what good wud a title do

Being 22 is no mean job. And I am not enjoying it. Firstly, there is this feeling that oh-God am I one of those who are twenty-two. Darn! My sis got married two months after her 22^nd birthday. And if that isn’t enough to scare the living daylights out of me, there is this feeling that I am insufficiently decked up and sent to the warfront. What –where- who- how-when?

I have seriously begun to feel that I am too naive. There are people around me who know so much and it all comes naturally to them-- how to handle people, how to see the reality, when to put a full stop, when to put your foot down, when to create a ruckus, when to say this-is-it, whom to believe, whom not to believe, when to say what, when to caress and when to keep distance. In fact people younger to me are better versed than me in the ways of the world. I have grown up in the same environment as them.. Was I sleeping all this while??? Was I? No, I just kept my distance. Even I should have picked up some clever foxy-stuff from the world around me perhaps. But I never wanted to, I still don't want to. And I don't want to be at loss bcz of my ignorance either.

People around me now seem to know saner stuff when it comes to men, women, relationships, etc etc.. Or is it that things going on in other people’s lives always seem less complicated than those in ours? Because till now I used to be someone whom people came to..I used to know stuff.. I used to be smarter in pacifying people, handling situations. Or was it just an illusion? Now it seems that the equation has changed. And I have become the doe-eyed mystified girl who isn’t real sure of her next step, who is so afraid of trusting her own decisions, who doesn’t want to give now, if that would mean emotional dependence; who promises herself everyday to never let anyone near her. I was not like this. I was happy and sure. I never cared about looks much .. I used to belong to the kind who value the brains..but suddenly my trust in myself, my decisions all seem to have shaken. You wouldn’t know your feeling. Try walking on slippery surface you might feel what I’m feeling. Unsure, perplexed, unsteady and weak in an alien land among people I know so well..but whom I barely know.


To hell with the ‘essential goodness’ crap..i always believed in. It was just that.. crap.

I just wrote this, but you know, this is NOT the kinda girl I wanna be. Those innocent ideas I don’t want to forego. I want to live in the old world where there was no resentment, distrust, no struggle within and no horror of being taken for a ride. When my own word was the last word to me.

Suddenly the scene changes. I recall Jab We Met. When Anshuman refuses to see things through Geet’s worldview and tells Aditya in his super-loser tone something to this effect: “Wo sochti hai zindagi ek sapna hai..wo sochti hai ye uske sapno ki duniya hai..wo sachai nahi dekhna chahti”


..and Aditya tells him mockingly, “Aur tumne use vishwas dila diya ki yeh uske sapno ki duniya nahi hai”

Life Is Fine

Life Is Fine by Langston Hughes

I went down to the river,
I set down on the bank.
I tried to think but couldn't,
So I jumped in and sank.

I came up once and hollered!
I came up twice and cried!
If that water hadn't a-been so cold
I might've sunk and died.

But it was Cold in that water! It was cold!

I took the elevator
Sixteen floors above the ground.
I thought about my baby
And thought I would jump down.

I stood there and I hollered!
I stood there and I cried!
If it hadn't a-been so high
I might've jumped and died.

But it was High up there! It was high!

So since I'm still here livin',
I guess I will live on.
I could've died for love--
But for livin' I was born

Though you may hear me holler,
And you may see me cry--
I'll be dogged, sweet baby,
If you gonna see me die.

Life is fine! Fine as wine! Life is fine!

Today was not a study day

Just witnessed the quintessential winter rain of Delhi. The first of the many sporadic rainfalls that bring down the temperature of this city giving us the notoriously piercing cold and seductive Delhi winters. Seductive? Yes, because it won’t let you work, it will induce you into going to bed with it and would make you long for the warmth of the blanket making it so tough to tear yourself away from the bed when morning beckons.

"Today is NOT a study day" 

I hereby declare the aforesaid (with retrospective-effect of course) so that I don't feel guilty anymore. Not that I had permitted myself the luxury of having a holiday today, but today it seems, is not meant for fulfilling any academic pursuits I may have had. The day did involve a lot of reading though. I lick-read my newspapers, an old Tehelka, blogs and a few stray articles. But prepare for exams, that I didn't do. My mind and I are in no way gonna be trapped today in the boring provisions of The Limitation Act, my current subject of study. Notwithstanding its utility and notwithstanding the utmost importance this statute holds --- it’s not going to hold my attention today..try as I may.

There’s a strange excitement in the air tonight. Has been there since evening. It is sweetly strange because apart from exams, nothing very exciting awaits me at the end of the November tunnel. But I still have a feeling. And it's new yet so familiar. I wonder why but feeling this feeling is like meeting an old friend inside me whom I missed so much.

Lapetu

Cant cm onlyn. My laptop hs bn tkn 4 wire repair. :( I askd him ki kyu
leke ja rahe ho laptop ko. Ise bi leke jana padega, he told me.
My li'l baby lapetu. He mst b alone amng strangr burly laptops. Wt if
dey bully my sleek black one. He dsnt evn knw anythin :'( N it mst b
dark :(
Alrdy sm1 hs stoln his HP bag 4m my rum. :'( I hvnt told him yet. Bt
TG i sent him in d new bagpack i hv, its got cushn n seatbelt 4
safety. Dat guy who tuk him on his bike lukd fyn, wudnt hurt my
lapetu. Bt i shudnt hv let him tk him :(
I told 'em to send him back by tday evning bt dey didnt. Mummmyy...:(
ni ye joke ni hai..i wnt my lapetu bac. Abhiii. Wudnt let 'em kp him
away 4m me tmrw 4 sure. He cn repair d wire, y tk my lapster? As if
all's fair in love & 'wire'. Huh
Lv u lapetu
c you soon
:)
--
Sent from my mobile device

Of taxation & the CIC

:) :D ;) B-)
taxation..hv alws hatd commerce..i knw im biasd n though i lyk
'busines' i dnt lyk tax..who wnts to employ one's tym nrgy etc in such
an excrcise. CAs of d wrld kil me, bt tho i knw u guys do much mor dat
calculate tax .. Ur job tires me nun d les..
Read abt d whole 'Kiran Bedi shud b made next CIC activism' n it does
mk me cringe a bit. Im glad d editorials agree. I hv nthin agnst d
lady bt since wen actors n a motley grp of ppl strtd to dcide who shud
head d CIC? I fyn it funny. Tmrw they'd ask why so n so ws not made d
head of so n so dept..or hw ur choice is better dan our choice. Uski
shirt meri shirt se zyada safaid.. KAISE? Hehe..
Its one ting to stop smthin unjust or wrongful 4m hapning n quite d
othr to rally 4 a specific name. D letter to d CIJ n SC collegium by
eminent jurists n advocates is an exmple dat is a mch bttr way of
raising voice agnst or prevnting wrongful hapnin to tk place. Had they
said pls mk so & so an SC judge, they wudn't hv evn got a hearing. Thrs a
cmmitte 4 choosin d CIC dat includs d top echlon includin d PM. Let
them do their job. Cry foul wen smtin foul is happenin or is sure to
happen..dnt cry js bcz u think u can dcide 4 all.
Rest later. Tax calling.
Lvya! Nea (sic)
--
Sent from my mobile device

Blogin Abbrvtd

Bloggin frm celphone. So wrds r few n small. Studied smwat..hd a
midnite snack.. Intrnet is dwn or smthin, constrctn wrk hs its pains.
Watchd 'when harry met sally' 4 d nth time today. Lvd it lyk alws. Wt
else? Orgnzing thoughts, placing ppl, paving d way. Anyway.
If u look gud, u feel gud. I alws knew dat, bt tday ws remindd of fact
dat studying hard does d same. I put in 9 hrs strght tday. Touchd d
mtaphrical ceiling.
I wana get Panther a new leash. He needs one, or since i tk him out,
mayb Im d one who needs one. Lv him.
Tday i studied abt d cncept of 'laches' in law. It means delay. In
crtain provisns presupose nt only d lapse of tym bt also existnce of
circmstnces dat rendr it unjust to giv relief to d prsn, therby going
against him.. And sadly, it so happens in life too. Infact it seems
dat hwevr impassive law may seem, d Doctrines in law r classic in
charctr..in d sense they transgres times n scenarios..a little
fine-tuning to suit ur situatn in lyf, and thr u r nodding
along..finding it hard to dissent. More on dis later.
I nd to:
1. Think les
2. Stdy more n harder
3. Stay cheerful
4. Accept n smile..no-matr-wat
Im nt rly slpy bt shud tk sm rest.
Lv to all,
neha
--
Sent from my mobile device

College Library

I am sitting in the college library.. just yesterday a friend asked what was my favorite word, his theory being that a word could tell a lot about a person. And i agree. The first word that came to mid was 'sexy' (:))..but then I thought more and said 'wood'.. many other words like 'book' and 'write' came to my mind..but I zeroed in on what came first. Sitting in the library, or to be more precise while typing this post i realised i liked the word 'library' a lot. Always have. But this one could be an exception.. for i dont find the chairs very comfortable and so i don't stay here for too long during college days. The word, nevertheless, is great to say and today when I saw so many students with their heads down, pen in hand and a true academic look on their faces.. i started to enjoy my stay too.

Today I have planned to visit India International Centre, a place i considered home till sometime back, well, till the home broke apart. Anyhow, there is a film screening and discussion on Indian Elections there today and I didn't wanna give it a miss. So since 11.30 am I am camping in the college library.. studying, napping, day dreaming, cartoon making..studying too and just now I found an unoccupied computer seat so i jumped to grab it..and here i am. I can see lots of guys lurking behind me, wanting the seat..but i am here to stay, guys. Hush Hush.

With a book of Labour Law in hand, I sat in a forlorn corner, my cardigan in lap.. (campus is exceptionally cold), while trying to find some sense into what is written in the book and copying some important stuff in the notebook i have. Why i do it i dont know for seldom read what i write later on..but jot i do..on and on..:) as if it is getting inscribed in my brains and just like magic it will all reappear before my eyes in the examination hall. Bah. Never happened.

I had a nice sound sleep just now..in the head-down position. When i got up i had forgotten where i was. I keep forgetting where i am when sleep beckons. But it gives me a cosy feel. Im sure you don't get it. Forget it. So here i am up and about.. typing away to glory..(my blog my glory..my bloglory) while trying not to remember, feel or recollect times gone by..in this very library, in this very building.. romantics should be banned from the library, I say.

Today I miss him here. But i am not saddened by it. Does it make a difference? I am saddened everynow and then but then I try to think of 'life positive' and that helps a bit. :) I love the people I am close to right now. Sometimes i wonder why do they choose to be my friends?! Do i also stand by them as they do to me? Am i also a good friend? I must be, i think. And it is then that i realise the importance of having them around. I sometimes hug them in my mind.. all of them, hug them close and big and in my mind my eyes turn moist..but my lips break into a smile.

Thanks folks..for inadvertantly being there, for intentionally being there, for wanting not to shun me, for staying close and for giving me the hideouts you so often give. It is all unsaid and comes naturaly..its valued and cherished by me.

From library, to me, to friends to senti-going-mental chatter. Hmm.. what happened to me? :) Dont know. The coffee is waiting at the nescafe counter. Another old hangout place to face and to fight. And later IIC..my second home.

Closure

It is the worst part of your life. Take it, accept it, live with it, drench your skin in it, let it permeate your body, let it reach the core of your sanity, your soul, your being..let it run through your nerves with the same ferocity as blood, let it crush your heart in a zillion pieces, let it rule you..don't run away and don't you try to evade. Like a marsh let it swallow you and like a marsh you swallow it. No good trying to find a way out. Give in. Stand still.

Give in for you know you won't ever be this sad again. Give in, for once you recover, the worst would have been over. Once it is over, you shall never be this way again. You prefer physical pain over this one? Then consider it physical. Consider it a whip ripping through your flesh. Consider it a bullet that hits your head and leaves you all bloody, consider it a boulder thrown at your face. But while you do that, consider it momentary, consider that it will go away, consider your mum will come and save you like it were promised in childhood. But first accept.

Never think of justice. For that you will never get. And why should that bother you so much? Everyone has reasons..and reasons are aplenty. Rub it off your memory and your soul. Die if you have to and then re-emerge. Love shall save you and love you have. That's the cleanser, the tonic, the nourishment. The worst shall be over soon, my darling. Till then hold me tight and you shall find me here when you open your eyes and realise the pain is gone. I'll be there. I am there.

Midnight Rumblings

Love..the most understated overstated emotion... we do it, we make it, we define it, we lose it, we look for it, we cant do without it, we give it, we humour it, we seek it, we wait for it, we just cant do without it. And then, one fine day along it comes. But it goes and we do move on..hark, is there a choice? So what's the sense in placing it on such high a pedestal from where one becomes a slave to it? Why do we even take ourselves so seriously? Why do we expect that all shall be just! How dare we imagine that good shall befall us! Don't bad things happen to people? Don't people die? Don't people take their own lives? Don't we change with time? Doesn't our love, our priorities, our being, our taste change? Even our perception changes and for the better, right? So why do we expect that we shall get lucky? Who promised us that? No one but us. We ourselves promise this to us and for that to happen we act accordingly..fair enough till now..but if things don't go too well..do we have the right to cry foul? There was no contract and neither was there an understanding. There was nothing except two fingers crossed in 'touchwood'. Life is a set of promises we make to ourselves.. most of them come true.. but sometimes some don't. And it should be ok isn't it? One IS that strong. One HAS got to be strong.

Hmm...since when did I become pessimist about love?! I dont know what the real problem is. Not having or not getting to have? All in the background of not wanting to have!

8-) smile no matter what.

I should sleep now.

But but but first about the wedding:

Since i have been taking you through the wedding, let me finish the narrative. We were up all night yesterday.. the 'phere' took place somewhere around -6 am today morning.. saw the dawn breaking.. was beautiful..whilst the shlokas were being chanted. Not many people had stayed back for the whole night.. and some were very sleepy.. I was wide awake.. enjoying myself..endless cups of coffee and some roasted nuts doing the rounds. These wedding rituals enthral me. I can feel it. The panditji explained to us the vows the bride and the groom had to take..was a set of 7 vows for the groom and 5 for the bride. After each of their vows they had to say "tathastu".. in acceptance. I found the vows wonderfully crafted.. infact they were quite woman oriented..and forward looking.. one even made the groom promise that wherever he goes he would have to accept that the bride is in fact his lawfully wedded wife and that she shall also have a right to call him her husband. That the guy, even in his office and amongst fellow female colleagues would not deny that he is married to this bride. ;) The vows also inadvertently made clear that her money is her money and his money is their money. Smart. While all this was going on.. there had to be performed the necessary rasam of joota chupai...the fellas on the guy's side.. had for the whole of the night kept the jootis to themselves.. not even letting us have a single look..but in the end we did manage to secure one joota...it was when all of the joota guys fell asleep on the sofas that my cousin brothers did a guerilla warfare kinda thing and caught them unaware. It was a brilliant strategy. And it turned out pretty funny..seeing their shocked faces! If you can't beat them, tire them, I said.

The wedding complete..we went to a temple and then to the bride's home..from where the vidai (farewell) was to be done. It was an emotional moment..and really touching. Moments like those can never be explained the way they are felt..so I'd better refrain. It got tough trying to hold back tears..she is going no where! But still! So much shall change, wouldn't it? I just wish her a fabulous married life...with all her and her husband's vows coming true.

Around 9 we came back home and I slept straight off for how many hours I know not.. got up only in the evening..feeling happy with myself for having slept so soundly after a long time.

PS: a few points:

1. I think all bfs and gfs should also take sm vows. ok, kidding. but not really kidding.

2. The groom..ie.. my jeez..is a soft shy person..quite likeable. But the guys'-side could have been more big-hearted for us saalis.

3. I felt nice in the saree.

The D-Day and the H-Hour

Today is the wedding day and well.. the most casual day of all.. no frantic running about is taking place.. no yelling or verbal bomb-shelling either.. We skipped the morning function cz well..we all needed the sleep.. my mum-dad have gone though. Evening is going to be a hectic affair and so is the night.. as for me I have set my H-Hour as 6 o'Clock and hope to ready by then. Being the Bride's younger sis has its side-effects! I have started taking hours getting ready.

Last night's sangeet was good albeit there was no sangeet..but a DJ party with some of my brothers and sisters giving their individual performances..including the bride. One of the best parts was the ball dance by the elder couples like my mum dad, masa-maasi, mama-mami..that too with my dad on one knee! Touché!

Even among so many people.. something seemed missing.. or is it just me..? Every now and then I wished to turn to the balcony be alone for while and then return and do a jig or two. As if on auto-pilot mode. Nothing should be missing no more.

What else? I am looking forward to studying once the wedding is over. 'Looking forward'??? you would ask scornfully.. but yes I am in a way.. specially Constitutional Law.. but that can wait..the other subjects need my attention much more.

My birthday is round the corner. Lets give this one a skip, shall we? Bah.

Lvya.. if you have been, thanks for reading. (the Karan Thapar way of extending thanks)

PS: a boring post i know

Of laziness and work-to-do

Dear Diary,

Good Morning...

I missed college today as there was so much to do for the wedding..and also cz i was feeling sleepy. The dresses are still at the boutique's and so much more needs to be checked and done and tried and blah blah.. I am also pretty tensed about my exams for i have not studied a bit and after the wedding and my birthday i would hardly have two-weeks time to mug up all the Acts, and sections and cases and theories and ok..lets not get started on this topic for there is no end to it.

Frankly, I got nothing much to post today. Just that I realised I could directly post from my my gmail account and I feel like trying it out.

Thankfully I am better healthwise these days and have shifted back to my place. There is so much writing that I want to do but don't have anytime for. Come December I am going to try and give shape to the ideas in my head...most of them on a standby, in the Drafts folder of my email account or my cellphone. :)

There is also some non fiction stuff that I want to write. About news, politics and social issues basically. And yeah..there was also that diploma course in constitutional law that i was so keen in doing. Didn't get the time to visit the institute. Bah.

So.. next week this day is my birthday. Hmm... Neha turns 22. Cute, innit? Scary too. Monday..hmm.. i was born on a Monday too. Charlotte Bronte is quoted as saying 'as unromantic as a monday morning'..oh..what does she know? heh.. If it were in my hands I would postpone my birthday to come after the exams. JLT.

Ok, now I guess enough of blabbering.. I should get up and get set to do allll that needs to be done. Afterall..the Great Indian Wedding is about to commence. :)

But first lemme tell you the programmes:

Tomorrow : Haldhaath ie.. a paste of haldi chandan etc is applied on to the bride.. so as to prepare her for the wedding and get her all beautiful and gorgeous.

Day After: In the morning it is Bhaat and Teeka Ceremony. ie..the Mamas of the bride give her blessings and gifts and money as their contribution to the wedding

The same day in afternoon: Mehendi..which is basically applying henna on the palms of all girls..including yours truly 

The same day in the evening : Ladies Sangeet which is actually Ladies and Gentleman Sangeet.. followed by DJ party..dancefloor and all

The Next day ie.. wedding day.. well, wedding..which involves the Jai Mala, Phere (seven-steps around the Holy-Fire), delectable delights, dancefloor, video camera person putting people in limelight, playing hosts (we are the ladkiwala you see), and making the guests feel at home, lotsa small rasams which i dont know nothing about, and then the Vidaai..all this while trying to hold on to my saree like I would to my dear life..

And most importantly in the background all these 3 days would be played and sung and hummed -- the traditional Rajasthani and Marwadi folk geet sangeet..which involves lyrics we can barely understand..but very nice music..without which no wedding could be complete.

OK, now finally time to shirk the lethargy..carpe diem! here i come..

Baat Ki Baat- Shivmangal Singh 'Suman'

Another masterpiece i just came across.. it is by Shivmanal Singh 'Suman'.. you must have read some of his works in Hindi textbook in school. Beautiful..beautiful piece of poetry.. straight from the heart..

बात की बात

इस जीवन में बैठे ठाले

ऐसे भी क्षण आ जाते हैं

जब हम अपने से ही अपनी-

बीती कहने लग जाते हैं।

तन खोया-खोया-सा लगता

मन उर्वर-सा हो जाता है

कुछ खोया-सा मिल जाता है

कुछ मिला हुआ खो जाता है।

लगता; सुख-दुख की स्मृतियों के

कुछ बिखरे तार बुना डालूँ

यों ही सूने में अंतर के

कुछ भाव-अभाव सुना डालूँ

कवि की अपनी सीमायें है

कहता जितना कह पाता है

कितना भी कह डाले, लेकिन-

अनकहा अधिक रह जाता है

यों ही चलते-फिरते मन में

बेचैनी सी क्यों उठती है?

बसती बस्ती के बीच सदा

सपनों की दुनिया लुटती है

जो भी आया था जीवन में

यदि चला गया तो रोना क्या?

ढलती दुनिया के दानों में

सुधियों के तार पिरोना क्या?

जीवन में काम हजारों हैं

मन रम जाए तो क्या कहना!

दौड़-धूप के बीच एक-

क्षण, थम जाए तो क्या कहना!

कुछ खाली खाली होगा ही

जिसमें निश्वास समाया था

उससे ही सारा झगड़ा है

जिसने विश्वास चुराया था

फिर भी सूनापन साथ रहा

तो गति दूनी करनी होगी

साँचे के तीव्र-विवर्त्‍तन से

मन की पूनी भरनी होगी

जो भी अभाव भरना होगा

चलते-चलते भर जाएगा

पथ में गुनने बैठूँगा तो

जीना दूभर हो जाएगा।

-शिवमंगल सिंह 'सुमन'

Manushyata- Maithilisharan Gupt

Hey! I am so so so thankful to those people who have tried to digitise this poetry.. i have grown up listening my mom hum this poem in kitchen.. I memorised it in school days for I liked it even then .. she would explain the meaning to me. Today i found myself humming it out-of-the-blue.. take a read and, well, i wish i could post the 'tune' in which it is to be hummed.. it makes the poem all the more beautiful..

Those who are more comfortable reading the English script: click HERE.

मनुष्यता

विचार लो कि मर्त्य (mortal) हो न मृत्यु से डरो कभी,

मरो परन्तु यों मरो कि याद जो करे सभी।

हुई न यों सु-मृत्यु तो वृथा मरे, वृथा जिए,

मरा नहीं वहीं कि जो जिया न आपके लिए।

यही पशु-प्रवृत्ति है कि आप आप ही चरे,

वही मनुष्य है कि जो मनुष्य के लिए मरे।

उसी उदार की कथा सरस्वती बखानती,

उसी उदार से धरा कृतार्थ भाव मानती।

उसी उदार की सदा सजीव कीर्ति कूजती,

तथा उसी उदार को समस्त सृष्टि पूजती।

अखंड आत्म भाव जो असीम विश्व में भरे,

वही मनुष्य है कि जो मनुष्य के लिए मरे।

सहानुभूति चाहिए, महाविभूति है वही,

वशीकृता सदैव है बनी हुई स्वयं मही।

विरुद्धवाद बुद्ध का दया-प्रवाह में बहा,

विनीत लोक वर्ग क्या न सामने झुका रहे?

अहा! वही उदार है परोपकार जो करे,

वहीं मनुष्य है कि जो मनुष्य के लिए मरे।

अनंत अंतरिक्ष में अनंत देव हैं खड़े,

समक्ष ही स्वबाहु जो बढ़ा रहे बड़े-बड़े।

परस्परावलम्ब से उठो तथा बढ़ो सभी,

अभी अमर्त्य-अंक में अपंक हो चढ़ो सभी।

रहो न यों कि एक से न काम और का सरे,

वही मनुष्य है कि जो मनुष्य के लिए मरे।

"मनुष्य मात्र बन्धु है" यही बड़ा विवेक है,

पुराण पुरुष स्वयंभू पिता प्रसिद्ध एक है।

फलानुसार कर्म के अवश्य बाह्य भेद है,

परंतु अंतरैक्य में प्रमाणभूत वेद हैं।

अनर्थ है कि बंधु हो न बंधु की व्यथा हरे,

वही मनुष्य है कि जो मनुष्य के लिए मरे।

चलो अभीष्ट मार्ग में सहर्ष खेलते हुए,

विपत्ति विप्र जो पड़ें उन्हें ढकेलते हुए।

घटे न हेलमेल हाँ, बढ़े न भिन्नता कभी,

अतर्क एक पंथ के सतर्क पंथ हों सभी।

तभी समर्थ भाव है कि तारता हुआ तरे,

वही मनुष्य है कि जो मनुष्य के लिए मरे।

-मैथिली शरण गुप्त

News and banter

News & Banter

1. Sir and I gave a nice last minute surprise to my sis on their wedding anniversary.. all day long they had been visiting family and nothing substantive had happened to celebrate their day. Sir and I planned a little surprise and just when she came out of the bathroom.. little teary-eyed (cz acc to her he had left her alone on their wedding anniversary night to go get the tyres checked from some mechanic! Totally unacceptable behaviour, according to us gals. :) He had a actually gone looking for flowers and cake and stuff..)

So well.. the moment she came out there we were.. Sir and I .. a little cake in a small plate with a burning candle...all lights switched off and two bouquets of flowers-- one from him to her and other from me to both of them..:) was a wonderful moment..and just as she saw the cake and the entire setting, I played the ever romantic Pehla Nasha..on my mobile phone. Her mood uplifted in a nanosecond and there they were..my favorite couple in the world..wishing each other and even trying their hand at ball dance!

It was a nice simple celebration.. followed by a photosession of theirs. :) Sweet and simple..

2. Diwali was as usual about diyas and loved ones with countless rounds of flash...one night we were even up till 5 am..

3. I have developed a serious allergy to dust/cement etc and this could be the reason for my bad health these past 3 months i figured out. Construction work on at full swing here..and when you can't breath easy you can hardly do anything worthwhile. Finally, I could take no more of the incessant coughing and unmanageable breathlessness at my place..so I have temporarily shifted base to Di's place for the night.

4. Panther is a darling..he proves it everyday when i take him for a run and unleash him in the park. Just as there would be considerable distance between him and me..he would slightly look up.. cock his ears as if to hear me calling him.. and then sprint towards me as full velocity so that i run ahead of him and there we go playing pakdum pakdai..! God Bless Him.

5. My exams are coming up and so is my cousin's wedding. I have to study so much that for the first time i am really afraid. This time there are two subjects that i have no interest in..ie..Taxation and Business Association.. i hope to manage the latter but for the former i have talked to my neo-CA brother..who says he could get me prepared for the subject in less than a week. I have my doubts. ;)

6. I get sad smtimes..i act like a kid smtimes and like a kid i go and admit. I did it again this week. Give me some time. I am like this only.

7. About my cousin's wedding: for the sangeet programme.. we have all decided to give a danceperformance each..now had it been a debate on the topic "should she get married?" i would have fared well both for and against the motion! but dance? phew.. i like to dance to music in parties and all where all are dancing and no one's really looking.. i do enjoy that a lot.. but performing on stage in front of people i dont even know..i have my doubts here too.

BTW to boost my confidence: I remind myself of the time when i came 3rd and won a big Nataraj trophy for my dance on "Banno re aise kyu sharmaaye" hehh... ok, the less said abt the Mithun song the better! But i really enjoyed the accolades i got that day.. my sis tells me that mum and dad were also called on the stage along with me to receive the award "Is chhoti si pyari si bachi ke parents bhi please stage par aayein..and everyone! a big round of applause for the little girl.." aah! those were the days of my stardom. :P..

Well.. now that we are talking about dancing, apart from stupid group dance on school stage, once we had gone to an Old Age Home as members of the School Rotary Interact Club. All these friends of mine (we were a group of 6 gals till 10th) .. we paired up and gave a performance on Dil Chahta Hai's "Wo ladki hai kahan" with all the flapping step and the jumping etc. :) But that was when I was very young and had little sense of i-dont-know-what-exactly. Now it seems difficult..specially cz that little nataraj-awardee never danced much after that. So what do i do? Which song and whom to pair up with me? Cz alone i CANT dance on stage. But I want to! It would be thrilling and plus I would overcome this silly fear!

8. Ok, would study a bit now. Partnership Act, it is.

PS: Watch this space for pics

Fatal Attraction (Acrostic)

This acrostic i did long time back..somehow was never convinced enough to publish it. It's got no underlying tone.. no innuendo either! Just perhaps the satirical musings of an AIDS patient. I really don't know if I like it. :) Yours to judge now.

Frozen in time

Awed by you..

Thoughts of your obsession

Alluring antagonising me

Languishing in the lap of death

Accentuated desire,

Tormented heart,

Tumultuous conscience or was it the

Raging hormones? I know not. But

AIDS is how I know it

Call it a disease, yes, but

To me - a dead-end. and

I walk on..

On the road to the morgue

Never again to get lucky in your obsession!

Opportunity (Acrostic)

Occult challenges

Pretending disguised, a

Palanquin of problems

Obliquely comes by

Robed in the gown of luck

This could be your chance

Unfolding before you

New path debouches.

Imagine the triumph!

Take up the reins!

You strike the goal

love love me do!!!

I am out of the mess. I know what my instincts say. Der laga di i know.. but I'm good! 


And as i said to my dear friend just now.. "Pleasure is Me! So long as i'm Free!"

No one is responsible for my happiness.. the reins of my life are in hands of my own... :) No more looking back..no more crying tubs.. no more oh no more! A clear conscience..a clear mind.. a clean heart.. i got it all!!

Love you NEHA!!! Hugs n kisses!

It's OKAy.. take a deep breath! and eat nice, get ready, get going..you have much to keep you busy..much to keep you engrossed and you are blessed with friends you love. It's Ok.. smile now


:)

Who writes this first thing on a sunday morning? ME!

One part of me just wants to wriggle out of this mess..its not that opportunities are not there..just that I am not able to allow myself to move on.. I fear that by hopping on to any of these opportunities the last frail thread binding us, however loosely, would also snap and the road leading back would be shut forever. And I don’t want that. Why don’t I want that? Sometimes I want to tell myself to chuck my belief in justice.. life etc. is NOT just..was never meant to be. I want myself to absorb this truth..inject it in every nerve of mine and just go away forever. But again, I am stopped.

Waiting had become a part of life these past many months. The year was a disaster, such as I would never want to relive again. But sometimes I wonder, could I have made things better? Could I have worked things out? Could I have done anything different so as to make it better? Did I leave any stone unturned? Did I place my bars to high? Did I let ego blind me? My answer is no. I always believed that ego, as long as within the realms or garb of self respect, is good, it is needed for anyone to support one's beliefs and one's assertiveness sometimes. But go a few notches higher than that and it sucks the happiness out of moments that would otherwise be brimmed with love. I didn't let my self have that kind of ego---to the utter annoyance of some of my well-wishers though---for I did not want to lose those wondrous moments for the vain glory of having satisfied some vengeful notion of mine. Naah.. that would have been too paltry a consideration. I would have been unable to do that.

I so want answers. I so want solutions. I seek solace. But something inside of me stops me..for I know if I turn back I would lose my self as well as any chance of things being better again. Another thing that keeps me halted is the apprehension of failure. One more time and I would be again left alone.. feeling like a fool standing in a far off desert praying for rain with not a speck of cloud in sight.

I know the above would make little sense to anyone but me. My write-therapy it is.

A few uncomfortable moments..a few observations about human behaviour..

A time comes when you are more afraid of being hurt than anything else. When the reason you don’t take the most important and the most beautiful step just because you fear you might have to go through pain..something you want to avoid at all times. Suddenly that pain starts to look like a mammoth heartache that you want to avoid at all cost. Sometimes even at the cost of your own ultimate happiness. How do we do it? How foolish are we to let go of the most beautiful part of our lives for we fear to get hurt?? It is one of the saddest things one may have to encounter because suddenly the fear becomes much more than the pain itself and you are left without the most special feeling, that is love. It is the wrong choice..your fear is always secondary. Ou should have tried to find what is primary and remained true to it.

Then there are times when you fight the fear. You do not give in to the fear of pain and keep going on, treading through stones that cut up your soul each time you try walking but you go on with optimism circling on your head like ah halo. But you fail yet again, because, afterall, things are not in your control..specially people. With time you realise that the pain is all you might be getting for pain in return. You think, where's the sense in that?

The cycle repeats itself. You fear, you gather courage, you pad yourself up with optimism, go out in the field and there you fall again. With time you choose to live with the fear. You strike a deal with fear and promise never to get hurt again. As if it were a safe haven. Suddenly you put hurt over love, fear over courage and there you lose love as well as courage.

Sometimes you wake up.. all innocent and fresh.. and suddenly it dawns upon you. The bubble has burst, the dream is lost.. you wake up and you try to feel the familiars feeling, you tell yourself it was but a dream. But it wasn’t. Your dream is over. There comes another day--you freshen up and get back to work. As if nothing had happened.

Sometimes it feels I so don't belong. To the career(s) I have chosen, to the people I know, to the characters of the books I read, to the pics I see in other people’s albums.. sometimes my life seems ‘halted’ to me..arrested in the clutches of the times gone by. Neither do I have the energy to let go of the past, nor do I dare move forward.. may be I don’t want to. Sometimes seeing the imagery of other people’s lives I feel at peace with myself. Seeing them happy, chirping about, and hanging out in groups of friends I try to remember when did I feel this way? When did I put my arm around some friends and cheer at full volume? I have done that, haven’t I? But when? I race my mind but can’t feel the feel.

I was happy in my world. My happiness, my monuments, my seminars, my friends, my newspaper, my life, my college. All of that changed and is gone. But I still haven’t begun to define happiness the way others do. The way other girls do. Why to me the epitome is something else? And at the same time why do I want to once feel that happy in the situations these people are happy in? Seeing them I feel may be the problem is with me.. and i just can't figure out what.

Have I started looking down upon people who get happy in little happiness? Who are not shy to display the reason for their happiness? Have I begun to wait too much? For the right people, for the right occasion or for the right moment..?? Would it be only then would I let myself be happy? Isn’t that foolish of me? and would I change easily? No.

I have been around many kinds of people and I have seen them change. But I never did because I thought my ‘change’ would be something else. The thing, the phase that would change me would have to be bigger than smoking or boozing or partying.. this change was not to be superficial but from inside…it just doesn’t happen with me. I feel like I am pretending a life here. And God knows I’m tired of doing that.

I feel like a misfit right now. In this world, in people’s lives, everyplace I go…and I’m getting too emotional..so better put a brake here and now.

PS: its all nonsense isnt it.. the truth lies elsewhere

Mum's Girl Through and Through

Mom, sweetie.. I love you a lot. No one fills my heart with thankfulness like you do. Your just being around me gives me immense sense of security and your unbridled love makes me feel I’m special, that I make your world special like you make mine everyday. You have no idea how many times I have hugged you tight and felt my troubles melting away, how every time I hold your hand I feel I need nothing more. You give give and give and you make me feel bad about it sometimes for I know I won’t be able to match you ever. For I can never give you the kind of peace you give me. What you derive from sprituality, your daughters derive from you mom.

Your face seems to elicit such calmness sometimes that my confidence increases and makes me stronger. I know I can always run upto you and hug you and you will put your arms around me so casually. In that one moment it is immaterial if I’m 21 or 2 years old. I come to you and you just take me in your shelter. You know, I may not have liked it much if my casual hugs meant too much to you. You take it like it is the norm and that’s what I love about you and me. I will never go away from you ever. You are never judgmental and always so wonderfully sweet in your own way that you know nothing about.

I am dead sure you have no idea what you mean to your daughters and even if we try to tell you, you would never believe it. You are not even going to read this post. :) but I love you mom. Your sheer presence is so comforting to me. There have been so many times when I haven’t really disclosed what may have been troubling me, but it has never stopped you from being able to help me out. As if even ‘knowing’ my problem isn’t necessary for you, you are always ready with that what would soothe me. Bliss - that’s who you are.

And your knowledge, your honesty, your creativity, your bright mind and sharp brains and at the same time childish laughter and singing in the kitchen .. is out of the world. When you cry it seems the world is ending, and when you laugh I feel you are the kid not I. I know all children feel this way about their moms but right now the feeling is so overwhelmingly beautiful that I can’t stop myself from writing about you, my modest innocent cute mom. I wouldn't claim that you are the world' best mum for that would be too narrow a view..for everyone's mum is the best, but I just wanna say that i just wanna be like you.

(PS.: you ARE world's best mom, mom!)