as things are

It isn't helping. I find myself in two places. The day is different and then comes the morning after. I dread mornings. Every single one of them. I am tired of running away. Tired of picking myself up and smiling and listening to music or reading only to keep away the loneliness. I want to do it no more. I want to be fine. I think i am in depression and there is nothing I can do about it. I work hard, I am the last one to leave work and among the first ones to arrive. I take pleasure in my work and I am well-rewarded too. On weekends I try to get out of my comfort zone to meet people to 'be out there'. An effort I started to make just now. Earlier it was just me and the balcony I would use as my hideout. 

I am tired of holding close the reins. As if the moment I loosen my grip on this hysterical angry giant bull I am riding, it will throw me off and trample over me, killing me. Why is this happening? And how did I ever find myself here? 

I want to work on it no more. I am tired of running away. Where has my strength all gone and why am I so ashamed admitting that I am not that fine?