ek ashru ki boond

Ojhal hoti un aankho se..

Nikal pada main asehsa

Na gathri bandhe na saman liye

Main nikal pada kuch sehma sa

Mano kisi ka isharo ho

Kisi ne dhakka de mara ho.

Nikla main to zamee(n) garam thi

Bukhar na tha

Par tapish agam thi

Jo pag dhara to beh chala main

Aankho ke kone se gaalon ko chukar

Tumhare komal shareer se hokar.

Ek bar laga main reh jaunga

Tumhi mein kahin kho jaunga

Par zameen ne bula liya

Chhod chala main tumko

Tumhare tapte badan ko

Aura aa gira is dhool mein

Jo mujhe registaan si lagti hai

Chah aisi jagi jaisi

pyaase pathik ko pani ki lagti hai

Par main hi toh pani hu

Bhaav hu, barkha hu

Main hi to jeevan hu

Barf hu, badal hu..

Main hi to samudra

Main hi to khushi mein aankh mein basta hu

Main hi to dukhon mein sadev sajag hu

Main chal pada mujhe rok mat

Mere aane ko kos mat

Main aaya tha aur chala gaya

Main fir ek roz aaunga

Main ashruon ki boond hu

In aankhon se door kaha ja paunga

Jab chahogi, jab sochogi

Kisi yaad mein chupa paunga

Panther & I

Just watched Marley & Me and for the record, I only cried for half and hour but that was before I called Panther upstairs. Once he was up and in my arms, confused why his Neha was suddenly all sticky and wet on the face with tears, sitting on the dirty floor calling out his name while making strange cootchicoo faces, I ended up shedding stupid tears for another half an hour. The movie has that effect. We dog-persons can translate such cinema to our personal losses and gains and well, impending inevitable doom. (Sighs but then takes a deep breaths and gets on with writing.)

He takes my breath away, Panther does. He may do nothing but just be there laughing, frolicking about, looking at me with one ear dangling and the other slightly cocked up. His face stooping towards one side in a cute little 'hunnh?'. He actually totally melts me every time his big black hopeful eyes look at me with unabashed innocent greed and craving for yet another choostick or crunchy doggie biscuits that I keep stacked on my wall-unit table. I feel worst when he bids this silent goodbye near the main-gate every morning when I leave for college. His chin resting on a paw, instead of the usual space between his two paws, as if upset and deranged, as if asking me to return soon, or take him with me, or better still, not go at all. I sometimes turn back and kiss him goodbye, but I sometimes forget to do that in my haste to reach college on time. He waits for me anyway.

When I am home it's a joyride. He'd make funny sounds that a dog makes just before he is about to woof the hell out of my unsuspecting ears, it goes like the most impatient desperate 'unnnhhh unhhhnnn' groan. Earlier I used to mistake it for an urge to go pee but now I know better. ;) I'm well acquainted his myriad ways of barking. But when even I can't figure out, I trust my instincts about what he might be asking for, whether it's a walk-bark or water-bark, or a tasty-snack-bark or whether it's his irritate-neha-bark, the whole purpose of which is to make me take notice, even if that means waking me in the dead of the night.

Watching this movie made me recall the mad days when Panther was young. To him the world was a chewdom- a chewing kingdom; where he is the ultimate ruler- the Chewmaster. The Sovereign. And us? We figured no where! Except when he wanted us to run after him. He'd pick a shoe or a sock and would run about the house as if a railway engine has been let lose in the drawing room and kitchen. Round and round and round- with the speed of lighting. Running after him was NO option! Are you kidding me? The dog could give professional racers a run for their money. So, I used to take the other option which included a chant of: 'sit down'- 'relax' – 'try to forget the shoe ever existed'. Or if I could interest him in a treat, well that could solve the problem in a jiffy.

You know what's the cutest thing about him? It's his utter, unembarrassed, undiluted and firm belief that my (Neha's) world should revolve around his whims and fancies! And man, how I love it to make him feel that he is RIGHT. His belief keeps us going. I understand him when he is possessive and mean. When I hug my mom or sister I love to see him wag his tail impatiently, cz he's in line for the next hug. He can't see me snuggle with my mom, or my mom hugging me for that matter. In that he is so much like me. I am never quite at peace myself when my sister visits and my mom gives her a hug or compliments her more! I would squeeze myself in between them .. how bad of me.. but I do that .. and there I would wanna sit, in the middle of the two most important women in my life.. acting oblivious to the fact that either of them is breathless for want of some elbowroom..i mean literally.To see panther do the same is all the more hilarious. Cz he sometimes can't figure out why oh why he is not the centre of attraction. "What on earth have I done that you humans are cuddling each other! Why's not me instead!", he seems to think.

Panther likes bathing. Ever the water-friendly dog, he enjoys getting wet in the rain too. Just like me. So in a bid to make sure his coat is extra soft and so he gets a complimentary car ride, I have been taking my little angel to doggie parlour where they give him a medicated bath and then dry him off with something that looks like a vacuum-cleaner-in-reverse, in that it blows out warm air instead of sucking it in. He's shampooed, his coat is conditioned and then dry cleaned. Nice and smooth. I can see him enjoying the luxury, as long as I'm in sight. The second he can't figure out where i am, there he would go yelping, barking, all restless. I come back in sight instantly, and reassure my little baby.

But I know Panther is growing old. The black shiny coat that I'm so proud of, now shows streaks of white near the chin and roughly around his wobbly ears. He doesn't have that spring in his feet when I take him for walks and sometimes he gets tired when I go for the second run and wants me to halt. I see all that but then I forget it. I adjust as he wants me too. He wants to walk slow, so that's the way it is going to be.

All this banter about Panther, so well.. Maxie deserves a mention too. A reliable yet catty companion Maxie is as much fun as she always was! In love with Panther like a worshipper. And its amusing cz i have seen her getting real cheeky with other dogs.

And as I type this piece, sitting on a chair with my feet resting on the bed and the laptop on my lap, he's right here on my left-hand-side ..looking up and barking. For what? Beats me. :)

Holding on

Its tempting to fall back into the pit of misery, anxiety, helpless et al - the works, the ever-tempting decay. To be writing endless passages with emotions oozing out in prose from the deepest of wounds, flowing the way blood flows. Aimlessly, effortlessly and singular - 'bebaak' is the word. Its even more tempting to reminisce what's past me, to malign the present and pin up hopes for the future. As if that's the moksha to the death of today. What's now and here? Whattt?

Today Morn

Today morning was a beautiful affair. While sitting in the college cafe, my mind wandered off to similar wet moments which had made me so happy and so insanely ecstatic in the past. And those times seemed to have gone so far away. Or may be I had traveled ahead. The good part was that none of it made me feel lonesome or sad. I did not feel I was missing something. I did not long and I did not look back teary eyed sort of a way. And it all happened naturally. Yes, my heart longed for romance, my hands longed for a hand to hold and to caress.. for a friend who I could perhaps make pakodas with and raise a toast of tea to the serenity around me. The little droplets hanging by the green leaves spake of hope and abundance. How I wanted to capture each swinging drop about to trip into the abyss of nothing and everything! I basked sitting under the shed...the rainfall making crackling noises.. so pleasing to the ear and wholesome in thought. I wanted to record the sound forever. But it is as good I didn't do it for what's rainfall to an habitual ear?

I sat on the table with my feet perched on the bench below and my back resting by the pole sustaining the hood overhead. I had a friend sitting with me.. who shared with me his hopes and plans about life. He happened to tell me about his gf too and by the soft look on his face I could tell he loves her so much. :) It was enriching to see someone in love and yet so much at peace. That's what's love. It is supposed to be an extension of peace and freedom..how many of us actually see it that way? :) But let me not dwell on that topic for there will be no coming back. I was happy because I felt free. I was happy because the raindrops for once did not mix with tears.. did not remind me of sad times but chimed only of hope and abundance.

It wasn't bliss that I was taciturnly celebrating sitting under the shed with hot coffee in hand. It was freedom to be who I am and a teeny weeny proud moment of being the way I am. This normalcy was what I had pined for for so long.

Some more time passed and by then I had gone to the classrooms to join some other friends. I sat on the parapet - something not advisable but very tempting and cosy. I lounged lazily as the rain poured and chatted with friends. The rain had begun to feel what it was meant to be. Perhaps this is how a desolate tree must experience when it sees the maiden sprouts of baby leafs, all soft and fragile, clinging on its barren branches. Almost in hugs.

Here's a li'l smthing I wrote for a friend as I sat under the shed:


As mornin' comes a-knockin
Rain rushes to welcome her in
From behind the glass window
I can see beauty unseen.

With every drop of rain
that dangles by tiny leafs
Reverberate my tiny hopes
and enormous happiness
Your friendship brings.

Let it rain crazy today!
Let us all get stuck!
In this moment, this beauty 
Let us all chance our luck!

Independence Day Special

Independence Day Programme: 

I am going to Di's place and i'm gonna do the cooking! That's the way modern women celebrate independence. Back to the cinders- at their convenience :)

The menu so far: 

1. Appetizers: Chilly Potato

2. First course: Kulcha Sandwiches

3. Main Course: Rajma - Chawal

4. Dessert: Icecream with nuts

And lotsa lotsa Breezer and Old Monk to boot. Kites department being handled by Sir. Me and Di will be caretaking the music and food. :) My friends are also throwing a party so I may go there for a couple of hours. :) 

tête-à-tête

Hey! Had a long day - partly spent at college and partly at home. Post internship, I feel I had been walking with this weight (that I liked) upon my shoulders for a month and suddenly the weight has been lifted but my shoulders pretending not to have felt anything! But I know i'm gonna get used to the college schedule (read being free for most of the working hours) and enjoy being by myself again. 

I am reading a few nice books these days. I recently got a copy of Rabindranath Tagore's Gitanjali at the recommendation of a friend. I read a few passages but just got time to skim. (Actually, I procrastinate with purpose).

Another book I recently bought from dear old colorful delightfully quintessentially Indian and  Dilli-rious Janpath is M.J. Akbar's India- the seige within, which I enjoyed reading immensely some years back and wanted to adorn my collection. It's the most readable, precise, concise, interesting and captivating yet honest portrayal of Indian History-as we know it. Its my book-in-hand these days.

Among my other simultaneous reads is the ever-friendly Harry Potter.. am reading the 5th part for perhaps the 5th time now. Its light, its cool, its kiddish, its fun, its happy..what else does one want before one doses off to sleep or reads first thing in the morning when eyes are still dry and mind disoriented? :) Besides, the first part of Deathly Hallows is about to hit the cinema halls and I wanna go well-prepared, you see. ;) 

Another extraordinary collectible I recently purchased and have read is an anthology on 'Love' by Modern Library. The book is a complete steal - a rare and a classic compilation of perhaps the best of short stories, poetry, ballads, fables, essays and excerpts from English Literature. What would you say if you got the likes of Charlotte Bronte, Jane Austen, Anton Chekov, D.H. Lawrence, Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Samuel Taylor Coleridge et al talking of love and longing in one single bind? And wouldn't your heart do a silent somersault when introduced to the amorous poetry by Donne and Robert Browning? Especially Donne, I must mention. And wouldn't you wanna picture yourself sitting under a tree, singing to yourself, with a basket of flowers and a river softly flowing by, when reading of Greek gods and their trysts with love? I read these all and so loved 'em. There's more I am yet to savour. :)

I am in an exceptionally soft mood today. And no it isn't in reaction to the anthology. I don't know why, but my heart is swaying to something. What is it? What is it?

I watched The Fountainhead today...mustered the will to watch after considerable dilly dallying. Didn't want the images in my head to be washed away with those of the characters in the movie, as it so often happens and spoils the read. But having seen it now, I can safely pronounce it to be a 'safe-adaptation'. The movie is in black and white, little coarse but nice. Had it been balmier or dulcet, it would have besmirched Rand's polemic reputation.


Me thinks.

Misfit

The nights are long and dreary
The days I remember blearily
I wake up jolted.
Insides revolted.
In pain and anguish
left by you for me
as our parting gift.
We were, my darling
- Such a misfit.

Of Lutyen's Delhi, Jungpura, The Statesman House and Me

Hi.. just reached office..the place where I am presently interning. I have been driving to this place (Jungpura) since the past few days now and though it has its pros and cons (opting to drive this far) but I am enjoying the long drive more with each passing day. That's because there's a considerable stretch within Lutyen's Delhi that makes me wanna keep going on and of course music helps. The beautiful  bump-less roads....the majestic greenery .. the fast moving cars and roundabouts, the fact that it's close to Connaught Place..and located near so many museums and legendary buildings with wonderful food joints like Bengali Market nearby and places like Purana Quila -- make me feel I've come home. The area is so nicely lit up at night.. and then there's India Gate to keep me company on one major roundabout. There's a lake nearby and one can see people boating or just roaming about the lush green lawns. They have all the time in the world.. such comfort. :)

Finally the mystery of Lutyen Delhi is revealing itself to me. Now I know why we're supposed to religiously follow the Ashoka Road! It would lead you to every wondeful place there is in this part of Dilli. I always used to wonder how to reach Patel Chowk or may be Pandara Road.. or Zakir Hussain Marg... it all makes so much sense, now that I have driven through it by myself. Earlier, places like Jungpura, Nizammuddin etc. seemed almost beyond my reach for I used to find the route so confusing and befuddling, especially at night. I never thought I could drive myself to these places alone... now it seems like a child's play..I always used to be scared of getting lost in Lutyen's Delhi.. always preferring the lethal combo of auto-metro to reach far flung places.


I am yet to discover where a road emanating from the Blue Tomb roundabout leads to.. I think it leads straight to Lodhi Road. I'm gonna find out soon. There are many more discoveries in the offing! I recently realised that if you keep going straight on Mandir Marg, and not take the left turn you always take, you reach Birla Mandir and thence when you take a right the Kala Bari Marg makes for a better route! And and and if you keep going on that road before you know it, you reach Sacred Heart Cathedral and Bangla Sahib in no time! I can just go on about these little happy discoveries I am making each day.. these roads are opening up to me and I am warming up to them.

This part of Jungpura (called Bhogal), where I come everyday, is not without its 'rustic' elements and the cheeencheeenpopo (blaring din) of traffic and ogling men.. but the place is quite well-situated. I have seen quite a few foreigners as well as refugees putting up here, apart from those working in my own department. Yesterday I went with six of them to a joint called Kabul..an Afghani deli that serves almost zilch vegetarian food.. actually they are unaware of the existence the term 'vegetarian'. The afghani naan and kabuli chana that I comforted my appetite with were so Afghani..the bread was thicker than a coffee-table book and the lentils too sweet for my taste. But because it was so different I liked it better. Shukran shukran I muttered under my breath feeling more outlandish than all my Europian and American colleagues! 

There's another posh locality nearby. That is also Jungpura, albeit epicurean in style. I picture mean lawyers and shrewd men living in those mansions. (ofcrs till I own one) This affluent section of Jungpura is predominantly inhabited by lawyers (the penguin class). There are so many firms in the cubby holes of those big houses that it's definitely a haven for any law student looking for internship. My advice: Just knock on all the doors of the neighbourhood and  plead. Someone will sure take you in. And if no one shows pity on you kindly throw a stone aiming the skies above and it is bound to fall on the head of a lawyer..haha.. :P it'll be fun. 

A few days ago I was waiting for a friend in CP. It was one of those pre-monsoon days that gave us our first taste of heavens pouring. I got down from the auto at Barakhamba Road, already half drenched, but as usual smug about my date with the rains. Acting touristy, as I very often like to do, I took many pictures of the majestic Statesman House which happens to be my favorite building. An edifice I consider an architectural marvel with its grand towers and old worldly stone yet classic design and everlasting, ageless, stark magnanimity and consummate emplacement. I stood there admiring it till I couldn't look up anymore and had to run for cover. As the rain receded, I again stepped on the pavement and took some more pics. The weather was so fine..just perfect and though I wanted to visit the Oxford Bookstore situated within the Statesman House.. I decided not to miss the awesome weather and the wonder that stood towering before me.

The Statesman House

There is more to Statesman House than just the structure it is. There is more to it and that's the reason why I'm so partial to it. It left a lasting memory once, a moment engraved in my senses and espoused in my being. It bechanced as I was ascending the staircase leading up the first floor and as I turned around I could see Connaught Place bursting with energy and spontaneity. Amidst the profusion of colorful neons and ablaze of headlights in motion, I felt the bearing of a raging awareness of raw emotion, repleting with an almost ruthless presence of power and strength. It smacked of opportunity, of abundant possibilities; of so many roads diverging and converging..of the grandiosity of life we take so granted; and the sheer magnanimity of what man can achieve. My heart thumped with each beat. And i felt freer than ever.

Gautam Bhuddha must have felt the same under the Bodhi Tree in Gaya I guess! It was a revelation of what being free meant, of what growing up felt like, of tasting independence for the very first time. I remember I came home that night and in all my newly chanced enlightenment, I jotted down my experience in a diary I used to keep back then. :) It was, and is, one of the most unforgettable moments that I spent with myself :)

So here are two of the pics I took that evening.. hope you lyk these and if you don't, tooo gooooood.. i'm mighty possessive anyway!

Standing tall

Throwing in a pic of India gate.. you have been a good reader.

India Gate by night

Cliché Clichéd!

As I am growing up, and I believe I have grown up more in the past couple of years than the rest of my life put together, I have realized that clichés may be your usual run-of-the-mill things/ beliefs / values.. something you always wanna skip or dodge.. but once you have been there done that (another cliche there!) .. it is these very tiresome clichés you come back to and start to follow. Ideas like 'think positive'.. 'don't lose hope', 'there's always an option', 'don't think about that right now', 'eat healthy', 'keep smiling', 'it will be alright', 'have faith'  etcetra are staring at me back in the face..smiling at me, actually. Because I had so given up on these in my quest for better theories, deeper thoughts which I thought suited me better.

We go about trying to figure out new ways newer means to solve our lives troubles.. whilst the answers are there right in front of us and for so long. In the humdrum of our busy lives and the unyielding wont of complicating things we simply overlook what's been right there .. right there in front of us.. as if waiting patiently..standing cross legged with back resting against the wall..  with knowledge that we'll come around once we have had our little adventures.

And I find this thought so peaceful. That it has been right there. Positive thinking didn't give up on me because I had begun to fear the worst. It didn't stop working for me. It waited. And now that lives problems are getting murkier.. when people are changing along with my priorities.. it's the simple thinking and the clichés that are sticking with me.. holding out for me.. giving me peace and comfort and the ability to move forward!

In line comes the KISS formula... which comes as a breath of fresh air because every once in a while we have to be reminded .. reminded to KIS,S!

I so want to write more.. nothing makes me feel happier than coming here to my hideout in the blogosphere and let the thoughts roll out...am busy these days but would try best to keep comin! 

Love, Neha

  

monologue

Hey

Quick pointers and then i am off:

1. I did study criminology today (for my upcoming exam) and the theories are quite interesting. Captivating enough to engage me for a few hours. I flipped pages actually and slept some..slept some and flipped more pages (kick to self). I can't believe i had twelve.. TWELVE holidays for the last two exams and I have already wasted the first seven days doing nothing but procrastinating (and reading legal fiction with the an attention span that could put my exams to shame)

2. Am filled with FOF (fear of the future)..after law.. how- where- what- along with my deep seated desire of studying abroad..just a tiny-winy short term course in Developmental Journalism or something. FOF is nothing to worry about though.. I am a chronic patient of this malady! And I am cured almost every time. (I can almost hear the alter-ego say, " Girl,don't get so complacent just yet!)

3. I am so in the mood for an evening out. In fact to make matters easier I got nicely dressed! :P Exams do that to me. I get all dolled up .. an excuse to drag my feet some more :P

4. Come July.. and I have lots of plans. Back to crimi!

The Happiness of No Reason!

It is exhilarating for one to have found one’s self after a long time! It is the best home coming one can experience and am I glad! How, where, when it happened I know not. But my days are brighter, there is a smile on my face, there is a joke on my head.. I don’t fret the nights, and I don’t fret being by myself..for a short while it may be, but I am not running from myself. I hope this continues. I don’t know really whom to thank. They say time is the best healer so here’s an ode to time. They say friends are our true saviours.. so here’s a toast and a big big hug to them (( ))

I guess, life is not really just about a lot of highs, it is about climbing each peak, looking back and getting ready for the next plunge, only to embark upon another peak...another bit of happiness. You know what, I don’t know what I am saying! I just know that I am feeling light. Lighter by years, by ages, by degrees, by jove!

I don’t want sound the stereotypical happy happy girl here.. but what else should I be right now! I am feeling strong and hopeful, complete and electric! Ask me how I am doing! Oh ask away! And I shall say I am doing fantastic! :D

Being happy doesn’t mean I am not gonna cry kabhi.. and sharing my happiness doesn’t imply I am not gonna come to you for comfort anymore! I will, re! But as goes Hina and my most wisdomsome (that SHUD be a word by now, u know) ok….I should say most profound coinage: “isi mein hasle”! Cz..who knows if we get the chance later or not.. at least feel what you are feeling now and share the joy and wonder that is the ‘happiness of no reason’.

May the magic never subside!

Neha

Ye Nok Jhonk Shararatein Hain!

Heyaaa!! here is the limca commercial 2010.. an advertisement i so loveeeeee! The expression on the guy's face is so endearing and the girl's reposte so refreshing! Btw.. what better brand could i be sponsoring on my other blog that's so aptly titled Fresh Lime Soda?! Here is a copy of the original post..enjoy!

;)

My introduction to my core

Let me share with you things about a certain people that I always envied. I always wanted a calm mind, more patience in life, a settled conscience, basically peace inside. And I knew it definitely existed. I must also mention here that I am doing fine now. :) I am really really better and I have no intention of opting out of this phase. :)

But I sometimes get anxious and it does me no good. When I meet people who sparingly give a thought to events that are capable of catapulting an entire universe of emotions for me, I realise that I have much to learn. Either these people don’t think or their ying and yang are so in conformity that there is no place for doubt or the need for self assessment! I never want to copy them ( I am too much in love with my erratic, irrational, impulsive self) but for my own peace of mind and to rid myself of superfluous insecurities and anxiety that have come to haunt me for the past year or so, I have sought ways to achieve that state of mind where not everything is charged up and manic. Where there exist periods of tranquility in my mind-- like it used to be in childhood. To top the unsettled mind, my insomniac tendencies don’t let me sleep at night. The ever charged up brain does rock ‘n’ roll inside at the cost of my peaceful sleep. And then I began reading Eat, Pray, Love which revealed to me an alternate defence mechanism which I had inside of me but was more or less untapped until now.

To cut the chase short- I meditated today. Summoning all my belief in my core- the nucleus of my being – the limitless relentless energy that subsides within me, I sat cross-legged on the bed and did the dhyana. I shut my eyes. My hands rested on my shin, gently clasped together. I concentrated into the darkness around. In my mind I kept wading through, descending deeper and deeper into the confines of my being. I calmly discarded all thoughts away from the path I was creating. Like gigantic translucent round objects, the unwanted thoughts would come to me one by one and I would catch hold of them to save my head and would hurl them back into the universe. Never halting in the way. As I'd fling it back the ball like thing would shatter into a thousand little pieces and vanish eventually. No single thought tried messing with my brain again. And when no new thought would come, I tried to softly suppress the voices in my head that were hell bent on conversing with me. Dissuading me from this silly pose I was sitting in and the thing called ‘meditation’. Almost reflexively, I pictured a big brown wobbly chest. The voices were coming out from this chest. I gathered all my strength to shut the chest and once I overpowered it and I sat atop it – cross-legged again.

Now was the time for some good thoughts. I pictured a meadow, all green and serene, with birds and cats and dogs playing around peacefully- a beautiful quite sound filled up my senses.. may be it was the trees. Then I pictured a stream.. a small stream. I walked upto it, barefooted throughout. And I sat down near it. I was bathed in calm and peace by then. It was not bliss I think because bliss has to be extraordinary. But it was the beginning of a belief in this thing that was happening in my head and I was liking it so much there. I had no desire to get up or even move. I must have enjoyed the scenic beauty for a while.

But soon the mind came back to reality and I realised I was on the bed with my eyes closed. My hair stroked my cheek and I wanted to brush them away but I let them be. I felt a tingling sensation on the shoulder but I let that be. I accepted that. Just like I was ready to accept the universe outside and the world within me.

I wasn’t seeking much actually.. I had tried this thing so as to check if there’s any peace inside. I was so on the right path. For once I did NOT do the soul-searching I do all the time. I stopped time for myself. I forbade me to think of the uncertainties of the future and mistakes of the past. For once I tried to truly and completely accept what the universe has to offer. It was not an attempt not to think, but an attempt to choose what to think. I didn’t let my mind wander from the path that I was wading through. The meadow and chest of voices were there but the path was the constant state of mind. It felt as if there were many miles to go, to where I didn’t know. But even the distance made happy because the journey was like nourishing me. There was one more belief now -- that in time the darkness that I was walking and running within would go away and turn to light. The destination as well as the path would brighten up, showing me a beautiful landscape.

I have been confused for a long time now. And I have always ran to people for peace. I always knew it was temporary. But this seemed promising for this was inside of me. No one can take away the core of me. It has abundant - unlimited energy – it IS the source of all energy. I did not decide when to stop meditating. I was completely oblivious of the time. I could have been sitting cross-legged for five minutes or it could have been an hour, for all I knew. But after a while I could feel that I was being thrown out of the delirium! I could feel that the journey was not over and that there are many miles to go but for today it was enough. I could only accept..my core was throwing me out afterall. I said a few nice things that I wanted to say out loud. I could not help but pray a little. Me, Neha the one whose relationship with religion has always been a choice between deciding whether I was an atheist or an agnostic!

I just prayed that let this training continue and that I will come again. When opened my eyes I felt refreshed and calm. For a long long time I had not been this clear-eyed and focussed even after eight hours of sleep.

:)

All this happened in about half an hour (I checked the time afterward) of sitting still and assuming charge. It was not about letting go and relaxation. It was foremost about gaining control. It was accepting and believing that henceforth my core will be the boss of me. Not my heart not my mind. Just that mystical source of power inside of me. I always used to jibe about the things they said about ‘controlling the senses’ in our spiritual sessions in school. I used to think it was an impossible to perform, theoretical effete piece of Vedic knowledge. Now I know better.

This has been possible cz of the Pray part of the book. The belief stemmed from reading it. I hate to imitate or to get so influenced by people or experiences in their lives. I believe in imbibing what I can and should and leaving the rest. But this once it seemed to be the rightest thing to do. I would be foolish not to follow my instinct. :)

Eating, Praying, Loving

Dear Diary,

I have nothing much to say here but confess that i have wasted 2 days back to back. My next exam is of Labour Law but so much has been happening lately in and around me that studying seems to be the last thing on my mind. (Yea yea.. i will i will..just after i finish with you.)

I just listened to this wonderful song from ABBA.. i js love the band.. the songs named 'when all is said and done'.. it is such an honest song.. The first stanza goes like this:

Heres to us one more toast and then well pay the bill
Deep inside both of us can feel the autumn chill
Birds of passage, you and me

We fly instinctively
When the summers over and the dark clouds hide the sun
Neither you nor Im to blame when all is said and done

Anyhow.. i am trying to be as positive as i can be. Trying to fight off the demons of the mind. This time i know i won't buckle down. :)

I have been reading this wonderful wonderful book these days. It's called Eat, Pray, Love.. someone (my jiaji) gifted it to me and I am so happy he did! You know I always think of certain books as a dish or cuisine.. some are too sweet, some too salty.. some too weird but fun and some simply abominable. Some we have to have to finish in one read ..those that flow easily and we are able to swallow the words like noodles or macaroni..there's hardly any patience to chew! Some books are like the mundane food we eat..we'll eat it alright but we won't recall the taste once our plate is wiped clean. A very rare breed are those books which take us with them and make us travel.. like eating authentic food in an ethnic setting.. picture eating authentic Chinese or Thai or Mexican food that makes you feel like you have actually travelled the distance. And then there is the quintessential variety of Classics that are like good old maggie or malai kofta or daal makhni or shahi paneer or parantha or chawal-daal that becomes your staple diet and you order it each time you are ordering not just for the taste but for the familiarity it brings to your table. And then ~ there are books like the one I am reading ~ Eat, Pray, Love..which is like the mouthwatering dessert that you have before dinner and then forget about the dinner! Of course this categorization is in my head and needless to say reflective of my life and times! 

Eat, Pray, Love is not an unputdownable read. It is a book you can re-read. I see it as a chocolate truffle that I wanna relish and savour..trying to keep it rolling under my tongue for longer and longer till it melts and slides! It would be a shame to finish it in one go...the joy of reading does not lie in the end; it is in the journey. More than the book I think the timing for me to be reading it is perfect. There could not have been a righter book for the righter time. The last 'dessert book' to me was The Kite Runner...there are many more names to boot but may be later in the post.

I don't wanna give away why it is doing to me what I so wanted done to me. I just know that while reading it in the last few days I have come across instances and passages that tell my own story and relieve me of burdens i have a habit of carrying around.. I hope I don't sound overt here but I just wanna keep reading it for the simple things of life. And before I shut it at night and switch off the lights..I look at the remaining pages and do an invisible jig inside of me. that there is still halfway to go :)

More when i finish it. And oh- a word to the author- Elizabeth Gilbert ~ "Excellanto!"

PS: more about spritualism later

More dessert books: Jane Eyre, Kite Runner, Life of Pi, Memoirs of a Geisha, and i wont shy away from mentioning ALL Harry Potters. More but later. Have to rush. 

Lots of love

Champak Champak!

Whenever I get on with a book, I have the habit of doing a little research about the author on Google/ Wikipedia. The author's background, childhood, growing up years and education interest me no end. The ups and downs of the writer's life give me food for thought and this way I enjoy the book all the more. May be it's about getting familiar with the life and times in which the book was written. 

Today I was starting with Catch-22 - an e-book version given to me by a good friend of mine. I hadn't even begin with the second page that I felt the urge to know more about its author- Joseph Heller. Among many other things about the author, it also was said that while in his teenage he had written a short story and sent it to New York Daily News, which never got published.

This little anecdote from his life took me back to an anecdote from mine. It was around about the time when I was eleven-years old. I am still retrieving my memory as I type. And its making me smile! Feels like I'm travelling in time! So here's how the recollection goes: When young I used to be all gung-ho about story books - in Hindi/English both. I had a huge collection of Champaks, Nandans, Suman-Saurabhs, Nanhe-Samrats etc etc. And this was before I was introduced to the world of proper books.. except of course Enid Blyton. So, well, I loved reading these children-books, specially Champak! I loved reading it more than I loved cycling in rain, I loved it more than my favourite dish or anything a 5th class girl loves to do! I used to hop on my little cycle and do the rounds of the bookstall even before the chappie had laid out the books and magazines. I am sure that he was positively sick of me, the guy.. and considered me demented! Because though I gave him good business but I was always inquiring whether the newer edition of so & so book/magazine has arrived and the looks he gave smacked of pure exasperation! Every week without fail I used to chance upon some money and buy those kiddo books.. (i never called them comics.. those were proper short-story books, so what if they didn't have a hardcover!) I still don't know how I got the monies..I never remember my parents buying me those fortnightly mags. Though I do remember stashing them away in the cupboard so they don't stumble upon my treasure trove! So, well a little from the drawer, a little from the balance left from grocery shopping and my book-money was secure.. a copy of Champak used to cost Rs. 7 and later Rs.10...the price of other such mags was reciprocal.

So, one fine day, I got up and arrived at the conclusion that I was to write a story and as soon as that was done, I was to send it to a writing competition that was being organised by Champak -- which predominantly carried moralistic tales about protagonists the likes of Pintu, the monkey and Chintu, the rabbit..et al! 

So well, I drafted my story with much deliberation. It had a 'something for everyone' style I thought would enhance my prospects of getting selected! It had an innate twist that my little mind of eleven could foster. And not to mention, it had humans in it, thankfully! It was about how on the festival of Holi a little boy - my hero- saved the day by showing courage and wisdom - how he gallantly fought with my villains - the terrorists- and like an ace champion emerged victorious! Hurrah :P

So well.. I jotted down the story on few sheets of my notebook one evening. Feeling rather smug at the thought of my accomplishment-to-be, I reached my school the next morning. But I was afraid that my dear story would get rejected for the mere fact that my handwriting was nowhere short of being neat, in fact to some it could seem horrible! So I got hold of a friend of mine, whose handwriting I liked best, and begged her to write it down for me. I gave her brand-new sheets out of my practical-file to carry out the favour. Like a goooood friend she wrote it down (thanks, charu!) and next day handed it back. I don't really recall posting it but I think I did send it because I remember being ever-so-eager to buy the next issue of Champak.

:( Alas! My story did not win the competition! Someone else's story about a monkey did. :P

:( And the author's name did not even suggest it was written by someone my age! Not fair, my heart revolted! I was sad but it must have lasted ten minutes. :)

Ye Lo

Dear Diary,

I got up late. Had a glass of water. Read a few papers. And there I was studying away to a good mood. But then I stopped. Like a zombie I roamed around the house. Like a zombie I sprawled on the bed staring at the nothingness above me. I finally got hungry. Feeling little happy about the hunger I went downstairs and had a sandwich. Came up and the zombieness continued. I bathed panther thinking he deserves a bath in this horrid summer heat. I thought something worthwhile, to remember the day by. And then I slept. Until disturbed by the workmen's plans to cut in a part of the wall and slash out some space for god knows which wires. I got up and I went downstairs to watch television—the dumbest thing on earth unless of course if FRIENDS or a similar show is  on. So then I watched some tv and here I am all ready to study. But I thought how about something to write. So though I admit it is in an effort to postpone the study routine that I am typing away this nonsense.

Ok..enough of lazing around. Study girl, study.

Lifting of the Writer's Block

Something is the matter with me. Otherwise why would I not write for so long? A feeling so unfamiliar would keep haunting me, fighting within me. Every time I would decide to write something I would be held back. Writer's block perhaps. This is an effort to lift the blockade.

Words are magical when inscribed. Their magic should never subside.

I write the most when emotions overpower me. I find solace in words and peace in venting. But I would not let the emotions flow..I would not let myself tread even near the gulf of desire and wanting. I am somewhere in between. Halfway to where I belong. But nothing should beat me, halt me, stop me.

Love to all
N

LoVe

The feeling when your legs seem feather-weight, your heart seems to be lifted up with a hot air balloon, up and up and up it flies, light throughout; your lips mouth beautiful songs and your mind is at peace. When all of your good sense and conscience tell you it is right. It is right, oh so right. When no matter what others think you have your path all chalked out. Is that love? Or is it some delusional nonsense we rom-com lovers have been fed over years? That never really holds true in real life?

Sometimes I wonder if real love really exists. And how does it feel like. Does it make one feel fear-free? Does it remain all the time? A friend of mine who is in love for the past many years once told me that it ebbs and flows. I liked the expression but never really understood. I thought it to mean that a time comes when one feels deeply in love and then a time comes when one doesn't.. all this while being in love. The mystery of love is never-ending. And i shouldn't even dare attempt to solve. Life happens.

captures