Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Before i Kick the Bucket

We all gotta die right..? Who knows i might be the next in queue.. so here is my bucket list.. full of conventional as well as eccentric stuff.. things im most passionate about:

1. Get a tattoo ;) favourably on shoulder or near the ankle..a small, classy, artistic one

2. See my name on the cover of a book.. (as an author!)

3. Do something risky very very very risky but adventurous.. like getting lost in a jungle perhaps? or ok forget it, i would settle for a bike ride in the himalayas..

4. To go tipsy and dance to my hearts content..!! (this can be arranged, no?)

5. To get some real nice feminine summer dresses and get a photo-shoot done near Lutyen's Delhi!

6. To have panther lick my hand with love once.. he never does.. i dnt want to die without panther licking my hand..

7. Finish my "Happy Book" with Hina.. those know about it know about it

8. To make my own house.. i mean.. to be able to have large windows, green green very very green plants, my kinda furniture and loads of stuff in my mind that i hope to do in my home.. my own home.. i may not live there.. bt i wanna let loose my creativity in that one place

9. Err.. ok, this may sound cheesy but i would like to have a baby before I die.. i mean, who doesn't? But then, who will take care if her? I will think of something. Don't worry.

10. To hug everyone i love and get them together somehow and have a living funeral-cum-party..

ok, cant think of more right now..would jot in as i feel another eccentric thought building up in my mind!

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Growing Up

What's growing up? Is it the realisation that the beliefs you nurtured and imbibed all these years were nothing? That all you liked about yourself was actually delusional nonsense. That all you despised and hoped never to be is what the world demands that you be. It is a difficult realisation, one that only reminds you of what could have been instead of what should have been.

All our lives we think of standing up for what is right, for doing what is right and for having the grit and the determination to face all odds. To be strong when going gets tough, to not give in, then what happens when in love? Why we falter when the one's we have to stand up to are our own people?

I have seen myself doing things i should not have done. I have seen myself give in a times when i should not have. All for love. It was not a sacrifice but definitely a foolish obligation that i kept serving subconsciously. I must have been sure of getting the same in return. That didn't happen.. one was left bereaved.. then what? What right does one have against one's own? Indifference is the best way I used to think, but what if something as much as a scratch on someone leaves you in a state of panic? What do you do then?

Or is growing up just a phase that keeps returning to us.. today what i believe would look kiddish tomorrow, but after a while in some other situation, i would realise those old beliefs were true, innocent and so very pure.

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Growing up is looking back and laughing at our most 'serious' moments..

All through my childhood i wanted to be an adult, and now that i am one, I yearn for the child in me...

A window to the past, a channel to the future, yet always in the present..thats "growing up"..

The Dark Post

I type in darkness..nothing romantic about this.. its not pitch dark but darn enough for me to be making mistakes. So watch out for that. I'm trying my best here! Something has happened with electricity today... the ac is on, the fan isn't, the tv is on, the doorbell isnt, the fridge is on the tubelights aren't. My very own spooky house! I remember long time back i watched a film on star movies in which there was a "electric ghost" in a house where there was a baby sitter attending to a kid.. they were alone and strange things begun to happen.. i don't recollect the name or the climax of the flick but it had us enthralled, me and my cousins.. we were camping in the basement those days, it was my Bua's wedding day i guess! heh

You know what's the most impertinent, irritating and the oft-repeted question being asked to me day in and day out? It goes like this.. "How's Life?", or "What's up?"., "Did you get the internship you were looking for?"..blah blah blah.. A month back i wouldn't have believed it had someone told me that even after one month of you exams you would be sitting at home.. doing nothing but blogging..everynow and then.,, i would have looked at the soothayer with narrowed eyes, armed my face with a questioning look, coupled with the words, "bah! im not gonna be home".. but well.. here i am, this is me.. sitting at home.. and wat's the date? June 6-- precisely a month has passed since my exams ended (well, the courts are closed aren't they??? i give me this feeble excuse)

I tried and tried and tried and now i am doing nothing but waiting for one Ms Varsha from MARG to return from Patna...uske baad mujhe hai usko Patana..and Internship lagwana. :) Don't expect better poetry, i can hardly see anything here..all i have for my rescue is the glow emanating from the laptop screen. I wanna read but can't do that unless i sit in the heat outside, which i wanna avoid.

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Today's newspapers are full of dates and years and memorabilia.. been 25 years that Hindu-Sikh Riots happened in 1984, been 20 years since Tianmen Square massacre...and my weak and non-issue statistic of one month having elapsed since my exams came to an end.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

fkdknkldhknkdsvls :)


dear blog



Im not feeling at peace with myself. I had strange dreams last night.. and not just one but many. All of them were so engrossing and thrilling that i feel like i hardly slept. Apart from the tiny-winy details i don't think i recall the substantive part of my dreams. But they seem to tell me even more than ever how unsettled my mind is and how I seek some fulfilment, some poise and composure back in my life. Its as if my legs are wobbly and my mind is floating. No I didn't drink at all last night. I don't like to drink. Shhhhhhh..

I just want to go out of Delhi. All alone preferably. I wish i could just pack my bags, put in a camera, stuff some good things to eat and take off for places unknown. I want to reach the railway station, not knowing where i'm headed.. hitch hiking thats called isn't it? Then i want to hitch hike the hell out of hitch hiking. Recently I got an offer to work in Ahmedabad and I wanted to jump and grab the opportunity. But i couldn't.. lets not even go to the reasons.



I have lots of work to do today and some i have already done. Feels nice to be working by 9 o'clock. I have deliberately and with much effort changed my sleeping pattern so as to get up early and go for a run with Panther and Maxie. They make my day. So now I sleep early and get up early. I had a horrible routine these past 3-4 months..i used to sleep around 3 or 4 and get up around 9 or 10..couldn't sleep for longer as Panther would start barking his head off by then..and the whole day would be spent in daze.

I need a car asap. I really do. 



what else can i moan about today? now that my head is not at its usual place. Yesterday night i got afraid. Why? Reading Harry Potter. I know anyone would laugh at me but something in it made me watchout for flying curtains and whether the doors were latched properly. I like to be afraid sometimes.. cz i don't get afraid of "ghosts" too often..so i enjoy the feeling of being afraid of the unknown! Even Exorcist didn't scare me last time and the trip to Scary House with Hina had me in splits!..well, no marks to me at the scary house as more than scary it was funny and the way Hina was shouting at the ghosts, "don't touch!" i was half rolling on the floor! 



I bought 2 boos some days back. Tuesdays with Morrie and The Last Lecture, both of these im yet to begin with. Have been on a Harry Potter tour all these days, one after the other i have picked up Potter and how i love them. I even love Kreacher now.



i like writing like this.. unmindful of the vocabulary, spellings, paragraphs and best of all, topic! there is no topic, thats the topic! heheee



bye blog, i have to get ready and get going. love ya so much

next time when i write i pomish to be more shenshible. hic hic hic!