err...

Hi

 

I am still in Dubai.. i miss my people (all of u!), my home (yeaa i do miss it), my routine (but thats what i wanted to chuck in the first place).. i think of many people here.. and fondly so..and make plans what i am gonna do when i meet them and the baggage full of gifts for everyone that I am bringing home with me.. :D i have been quite chor too.. each time i would see smthing irresistable and would wanna buy for meself, my alter ego would look at me questioningly "ok, thats for u, and so what are u gonna buy for so & so?" ( background sound: intermittent foot tapping)..so i would end up buying two of those.. and then when i would see smthing else that is irrestible and i decide thats for so & so .. i would end up buying two of that thing too cz well.. its irresistable to me too, isnt it? hehe.. in time i have learnt to dodge such temptations.. i simply buy a lot of stuff for a lot of people. AND to top it all.. tomorrow i have kept exclusively for shopping! I mean! I am enjoying the ordeal here.. may be because i dont need to shop here!

 

You know i had neevr dreamed of or never much wanted a life full of such utopian relaxation and fun.. i have always enjoyed working.. or moving towards smthing.. this break is something that can really really be called a brakeeee-- a shift from my routine.. a stark contrast to the other neha and yet a dollop of her old self everynow and then. <3

 

You see, here all i do is make tea or read and write. Otherwise, i only look good, go for outings, meet a few new people and eat and lie down back at home and take it slow and easy. I mean, thats all i do! get up, get dressed up, go out, enjoy the sunsets, enjoy the drives,.. enjoy the sea..and make tea for everyone. tadaaannnnnnn..thats neha these days. and its gud fun.. also bcz i have nothing to do here. Hardly anyone calls.. since i do not carry a cell phone.. (again, what a relief) .. i wish i could go to the beach daily though. :P gurls never get satisfied do they? I did not even bring my laptop..i can say this holiday like the most natural flavoured icecream ever.

 

I know im going back to del in a few days and i know im gonna be sucked into the daily routine and before I'd know it i would have devised a cruel plan for myself.. the great escape route. but why think of that now? keep afloat.

 

I must tell u i had a bit of vodka tnight. I took such small quantity that it actually shameful.. but i enjoyed the canada dry i had it with. <3

 

I miss my kittens a lot.. they have grown up somewhat... when i go home im gonna hold them and hold them and never let them goooooo! 

 

once home im again leaving delhi for a week.. and i cant get enough of travelling right now.. its phunnn 

 

actually i have nothing much to write tonight except that i dont feel sleepy at all.. and though i am yawning every now and then i dont want to drag myself to the bed and slip inside the blanket right now...

 

today we went to ski dubai.. i froze inside..no, really. The temp there was in minus..and thr was snow all arnd.. i felt so cccold...and.. it was amazing how in a desert country like UAE they have managed to keep an entire building freezing.. i actually saw some stalactites and stalagmites :P. Talk of refrigerators! My lips went numb and my nose turned pink and of course i could not tell my feet from my hands.. it was THAT bloody cold..i had trouble talking at times when we reached greater heights. ggggggrrrjrhhh.. i wwwwont go there everrr again! though must say it was freeeezin' fun!

 

While roaming around in the snow park, I wished to be with someone.. to have someone's warm hands in mine.. or better still to warm hands with someone in that white white white jungle of snow and a few conferous trees. You know, i do get senti when i see utter beauty or utter comfort..or in this case utter romantic setting.. i feel like deferring the moment.. for times in future.. as if we humans have a limited number of good days left for us.. and i want all my good days later..later.. later! And yea.. i become quiet at times like these.. for I know not what lies ahead.. perhaps i have already used up my good days? what then? why am i here then? :) naah.. i haven't lost my marbles.. js sayin.

 

sometimes i see people around me so casually giving away what they have..without realising what they have it,.. sometimes i see them cribbing even when they have the biggest joy on earth.. and then i see me..wearing one of those sad caps wearing gum boots and gloves in an urban antarctica surmising, dreaming, aching for the invisible. And it is at times like these and take a mental u-turn and restart the counting. But we are who we are.. we are humans born with this innate desire to dream and curse to pine..and we keep on doing that..:) no one's lesser of a mortal here. AND it is at times like these that i like human beings for being human.

 

We should always count our blessings.

a red couch

a RED couch

these nights

Sigmund Freud said that dreams illustrate the logic of the unconscious mind. So if one wanted to reach, understand or analyse one's unconscious mind, dreams could be a "royal road". For many days now I am experiencing the most bizarre and impossible dreams. I have always been a heavy sleeper... once asleep I usually do not wake up in the middle of the night unless im sick... and so my dreams I guess are very very powerful and stay with me throughout the day. I know that 10 minutes of conscious sleep could transform into days in a dream, but what i am concerned is something else. I have always loosely interpreted my dreams as some internal longing or stress. But these days even though I am in one of the most relaxing vacations of my life, I dream of moments unanswerable, of people I hardly know now.. or once knew and of people who are no more alive. This shouldn't disturb me of course.. but the intensity and frequency is something that's befuddling me. A few days back I dreamt of a friend in school who is no more, the next day it was a long forgotten acquaintance from the school bus, yesterday and day before also it was the same. People i haven't thought of or considered important, i keep seeing them in my dreams.. last night know who i dreamed of? And this was not someone personally familiar to me ofcrs. It was Ajmal Kasab being taken to the gallows in bus.. strange but ajmal asab changed into a woman in the middle of the dream and was actively participating in the arrangements of his death.. there was a bus full of people, including me, who were going in the same bus.. and it could be that we would also die. And so we kept on travelling..and kept on travelling..we reached a place where there was not a soul to be seen but barren land and gallows. Kasab, who was by now a woman.. (secretly i was also unsure if this was really the female kasab), his/her cellphone kept ringing.. and he wasn't afraid of anyone but the tall military guys.. the short one's she was even friendly with.. what happened next i don't know.. it was a funny cruel dream to say the least. But why were the other people in the bus, those who i had forgotten in my conscious mind? I dont think about these people, i left them in school or my earlier neighbourhood and never paid much attention. I know, i am going no where with this weird post.. but its funny.. how i keep meeting these people everynight in dream who i never think of when awake or haven't thought of for months on end. Its like my dreams got a memory of their own.

the moment

These days i feel that the moment a person decides to take his life.. each time he does that is, in a peculiar way, a moment of truth and the peak of knowledge. Every other moment is a nicety we keep feeding our heart and soul.

sigh

love you panther..im missing you so much tday.. i keep telling me you are at home and i will see you when i return..and you will jump and welcome me.. bt i know you wont.. why did this happen.. i cant js go on my baby.. i miss you yar..:'( why do sad things keep happening to me.. i know it is a silly thought.. but i dont care right now... i want you back..im ready to be stubborn about it.. i dont care if i am unreasonable.. and i dont care if what i ask for is impossible.. i want to still ask for you to be returned.. i wish it was all a bad dream.. the last month and when i go back home you'd be there.. i had thought going away would make me better.. for a few days yes, i got busy.. bt i miss you..i miss our walks and every little thing you did.. i miss giving you your meals and nagging you to eat properly.. i miss taking you around in car... I am at a stage where smthing very very sad has happened.. already happened.. and nothing I can do .. nothing at all.. but sigh and miss..  

 

Why do these things happen yar.. why cant we just have people we know for always.. why not js be happy and content with what and who we have.. i know yar..im talking gibberish.. bt thats what i feel like doing.. blabber.

Day 4: of dubai, bbq, the beach and me

Dear Diary,

Hi :) Missed writing ya.. im fine here.. its a lot of laid-back fun and relaxation unlike perhaps every before.. we sleep late, get up even later and then go for some sightseeing. I don't have my cellphone here.. and I like it that way. No phone to carry or worry about who messaged or called and who all I need to call back. Its nice.. this break. The only contact I have is through fb.. heh..lame i know.. but that's it.. after a long time i am enjoying talking to lotsa people.. being there.. my old self.. happy and care free.

As for Panther, I miss him a lot.. there's this little porcelain labrador here at my sister's place.. complete with a leash and collar.. it is sooo beautiful and realistic that one feels like petting him .. it feels it wil bark and wag his tail any moment! When panther had passed away we had decided we will plant a tree sapling there where we laid him.. i am waiting to reach delhi soon and plant a fruit bearing tree. I cannot wait to do that for him. I love you baby.. i keep wishing.. i keep wishing in vain that you'll be back.. but i see ur pics on my cell and you end up making me smile that you were with me for so long.. having you more would be like being greedy it seems. You're too good..

As for Dubai.. its a great city.. its sometimes like India the way we would want it to be, albeit the stringent rules and lack of democracy.. but may be that is important if you want things to work systematically for a larger populace..ofcourse what I say sounds ridiculous to me.. but i have begun to think how would a nation be with a consciencious state of governance sans democracy. There is a considerable Indian and Pakistani crowd here.. so you don't feel stranded or alone. Two days back we had gone to Al Ain, another emirate. There we reached Green Mubazarrah which is a mountainous region with greenery all around the valley and also the most picturisque rocky mountains. There was a breathtaking view all around .. as the sun came down the glistening lights made me feel i was looking at the spectacular surface of earth from somewhere in space.

Thereafter we descended from the hills and came down to green region where there were so many groups of people bunking in camps and also barbequing. We were a group o 12-13 people..one of us, Abdul is great with bbq..he arranged for bbq material and the veggies. We spread out mats and used my sisters picnic bag which is the most interesting little package of anything and everything u'd need on a picnic! Sexy glasses, cutlery, mat, salt and pepper shakes.. i mean u name it the bag has it. I helped make paneer tikka.. we also roasted mushrooms, baby corn, corncobs, potato, capsicum, tomato etc all sliced and 'seekhed' and sprinkled with salt pepper and lemon all by ourselves.. it tasted yum. There was also a hot water spring nearby from which a brooke flowed and we sat with out feet dipped.. it was lovely.. natural pedicure.. they say the water is therapeutic.. I dont know about that. When you sit on the mat, near the bbq.. flanked by gigantic mountaines and rocks nearby.. with green pasture stretching till your eye looses its vision.. you feel you wanna be alone as much as you feel you wanna be with somebody! I roamed around a lot.. helped barbeque.. i loved doing that and i planned how i could do the same at home sometime..may be on our roof top i can.

The next day we went for shopping but didn't do much of that.. watched a movie and then had lunch. On our way back we went for car wash..which is a nice experience since we kept sitting inside the car.. i was wondering how many cute things two lovers cud do inside the car.. as the car gets brushed, washed and polished by huge sprinklers, foam, scrub and brush ;)

Thereafter, we pulled up the car near the open seas.. it was way past midnight and quite chilly by now... As it often happens... i grew sentimental near the beach... the waves, the rocks, the wet sands and the footprints seemed to have a life of their own..and i kept watching.. wanting to hold the beauty .. capture it in my eyes.. embracing it.. but as happens with most beautiful things in life.. you can't actually do that.. and even if you may hold them for once, you can't hold them forever.. those feelings, emotions and love.. its free.. and therein lies the beauty. It would vanish in my embrace, it would evaporate if i try to reach out to it.. one needs to stand still.. and wait for it come to you.. have you felt that ever? Has anyone?

:) aaah.. i so wish to write more.. more about such abstract feelings.. it makes me feel like me. But i defer doing this.. cz im afraid of the flow.. im afraid of myself at times and what I may let out and what I may behold.

Will post pics in some time..i wish i could go on typing all night..:)

love and peace,
neha

Day 2 Morning :)

Heylo again! Its morning of Day 2 and so much fun. Sister is busy looking about the house and jiaji is sitting nearby .. telly is on and we're having a nice time lazing around...i love the view from her balcony .. its cornish outside.. much like the scenic beauty from up above some building at nariman point in mumbai.. the sea looks beautiful and if i look straight down there's a smooth sexy trail of cars running at exact distance from others and in straight lanes and at such high speed. I am at the 24th floor of this building.. the first 9 floors excluded ..those are for parking.. so in a way i am on the 33rd floor.. :)  I am gonna go down to the beach as soon as i can..

Yesterday as i got off the plane.. a lady awaited me with a placard bearing my name and welcomed me.. unlike other passengers who had to walk a mile and wait at a hundred different queues.. (!) the lady offered me a ride on an open car .. we first went for eye scanning where I was given first preference evn though there was a LONG queue .. i could feel my skin burning :P those people must have been cursing me.. and thence she took me for other formalities where also each time i would actually skip the whole routine and everyone would give me preference. I so totally felt like a film star. I was sure i was bring cursed by those standing in line for hours.. but well.. i stil had my luggage with me when a tall nice Pakistani looking guy walked upto me and offered to walk my luggage for me.. :) now i had TWO chaperons. hehe.. then we went for baggage claim, i got my other baggage.. i had nothing to do except hold my jacket as everything was being taken care of. I lyk i lyk. Then they lead me to meet my sis and jiaji who were waiting at the other end and whoaaaa.. we reached the car and came straight back home! huha.. ok now that was Marhaba Service for me! that Jiaji had booked.. whereby Neha is treated like a filmstar :D lovely service!

My sis had already prepared my favourite dinner comprising the quintenssential Rajma Rice and Matar Paneer etc.. it was amazing to see her so deft at household chores.. i was impressed. :D Near about 10.30 we hurried to the Safeer Mall.. i was in my tracks only.. too lazy to change.. and we bought groceries and stuff.. we hurried cz the mall was stated to close at 11pm. The roads here are sexy smooth and everything's organised .. as for me.. i was amazed to see how my sis scuttled from one part of the mall to 'another checking scrutinising weighing and buying veggies! hehe,.. even the ones like methi and ghiya which we used to scoff at when young! She is so concerned about eating healthy now! A nice happy change! I was so tired by that time with all my travelling that we didn't hang around much and drove back home.

Today morning I woke up in my room (they christened the room 'neha ka kamra') and i have taken to it as if i was always living here.. It has a sexy balcony..balcony ke aage samandar, samandar ke aage aurrrr samandar.. Mr. India types. Today we are going to a birthday party, i have also been invited. So would be nice meeting people..:)

I sooo wanna go to the beach soooon.:) and now time to get ready! ciao!

neha

Dubai Ahoy

Hiya Diary,

 

Reached Dubai..feels great to be at my sisters place.. feels great to see her handle her household and man.. sooooooooo well.. i could learn a great deal here! :) I had a great time in the flight as well and the joy of being alone, by myself...

 

will post more later

 

xoxoxoxo

Miss u buddy

lv u panther.. miss u baby.. its the first day of the new year.. i miss u.. i miss u a lot