It's OKAy.. take a deep breath! and eat nice, get ready, get going..you have much to keep you busy..much to keep you engrossed and you are blessed with friends you love. It's Ok.. smile now


:)

Who writes this first thing on a sunday morning? ME!

One part of me just wants to wriggle out of this mess..its not that opportunities are not there..just that I am not able to allow myself to move on.. I fear that by hopping on to any of these opportunities the last frail thread binding us, however loosely, would also snap and the road leading back would be shut forever. And I don’t want that. Why don’t I want that? Sometimes I want to tell myself to chuck my belief in justice.. life etc. is NOT just..was never meant to be. I want myself to absorb this truth..inject it in every nerve of mine and just go away forever. But again, I am stopped.

Waiting had become a part of life these past many months. The year was a disaster, such as I would never want to relive again. But sometimes I wonder, could I have made things better? Could I have worked things out? Could I have done anything different so as to make it better? Did I leave any stone unturned? Did I place my bars to high? Did I let ego blind me? My answer is no. I always believed that ego, as long as within the realms or garb of self respect, is good, it is needed for anyone to support one's beliefs and one's assertiveness sometimes. But go a few notches higher than that and it sucks the happiness out of moments that would otherwise be brimmed with love. I didn't let my self have that kind of ego---to the utter annoyance of some of my well-wishers though---for I did not want to lose those wondrous moments for the vain glory of having satisfied some vengeful notion of mine. Naah.. that would have been too paltry a consideration. I would have been unable to do that.

I so want answers. I so want solutions. I seek solace. But something inside of me stops me..for I know if I turn back I would lose my self as well as any chance of things being better again. Another thing that keeps me halted is the apprehension of failure. One more time and I would be again left alone.. feeling like a fool standing in a far off desert praying for rain with not a speck of cloud in sight.

I know the above would make little sense to anyone but me. My write-therapy it is.

A few uncomfortable moments..a few observations about human behaviour..

A time comes when you are more afraid of being hurt than anything else. When the reason you don’t take the most important and the most beautiful step just because you fear you might have to go through pain..something you want to avoid at all times. Suddenly that pain starts to look like a mammoth heartache that you want to avoid at all cost. Sometimes even at the cost of your own ultimate happiness. How do we do it? How foolish are we to let go of the most beautiful part of our lives for we fear to get hurt?? It is one of the saddest things one may have to encounter because suddenly the fear becomes much more than the pain itself and you are left without the most special feeling, that is love. It is the wrong choice..your fear is always secondary. Ou should have tried to find what is primary and remained true to it.

Then there are times when you fight the fear. You do not give in to the fear of pain and keep going on, treading through stones that cut up your soul each time you try walking but you go on with optimism circling on your head like ah halo. But you fail yet again, because, afterall, things are not in your control..specially people. With time you realise that the pain is all you might be getting for pain in return. You think, where's the sense in that?

The cycle repeats itself. You fear, you gather courage, you pad yourself up with optimism, go out in the field and there you fall again. With time you choose to live with the fear. You strike a deal with fear and promise never to get hurt again. As if it were a safe haven. Suddenly you put hurt over love, fear over courage and there you lose love as well as courage.

Sometimes you wake up.. all innocent and fresh.. and suddenly it dawns upon you. The bubble has burst, the dream is lost.. you wake up and you try to feel the familiars feeling, you tell yourself it was but a dream. But it wasn’t. Your dream is over. There comes another day--you freshen up and get back to work. As if nothing had happened.

Sometimes it feels I so don't belong. To the career(s) I have chosen, to the people I know, to the characters of the books I read, to the pics I see in other people’s albums.. sometimes my life seems ‘halted’ to me..arrested in the clutches of the times gone by. Neither do I have the energy to let go of the past, nor do I dare move forward.. may be I don’t want to. Sometimes seeing the imagery of other people’s lives I feel at peace with myself. Seeing them happy, chirping about, and hanging out in groups of friends I try to remember when did I feel this way? When did I put my arm around some friends and cheer at full volume? I have done that, haven’t I? But when? I race my mind but can’t feel the feel.

I was happy in my world. My happiness, my monuments, my seminars, my friends, my newspaper, my life, my college. All of that changed and is gone. But I still haven’t begun to define happiness the way others do. The way other girls do. Why to me the epitome is something else? And at the same time why do I want to once feel that happy in the situations these people are happy in? Seeing them I feel may be the problem is with me.. and i just can't figure out what.

Have I started looking down upon people who get happy in little happiness? Who are not shy to display the reason for their happiness? Have I begun to wait too much? For the right people, for the right occasion or for the right moment..?? Would it be only then would I let myself be happy? Isn’t that foolish of me? and would I change easily? No.

I have been around many kinds of people and I have seen them change. But I never did because I thought my ‘change’ would be something else. The thing, the phase that would change me would have to be bigger than smoking or boozing or partying.. this change was not to be superficial but from inside…it just doesn’t happen with me. I feel like I am pretending a life here. And God knows I’m tired of doing that.

I feel like a misfit right now. In this world, in people’s lives, everyplace I go…and I’m getting too emotional..so better put a brake here and now.

PS: its all nonsense isnt it.. the truth lies elsewhere

Mum's Girl Through and Through

Mom, sweetie.. I love you a lot. No one fills my heart with thankfulness like you do. Your just being around me gives me immense sense of security and your unbridled love makes me feel I’m special, that I make your world special like you make mine everyday. You have no idea how many times I have hugged you tight and felt my troubles melting away, how every time I hold your hand I feel I need nothing more. You give give and give and you make me feel bad about it sometimes for I know I won’t be able to match you ever. For I can never give you the kind of peace you give me. What you derive from sprituality, your daughters derive from you mom.

Your face seems to elicit such calmness sometimes that my confidence increases and makes me stronger. I know I can always run upto you and hug you and you will put your arms around me so casually. In that one moment it is immaterial if I’m 21 or 2 years old. I come to you and you just take me in your shelter. You know, I may not have liked it much if my casual hugs meant too much to you. You take it like it is the norm and that’s what I love about you and me. I will never go away from you ever. You are never judgmental and always so wonderfully sweet in your own way that you know nothing about.

I am dead sure you have no idea what you mean to your daughters and even if we try to tell you, you would never believe it. You are not even going to read this post. :) but I love you mom. Your sheer presence is so comforting to me. There have been so many times when I haven’t really disclosed what may have been troubling me, but it has never stopped you from being able to help me out. As if even ‘knowing’ my problem isn’t necessary for you, you are always ready with that what would soothe me. Bliss - that’s who you are.

And your knowledge, your honesty, your creativity, your bright mind and sharp brains and at the same time childish laughter and singing in the kitchen .. is out of the world. When you cry it seems the world is ending, and when you laugh I feel you are the kid not I. I know all children feel this way about their moms but right now the feeling is so overwhelmingly beautiful that I can’t stop myself from writing about you, my modest innocent cute mom. I wouldn't claim that you are the world' best mum for that would be too narrow a view..for everyone's mum is the best, but I just wanna say that i just wanna be like you.

(PS.: you ARE world's best mom, mom!)