i hv no idea

The ever-logical me, I am just not ready to see sense in this situation. Not that what I think bereaves of good sense and not that what they say is all sense. But I am unable to accept it or live with it. I not even ready to be patient about it and sit and think or even brush aside the matter because well, ultimately, its their lives their money their wish. But is it? Right through childhood they tell you you are a unit, that you belong and they belong to you, that ultimately it will come down on your shoulders, right through your growing up years they tell you to value the hard-earned money and that it is as much my own as theirs. And i grow up like that. The modest me will never take the money as my own, would never place a bigger claim on anything than them, would never even expect hem to listen to what I have got to say. But i am unable to do so right now. I am sick and tired of the diatribe about how, what, where, when and old age. And I understand. BUT i also do NOT understand why they think they are the only people? And supposedly they are afraid of getting old and being alone then why not act smart and close the various accounts and learn to settle in peace and security? No way! Before we turn old we are already tensed about oh what we are gonna DO to pass our time! Man! Why not enjoy???? Why do you always have to keep fighting the daily war of wager? Take up gardening, join a gym, play sudoku, watch re-runs of ALL mythological programmes (trust me i bought them the whole series of mahabharatha.which well, created another mahabharatha).. make it possible for your self to visit you three married daughters for a few weeks every now and then (alright two for now).. or your brothers in the mountains or on pklain simple vacations! Why not have a life where you are safe and MY MIND IS AT PEACE about you!

God, my mind splits at the seams when I see them spending money in order NOT to spend money. I have never been a miser, even less so when the spending is about being comfortable! But the sad part is that they are not doing much for their own comforts. They are buying assets without any intention of using them. And that kills me.. because i picture them working even when they are past 60 and i feel thats a failure of another kind. All your life you have slogged, right from scratch you have built up whatever you have and now that it is time for you to enjoy the output of your sweat you are again planning a new journey. As much as I salute your stamina I pity that you can't relax and I pity that THEN I can't relax. :(

I am not ready to listen to sense. This is beyond me. I don't like it. I so have a bad feeling about it. :( And I can't say another word. You already know I am against the bloody 'project'.. for two years I have kept mum and I will continue to do so..cz i see you guys happy about it. But I (with my minimalistic fiscal knowledge), happen to know that this is not the time for this.

Today when I want to talk to you about all this, I can't because I don't know if all this is mine enough to be asking you not to do a certain thing. I certainly am no one to tell you what to do or not to do, you may as well invest and lose and I will never ever say anything. Its yours to lose as much as yours to give or not to give me. But I want to know if I can wish for your future peace and recreation .. or should I keep mum there too?? If I have even 5 per cent say, I would wanna use that and take decisions which i think are in your long-term favour.. but what to do when the 95 per cent say you exercise seems poor strategy to me? My 5 per cent is as good as a dead rat.. no good use.

phew..lv u yaaaaar

N

so much

There's so much going on in my mind that I wish I had a pensieve like the one Dumbledore did and float in there ..but I don't wish to transcend through time - i don't care to skim through the translucent surfaces of past or future right now. Its here and now that's more interesting. :) I am sure all I say sounds so abstract and contextually challenging! But where to take this intense madness that I AM at times?! Does it have a shore? Sigh.

I surmise

Gandhi could have well chosen to take a bus from Sabarmati Ashram to reach the seas in defiance of the Salt Law. But he chose to walk. And that created all the difference. 'Dandi Drive' could never have achieved what 'Dandi March' did. It got the Britisher's goat; provoking them into provoking the Indian masses! The irony was that they still could not jail him for it would have been like rubbing salt on to their wounds. haha. They later did though, and ended up instigating the already seething India. The world press played a significant role at the time. It unveiled the British hypocrisy for the world to condemn. The debate about Gandhi and his 19th century ways in the 20th century goes on. But the man was sheer genius. No denying that.

We keep seeking the shortest route. With constraints of time and speed hanging around our neck, our natural approach to any problem is to seek a solution that is the fastest, the shortest and the most direct. Gandhi traveled 240 miles on foot, covered scores of Indian villages along the way and made way for the British police to arrest him. He commenced his walk with 78 companions and ended spurting an entire population into action and courage. That was engineering.

~~~~~~~~

There are times and situations when symbolism matter more than the achievement of the objective. What ensues may sink in the abyss of time and disappear in the amnesia of the masses, but not certain symbolic momentary gestures. It's this humble symbolic gesture that touches hearts and minds. That's why perhaps an angry mob would never tire from burning effigies. That's why people danced on streets when the statue of Saddam Hussein was toppled at Firdaus Square in Iraq by the American military. (Ironically though some years later at the very Square civilians gathered up demonstrating the American occupation of Iraq.) Sometimes the result is of secondary consequence. The impression carved and pronounced by such symbolic moves acts like a fuel. That what Gandhi had almost in his blood was an understanding of this simple psychology. Once you understand this, you will find it evident in all his tactics to be heard and yet ensue peace. The public burning of English cloth and merchandise - that which was called Civil Disobedience, the wearing of a plain simple homespun loincloth at all times (even during a bitter London winter), his otherwise earthen way of living and also the Dandi march. Another interesting point was the frank countenance with which he put in effect his ideas. He'd himself write to the Viceroy apprising him of his agenda - yep, the man was a pain. But again, a genius. The point he wanted to drive home was not that he could make salt, the point was that they (the British government) should not stop him from using what is his, that a law which is against the very people it is made for, must be put through the test of disobedience and resisted by the people.

~~~~~~~~

As history unfolded in Egypt this past week with a surprisingly non-violent protests against Hosni Mubarak, I felt a twinge of happiness run through me. To see a people's movement leading the way and a three-decade-old rule of oppression coming to end is heartening. But more heartening is the non-violent nature of the protest. At a time when war, fear and bloodshed seem to do the talking in International politics, Egypt has humbled everyone and forced Governments of the world to take note. Long live revolution!

   

I

"Our lives are NOT being lived on a stage. My fears, trepidations, success and failures are my own to carry, face or gloat about. Life is longer than I think. There is time. That what is ostensibly a race, is actually a semblance to bog me down. There IS no race. Nor exists a 'perfect' happiness to be achieved through love OR work. If happiness has to be there, it has to be inside my mind, to be realised by my actions and effectuations. Happiness is just how I choose to see it. My life. I choose."

I wrote the above late one night at a cathartic moment that was to be the end of a lot of negativity. It was a phase when expectations and failures was all I could conceive. Life echoed nothing but dissonance of busy feet racing past me, pelting ahead of me and I stood alone transfixed amidst those unknown faces. The fear was not of failure but of being at a place I did not belong, with expectations on my head and fear of a love-less, ungracious life looking at me in the face. 

That night when I spoke to myself, I destroyed the stage that I had set up as the ghost of my past. I tore off its walls and burnt away the jury that was to give a verdict on my self. I also took charge of my emotions. That I won't be drifted against my grain and nor would I let my emotions control me at moments when mind should be given the rein. I also shook hands with failure. Instead of hiding from it or chiding it or struggling with it - i said - bring it on, I shall handle. I made myself the center of my life that day. I was the marrow to myself, I was the kernel, I was the axis. No one else ever was to pin me down. 

And you know, when I enlarged my parameters.. when I gave me the reins to do all I could for me and then took an aerial view of the situation, troubles began to denigrate. It began to shrink in size.

I don't know if people go through this. My upbringing, my experiences played definitive roles.. i was trapped in my self while trying to match steps with others. I wouldn't do that, so I had begin to grow afraid - of life itself.

I was just going through some old drafts on my cell today and found this piece and back came the memory of that night. I would be happy if some young girl ever reads it and cuts herself some slack. :) 

I'm there

I am there where madness meets insanity and a lunatic is born
I am there where your memories are more romantic than you
I am there where there is nowhere to be
I am there where the winters give me the chills for keepsakes
I am there where I'm late and the world's an infinite clock
I'm there where law is literature, law is an oath, and law beholds
I'm there where I fantasize about you while in someone else's arms
I'm there where loneliness gives me company
I'm there where a hot shower is also consummate
I'm there where lovers meet and kiss and touch
I'm there where there is so much of shame that the veil is shy
I'm there where artistes worship their muse and nights cry
I'm there where books are mislaid
I'm there where nothing is ever lost in time
I'm there where your absence is all I have of you

layers

Life's trouble's are kinda broke these days. A lot of good has happened this past one month..i have become surer of myself, i have heard good news from lot many sources..in short life has been busy and better. Except from the sickness, all is hunky dory. But there is stuff that always has and always will remain planted in my mind. Layers upon layers of days, months, years would settle on the time that is called 'now', but strands of random memories will always remain there..eclipsing me from my own reality. And at times like these when you cannot say what you have to ~ it kinda belittles your past. Leaving you confused. I guess I am not explaining it properly. But, then that's the idea.

I stand at the precipice of a comfortable fortress right now but even here, i'm ill at ease.

There is so much I want to write in you..just don't take me seriously..

love

Neha

It so happens..

Valentines' tomorrow and how i want it to swoosh past me without as much as a ting-a-ling sound! Not that I store a great deal by it now. But it does rub some wires around the strings of our hearts and whoa, I would wanna do without that particular itch. But its fun also! It kinda teases one, dunnit? Wanting one to sit up and do something one's bland love life.. the absence or the near suspension of it! :D but then what makes me so happy..na its not happyness per se.. it's js that I am hopeful of times to come. and I am kinda fine right now. I love to see me like I am right now.. independent, fun, happy, hopeful and all those beautiful things I always have had .. all those romantic ideas sit pretty somewhere.. and im not in a hurry .. which makes me feel im sitting on a love-mine! :) This is so not like me! ME- the ever achy, ever effervescent, ever flaky, ever impatient, ever in love -Moi. Guess, I am on path to growing up, yup.

I am quite interestingly reading a lot of books these days : here's the list..

1. Second Sex - yea, again

2. Lady Chatterley's Lover: Started it again.. wanted to know what the katzenjammer was all about'

3. Les Miserables: its vanished or something from my car. THIS is wat i really really wish to read and finish now.

4. R.K. Narayan's collection

5. Gabriel Garcia Marquez: Short Story Collection  (Thank You Navin!)

6. Far from the Maddening Crowd: (still struggling with it)

So, i keep picking one of these up..from car, from my room, from my other room, from the bathroom and so on..

Love Story is on on television and err.. the sad part is about to begin. So.. since I do not want to start crying..(this book n movie do that to me EVERYTIME) I am gonna switch channels and I am gonna do some work. :) tk cr dear blog.. 

little panther

Love you panther and miss you a lot.. every night i nearly call out to you asking you to go get your leash so we could go out together..i hate it when anyone still lets the main gate remain open... i nearly end up choking myself when that happens. but you know panther, you still make me smile my love.. after all the crying is done, i end up smiling miraculously.. on one of your mischiefs of tantrums.. and your innate ability to make me love you endlessly. I can't believe sometimes what i have lost. But then, when you were here i could not believe what i really had. the enormous joy of having you around and the enormous grief of losing you.. i really can't say which one weighs more. certainly the former. i want it to be the former. i only wish i could hug you at moments like these. just that one grant. you're my little one.

In train (dated 24.01.11)

Heya.. Im sitting here on d top berth of rajdhani express wid my book
.. Wantd to check if one can sms from the train..in the middle of
nowhere from somewhere in uttar pradesh :)

Something is missing from me these past few days.. I dont even know if
i am missing something concrete or abstract. I have been reading this
other book by Elizabeth Gilbert. Its good, its interesting,
borderlines on being an irritating research book but she makes some
very valid points on love, marriage and commitment .. the book is
called 'Committed-a love story'. Im near around about to finish it.
The other book i got here with me for the trip is Victor Hugo's Les
Miserables.. Its a political satire, im sure im gonna enjoyyy.

Umm....i got soooo much to write.. But i dont want to make all
public.. Hehe.. And therein u get wat d biggest drawback of blogging
is about. :) i hope this post gets publishd.

And wil keep writing! Xoxoxox