rain

I want.

More of this rain

To touch me again

make me feel the wonder

the shudder and the thunder

drops on the ground

the drizzling sound

the earth so warm

a stream is born.

Someplace else

li'l droplets form

a river forlorn.

Me? I'm in daze

skin set ablaze

heart out of cage.

The rain treads

on untouched estate

trespasses my person

out on excursion!

to curves forbidden

to spheres hidden

mocking the rules

unstopped - unchecked

transgressing fearless

wandering on me

and how i love it

Nostalgia (my first Acrostic attempt)

Never ending

Oscillations of this

Swinging mind 

Tearful yet tantalising memories

Augment with time

Longing for a beautiful past or

Grief for a loved one sits stored 

In this nostalgic heart

Abandoned, ignored

Written for Acrostic Only

the more things...

The more things change the more they remain the same.. the more i delve deeper into its meaning the more pragmatic and sensible this theory appears to me.. the more i run away, the closer i find myself. So, why not sit still and as a friend said some time back.. "let things happen" rather than inching forward and 'making' things happen. I belong to the latter group almost since birth i guess.. i don't wait for things to happen, i would rather do them. It's a natural tendency that has landed me in trouble more often than i would have liked.

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You know there is a belief in Chinese astrology that says that all the people in the world have certain basic characteristics on the basis of which they can be shelved into one or more categories like wood, water, metal, fire or earth. It says all the people generally have all these elements but the most dominating element can be said to be our personality element. I like to have a theory attached to things specially to my behaviour patters.. it is my way of simplifying my life cz otherwise i am an OCD patient when it comes complexifying things in my head. :) and i won't change.

Here's a link to a test which many would find stupid.. i somehow sometimes enjoy doing these things..am not a believer though, just like to play around. If u want you can try and find out which personality trait you are.. click:  http://lotusinstitute.com/5ElementsQuiz.html

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I wanna write a lot of things but don't want many people to read. Will find a solution to this soon.

madness

what i want i dont get

what i get i dont want

in this rigmarole of giving receiving

and constant expectation

happiness has gone missing

wud a call make me happy?

or is it smthing deep i desire

why do i feel im having to hold on

clutching smthing that isnt there

just so that this moment passes

and i realise that the time is gone

fooling screaming shouting inside

smiling loving accepting at fore

you be yourself all the time

but was it you, were you like this before?

why expect whats not there

why i want to share it all?

i dont get pleasure diary

all i seem to find is pain

i want to be thankful

but inside im insane

im not ready to ask

no no no no no no no 

i dont want to ask

and to get smthing that way

i want to be honest

and to be my best

i manage to be good 

but what about the rest

its not about me, 

im not to blame

i should make the efforts 

but i cant seem to face

im sad

im sad

i dont want to be this way

this aint a poem

the last thing it is is a song

it is an unrhyming bunch of words

woven together forcefully,

trying to resonate 

my life that makes no sense

to my emotions which run amok 

nor there's any rhyme to this prose

there's not even a name you can give to it

just like you don't name a road that leads no where

i leave it abandoned without a trace

School chalein hum!!

Busy with the humdrum of my life.. taking along inside me a heart full of perplexions and reflections, i was walking along the road i take everyday to reach the mainroad from where i take a rickshaw to the metro station. After a lot of days i was feeling light as well as right, my walk reflecting my state of mind- calm, but resolved. I waved to a rickshaw and boarded it. As happens daily, i passed by a school on my way. But unlike everyday, today i couldn't hear the drums and a band being played at its morning assembly nor was there a mêlée of students entering the school premises in their usual fashion. But what i saw brought an instant smile to my face and my mind hurled back to my school days and all the good things it lead to. That's when instantaneously this post took birth in my head. 

There were students outside the school some of them dressed up in their school uniforms, accompanied by their mothers and fathers. They were either going in or coming out of the big black iron school gate. Oh yes, i said to me, it was a PTA meeting, aka Parent-and-Teacher Meet (i've never known what the 'A' in PTA stands for.. 'association', is it?) 

But this was not what made me smile. It was the report cards and fresh stack of books being carried by the students and their parents that brought back sweet memories of the PTA meetings in my school (Kulachi Hansraj Model School, Ashok Vihar, pbui) and how we looked forward to these meets..(err.. ok till primary school we really did look forward to reportcards, ok?) The smell of new books, all bound in transparent book covers and all kinds of practical files and drawing stuff and art books and what not! Stationery material continues to tempt me till date, but the craze to open newly printed school books was surreal and oh! darn me if i let even a crease befall on the spine of my precious new book..NO SIR! Hehe.. it's fad i am yet to overcome! 

Getting the list of books and then ticking all those which were needed for the class i was promoted to..handing it over to the guy across the make-shift bookshop and waiting for my beautiful beautiful stack of books to be placed before me on the table. (later we would count the books and check if all are as per the 'list' ;))  Reluctantly though, but agreeing with Mom's reasoning not to shell money to buy more practical files, colourboxes, notebook covers and other material which wasn't really essential.but was thrown in the list JLT. She would say, "Last year's were still untouched weren't they? Or, sure those could be used again! Or anyway, the neighbourhood shopkeeper sold the same files and stuff at half the price, why not buy from him?.." would go on Mum's explanations. :) It didn't really matter! As long as my books were new and spotlessly clean..who cares about other stuff! Of course the fetish for having uncreased, untouched-looking books always wore out within a few days of study.....

And the Parent Teacher Meet! How nice! To have the teacher say nice things about you to your parents! Nothing like it! I remember i used to beg Mum to visit ALL my subject teachers (english and social sciences one - always. Math? never!) but that never happened cz we were always in a hurry! Wonder why! But we never left without meeting friends and introducing their parents to our parents and getting introduced as well. It was like a mela! Kids of all shapes and sizes (i was in size mouse category, if such exists) leading their parents to respective classrooms to introduce the mata pita to the guru and fir daant shuru! Scenes of some students getting scolded by either the parents or the teacher were usual on these days, their (the student's) imaginary tail between the legs..idher kuan udhar khaai.. PTM par jaan par ban aayi! haha (chuckle!)

Sometimes one would also find teachers being subject to criticism or questioning by a zealous parent, his kid standing horrified..petrified..!!  He now knew his "chandrama".. what future lectures of this teacher would do to him.. the teacher would take his/her revenge in times to come...he knew! 

Me? I was a good student i guess.. except for in eleventh standard.. i don't think any teacher of mine really hated me. Nice marks, good overall score.. ofcourse my name was always innocuously missing from the list of school toppers but i generally secured some rank in class till 8th std and after that it was usually 80 % and above. Now, that was some contentment, rank was never into our list of coveted things in higher classes!.. we had better things on our mind! 

:)

Coming back to the books part.. i remember what a treat the English Interactive Reader used to be! So many new stories! The session wouldn't have begun and i would have read the whole book..such zest! and when in class the teacher would ask.. "Has anyone cared to read this text?".. Up went the hands of those who had! Mine included.."Yes, ma'am, i have".

 

Random Express

Emotions.. why do they loom large over all of us? Those of us who are in touch with our spiritual side as well as those who just touch the surface, never taking the plunge. I keep diving in the abyss of good old thinking about life. I keep doing that.. reading people.. trying to picture life on a chessboard and trying to place people, situations in on it.. trying to see from up above.. trying to know why where what. 

I wish things were different. I wish my life was fuller, happier and greener. The plant of life has withered away.. no leaves no fruit just a dried bush it has become. (Too many metaphors?) This does not mean I don’t value what I have.. 

I want to be happy again. How did it feel? Do I remember? I hate it if/when someone calls me a pessimist.. I think I'm not, but I won't plead my case.. I have been told it is important to do it..so i am trying these days.

Pessimist is one who can't see the greener pastures even if they are there; Optimist is one who thinks he is on the greenest patch, Realist is one who realises there are better grasslands when he misses softer grass and tries to do something to make better this one?; Dreamer the one who wants the perfect meadow, complete with the horse and the hound.. rain and the cloud..with a stream nearby and the gushing sound. I think Realistic and Dreamer have a purpose..the other two are pitiable but yes, they are happier. (btw what happens if you switch the analogies for the Pessimist and the Optimist above? They still fit perfectly don't they? Same difference.)

Is dreaming too bad? They say you should dream but when you do what happens? Nothing really, till you channel your dream into actions and conviction that it can be done. And even if it leaves you saddened, don't give up as long as the rein is in your hands cz dreaming is the next best thing to achieving. 

Most successful people are those who sell dreams, the most lauded bunch of words are those that motivate you to dream (remember, "I have a dream"- speech or "You can win"); the most enjoyable moments of our lives are when a dream comes true. However tiny-winy it maybe. Even if it’s of the same ilk as eating an icecream at midnight.

But let’s be honest, dreaming is dangerous too. 

 

no words

Little hands

Tender and soft

Her body fragile

Asking to be aloft

 

Her eyes shine

darkbrown like mine

Look up at me

talk silently

 

Tiny fingers

Slightly clutch

My finger, and I,

Love the touch

 

I leave the work

And lift her up

“My baby’”, i say

“I love you so much”

 

The baby had felt

this love before

unsaid, unspoken

even in the womb

But this was special

my eyes turned moist

my bundle of fulfilment

a lifetime's trust

March 2, 2009 

I met a month old baby today. She is my friend's niece. (it's her pic) It felt as if this child was magical. She is beautiful. Coincidently when going about my documents folder i stumbled upon this poem i had written long time back. Reproduced above.