D'oh! ;)

Hey you,

Missed writing eh, but each time I'd come around, I'd end up writing something I wouldn't post. And it would get flipped headlong into the infinite depths of my unposted drafts! Once I ended up writing a 'motivational' poem..a feat almost impossible for me. I am one of those who can harp in melody when going gets rough, who can sit down and write odes to the pain! But a 'jo beet gayi so baat gayi' we 'painaddicts' can never come up with in prose.

Have been studying, doodling on last pages of my registers, dreaming of after study snacks and drinking tea, coffee, ice tea, milk, water, rooh afza, rasna, tang, you name it, I am washing it down my throat. There's a lot swirling and whirling in my mind.. it all eddies into colorful contours. And I like it that way.

So here's what I wrote.. i didn't like it much for its darn too simple. But well, you gotta KIS,S sometimes :)

At times to be quiet

we need to talk.

sometimes, to be still

we better take a walk

What may seem reverse 

might not really be

What strikes as a curse, 

nigh your blessing be

Be quiet, my love

not silent be.

quest (for) calm within

but not lifeless be

Gather thy courage

pick up thy core

head for a walk 

by your heart's shore

Now on to Interpretation of Statutes..an interesting subject. And hey that reminds me.. a detailed talk on Juris is dew. Oops. due. D'oh.

blank

Being home does it to me perhaps. I miss panther more than ever today. I wish i could just see him once..panting, licking his paws, asking for treats, trotting about..trying to hop on the bed, barking till my ear drums would burst to take him for walks, being ever so naughty and giving me great company.. putting his face on my lap and going to sleep.. looking like a frightened kid when I would bathe him.. and then do a jig sloshing soapy water all over me..doing nothing just 'being'.. i miss him so much all the time... of late even missing him had become something beautiful..I was able to achieve something i thought was only meant for poetry and wishful thinking.. the fact that you can actually miss someone and still smile .. the fond memories taking away the pain.. it was magical.. and though I knew the magic wouldn't last.. i knew for sure that it was magic, alright.

I miss him..i just don't know what else to say. I miss him.. very very deeply. :(

Baby, I tried hard not to write to you.. to not enlarge a pic of yours, to teach myself to steer towards those times which were amazing, skipping the reel where you were ill and i was in a constant state of silent subtle panic and fear of you going away. But we can only skip somethings sometimes.. :(

I know it will be fine.. I know for sure you are with me.. and I can still manage to smile as I try so hard to stop me from crying. Been four months I know.. but love is beyond time and place..right? It's even beyond existence.. it's just there..

I just love you so much

200th post

This is the 200th post. A lot has happened..and a lot remains neatly wrapped in the confines of future. Lots I have shared here, lots kept to myself and lots hinted at, I guess. I like this space. That's about all. 

Frozen

I wanna hug you, hold you, shake you, smother you.. as if you were my own. If pain were alphabets perhaps this is how they would read.

Her fingers twitch with a ferocity and a need to write, to write without a pause without as much as an interruption to breathe or think. She feels sad. Tonight.

She breathes and takes in the raw air. Wanting bad not to feel. But as always she fails. She wants bad not to write but she does. She wants bad to sleep so the night passes by, murkily in her sleep. But she can't.. all she wants to do is to write.. as if it were the solution, her absolution. Is she running or escaping? Moving away or silently returning? She cries hoarse to herself and to destiny.. that she does not want her mind to go back from where it just emerged.

Has nothing changed? 

She's afraid, so afraid she can't tell anyone. Afraid of getting trapped in the times she had frozen.

We are the Champions!! World Cup is ours! :D

We WON it!!! This is one of the most joyous moments of my life!!! We are the champions of World Cricket! :D It took 28 years!! Wil post pics in time! Love you all! This day was historic. This night is terrific! Indiaaaaa!!!! :D

not mine.

I never knew I would ever feel evicted from the place I call 'home'. And I promise I will never forget this. To give others their rights you sometimes have to let go of your own. You just look back at times when you didn't exercise your rights because you cared much more for their happiness. You still care but it's not needed! Can't you just see?!!

usay bhool ja..

Kahan aa ke rukne they rastay kahan morh tha usay bhool ja

wo jo mil gaya ussay yaad rakh jo nahi mila usay bhool ja
Wo tere naseeb ki barishein kisi aur chat par baras gayeen
dil-e-bekhabar meri baat sun usay bhool ja usay bhool ja
Main to gum tha tere hi dhyaan mein teri aas tere gumaan mein
sabah keh gayi mere kaan mein mere saath aa usay bhool ja
Kisi aankh mein nahi ashq-e gham tere baad kuch nahi hai kam
tujhe zindagi nay bhula diya tu bhee muskura usay bhool ja
Kyun attaa hua hai gubaar mein, gham-e-zindagi kay fishaar mein
wo jo dard tha tere bakht mein, so wo ho gaya usay bhool ja
Na woh aankh hi teri aankh thi, na wo kha'ab hi tera kha'ab tha
dil-e-muntazar to fir kis liye tera jaagna, usay bhool ja
Ye jo raat din ka hai khel isey dekh, ispe yakeen na kar,
nahi aks koi bhi mustaqqil sar-e-aaina usey bhool ja
Jo bisaat-e-jaan hi ulat gaya, wo jo rastay se palat gaya
usay roknay se hasool kya, usay mat bula, usay bhool ja
Toh ye kis liye shab-e-hizjr ke usay har sitaare mein dekhna
woh falak ki jispe mile they hum, koi aur tha usay bhool ja
Tujhe chaand ban ke mila tha jo tere sahilon pe khila tha jo
woh tha ek dariya wisaal ka so utar gaya usay bhool ja

link.. do listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNoqKOtiykI&feature=related

Buried

I am dead..i'm a ghost

I'm cradled, I'm lost

I'm human yet awry,

haunting your glory..

Like a toothless willow, a voluptuous sheen

I come in your innocuous dreams

I am your worst fear, I am your pain

I am your scruples, I am in vain

You Drive me Cra-yay-zzyyyy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwxn3WfM9G8

i wanna say this to someone! :D Its a happy happy morning :)

You drive me Cra-yay-zyyy!

You know baby when you're in my arms

I can feel your magic touch
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
And when I'm looking in those big blue eyes
I start flowing down in paradise
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
Heaven must have sent you down
Down for me to give me a thrill
Everytime you touch me, everytime you hold me
My heart starts beating like a train on a track
I love you baby and it's plain to see
I love you honey it was made to be
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy (...guitar solo...)
Heaven must have sent you down
Down for me to give me a thrill
Everytime you touch me, everytime you hold me
My heart starts beating like a train on a track
I love you baby and it's plain to see
I love you honey it was made to be
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy
You drive me crazy 

Of going and reading

I want to go There. I have got to go. To the grassroots, to see with my own eyes. I want to have had a first-hand experience, I want to go and see for myself what it's like to be there, in the middle of it. Till you go, you know nothing. I want to feel the misery that they feel, the life and times that they breathe in and breathe out daily. I want to experience the anguish and the savagery, the pain and the dim ray of hope, which, like the glow of an incandescent bulb on a faraway hill, is lonesome in its existence. Only, they may not have electricity there. 

I want to observe and I want to capture it in my words. I want to understand what's happening, not from a far corner while travelling in swanky metro or sitting in the comfort of my home. That's why I took up journalism and am into law, isnt' it? To give a meaning to my love for the written word..to do what I like best; to do and to conjoin it with a 'purpose'. Now is the time to go, to see, to observe, to be. I know it in my blood.

There.

Would liberty, justice, democracy and rights seem incoherent There? And do the arms of bureaucracy and law and the mumbo-jumbo of sovereign socialist democratic republic mean anything to Them? Where people fight and die for what is legally their own. Where what is their fundamental right is taken away from Them and a banal statute is thrown at their faces when questions are raised. I talk of not one place, I just talk of a place called 'There'. I talk of not a particular group, I talk of 'Them'. I talk not of a region, I talk of its living, breathing, seething, sighing, crying yet muted people.

Over the years, we have seen situations change. We know how inimitable series of action and reaction leaves behind the core issues as debates are politicized, governments are elected and ousted, scams are carried on and busted and news gets broken. Changes take place but nothing really changes. I want to go to that zone where it has ceased to matter. And there's no dearth of 'Theres' here, is there?

When Jeremy Bentham talked of Utilitarianism - he perforated the idea succinctly into "the greatest good for the greatest number of people'..classic Utilitarianism has been rejected by many, but the idea stands and sounds good to the ears -- till you find yourself standing among the smaller number of people standing for your legitimate right. Whether it be land acquisition, positive discrimination, regionalism or plain simple class hierarchy.

I wish I could just go..no philanthropy there, I want to go for me. To the places of unrest, to the ravines and the villages where nothing reaches, to perhaps help teach a class in some remote settlement, to the valley of unrest and unemployment. I don't know what my mission is, but I won't be without a cause.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today I read a chapter out of Amartya Sen's excellent book "Development as Freedom". The essay, titled "Culture and Human Rights" talks of three different yet interspersed critiques of the prevalent concept of human rights, freedom, duties and justice. Towards the end  he defends what is so-called "Asian values" in a bid to quash the popular and accepted notion that liberty, rights, freedom, democracy, atheism, skepticism and other such ideas are predominantly Western by origin. He takes us through Asian history, through the times of Ashoka and Kautilya and does a comparative analysis of Asian writings with that of Western thought. He argues that though Indian culture did not emphatically strive for egalitarian form of society and that 'duties' instead of 'rights' were the guiding principles, but the concepts which are now termed Western were very much there, yet blended in a dissimilar cultural tone. He talks of tolerance and popular perceptions about Hinduism and Islam as historically being 'authoritative' till the liberal Western thought came along. He differs from the popular perception and gives interesting proofs about cross-cultural influences in the past which make sure today that no modern concept is completely Western or completely Eastern. That there has to be a sophisticated, more complex view about what is loosely, wrongfully, and 'over-simply' termed 'Asian values', 'African culture' and so on. Not only are these thoughts shallow but also add to the divisiveness among Nation States, when the need is to recognize 'diversity' within different cultures.

Not only was the read interesting, but I also got an idea how theories are formed and presented. How assumptions and presuppositions made and how random observations ought to be sewn.

The hot pursuit of happyness

I don't have a word for this feeling. But I am sure there exists a word in the english lexicon for it..perhaps the word is a relative of 'curiosity'. For so many months now, intermittently though, I have been reveling under the heady feeling of the simple ginormous playing field that spreads for miles ahead of me.. and like a mind game I gotta collect all the goodies (read knowledge) as I travel through the field... Its the sweet thirst for this knowledge.. there's just so much so learn and there's just so much I want to get to the bottom of. And all this makes me dizzy and drunk.

I read Jurisprudence and I lose track of time and place.. There is so much more to know about it and I ache to know it all ... but I know it will take time and one need be patient with such things ... I read literature and I ache to read ALL books by a given author of my like...I wanna read Pablo through and through, to have read works of poetry in Urdu and Hindi as well.. historical more than contemporary. I'd watch some historical movie or a moving documentary, avail myself free subscription of an online documentary and there I go..overwhelmed by the enormity of all that's left for me to learn and loving every bit of it! Sometimes hating the fact that I don't have the time.. loving the fact that I have the hunger for it.. I want to know how the cosmos works - wanting to see all the best that discovery and Nat Geo offers.. then I move over to Africa and I want to know about the native history of each of those nations, I want to know all about tigers and their habits and then I want to be an expert on dogs as well... apart from these silly pursuits I want to have heard the best of music that mankind has ever heard, the best of books, autobiographies of the greats, their failures, their victories.. at times like these world becomes so small a place.. only the epistemic travails of the mind remains.. and I thrive in that .. the abundance of it all and as if all one needs to do is to jump and pluck. AND i have not even mentioned  articles, news, views, opinion, studies and book of my field - human rights, cz interest in that goes unsaid.

This quest for knowledge is bewitching as much as it is infinitum.. there's simply too much that tempts me, gets my grey cells cracking and there I go googling, reading, enjoying ... and ALWAYS finding myself standing over a whole new arena of unexplored lands .. which I want to tread.. the thought is so gratifying..but I never am able to satiate the thirst..

And then there is news..my first beau.. needless to say (to myself) iin Dec and Jan, I was very much away from it. Am again catching hold of the broken strands..will take some time.. but I needed to break-away too. :)

Its not as if the love for subjects like history, philosophy, politics, anthropology struck me just now.. nor do I expect or intend to gain academic expertise in all of these..i just wanna 'know' a bit about all these - just to enjoy- plain and simple..and therein I realise that social sciences is the home of my mind. I am not 'come one come all' about these topics, am very much selective in what interests me .. but of late the subgroup called 'my choicest narrowed-down field of interest' has been burgeoning and flourishing..almost resembling a parallel eco-system of its own.

And there are the non-academic, non-intellectual pursuits I wanna follow.. I wanna travel a lot, i have realised that travel keeps me going (not just topographically).. I want to shop for stuff for my room and for that I wanna explore unconventional places.. there's an entire arena of fashion (the girl in me awakens) that now interests me.. i wanna check that out too.. but of course, these little pursuits are secondary to me in the mind for now..oh yea, I wanna learn to cook. (not happening).

So back to Juris and back to rights and liberty and equality debate.

Date a girl who reads by Rosemarie Urquico

"Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes."

Kiska Rasta Dekhe

Kiska Rasta Dekhe Aye Dil Aye Saudaai
Meelon Hai Khamoshi Barson Hai Tanhaee
Bhooli Duniya Kabhiki Tujhe Bhi Mujhe Bhi
Phir Kyon Aankh Bhar Aayee

Koi Bhi Saaya Nahin Raahon Mein
Koi Bhi Aayega Na Baahon Mein
Tere Liye Mere Liye Koi Nahin Ronewala
Jhoota Bhi Naata Nahin Chaahon Mein
Tu Hi Kyon Dooba Rahe Aahon Mein
Koi Kisi Sang Mare Aaisa Nahin Honewala
Koi Nahin Jo Yoon Hi Jahan Mein Baate Peer Parayee 
Kiska Rasta Dekhe Aye Dil Aye Saudaai...

Tujhe Kya Beeti Hui Raaton Se
Mujhe Kya Khoi Hui Baaton Se
Sej Nahin Chita Sahi Jo Bhi Mile Sona Hoga
Gai Jo Dori Chhooti Haathon Se 
Lena Kya Toote Hue Saathon Se
Khushi Jahan Maangi Toone Wahin Mujhe Rona Hoga
Na Koi Tera Na Koi Mera Phir Kiski Yaad Aai
Kiska Rasta Dekhe Aye Dil Aye Saudaai...

Non-sense

The more things change the more they remain the same. So so true. As
if the changes happen in some other mindzone some other timezone
oblivious of the reality. In a way so much has happened in past two
years, yet I'm stil exactly where I was. So much has changed on the
outside but in one way, perhaps nothing has changed. Change and
No-Change are then perhaps mere perspectives. I just realised how
somethings will never leave me, a certain volcanoes however dormant
will remain volcanoes still.

Does any of it make slightest of sense?

:)

i hv no idea

The ever-logical me, I am just not ready to see sense in this situation. Not that what I think bereaves of good sense and not that what they say is all sense. But I am unable to accept it or live with it. I not even ready to be patient about it and sit and think or even brush aside the matter because well, ultimately, its their lives their money their wish. But is it? Right through childhood they tell you you are a unit, that you belong and they belong to you, that ultimately it will come down on your shoulders, right through your growing up years they tell you to value the hard-earned money and that it is as much my own as theirs. And i grow up like that. The modest me will never take the money as my own, would never place a bigger claim on anything than them, would never even expect hem to listen to what I have got to say. But i am unable to do so right now. I am sick and tired of the diatribe about how, what, where, when and old age. And I understand. BUT i also do NOT understand why they think they are the only people? And supposedly they are afraid of getting old and being alone then why not act smart and close the various accounts and learn to settle in peace and security? No way! Before we turn old we are already tensed about oh what we are gonna DO to pass our time! Man! Why not enjoy???? Why do you always have to keep fighting the daily war of wager? Take up gardening, join a gym, play sudoku, watch re-runs of ALL mythological programmes (trust me i bought them the whole series of mahabharatha.which well, created another mahabharatha).. make it possible for your self to visit you three married daughters for a few weeks every now and then (alright two for now).. or your brothers in the mountains or on pklain simple vacations! Why not have a life where you are safe and MY MIND IS AT PEACE about you!

God, my mind splits at the seams when I see them spending money in order NOT to spend money. I have never been a miser, even less so when the spending is about being comfortable! But the sad part is that they are not doing much for their own comforts. They are buying assets without any intention of using them. And that kills me.. because i picture them working even when they are past 60 and i feel thats a failure of another kind. All your life you have slogged, right from scratch you have built up whatever you have and now that it is time for you to enjoy the output of your sweat you are again planning a new journey. As much as I salute your stamina I pity that you can't relax and I pity that THEN I can't relax. :(

I am not ready to listen to sense. This is beyond me. I don't like it. I so have a bad feeling about it. :( And I can't say another word. You already know I am against the bloody 'project'.. for two years I have kept mum and I will continue to do so..cz i see you guys happy about it. But I (with my minimalistic fiscal knowledge), happen to know that this is not the time for this.

Today when I want to talk to you about all this, I can't because I don't know if all this is mine enough to be asking you not to do a certain thing. I certainly am no one to tell you what to do or not to do, you may as well invest and lose and I will never ever say anything. Its yours to lose as much as yours to give or not to give me. But I want to know if I can wish for your future peace and recreation .. or should I keep mum there too?? If I have even 5 per cent say, I would wanna use that and take decisions which i think are in your long-term favour.. but what to do when the 95 per cent say you exercise seems poor strategy to me? My 5 per cent is as good as a dead rat.. no good use.

phew..lv u yaaaaar

N

so much

There's so much going on in my mind that I wish I had a pensieve like the one Dumbledore did and float in there ..but I don't wish to transcend through time - i don't care to skim through the translucent surfaces of past or future right now. Its here and now that's more interesting. :) I am sure all I say sounds so abstract and contextually challenging! But where to take this intense madness that I AM at times?! Does it have a shore? Sigh.

I surmise

Gandhi could have well chosen to take a bus from Sabarmati Ashram to reach the seas in defiance of the Salt Law. But he chose to walk. And that created all the difference. 'Dandi Drive' could never have achieved what 'Dandi March' did. It got the Britisher's goat; provoking them into provoking the Indian masses! The irony was that they still could not jail him for it would have been like rubbing salt on to their wounds. haha. They later did though, and ended up instigating the already seething India. The world press played a significant role at the time. It unveiled the British hypocrisy for the world to condemn. The debate about Gandhi and his 19th century ways in the 20th century goes on. But the man was sheer genius. No denying that.

We keep seeking the shortest route. With constraints of time and speed hanging around our neck, our natural approach to any problem is to seek a solution that is the fastest, the shortest and the most direct. Gandhi traveled 240 miles on foot, covered scores of Indian villages along the way and made way for the British police to arrest him. He commenced his walk with 78 companions and ended spurting an entire population into action and courage. That was engineering.

~~~~~~~~

There are times and situations when symbolism matter more than the achievement of the objective. What ensues may sink in the abyss of time and disappear in the amnesia of the masses, but not certain symbolic momentary gestures. It's this humble symbolic gesture that touches hearts and minds. That's why perhaps an angry mob would never tire from burning effigies. That's why people danced on streets when the statue of Saddam Hussein was toppled at Firdaus Square in Iraq by the American military. (Ironically though some years later at the very Square civilians gathered up demonstrating the American occupation of Iraq.) Sometimes the result is of secondary consequence. The impression carved and pronounced by such symbolic moves acts like a fuel. That what Gandhi had almost in his blood was an understanding of this simple psychology. Once you understand this, you will find it evident in all his tactics to be heard and yet ensue peace. The public burning of English cloth and merchandise - that which was called Civil Disobedience, the wearing of a plain simple homespun loincloth at all times (even during a bitter London winter), his otherwise earthen way of living and also the Dandi march. Another interesting point was the frank countenance with which he put in effect his ideas. He'd himself write to the Viceroy apprising him of his agenda - yep, the man was a pain. But again, a genius. The point he wanted to drive home was not that he could make salt, the point was that they (the British government) should not stop him from using what is his, that a law which is against the very people it is made for, must be put through the test of disobedience and resisted by the people.

~~~~~~~~

As history unfolded in Egypt this past week with a surprisingly non-violent protests against Hosni Mubarak, I felt a twinge of happiness run through me. To see a people's movement leading the way and a three-decade-old rule of oppression coming to end is heartening. But more heartening is the non-violent nature of the protest. At a time when war, fear and bloodshed seem to do the talking in International politics, Egypt has humbled everyone and forced Governments of the world to take note. Long live revolution!

   

I

"Our lives are NOT being lived on a stage. My fears, trepidations, success and failures are my own to carry, face or gloat about. Life is longer than I think. There is time. That what is ostensibly a race, is actually a semblance to bog me down. There IS no race. Nor exists a 'perfect' happiness to be achieved through love OR work. If happiness has to be there, it has to be inside my mind, to be realised by my actions and effectuations. Happiness is just how I choose to see it. My life. I choose."

I wrote the above late one night at a cathartic moment that was to be the end of a lot of negativity. It was a phase when expectations and failures was all I could conceive. Life echoed nothing but dissonance of busy feet racing past me, pelting ahead of me and I stood alone transfixed amidst those unknown faces. The fear was not of failure but of being at a place I did not belong, with expectations on my head and fear of a love-less, ungracious life looking at me in the face. 

That night when I spoke to myself, I destroyed the stage that I had set up as the ghost of my past. I tore off its walls and burnt away the jury that was to give a verdict on my self. I also took charge of my emotions. That I won't be drifted against my grain and nor would I let my emotions control me at moments when mind should be given the rein. I also shook hands with failure. Instead of hiding from it or chiding it or struggling with it - i said - bring it on, I shall handle. I made myself the center of my life that day. I was the marrow to myself, I was the kernel, I was the axis. No one else ever was to pin me down. 

And you know, when I enlarged my parameters.. when I gave me the reins to do all I could for me and then took an aerial view of the situation, troubles began to denigrate. It began to shrink in size.

I don't know if people go through this. My upbringing, my experiences played definitive roles.. i was trapped in my self while trying to match steps with others. I wouldn't do that, so I had begin to grow afraid - of life itself.

I was just going through some old drafts on my cell today and found this piece and back came the memory of that night. I would be happy if some young girl ever reads it and cuts herself some slack. :) 

I'm there

I am there where madness meets insanity and a lunatic is born
I am there where your memories are more romantic than you
I am there where there is nowhere to be
I am there where the winters give me the chills for keepsakes
I am there where I'm late and the world's an infinite clock
I'm there where law is literature, law is an oath, and law beholds
I'm there where I fantasize about you while in someone else's arms
I'm there where loneliness gives me company
I'm there where a hot shower is also consummate
I'm there where lovers meet and kiss and touch
I'm there where there is so much of shame that the veil is shy
I'm there where artistes worship their muse and nights cry
I'm there where books are mislaid
I'm there where nothing is ever lost in time
I'm there where your absence is all I have of you

layers

Life's trouble's are kinda broke these days. A lot of good has happened this past one month..i have become surer of myself, i have heard good news from lot many sources..in short life has been busy and better. Except from the sickness, all is hunky dory. But there is stuff that always has and always will remain planted in my mind. Layers upon layers of days, months, years would settle on the time that is called 'now', but strands of random memories will always remain there..eclipsing me from my own reality. And at times like these when you cannot say what you have to ~ it kinda belittles your past. Leaving you confused. I guess I am not explaining it properly. But, then that's the idea.

I stand at the precipice of a comfortable fortress right now but even here, i'm ill at ease.

There is so much I want to write in you..just don't take me seriously..

love

Neha

It so happens..

Valentines' tomorrow and how i want it to swoosh past me without as much as a ting-a-ling sound! Not that I store a great deal by it now. But it does rub some wires around the strings of our hearts and whoa, I would wanna do without that particular itch. But its fun also! It kinda teases one, dunnit? Wanting one to sit up and do something one's bland love life.. the absence or the near suspension of it! :D but then what makes me so happy..na its not happyness per se.. it's js that I am hopeful of times to come. and I am kinda fine right now. I love to see me like I am right now.. independent, fun, happy, hopeful and all those beautiful things I always have had .. all those romantic ideas sit pretty somewhere.. and im not in a hurry .. which makes me feel im sitting on a love-mine! :) This is so not like me! ME- the ever achy, ever effervescent, ever flaky, ever impatient, ever in love -Moi. Guess, I am on path to growing up, yup.

I am quite interestingly reading a lot of books these days : here's the list..

1. Second Sex - yea, again

2. Lady Chatterley's Lover: Started it again.. wanted to know what the katzenjammer was all about'

3. Les Miserables: its vanished or something from my car. THIS is wat i really really wish to read and finish now.

4. R.K. Narayan's collection

5. Gabriel Garcia Marquez: Short Story Collection  (Thank You Navin!)

6. Far from the Maddening Crowd: (still struggling with it)

So, i keep picking one of these up..from car, from my room, from my other room, from the bathroom and so on..

Love Story is on on television and err.. the sad part is about to begin. So.. since I do not want to start crying..(this book n movie do that to me EVERYTIME) I am gonna switch channels and I am gonna do some work. :) tk cr dear blog.. 

little panther

Love you panther and miss you a lot.. every night i nearly call out to you asking you to go get your leash so we could go out together..i hate it when anyone still lets the main gate remain open... i nearly end up choking myself when that happens. but you know panther, you still make me smile my love.. after all the crying is done, i end up smiling miraculously.. on one of your mischiefs of tantrums.. and your innate ability to make me love you endlessly. I can't believe sometimes what i have lost. But then, when you were here i could not believe what i really had. the enormous joy of having you around and the enormous grief of losing you.. i really can't say which one weighs more. certainly the former. i want it to be the former. i only wish i could hug you at moments like these. just that one grant. you're my little one.

In train (dated 24.01.11)

Heya.. Im sitting here on d top berth of rajdhani express wid my book
.. Wantd to check if one can sms from the train..in the middle of
nowhere from somewhere in uttar pradesh :)

Something is missing from me these past few days.. I dont even know if
i am missing something concrete or abstract. I have been reading this
other book by Elizabeth Gilbert. Its good, its interesting,
borderlines on being an irritating research book but she makes some
very valid points on love, marriage and commitment .. the book is
called 'Committed-a love story'. Im near around about to finish it.
The other book i got here with me for the trip is Victor Hugo's Les
Miserables.. Its a political satire, im sure im gonna enjoyyy.

Umm....i got soooo much to write.. But i dont want to make all
public.. Hehe.. And therein u get wat d biggest drawback of blogging
is about. :) i hope this post gets publishd.

And wil keep writing! Xoxoxox

err...

Hi

 

I am still in Dubai.. i miss my people (all of u!), my home (yeaa i do miss it), my routine (but thats what i wanted to chuck in the first place).. i think of many people here.. and fondly so..and make plans what i am gonna do when i meet them and the baggage full of gifts for everyone that I am bringing home with me.. :D i have been quite chor too.. each time i would see smthing irresistable and would wanna buy for meself, my alter ego would look at me questioningly "ok, thats for u, and so what are u gonna buy for so & so?" ( background sound: intermittent foot tapping)..so i would end up buying two of those.. and then when i would see smthing else that is irrestible and i decide thats for so & so .. i would end up buying two of that thing too cz well.. its irresistable to me too, isnt it? hehe.. in time i have learnt to dodge such temptations.. i simply buy a lot of stuff for a lot of people. AND to top it all.. tomorrow i have kept exclusively for shopping! I mean! I am enjoying the ordeal here.. may be because i dont need to shop here!

 

You know i had neevr dreamed of or never much wanted a life full of such utopian relaxation and fun.. i have always enjoyed working.. or moving towards smthing.. this break is something that can really really be called a brakeeee-- a shift from my routine.. a stark contrast to the other neha and yet a dollop of her old self everynow and then. <3

 

You see, here all i do is make tea or read and write. Otherwise, i only look good, go for outings, meet a few new people and eat and lie down back at home and take it slow and easy. I mean, thats all i do! get up, get dressed up, go out, enjoy the sunsets, enjoy the drives,.. enjoy the sea..and make tea for everyone. tadaaannnnnnn..thats neha these days. and its gud fun.. also bcz i have nothing to do here. Hardly anyone calls.. since i do not carry a cell phone.. (again, what a relief) .. i wish i could go to the beach daily though. :P gurls never get satisfied do they? I did not even bring my laptop..i can say this holiday like the most natural flavoured icecream ever.

 

I know im going back to del in a few days and i know im gonna be sucked into the daily routine and before I'd know it i would have devised a cruel plan for myself.. the great escape route. but why think of that now? keep afloat.

 

I must tell u i had a bit of vodka tnight. I took such small quantity that it actually shameful.. but i enjoyed the canada dry i had it with. <3

 

I miss my kittens a lot.. they have grown up somewhat... when i go home im gonna hold them and hold them and never let them goooooo! 

 

once home im again leaving delhi for a week.. and i cant get enough of travelling right now.. its phunnn 

 

actually i have nothing much to write tonight except that i dont feel sleepy at all.. and though i am yawning every now and then i dont want to drag myself to the bed and slip inside the blanket right now...

 

today we went to ski dubai.. i froze inside..no, really. The temp there was in minus..and thr was snow all arnd.. i felt so cccold...and.. it was amazing how in a desert country like UAE they have managed to keep an entire building freezing.. i actually saw some stalactites and stalagmites :P. Talk of refrigerators! My lips went numb and my nose turned pink and of course i could not tell my feet from my hands.. it was THAT bloody cold..i had trouble talking at times when we reached greater heights. ggggggrrrjrhhh.. i wwwwont go there everrr again! though must say it was freeeezin' fun!

 

While roaming around in the snow park, I wished to be with someone.. to have someone's warm hands in mine.. or better still to warm hands with someone in that white white white jungle of snow and a few conferous trees. You know, i do get senti when i see utter beauty or utter comfort..or in this case utter romantic setting.. i feel like deferring the moment.. for times in future.. as if we humans have a limited number of good days left for us.. and i want all my good days later..later.. later! And yea.. i become quiet at times like these.. for I know not what lies ahead.. perhaps i have already used up my good days? what then? why am i here then? :) naah.. i haven't lost my marbles.. js sayin.

 

sometimes i see people around me so casually giving away what they have..without realising what they have it,.. sometimes i see them cribbing even when they have the biggest joy on earth.. and then i see me..wearing one of those sad caps wearing gum boots and gloves in an urban antarctica surmising, dreaming, aching for the invisible. And it is at times like these and take a mental u-turn and restart the counting. But we are who we are.. we are humans born with this innate desire to dream and curse to pine..and we keep on doing that..:) no one's lesser of a mortal here. AND it is at times like these that i like human beings for being human.

 

We should always count our blessings.

a red couch

a RED couch

these nights

Sigmund Freud said that dreams illustrate the logic of the unconscious mind. So if one wanted to reach, understand or analyse one's unconscious mind, dreams could be a "royal road". For many days now I am experiencing the most bizarre and impossible dreams. I have always been a heavy sleeper... once asleep I usually do not wake up in the middle of the night unless im sick... and so my dreams I guess are very very powerful and stay with me throughout the day. I know that 10 minutes of conscious sleep could transform into days in a dream, but what i am concerned is something else. I have always loosely interpreted my dreams as some internal longing or stress. But these days even though I am in one of the most relaxing vacations of my life, I dream of moments unanswerable, of people I hardly know now.. or once knew and of people who are no more alive. This shouldn't disturb me of course.. but the intensity and frequency is something that's befuddling me. A few days back I dreamt of a friend in school who is no more, the next day it was a long forgotten acquaintance from the school bus, yesterday and day before also it was the same. People i haven't thought of or considered important, i keep seeing them in my dreams.. last night know who i dreamed of? And this was not someone personally familiar to me ofcrs. It was Ajmal Kasab being taken to the gallows in bus.. strange but ajmal asab changed into a woman in the middle of the dream and was actively participating in the arrangements of his death.. there was a bus full of people, including me, who were going in the same bus.. and it could be that we would also die. And so we kept on travelling..and kept on travelling..we reached a place where there was not a soul to be seen but barren land and gallows. Kasab, who was by now a woman.. (secretly i was also unsure if this was really the female kasab), his/her cellphone kept ringing.. and he wasn't afraid of anyone but the tall military guys.. the short one's she was even friendly with.. what happened next i don't know.. it was a funny cruel dream to say the least. But why were the other people in the bus, those who i had forgotten in my conscious mind? I dont think about these people, i left them in school or my earlier neighbourhood and never paid much attention. I know, i am going no where with this weird post.. but its funny.. how i keep meeting these people everynight in dream who i never think of when awake or haven't thought of for months on end. Its like my dreams got a memory of their own.

the moment

These days i feel that the moment a person decides to take his life.. each time he does that is, in a peculiar way, a moment of truth and the peak of knowledge. Every other moment is a nicety we keep feeding our heart and soul.

sigh

love you panther..im missing you so much tday.. i keep telling me you are at home and i will see you when i return..and you will jump and welcome me.. bt i know you wont.. why did this happen.. i cant js go on my baby.. i miss you yar..:'( why do sad things keep happening to me.. i know it is a silly thought.. but i dont care right now... i want you back..im ready to be stubborn about it.. i dont care if i am unreasonable.. and i dont care if what i ask for is impossible.. i want to still ask for you to be returned.. i wish it was all a bad dream.. the last month and when i go back home you'd be there.. i had thought going away would make me better.. for a few days yes, i got busy.. bt i miss you..i miss our walks and every little thing you did.. i miss giving you your meals and nagging you to eat properly.. i miss taking you around in car... I am at a stage where smthing very very sad has happened.. already happened.. and nothing I can do .. nothing at all.. but sigh and miss..  

 

Why do these things happen yar.. why cant we just have people we know for always.. why not js be happy and content with what and who we have.. i know yar..im talking gibberish.. bt thats what i feel like doing.. blabber.

Day 4: of dubai, bbq, the beach and me

Dear Diary,

Hi :) Missed writing ya.. im fine here.. its a lot of laid-back fun and relaxation unlike perhaps every before.. we sleep late, get up even later and then go for some sightseeing. I don't have my cellphone here.. and I like it that way. No phone to carry or worry about who messaged or called and who all I need to call back. Its nice.. this break. The only contact I have is through fb.. heh..lame i know.. but that's it.. after a long time i am enjoying talking to lotsa people.. being there.. my old self.. happy and care free.

As for Panther, I miss him a lot.. there's this little porcelain labrador here at my sister's place.. complete with a leash and collar.. it is sooo beautiful and realistic that one feels like petting him .. it feels it wil bark and wag his tail any moment! When panther had passed away we had decided we will plant a tree sapling there where we laid him.. i am waiting to reach delhi soon and plant a fruit bearing tree. I cannot wait to do that for him. I love you baby.. i keep wishing.. i keep wishing in vain that you'll be back.. but i see ur pics on my cell and you end up making me smile that you were with me for so long.. having you more would be like being greedy it seems. You're too good..

As for Dubai.. its a great city.. its sometimes like India the way we would want it to be, albeit the stringent rules and lack of democracy.. but may be that is important if you want things to work systematically for a larger populace..ofcourse what I say sounds ridiculous to me.. but i have begun to think how would a nation be with a consciencious state of governance sans democracy. There is a considerable Indian and Pakistani crowd here.. so you don't feel stranded or alone. Two days back we had gone to Al Ain, another emirate. There we reached Green Mubazarrah which is a mountainous region with greenery all around the valley and also the most picturisque rocky mountains. There was a breathtaking view all around .. as the sun came down the glistening lights made me feel i was looking at the spectacular surface of earth from somewhere in space.

Thereafter we descended from the hills and came down to green region where there were so many groups of people bunking in camps and also barbequing. We were a group o 12-13 people..one of us, Abdul is great with bbq..he arranged for bbq material and the veggies. We spread out mats and used my sisters picnic bag which is the most interesting little package of anything and everything u'd need on a picnic! Sexy glasses, cutlery, mat, salt and pepper shakes.. i mean u name it the bag has it. I helped make paneer tikka.. we also roasted mushrooms, baby corn, corncobs, potato, capsicum, tomato etc all sliced and 'seekhed' and sprinkled with salt pepper and lemon all by ourselves.. it tasted yum. There was also a hot water spring nearby from which a brooke flowed and we sat with out feet dipped.. it was lovely.. natural pedicure.. they say the water is therapeutic.. I dont know about that. When you sit on the mat, near the bbq.. flanked by gigantic mountaines and rocks nearby.. with green pasture stretching till your eye looses its vision.. you feel you wanna be alone as much as you feel you wanna be with somebody! I roamed around a lot.. helped barbeque.. i loved doing that and i planned how i could do the same at home sometime..may be on our roof top i can.

The next day we went for shopping but didn't do much of that.. watched a movie and then had lunch. On our way back we went for car wash..which is a nice experience since we kept sitting inside the car.. i was wondering how many cute things two lovers cud do inside the car.. as the car gets brushed, washed and polished by huge sprinklers, foam, scrub and brush ;)

Thereafter, we pulled up the car near the open seas.. it was way past midnight and quite chilly by now... As it often happens... i grew sentimental near the beach... the waves, the rocks, the wet sands and the footprints seemed to have a life of their own..and i kept watching.. wanting to hold the beauty .. capture it in my eyes.. embracing it.. but as happens with most beautiful things in life.. you can't actually do that.. and even if you may hold them for once, you can't hold them forever.. those feelings, emotions and love.. its free.. and therein lies the beauty. It would vanish in my embrace, it would evaporate if i try to reach out to it.. one needs to stand still.. and wait for it come to you.. have you felt that ever? Has anyone?

:) aaah.. i so wish to write more.. more about such abstract feelings.. it makes me feel like me. But i defer doing this.. cz im afraid of the flow.. im afraid of myself at times and what I may let out and what I may behold.

Will post pics in some time..i wish i could go on typing all night..:)

love and peace,
neha

Day 2 Morning :)

Heylo again! Its morning of Day 2 and so much fun. Sister is busy looking about the house and jiaji is sitting nearby .. telly is on and we're having a nice time lazing around...i love the view from her balcony .. its cornish outside.. much like the scenic beauty from up above some building at nariman point in mumbai.. the sea looks beautiful and if i look straight down there's a smooth sexy trail of cars running at exact distance from others and in straight lanes and at such high speed. I am at the 24th floor of this building.. the first 9 floors excluded ..those are for parking.. so in a way i am on the 33rd floor.. :)  I am gonna go down to the beach as soon as i can..

Yesterday as i got off the plane.. a lady awaited me with a placard bearing my name and welcomed me.. unlike other passengers who had to walk a mile and wait at a hundred different queues.. (!) the lady offered me a ride on an open car .. we first went for eye scanning where I was given first preference evn though there was a LONG queue .. i could feel my skin burning :P those people must have been cursing me.. and thence she took me for other formalities where also each time i would actually skip the whole routine and everyone would give me preference. I so totally felt like a film star. I was sure i was bring cursed by those standing in line for hours.. but well.. i stil had my luggage with me when a tall nice Pakistani looking guy walked upto me and offered to walk my luggage for me.. :) now i had TWO chaperons. hehe.. then we went for baggage claim, i got my other baggage.. i had nothing to do except hold my jacket as everything was being taken care of. I lyk i lyk. Then they lead me to meet my sis and jiaji who were waiting at the other end and whoaaaa.. we reached the car and came straight back home! huha.. ok now that was Marhaba Service for me! that Jiaji had booked.. whereby Neha is treated like a filmstar :D lovely service!

My sis had already prepared my favourite dinner comprising the quintenssential Rajma Rice and Matar Paneer etc.. it was amazing to see her so deft at household chores.. i was impressed. :D Near about 10.30 we hurried to the Safeer Mall.. i was in my tracks only.. too lazy to change.. and we bought groceries and stuff.. we hurried cz the mall was stated to close at 11pm. The roads here are sexy smooth and everything's organised .. as for me.. i was amazed to see how my sis scuttled from one part of the mall to 'another checking scrutinising weighing and buying veggies! hehe,.. even the ones like methi and ghiya which we used to scoff at when young! She is so concerned about eating healthy now! A nice happy change! I was so tired by that time with all my travelling that we didn't hang around much and drove back home.

Today morning I woke up in my room (they christened the room 'neha ka kamra') and i have taken to it as if i was always living here.. It has a sexy balcony..balcony ke aage samandar, samandar ke aage aurrrr samandar.. Mr. India types. Today we are going to a birthday party, i have also been invited. So would be nice meeting people..:)

I sooo wanna go to the beach soooon.:) and now time to get ready! ciao!

neha