The other kind of moving on

 

I think I am moving on. From my childhood. The phase which I had so far tried to keep hidden in me, wrapped under many veils, somewhere in my core..to be taken out every now and then when I was most happy and with the people I loved. It's not an intentionally conceived decision that I have taken, in fact it is not a decision.. it is just happening and I can feel it. And strangely I feel nostalgic.. cz one day I would wanna come back to the same situation in life.. at the same threshold of being the little one.. I hope I meet someone who lets me be a kid all my life.. even when im 60 or 80. I could ofcourse do the caring/looking after, but I would want to be treated as a kiddo.. I feel so comfortable in that skin. Perhaps being the youngest at home has percolated down to my very being. To be thought of as the little one is how I am most 'at home'. That's what I seek. But things have already begin to change so much at home and so rapidly.. as if the ground beneath my feet is turning into sand. It is taking place so fast that I hardly feel I have the time to collect some keepsakes and some memories. Of course it must be happening inside somewhere within the subconscious. Am thankful for that. But well, seeing one's parents age is tough... I was the youngest at home who was always taken to the doctor by mum/dad and never had to take them to one. But now the reverse is happening. I do like to be thought of as a responsible adult..and it is good for me.. but it sometimes makes me feel so out of place and afraid. Perhaps it would need some time to settle down -- the fact that barely a couple of months later I am going to be their only daughter at home. I will, of course.. I mean I AM, doing all I can to take care of them at present too, but after my sister's wedding I will not only be a lonely child (see, again i write child) but one who is no longer a child.. but is supposed to be a responsible adult..to be taking proper care (and without fail) of people who were till now taking care of me. I had gladly and for too long donned the 'bacha' tag.. time will fast come to wear that off.. will I ever be able to put it on again?

I don't know what I have written..or why I feel so.. perhaps it is one of the misgivings of being so sensitive! Having poured out my apprehensions, I am feeling better already! I am a one-gal army! Can take it all.. and much more! :) Bring on!

Love to all,

Me

PS: I see..just noticed that this is my 99th post! Have travelled far and wide with this blog.. and I love it dearly :) Next post shall be a celebration! Yippee!