mood

'Mood' is a luxury these days. Meant for those who can afford to 'have' it or 'not have' it. I find myself bitter right now. As if some godawful pill has been thrust inside my mouth and pushed down my throat leaving an acrid taste on the tongue and insides of teeth.

But then I topple and I get up...and I see around. I drink some water of calm and see things afresh. I realise its all part of the deal and then I carry on. I am happy I am not on stage, I am happy to be the protagonist of my own story and still be behind the scenes. 

What is my story? What is the story of my life? Would like to answer that in detail sometime without sounding too dramatic. Nothing special about my life .. other than the people I know. They are all special for sure.

I am writing just for writings sake.. the only other thing that gives me this feeling of control is when I am behind the wheels and the road is smooth... when i maneuver my car ..zipzapping it from behind and waving slower cars a suave goodbye. Being a smooth smart skillful driver makes me feel I am my boss.. and makes me feel better. It mostly takes care of sullen moods.  

Coming back to 'mood'.. it really is a luxury. And sometimes it is all a lot of gibberish.

panther

I spend these days seeing my panther trying to get up and fall..struggling against his body..but keen on his will. He still looks like he is smiling and laughing. Only he can laugh at his own miseries, as tears run down my cheeks.. wetting his stretched paw. I've seen my baby jump and holler..i've seen him pine and dance.. I've had moments where he seemed to tell me to be strong. D same darlin is now lying low by my side.. Barkin an occassional bark..as if calling out to me.. but when I go to him he says nothing. I don't know wat he asks from me as he barks out loud and clear as if d disease is flippant still. He has gotten angrier than ever now.. Perhaps he's tryin to make me unlove him.. Or perhaps dat wud be a long shot. I dont know which dawn wud be d last for him..or which dusk wud take him away..as i see him look at me wid his ever so deep dark eyes.. I want to tell him all wud be fine. But i know nothin will.. I know nothing will... I lv u yaar mere.. kyu ja ra hai yaar .. Mat jana kahin.. Mere paas reh ja.. Theek ho ja na..

im all broken yar.. I lv u myjaan

Can I just talk a bit here?

 

I am feeling very lonely.. panther is getting worse with each passing day. His hind legs are not working now. To see someone you have brought up give up eating, walking, playing or even seeing is heart-wrenching. I don't know if you or anyone will understand bcz to everyone he is just a dog. But for me he is my most beloved buddy and partner and witness to all my years of growing up and becoming the person i am. I was 13 when he came home and since then my life has revolved around his choosticks, his jumping, his barks and even his ticks that I so fervently tried to get rid off. I've bathed him, combed him..put him to bed and watched him silently as he slept his cozy sleep.. I have brought him up like a child and now suddenly he becomes a dog..who people say die usually at 10 or above age. How an that be fair..someone do something :((( i will do anything to see him up and about again.. i lv him so much that its tough to keep it inside of me..

 

His is the only identity card in the world which has my name as owner. I bought bday gifts for him.. Who totally belong to me. Who i decide for. How to let my heartbeat go?

 

How to handle this pain?

 

I am not new to pain, I have had times when I had to let go of people I loved..I have felt worse before .. even more helpless than now..at least I have panther in sight..but with all my honesty, I feel this is too much for me. God. Don't make me move on again. I dread to attach cz i will have to leave.

 

I love him dearly. Don't make him suffer. I can't bear to see him sad and forlorn. Does he know how much i love him? Does he know?

 

No one can ever understand this pain.. i knew such days would come some time.. but so soon? He is a kid..why don't they understand? He is so small..so naughty..and so much like a baby..

 

How can I ever let my heartbeat stop..

 

I know may be I should not be putting this all down here. But I have nowhere to go. Feeling so lonely so lonely and so sad.

raindrops

I hear the raindrops hit an iron ledge with a 'clink' ... and each time this happens, the drop fractures into countess driblets heading in all directions. Some tap the windowpane, the ambitious ones join the water sprawled about and a few nascent ones I am sure remain suspended in mid air. Drops on the window ultimately spiral down.. like a slithering serpent. Those that make their own way form puddles. The trajectory these droplets draw is nameless, pathless and devoid of an audience. Why can't our lives be like these? All of us in our clammy little worlds are trying to be the ultimate raindrop! But in the fag end are we not mere raindrops still?

metro ki chehal pehal mein..

metro ki chehal pehal mein

tumhare kad ke ladkon mein

tumhein dhundte paya hai maine

dil se ladte jhagte

paao patakte

khud se naraaz

khudi ko manaya hai maine

Ankhon ki nazar se paar

jahan andhera hai aur ujala bhi

us sifar mein jaha kuch nahi

ek sapna sajaya hai maine

Jahan bheed hui

wahan tum bhi hoge

isi udher-bun mein

bheed ko apnaya hai maine

ye jaanti hu tum ho nahi

par tab bhi tumhari tasveero ko

mujhe dekhte, aankh milaate

hilte-dulte paya hai maine

Sab jaan kar bhi

jhooth ko maan kar bhi

hosh mein hosh ko kho kar

jhooth se dil lagaya hai maine

Itne saalon ke baad bhi

purani yaadon mein

aaj ko dubaya hai maine


metro ki chehal pehal mein
tumhare kad ke ladko mein
tumhein dhundta paya hai maine

Untitled

the skies wore a purple hue

hatching memories along the way

back I traverse to lonesome times

the days of me and you.

it was a painting 

our love

with the boldest strokes

and bewitched contours.

Without a mercy

heedless of prayer

the beauty of cold dark love

the pleasure of sin

On a tranquil lake

we sat deported

our bare feet dangling

over a road unknown.

There! in the waters

interspersing the ripples

a silhouette formed

But still, it wasn't you

a very boring post

Dear Diary,

I turned 23 this tuesday.. seems like a joke to me. I never felt more un-twentythree my whole life. I also realised 23 sounds older than say, 24. My theory being that 23 sounds post-22 while 24 sounds pre-25. I hope u got what i mean. I am in mood for serious nonsensical babble with you.

I had a nice time on 2nd.. quite contrary to my plans, (which involved some serious lazing around the house.. singing songs while going up and down the staircase, lying low and munching away to glory) I ended up having the whole day out with my family. It couldn't get any better, especially with a mid-night surprise pulled off so nicely by my best friend and family. 

I had been feeling quite low on the eve of my birthday, so decided to sleep it off. Happily unmindful of the barrage of phone calls and messages that were to come my way, I dozed off after taking a pill at 10pm, only to be woken up by H at midnight, with a dark chocolate truffle cake laden with lighted little candles standing atop. It was so sweet - the cake and the gesture both. Mum, Papa, S and Panther were all there and we cut the cake. Apparently, H had been in hiding in some other room for 2 hours before midnight..and the only word that I kept saying repeatedly as she materialised in my room was a repeated avowal of "shit! shit! shit!" That was before I scrambled for my spectacles and could see straight. I was then presented with gifts and gifts and gifts.. all of which I loved.

The whole day was spent replying to messages and taking phone calls from everyone..along with a 2 hour long trip to Gurgaon and back.

The next day , ie. yesterday I took my college friends out for a treat. It was nice and cosy at a Model Town eatery where we digged into mughlai dishes and got packed the rest.

It was nice and unplanned. That's the way I like things. 

There is much that has been going on in my mind. Some troublesome shoots and some happy notes. A lot needs to be done and it is no reprieve that we celebrate Diwali tomorrow. I love the festival. But diyas make me feel sad and philosophical. I just wanna lay back and relax.. most probably i'll cook something interesting tomorrow.

But I do wanna enjoy Diwali. And I know I should shut the hell up, this post is getting more and more aimless. But i like it naaa. Pleeeej.

Today I watched The Prestige and loved it. Usually magic shows and circus are the things I don't feel very comfortable seeing..for different reasons. The magicians absurd outfits and the clowns at the circus make me feel suffocated. But the movie is a must-watch. It is brilliantly crafted and edited..the music is superb. imdb gives it 8.4 out of 10 so thats pretty neat. Besides, I learnt a trick or two.

I also later googled about Telsa, who is also there in the movie... a physicist/scientist who lived at the same time as Edison did but devoted his life to electromagnetism, nuclear science and electricity. 

The movie is realistic and based on a book. Engaging.

I am sick and tired of Garima.. i am sick and tired of playing ludo with her just to keep her happy. Why should I keep our house-help happy? I really don't know. I despise ludo now. I need a strong cup of tea.

:( 

Nea