Midnight Rumblings

Love..the most understated overstated emotion... we do it, we make it, we define it, we lose it, we look for it, we cant do without it, we give it, we humour it, we seek it, we wait for it, we just cant do without it. And then, one fine day along it comes. But it goes and we do move on..hark, is there a choice? So what's the sense in placing it on such high a pedestal from where one becomes a slave to it? Why do we even take ourselves so seriously? Why do we expect that all shall be just! How dare we imagine that good shall befall us! Don't bad things happen to people? Don't people die? Don't people take their own lives? Don't we change with time? Doesn't our love, our priorities, our being, our taste change? Even our perception changes and for the better, right? So why do we expect that we shall get lucky? Who promised us that? No one but us. We ourselves promise this to us and for that to happen we act accordingly..fair enough till now..but if things don't go too well..do we have the right to cry foul? There was no contract and neither was there an understanding. There was nothing except two fingers crossed in 'touchwood'. Life is a set of promises we make to ourselves.. most of them come true.. but sometimes some don't. And it should be ok isn't it? One IS that strong. One HAS got to be strong.

Hmm...since when did I become pessimist about love?! I dont know what the real problem is. Not having or not getting to have? All in the background of not wanting to have!

8-) smile no matter what.

I should sleep now.

But but but first about the wedding:

Since i have been taking you through the wedding, let me finish the narrative. We were up all night yesterday.. the 'phere' took place somewhere around -6 am today morning.. saw the dawn breaking.. was beautiful..whilst the shlokas were being chanted. Not many people had stayed back for the whole night.. and some were very sleepy.. I was wide awake.. enjoying myself..endless cups of coffee and some roasted nuts doing the rounds. These wedding rituals enthral me. I can feel it. The panditji explained to us the vows the bride and the groom had to take..was a set of 7 vows for the groom and 5 for the bride. After each of their vows they had to say "tathastu".. in acceptance. I found the vows wonderfully crafted.. infact they were quite woman oriented..and forward looking.. one even made the groom promise that wherever he goes he would have to accept that the bride is in fact his lawfully wedded wife and that she shall also have a right to call him her husband. That the guy, even in his office and amongst fellow female colleagues would not deny that he is married to this bride. ;) The vows also inadvertently made clear that her money is her money and his money is their money. Smart. While all this was going on.. there had to be performed the necessary rasam of joota chupai...the fellas on the guy's side.. had for the whole of the night kept the jootis to themselves.. not even letting us have a single look..but in the end we did manage to secure one joota...it was when all of the joota guys fell asleep on the sofas that my cousin brothers did a guerilla warfare kinda thing and caught them unaware. It was a brilliant strategy. And it turned out pretty funny..seeing their shocked faces! If you can't beat them, tire them, I said.

The wedding complete..we went to a temple and then to the bride's home..from where the vidai (farewell) was to be done. It was an emotional moment..and really touching. Moments like those can never be explained the way they are felt..so I'd better refrain. It got tough trying to hold back tears..she is going no where! But still! So much shall change, wouldn't it? I just wish her a fabulous married life...with all her and her husband's vows coming true.

Around 9 we came back home and I slept straight off for how many hours I know not.. got up only in the evening..feeling happy with myself for having slept so soundly after a long time.

PS: a few points:

1. I think all bfs and gfs should also take sm vows. ok, kidding. but not really kidding.

2. The groom..ie.. my jeez..is a soft shy person..quite likeable. But the guys'-side could have been more big-hearted for us saalis.

3. I felt nice in the saree.

The D-Day and the H-Hour

Today is the wedding day and well.. the most casual day of all.. no frantic running about is taking place.. no yelling or verbal bomb-shelling either.. We skipped the morning function cz well..we all needed the sleep.. my mum-dad have gone though. Evening is going to be a hectic affair and so is the night.. as for me I have set my H-Hour as 6 o'Clock and hope to ready by then. Being the Bride's younger sis has its side-effects! I have started taking hours getting ready.

Last night's sangeet was good albeit there was no sangeet..but a DJ party with some of my brothers and sisters giving their individual performances..including the bride. One of the best parts was the ball dance by the elder couples like my mum dad, masa-maasi, mama-mami..that too with my dad on one knee! Touché!

Even among so many people.. something seemed missing.. or is it just me..? Every now and then I wished to turn to the balcony be alone for while and then return and do a jig or two. As if on auto-pilot mode. Nothing should be missing no more.

What else? I am looking forward to studying once the wedding is over. 'Looking forward'??? you would ask scornfully.. but yes I am in a way.. specially Constitutional Law.. but that can wait..the other subjects need my attention much more.

My birthday is round the corner. Lets give this one a skip, shall we? Bah.

Lvya.. if you have been, thanks for reading. (the Karan Thapar way of extending thanks)

PS: a boring post i know

Of laziness and work-to-do

Dear Diary,

Good Morning...

I missed college today as there was so much to do for the wedding..and also cz i was feeling sleepy. The dresses are still at the boutique's and so much more needs to be checked and done and tried and blah blah.. I am also pretty tensed about my exams for i have not studied a bit and after the wedding and my birthday i would hardly have two-weeks time to mug up all the Acts, and sections and cases and theories and ok..lets not get started on this topic for there is no end to it.

Frankly, I got nothing much to post today. Just that I realised I could directly post from my my gmail account and I feel like trying it out.

Thankfully I am better healthwise these days and have shifted back to my place. There is so much writing that I want to do but don't have anytime for. Come December I am going to try and give shape to the ideas in my head...most of them on a standby, in the Drafts folder of my email account or my cellphone. :)

There is also some non fiction stuff that I want to write. About news, politics and social issues basically. And yeah..there was also that diploma course in constitutional law that i was so keen in doing. Didn't get the time to visit the institute. Bah.

So.. next week this day is my birthday. Hmm... Neha turns 22. Cute, innit? Scary too. Monday..hmm.. i was born on a Monday too. Charlotte Bronte is quoted as saying 'as unromantic as a monday morning'..oh..what does she know? heh.. If it were in my hands I would postpone my birthday to come after the exams. JLT.

Ok, now I guess enough of blabbering.. I should get up and get set to do allll that needs to be done. Afterall..the Great Indian Wedding is about to commence. :)

But first lemme tell you the programmes:

Tomorrow : Haldhaath ie.. a paste of haldi chandan etc is applied on to the bride.. so as to prepare her for the wedding and get her all beautiful and gorgeous.

Day After: In the morning it is Bhaat and Teeka Ceremony. ie..the Mamas of the bride give her blessings and gifts and money as their contribution to the wedding

The same day in afternoon: Mehendi..which is basically applying henna on the palms of all girls..including yours truly 

The same day in the evening : Ladies Sangeet which is actually Ladies and Gentleman Sangeet.. followed by DJ party..dancefloor and all

The Next day ie.. wedding day.. well, wedding..which involves the Jai Mala, Phere (seven-steps around the Holy-Fire), delectable delights, dancefloor, video camera person putting people in limelight, playing hosts (we are the ladkiwala you see), and making the guests feel at home, lotsa small rasams which i dont know nothing about, and then the Vidaai..all this while trying to hold on to my saree like I would to my dear life..

And most importantly in the background all these 3 days would be played and sung and hummed -- the traditional Rajasthani and Marwadi folk geet sangeet..which involves lyrics we can barely understand..but very nice music..without which no wedding could be complete.

OK, now finally time to shirk the lethargy..carpe diem! here i come..

Baat Ki Baat- Shivmangal Singh 'Suman'

Another masterpiece i just came across.. it is by Shivmanal Singh 'Suman'.. you must have read some of his works in Hindi textbook in school. Beautiful..beautiful piece of poetry.. straight from the heart..

बात की बात

इस जीवन में बैठे ठाले

ऐसे भी क्षण आ जाते हैं

जब हम अपने से ही अपनी-

बीती कहने लग जाते हैं।

तन खोया-खोया-सा लगता

मन उर्वर-सा हो जाता है

कुछ खोया-सा मिल जाता है

कुछ मिला हुआ खो जाता है।

लगता; सुख-दुख की स्मृतियों के

कुछ बिखरे तार बुना डालूँ

यों ही सूने में अंतर के

कुछ भाव-अभाव सुना डालूँ

कवि की अपनी सीमायें है

कहता जितना कह पाता है

कितना भी कह डाले, लेकिन-

अनकहा अधिक रह जाता है

यों ही चलते-फिरते मन में

बेचैनी सी क्यों उठती है?

बसती बस्ती के बीच सदा

सपनों की दुनिया लुटती है

जो भी आया था जीवन में

यदि चला गया तो रोना क्या?

ढलती दुनिया के दानों में

सुधियों के तार पिरोना क्या?

जीवन में काम हजारों हैं

मन रम जाए तो क्या कहना!

दौड़-धूप के बीच एक-

क्षण, थम जाए तो क्या कहना!

कुछ खाली खाली होगा ही

जिसमें निश्वास समाया था

उससे ही सारा झगड़ा है

जिसने विश्वास चुराया था

फिर भी सूनापन साथ रहा

तो गति दूनी करनी होगी

साँचे के तीव्र-विवर्त्‍तन से

मन की पूनी भरनी होगी

जो भी अभाव भरना होगा

चलते-चलते भर जाएगा

पथ में गुनने बैठूँगा तो

जीना दूभर हो जाएगा।

-शिवमंगल सिंह 'सुमन'

Manushyata- Maithilisharan Gupt

Hey! I am so so so thankful to those people who have tried to digitise this poetry.. i have grown up listening my mom hum this poem in kitchen.. I memorised it in school days for I liked it even then .. she would explain the meaning to me. Today i found myself humming it out-of-the-blue.. take a read and, well, i wish i could post the 'tune' in which it is to be hummed.. it makes the poem all the more beautiful..

Those who are more comfortable reading the English script: click HERE.

मनुष्यता

विचार लो कि मर्त्य (mortal) हो न मृत्यु से डरो कभी,

मरो परन्तु यों मरो कि याद जो करे सभी।

हुई न यों सु-मृत्यु तो वृथा मरे, वृथा जिए,

मरा नहीं वहीं कि जो जिया न आपके लिए।

यही पशु-प्रवृत्ति है कि आप आप ही चरे,

वही मनुष्य है कि जो मनुष्य के लिए मरे।

उसी उदार की कथा सरस्वती बखानती,

उसी उदार से धरा कृतार्थ भाव मानती।

उसी उदार की सदा सजीव कीर्ति कूजती,

तथा उसी उदार को समस्त सृष्टि पूजती।

अखंड आत्म भाव जो असीम विश्व में भरे,

वही मनुष्य है कि जो मनुष्य के लिए मरे।

सहानुभूति चाहिए, महाविभूति है वही,

वशीकृता सदैव है बनी हुई स्वयं मही।

विरुद्धवाद बुद्ध का दया-प्रवाह में बहा,

विनीत लोक वर्ग क्या न सामने झुका रहे?

अहा! वही उदार है परोपकार जो करे,

वहीं मनुष्य है कि जो मनुष्य के लिए मरे।

अनंत अंतरिक्ष में अनंत देव हैं खड़े,

समक्ष ही स्वबाहु जो बढ़ा रहे बड़े-बड़े।

परस्परावलम्ब से उठो तथा बढ़ो सभी,

अभी अमर्त्य-अंक में अपंक हो चढ़ो सभी।

रहो न यों कि एक से न काम और का सरे,

वही मनुष्य है कि जो मनुष्य के लिए मरे।

"मनुष्य मात्र बन्धु है" यही बड़ा विवेक है,

पुराण पुरुष स्वयंभू पिता प्रसिद्ध एक है।

फलानुसार कर्म के अवश्य बाह्य भेद है,

परंतु अंतरैक्य में प्रमाणभूत वेद हैं।

अनर्थ है कि बंधु हो न बंधु की व्यथा हरे,

वही मनुष्य है कि जो मनुष्य के लिए मरे।

चलो अभीष्ट मार्ग में सहर्ष खेलते हुए,

विपत्ति विप्र जो पड़ें उन्हें ढकेलते हुए।

घटे न हेलमेल हाँ, बढ़े न भिन्नता कभी,

अतर्क एक पंथ के सतर्क पंथ हों सभी।

तभी समर्थ भाव है कि तारता हुआ तरे,

वही मनुष्य है कि जो मनुष्य के लिए मरे।

-मैथिली शरण गुप्त

News and banter

News & Banter

1. Sir and I gave a nice last minute surprise to my sis on their wedding anniversary.. all day long they had been visiting family and nothing substantive had happened to celebrate their day. Sir and I planned a little surprise and just when she came out of the bathroom.. little teary-eyed (cz acc to her he had left her alone on their wedding anniversary night to go get the tyres checked from some mechanic! Totally unacceptable behaviour, according to us gals. :) He had a actually gone looking for flowers and cake and stuff..)

So well.. the moment she came out there we were.. Sir and I .. a little cake in a small plate with a burning candle...all lights switched off and two bouquets of flowers-- one from him to her and other from me to both of them..:) was a wonderful moment..and just as she saw the cake and the entire setting, I played the ever romantic Pehla Nasha..on my mobile phone. Her mood uplifted in a nanosecond and there they were..my favorite couple in the world..wishing each other and even trying their hand at ball dance!

It was a nice simple celebration.. followed by a photosession of theirs. :) Sweet and simple..

2. Diwali was as usual about diyas and loved ones with countless rounds of flash...one night we were even up till 5 am..

3. I have developed a serious allergy to dust/cement etc and this could be the reason for my bad health these past 3 months i figured out. Construction work on at full swing here..and when you can't breath easy you can hardly do anything worthwhile. Finally, I could take no more of the incessant coughing and unmanageable breathlessness at my place..so I have temporarily shifted base to Di's place for the night.

4. Panther is a darling..he proves it everyday when i take him for a run and unleash him in the park. Just as there would be considerable distance between him and me..he would slightly look up.. cock his ears as if to hear me calling him.. and then sprint towards me as full velocity so that i run ahead of him and there we go playing pakdum pakdai..! God Bless Him.

5. My exams are coming up and so is my cousin's wedding. I have to study so much that for the first time i am really afraid. This time there are two subjects that i have no interest in..ie..Taxation and Business Association.. i hope to manage the latter but for the former i have talked to my neo-CA brother..who says he could get me prepared for the subject in less than a week. I have my doubts. ;)

6. I get sad smtimes..i act like a kid smtimes and like a kid i go and admit. I did it again this week. Give me some time. I am like this only.

7. About my cousin's wedding: for the sangeet programme.. we have all decided to give a danceperformance each..now had it been a debate on the topic "should she get married?" i would have fared well both for and against the motion! but dance? phew.. i like to dance to music in parties and all where all are dancing and no one's really looking.. i do enjoy that a lot.. but performing on stage in front of people i dont even know..i have my doubts here too.

BTW to boost my confidence: I remind myself of the time when i came 3rd and won a big Nataraj trophy for my dance on "Banno re aise kyu sharmaaye" hehh... ok, the less said abt the Mithun song the better! But i really enjoyed the accolades i got that day.. my sis tells me that mum and dad were also called on the stage along with me to receive the award "Is chhoti si pyari si bachi ke parents bhi please stage par aayein..and everyone! a big round of applause for the little girl.." aah! those were the days of my stardom. :P..

Well.. now that we are talking about dancing, apart from stupid group dance on school stage, once we had gone to an Old Age Home as members of the School Rotary Interact Club. All these friends of mine (we were a group of 6 gals till 10th) .. we paired up and gave a performance on Dil Chahta Hai's "Wo ladki hai kahan" with all the flapping step and the jumping etc. :) But that was when I was very young and had little sense of i-dont-know-what-exactly. Now it seems difficult..specially cz that little nataraj-awardee never danced much after that. So what do i do? Which song and whom to pair up with me? Cz alone i CANT dance on stage. But I want to! It would be thrilling and plus I would overcome this silly fear!

8. Ok, would study a bit now. Partnership Act, it is.

PS: Watch this space for pics

Fatal Attraction (Acrostic)

This acrostic i did long time back..somehow was never convinced enough to publish it. It's got no underlying tone.. no innuendo either! Just perhaps the satirical musings of an AIDS patient. I really don't know if I like it. :) Yours to judge now.

Frozen in time

Awed by you..

Thoughts of your obsession

Alluring antagonising me

Languishing in the lap of death

Accentuated desire,

Tormented heart,

Tumultuous conscience or was it the

Raging hormones? I know not. But

AIDS is how I know it

Call it a disease, yes, but

To me - a dead-end. and

I walk on..

On the road to the morgue

Never again to get lucky in your obsession!

Opportunity (Acrostic)

Occult challenges

Pretending disguised, a

Palanquin of problems

Obliquely comes by

Robed in the gown of luck

This could be your chance

Unfolding before you

New path debouches.

Imagine the triumph!

Take up the reins!

You strike the goal

love love me do!!!

I am out of the mess. I know what my instincts say. Der laga di i know.. but I'm good! 


And as i said to my dear friend just now.. "Pleasure is Me! So long as i'm Free!"

No one is responsible for my happiness.. the reins of my life are in hands of my own... :) No more looking back..no more crying tubs.. no more oh no more! A clear conscience..a clear mind.. a clean heart.. i got it all!!

Love you NEHA!!! Hugs n kisses!