I

"Our lives are NOT being lived on a stage. My fears, trepidations, success and failures are my own to carry, face or gloat about. Life is longer than I think. There is time. That what is ostensibly a race, is actually a semblance to bog me down. There IS no race. Nor exists a 'perfect' happiness to be achieved through love OR work. If happiness has to be there, it has to be inside my mind, to be realised by my actions and effectuations. Happiness is just how I choose to see it. My life. I choose."

I wrote the above late one night at a cathartic moment that was to be the end of a lot of negativity. It was a phase when expectations and failures was all I could conceive. Life echoed nothing but dissonance of busy feet racing past me, pelting ahead of me and I stood alone transfixed amidst those unknown faces. The fear was not of failure but of being at a place I did not belong, with expectations on my head and fear of a love-less, ungracious life looking at me in the face. 

That night when I spoke to myself, I destroyed the stage that I had set up as the ghost of my past. I tore off its walls and burnt away the jury that was to give a verdict on my self. I also took charge of my emotions. That I won't be drifted against my grain and nor would I let my emotions control me at moments when mind should be given the rein. I also shook hands with failure. Instead of hiding from it or chiding it or struggling with it - i said - bring it on, I shall handle. I made myself the center of my life that day. I was the marrow to myself, I was the kernel, I was the axis. No one else ever was to pin me down. 

And you know, when I enlarged my parameters.. when I gave me the reins to do all I could for me and then took an aerial view of the situation, troubles began to denigrate. It began to shrink in size.

I don't know if people go through this. My upbringing, my experiences played definitive roles.. i was trapped in my self while trying to match steps with others. I wouldn't do that, so I had begin to grow afraid - of life itself.

I was just going through some old drafts on my cell today and found this piece and back came the memory of that night. I would be happy if some young girl ever reads it and cuts herself some slack. :)