In the garden tonight

I sit in a garden

on a rickety old bench

it's dark and its quiet

the way I like best

The lights have been lit up

winter chill has set

the grass is shining with dew

all my worries at rest.

Been making little songs

Been singing to myself

Thinking of nothing,

but so much is being felt!

I feel so complete tonight

Am not happy or sad

am walking with no one

holding nobody's hand

It's dark and its calm

my hands in the fold

I feel smug and cosy

with my nose all cold!

Im humming this poem

that I made for myself

the words flow softly

as if rhyming for itself

I wish I could post

the melody of this song

So u cud join me on this bench

and we would sing along!

Happy B'day to Me

Exam tomorrow. I thought I knew the subject well..had attended all the classes..loved it. Had THE best teacher in the world. But I guess the subject doesn't love me. All the Articles of the Constitution have eloped with their respective Cases..leaving nothing in my head. Whatever's left is befuddling me. Where art thou mr. confidence?


Plus mera mood theek ni ho ra hai.


Plus Panther bhi messe naraaz hai.


Plus exam hai :'(


One good thing though. While studying when our mind goes off to wander, it comes back with brilliant stuff. Today also it so happened. I was supposedly studying when I concluded that today is my birthday. Now how can today be my birthday? I will tell you how.


My birthday was on...2.11.09 ----(1)
Today is .................20.11.09 ----(2)
So, since zero ki koi value ni hoti, therefore, from (1) and (2) ----- today is my birthday. 
Hence proved. :)

Nothing like talking nonsense..

Hina and I had a stupid stupid but hilarious song for hours-before-exam jitters...when we could do nothing but laugh out madly about how bad our preparation was! BTW.. how boring life must be for the toppers. Anyway the song is too kiddish to type in here. (As if there's any scope for me to prove my being 'mature' now) :)

lv all

nea

da dum di ra da dum di ra --- just enjoy the show

Am so tired right now.. hv been studying all day.. finally.. and now that i am studying i realise there is just so much left to study. im kinda scared. pardon the small 'i's and other stuff. i got no energy. may be cz i skipped dinner.. mann ni hua. I had two cups of tea instead to keep me awake. 

what is all this gibberish? nothing.. js the need to write..

recently read an article in HT.. a nice spiritual one.. was written than for different people different things cn act at meditative. For some it is dancing, for some smoking, for some i dont know what...for the writer of the piece it was writing only. me too.

today and for somedays now i have been going thru my drafts (423 as of today) of last few months. pages and pages and pages of letters, unfinished poetry, finished poetry, some anecdotes, some philosophical wanderings, some not so philosophical wailing, some ranting rumbling..its known that one writes best when in any extreme emotions..especially morose ones. Some of the poems i had written in hindi i would hv liked to share but they are way too personal for public reading. But i would like to know people's opinions.. if only they'd buy it when i say it's all written JLT -- which it is so not. 

I realise what's happening. It has happened so many times that the pattern is so familiar. And i can only sigh. I see myself standing. Na aate banta hai na jate..aur khare rehte dekhte to bilkul nahi banta.

Back to constitutional law.

Lv

Neha

PS: i js want single spacing between my paragraphs.. and it js wont happen. pls help smbdy.

what good wud a title do

Being 22 is no mean job. And I am not enjoying it. Firstly, there is this feeling that oh-God am I one of those who are twenty-two. Darn! My sis got married two months after her 22^nd birthday. And if that isn’t enough to scare the living daylights out of me, there is this feeling that I am insufficiently decked up and sent to the warfront. What –where- who- how-when?

I have seriously begun to feel that I am too naive. There are people around me who know so much and it all comes naturally to them-- how to handle people, how to see the reality, when to put a full stop, when to put your foot down, when to create a ruckus, when to say this-is-it, whom to believe, whom not to believe, when to say what, when to caress and when to keep distance. In fact people younger to me are better versed than me in the ways of the world. I have grown up in the same environment as them.. Was I sleeping all this while??? Was I? No, I just kept my distance. Even I should have picked up some clever foxy-stuff from the world around me perhaps. But I never wanted to, I still don't want to. And I don't want to be at loss bcz of my ignorance either.

People around me now seem to know saner stuff when it comes to men, women, relationships, etc etc.. Or is it that things going on in other people’s lives always seem less complicated than those in ours? Because till now I used to be someone whom people came to..I used to know stuff.. I used to be smarter in pacifying people, handling situations. Or was it just an illusion? Now it seems that the equation has changed. And I have become the doe-eyed mystified girl who isn’t real sure of her next step, who is so afraid of trusting her own decisions, who doesn’t want to give now, if that would mean emotional dependence; who promises herself everyday to never let anyone near her. I was not like this. I was happy and sure. I never cared about looks much .. I used to belong to the kind who value the brains..but suddenly my trust in myself, my decisions all seem to have shaken. You wouldn’t know your feeling. Try walking on slippery surface you might feel what I’m feeling. Unsure, perplexed, unsteady and weak in an alien land among people I know so well..but whom I barely know.


To hell with the ‘essential goodness’ crap..i always believed in. It was just that.. crap.

I just wrote this, but you know, this is NOT the kinda girl I wanna be. Those innocent ideas I don’t want to forego. I want to live in the old world where there was no resentment, distrust, no struggle within and no horror of being taken for a ride. When my own word was the last word to me.

Suddenly the scene changes. I recall Jab We Met. When Anshuman refuses to see things through Geet’s worldview and tells Aditya in his super-loser tone something to this effect: “Wo sochti hai zindagi ek sapna hai..wo sochti hai ye uske sapno ki duniya hai..wo sachai nahi dekhna chahti”


..and Aditya tells him mockingly, “Aur tumne use vishwas dila diya ki yeh uske sapno ki duniya nahi hai”

Life Is Fine

Life Is Fine by Langston Hughes

I went down to the river,
I set down on the bank.
I tried to think but couldn't,
So I jumped in and sank.

I came up once and hollered!
I came up twice and cried!
If that water hadn't a-been so cold
I might've sunk and died.

But it was Cold in that water! It was cold!

I took the elevator
Sixteen floors above the ground.
I thought about my baby
And thought I would jump down.

I stood there and I hollered!
I stood there and I cried!
If it hadn't a-been so high
I might've jumped and died.

But it was High up there! It was high!

So since I'm still here livin',
I guess I will live on.
I could've died for love--
But for livin' I was born

Though you may hear me holler,
And you may see me cry--
I'll be dogged, sweet baby,
If you gonna see me die.

Life is fine! Fine as wine! Life is fine!

Today was not a study day

Just witnessed the quintessential winter rain of Delhi. The first of the many sporadic rainfalls that bring down the temperature of this city giving us the notoriously piercing cold and seductive Delhi winters. Seductive? Yes, because it won’t let you work, it will induce you into going to bed with it and would make you long for the warmth of the blanket making it so tough to tear yourself away from the bed when morning beckons.

"Today is NOT a study day" 

I hereby declare the aforesaid (with retrospective-effect of course) so that I don't feel guilty anymore. Not that I had permitted myself the luxury of having a holiday today, but today it seems, is not meant for fulfilling any academic pursuits I may have had. The day did involve a lot of reading though. I lick-read my newspapers, an old Tehelka, blogs and a few stray articles. But prepare for exams, that I didn't do. My mind and I are in no way gonna be trapped today in the boring provisions of The Limitation Act, my current subject of study. Notwithstanding its utility and notwithstanding the utmost importance this statute holds --- it’s not going to hold my attention today..try as I may.

There’s a strange excitement in the air tonight. Has been there since evening. It is sweetly strange because apart from exams, nothing very exciting awaits me at the end of the November tunnel. But I still have a feeling. And it's new yet so familiar. I wonder why but feeling this feeling is like meeting an old friend inside me whom I missed so much.

Lapetu

Cant cm onlyn. My laptop hs bn tkn 4 wire repair. :( I askd him ki kyu
leke ja rahe ho laptop ko. Ise bi leke jana padega, he told me.
My li'l baby lapetu. He mst b alone amng strangr burly laptops. Wt if
dey bully my sleek black one. He dsnt evn knw anythin :'( N it mst b
dark :(
Alrdy sm1 hs stoln his HP bag 4m my rum. :'( I hvnt told him yet. Bt
TG i sent him in d new bagpack i hv, its got cushn n seatbelt 4
safety. Dat guy who tuk him on his bike lukd fyn, wudnt hurt my
lapetu. Bt i shudnt hv let him tk him :(
I told 'em to send him back by tday evning bt dey didnt. Mummmyy...:(
ni ye joke ni hai..i wnt my lapetu bac. Abhiii. Wudnt let 'em kp him
away 4m me tmrw 4 sure. He cn repair d wire, y tk my lapster? As if
all's fair in love & 'wire'. Huh
Lv u lapetu
c you soon
:)
--
Sent from my mobile device

Of taxation & the CIC

:) :D ;) B-)
taxation..hv alws hatd commerce..i knw im biasd n though i lyk
'busines' i dnt lyk tax..who wnts to employ one's tym nrgy etc in such
an excrcise. CAs of d wrld kil me, bt tho i knw u guys do much mor dat
calculate tax .. Ur job tires me nun d les..
Read abt d whole 'Kiran Bedi shud b made next CIC activism' n it does
mk me cringe a bit. Im glad d editorials agree. I hv nthin agnst d
lady bt since wen actors n a motley grp of ppl strtd to dcide who shud
head d CIC? I fyn it funny. Tmrw they'd ask why so n so ws not made d
head of so n so dept..or hw ur choice is better dan our choice. Uski
shirt meri shirt se zyada safaid.. KAISE? Hehe..
Its one ting to stop smthin unjust or wrongful 4m hapning n quite d
othr to rally 4 a specific name. D letter to d CIJ n SC collegium by
eminent jurists n advocates is an exmple dat is a mch bttr way of
raising voice agnst or prevnting wrongful hapnin to tk place. Had they
said pls mk so & so an SC judge, they wudn't hv evn got a hearing. Thrs a
cmmitte 4 choosin d CIC dat includs d top echlon includin d PM. Let
them do their job. Cry foul wen smtin foul is happenin or is sure to
happen..dnt cry js bcz u think u can dcide 4 all.
Rest later. Tax calling.
Lvya! Nea (sic)
--
Sent from my mobile device

Blogin Abbrvtd

Bloggin frm celphone. So wrds r few n small. Studied smwat..hd a
midnite snack.. Intrnet is dwn or smthin, constrctn wrk hs its pains.
Watchd 'when harry met sally' 4 d nth time today. Lvd it lyk alws. Wt
else? Orgnzing thoughts, placing ppl, paving d way. Anyway.
If u look gud, u feel gud. I alws knew dat, bt tday ws remindd of fact
dat studying hard does d same. I put in 9 hrs strght tday. Touchd d
mtaphrical ceiling.
I wana get Panther a new leash. He needs one, or since i tk him out,
mayb Im d one who needs one. Lv him.
Tday i studied abt d cncept of 'laches' in law. It means delay. In
crtain provisns presupose nt only d lapse of tym bt also existnce of
circmstnces dat rendr it unjust to giv relief to d prsn, therby going
against him.. And sadly, it so happens in life too. Infact it seems
dat hwevr impassive law may seem, d Doctrines in law r classic in
charctr..in d sense they transgres times n scenarios..a little
fine-tuning to suit ur situatn in lyf, and thr u r nodding
along..finding it hard to dissent. More on dis later.
I nd to:
1. Think les
2. Stdy more n harder
3. Stay cheerful
4. Accept n smile..no-matr-wat
Im nt rly slpy bt shud tk sm rest.
Lv to all,
neha
--
Sent from my mobile device

College Library

I am sitting in the college library.. just yesterday a friend asked what was my favorite word, his theory being that a word could tell a lot about a person. And i agree. The first word that came to mid was 'sexy' (:))..but then I thought more and said 'wood'.. many other words like 'book' and 'write' came to my mind..but I zeroed in on what came first. Sitting in the library, or to be more precise while typing this post i realised i liked the word 'library' a lot. Always have. But this one could be an exception.. for i dont find the chairs very comfortable and so i don't stay here for too long during college days. The word, nevertheless, is great to say and today when I saw so many students with their heads down, pen in hand and a true academic look on their faces.. i started to enjoy my stay too.

Today I have planned to visit India International Centre, a place i considered home till sometime back, well, till the home broke apart. Anyhow, there is a film screening and discussion on Indian Elections there today and I didn't wanna give it a miss. So since 11.30 am I am camping in the college library.. studying, napping, day dreaming, cartoon making..studying too and just now I found an unoccupied computer seat so i jumped to grab it..and here i am. I can see lots of guys lurking behind me, wanting the seat..but i am here to stay, guys. Hush Hush.

With a book of Labour Law in hand, I sat in a forlorn corner, my cardigan in lap.. (campus is exceptionally cold), while trying to find some sense into what is written in the book and copying some important stuff in the notebook i have. Why i do it i dont know for seldom read what i write later on..but jot i do..on and on..:) as if it is getting inscribed in my brains and just like magic it will all reappear before my eyes in the examination hall. Bah. Never happened.

I had a nice sound sleep just now..in the head-down position. When i got up i had forgotten where i was. I keep forgetting where i am when sleep beckons. But it gives me a cosy feel. Im sure you don't get it. Forget it. So here i am up and about.. typing away to glory..(my blog my glory..my bloglory) while trying not to remember, feel or recollect times gone by..in this very library, in this very building.. romantics should be banned from the library, I say.

Today I miss him here. But i am not saddened by it. Does it make a difference? I am saddened everynow and then but then I try to think of 'life positive' and that helps a bit. :) I love the people I am close to right now. Sometimes i wonder why do they choose to be my friends?! Do i also stand by them as they do to me? Am i also a good friend? I must be, i think. And it is then that i realise the importance of having them around. I sometimes hug them in my mind.. all of them, hug them close and big and in my mind my eyes turn moist..but my lips break into a smile.

Thanks folks..for inadvertantly being there, for intentionally being there, for wanting not to shun me, for staying close and for giving me the hideouts you so often give. It is all unsaid and comes naturaly..its valued and cherished by me.

From library, to me, to friends to senti-going-mental chatter. Hmm.. what happened to me? :) Dont know. The coffee is waiting at the nescafe counter. Another old hangout place to face and to fight. And later IIC..my second home.

Closure

It is the worst part of your life. Take it, accept it, live with it, drench your skin in it, let it permeate your body, let it reach the core of your sanity, your soul, your being..let it run through your nerves with the same ferocity as blood, let it crush your heart in a zillion pieces, let it rule you..don't run away and don't you try to evade. Like a marsh let it swallow you and like a marsh you swallow it. No good trying to find a way out. Give in. Stand still.

Give in for you know you won't ever be this sad again. Give in, for once you recover, the worst would have been over. Once it is over, you shall never be this way again. You prefer physical pain over this one? Then consider it physical. Consider it a whip ripping through your flesh. Consider it a bullet that hits your head and leaves you all bloody, consider it a boulder thrown at your face. But while you do that, consider it momentary, consider that it will go away, consider your mum will come and save you like it were promised in childhood. But first accept.

Never think of justice. For that you will never get. And why should that bother you so much? Everyone has reasons..and reasons are aplenty. Rub it off your memory and your soul. Die if you have to and then re-emerge. Love shall save you and love you have. That's the cleanser, the tonic, the nourishment. The worst shall be over soon, my darling. Till then hold me tight and you shall find me here when you open your eyes and realise the pain is gone. I'll be there. I am there.