Dubai now. Bid adieu to London a day back. In the plane as the plane was about to take off, I said to myself, 'take care, london'. It was more about my time there, hope it all bears fruit and I am able to do some good work. I am happy to be here, I think my sister needed me bad. Apart from that I am at home all day as she and her husband go to work from 7 to 7 everyday. Lots to think, read, watch and relax. Tomorrow I plan to go out, hail a cab and buy some essentials. 

I cleared another round of fellowship I had applied for and was interviewed via skype. The results are not out yet. Nothing is for certain. Tomorrow onwards I apply more vigorously. Also got an internship offer from an NGO in London - too late.

I guess thats all for now. Will keep you posted. Hope to be back soon. Miss you.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

i go on

I have been writing for long in my mind. Somehow shying away from coming to the blog. Perhaps it is the wait again, or is it that I have lost the drive. I know what wonders writing does to me, even then. I feel whatever I would write, I would not be honest - so I defer writing all together. I want to be honest, I want to write like before, and yet something stops me. My time in London is coming to an end. I do not have a job; I am waiting for a few replies but that is about all. I haven't tried much anyway.

Staying for long in the room has made me feel shy of outside. Last night I did make all effort and went to Leicester Square - the same streets that oozed with spirit, city-lights and of crazy folk at one time - now all seemed quiet. And no it was not just because it was a Monday, it was like it had always been. But no more was I enchanted, no more did the lights and the streets and the people held my attention. I longed to return and return I did, only to drift off to sleep while a couple of friends watched Ek The Tiger on my laptop.

In my dream I was not sure about some fellowship, whether or not I had been accepted. People after people were going, boarding a train and starting off. I was standing there in wait - someone had to come and tell me I was to board! How could I just board by myself! Everyone had a certificate or a receipt to show they were accepted and they were happy, including a tall, broad, nice natured American gentleman. What about me?

I hesitate calling home. May be I just wanna show them a success story. So, I wait. In a couple of days I will be shifting places again and would stay here in London for a few more weeks after which I might or might to go to Dubai and then to Delhi. I wish to see my sister. It would be a pity if I returned and did not meet her. It is such a small life, must meet people we love.

I will be leaving for the library in a while. Recharged my seasoned ticket yesterday, so travelling shan't cost must. Working from home has never worked for me. I need an office space. I miss my sisters office where I used to set up a corner for me. My 'work' day meant writing a few acrostics, doing random research, helping her out and sometimes meet a friend or two. Whenever I wasn't interning or didn't have college in the morning I used to go to office with her. That's what I need now. So library it is.

I now I am rumbling and I don't know why. But I need it. I need it bad. It is reassuring, writing here. Even nonsense.