JLT

Looks lyk my house has turnd against me. First d plumbing pickd on
me..so my roof began to leak..then it ws the d walls..on wich ghastly
figures hv appeard dat scare me in d nite, js nw d wiring turnd
hostile..d lights gav up n in came horrible pungent smell of burnin
wire..so i had to shift places cz of d fear of it bcming a gas chamber
4 me..no fun dying in sleep, no? So im camping in mums room 4 d
nite..mum dad camping in drawing room..i realise its warmer in here.
I watchd three fantastic movies tday. Yeah! Three..a record..ws alone
at hm all day. So wel these wr:
1. Life is Beautiful
2. Before Sunset
3. Before Sunrise
fantastic films..got me thinking. If u dnt philosophise much..then 2nd
n 3rd mite nt enthral u lyk it did me. Bt a MUST WATCH 4 those who
enjoy digging deeper n messing up their lives dat way. :)
And ya, a quote i so lvd..from d third movie- "memories are wonderful,
as long as u dont hv to deal wid d past"..
P.S: I hvnt wishd anyone a Happy New Year yet..if only new years wr
really abt being happy n new!
--
Sent from my mobile device

Year ender

This year has changed a lot in my life. But even if i choose to hate it I cannot wipe off its existence. Sitting here in the dark..I mourn tonite. Things are changing in my life and more changes are going to take place.. however much i wish or want ... the times, the people, the relationships, and their beauty will not remain forever.. it will change and i will have to just let go.

Forever- this word is a fictional fabrication. For whatever is there today shall change tomorrow.. the change might not be recognizable to all.. but it would have begun to happen long before we realise it. And i hate to realise such a change. So much damage has already been done.. I don't want any more to take place. I know I sound paranoid but everything we feel, we feel for a reason. I am not fretting in vain.

I hate this time of the year when one is pushed into doing some sort of retrospection and more often than not this annual odyssey inside one's head leads one to discomfiture, gloom and anxiety. Of course, the sun shall shine with the same brilliance the next year, the chill i feel today shall be the same in a couple of days more. Just as crossing national borders does not mean the topography of a region shall change, similarly there's hardly any difference when we enter into a new year. Yet in our mind..things change. And even the biggest pessimist in the world would agree that a new year does bring in fresh hopes and aspirations with it. And the biggest optimist would not deny that their heart is filled with surmises of the year gone by. Retrospection and introspection continue unabated.

I have lost a lot this past year. Things that should have been there 'forever'! I feel I should have done better. But of course circumstances are not always in our favour. I wish I were unaware of these changes. I wish they would happen in stealth. But they just wont. And I am not talking about one person in particular. My brother, my friend and the thing I thought was lot deeper than it proved to be. It seems all is going.. and I dont want to feel it.

My blog turns 100 posts old!

Finally! My hundredth post! Feels nice.. feels like it is an achievement! Today it has been hundred times that in a hundred different ways this blog has helped me out. Pulled me out from deepest of pits of depression and held me close when I wanted to share my joy! So I am grateful for that and much more. Cheers to the blog!

So, what's happening in the muggle world? Here you go..it's a beautiful sunny day.. the year is 2009, the day is Friday and the time is 01:28 pm. And it so happens that today the world is celebrating Christmas. So Santa is taking rest..must be tired from his nocturnal sojourn around the world! I, on the other hand, am half tucked in layers of warm blanket and half propped up on the bed..so you can say that I am comfortable where I am. I am not celebrating Christmas tonite.. I don't feel like it much. So all those who are gonna have cake and turkey and pies and are gonna crowd up together around the Christmas Tree.. I wish you a merry Christmas.

And to me, I wish a Happy Hundredth Post!

The other kind of moving on

 

I think I am moving on. From my childhood. The phase which I had so far tried to keep hidden in me, wrapped under many veils, somewhere in my core..to be taken out every now and then when I was most happy and with the people I loved. It's not an intentionally conceived decision that I have taken, in fact it is not a decision.. it is just happening and I can feel it. And strangely I feel nostalgic.. cz one day I would wanna come back to the same situation in life.. at the same threshold of being the little one.. I hope I meet someone who lets me be a kid all my life.. even when im 60 or 80. I could ofcourse do the caring/looking after, but I would want to be treated as a kiddo.. I feel so comfortable in that skin. Perhaps being the youngest at home has percolated down to my very being. To be thought of as the little one is how I am most 'at home'. That's what I seek. But things have already begin to change so much at home and so rapidly.. as if the ground beneath my feet is turning into sand. It is taking place so fast that I hardly feel I have the time to collect some keepsakes and some memories. Of course it must be happening inside somewhere within the subconscious. Am thankful for that. But well, seeing one's parents age is tough... I was the youngest at home who was always taken to the doctor by mum/dad and never had to take them to one. But now the reverse is happening. I do like to be thought of as a responsible adult..and it is good for me.. but it sometimes makes me feel so out of place and afraid. Perhaps it would need some time to settle down -- the fact that barely a couple of months later I am going to be their only daughter at home. I will, of course.. I mean I AM, doing all I can to take care of them at present too, but after my sister's wedding I will not only be a lonely child (see, again i write child) but one who is no longer a child.. but is supposed to be a responsible adult..to be taking proper care (and without fail) of people who were till now taking care of me. I had gladly and for too long donned the 'bacha' tag.. time will fast come to wear that off.. will I ever be able to put it on again?

I don't know what I have written..or why I feel so.. perhaps it is one of the misgivings of being so sensitive! Having poured out my apprehensions, I am feeling better already! I am a one-gal army! Can take it all.. and much more! :) Bring on!

Love to all,

Me

PS: I see..just noticed that this is my 99th post! Have travelled far and wide with this blog.. and I love it dearly :) Next post shall be a celebration! Yippee!

Panther gaga

I js wanna say that i love panther! He luks lovely in dat red winter
coat of his..wich hs got the design of paws engravd on it! I got it 4 him tday
only..lest d chill shud get to him. Js nw he got up n lookd at me wid
his cute eyes with the wagging tail that i cudnt help bt write abt him!
He sleeps for long these days n as he sn as he'd wake up..like he just did.. i can sense
he wants sm cuddling n pampering..wich he gets without fail! :-) (i yearn for the same wen i wake up :))
And as the clock wud strike 5 or the chill wud begin to set in, he wud be
up and about..now fully awake and sooner than u knw it he's prancing about, wanting
to b taken for a walk in d park. He looks frwd to meeting maxie, his
swthrt, as much as I try to avoid goin wid her..cz wel he bcms naughty wid
her ;( n it gets difficult 4 me to manage 2 dogs craving for their cosy moment under the proverbial mistletoe. Heh!
So, i lv him tday, i'l lv him tmrw n forever..for my little baby he is. :-)
and wid his food n biscuits n the new orange ball..he is sure in for a
treat tnite! And im in for a long panther-walk! Lv u dogga! Im all
smiles 4 him... i just woke up from sleep myself :)

 

Sent from my mobile device

Some beautiful moments

Hi! Came across this wonderful list of things.. have edited some according to my taste.. Some of the MOST beautiful moments in life:

*To fall in love.

* To laugh until your stomach hurts.

* To find mails by the thousands when you return from a vacation.

* To go for a vacation to some pretty place.

* To listen to your favorite song on the radio.

* To go to bed and to listen while it rains outside..the sound of rain drops hitting the windowpane.

* To leave the shower and find that the towel is warm.

* To clear your last exam.

* To receive a call from someone, you don't see a lot, but you want to.

* To find money in the pocket of a dress that you haven't used since last year.

* To laugh at yourself looking at mirror, making faces.:)))

* Calls at midnight that last for hours.:))

* To laugh without a reason.

* To accidentally hear somebody say something good about you.

* To wake up and realize it is still possible to sleep for a couple of hours.

* To hear a song that makes you remember a special person.

* To be part of a team.

* To watch the sunset from the hill top.

* To take a hot hot shower in winters.

* To feel butterflies in the stomach every time that you see that person.

* To pass time with your best friends.

* To see people that you like, feeling happy.

* To use a sweater of the person that you like and find that it still smells of their perfume.

* See an old friend again and to feel that the things have not changed.

* To take an evening walk along the beach..and to sit their talking, teasing..or just sitting holding hands

* To have somebody tell you that he/she loves you.

* To laugh .......laugh........and laugh ......remembering stupid things done with stupid friends. :)

So much for so many things

So much for love and commitment, so much for friendship and likeness, so much for togetherness and support.. but even then why does one still feel the need to trust? I don't know.. sometimes we go ahead.. without wanting to. And sometimes those little steps forward seem to take light years..feels so heavy as if your ankles are tied with shackles..yet each footfall is a fall from grace..

Mat Kaho

Mat kaho aakash aaj krosh mein hai
Yu to surya barso se aakrosh mein hai

Krodh aakrosh sab apna diya hai
Isiliye to aaj dhar murjha gaya hai

Ek taraf aakash makhmali sunehra
Swagat mein ho jaise koi sundar savera

Par ah, ye kya dharti to jaisi ro padi hai
Nadi naraazgi mein rukh mod chali hai

Ped-paudhe adhmare se jee rahe hain
Garmi aisi ki zameen zhulsa rahi hai

Baraf ke shikhar bhi ab rone lagein hain
Aansuo ki baadh bhu bhigone lagein hain

Bin mausam ki varsha mulsadhaar ho rahi hai
Jalvayu Anishchit akasmik ho padi hai

Kahin sukha to kahin baadh ka karyakram bana hai
In ghatnao se ab to roz hi ka saamna hai

-----------------------------------------------------------

Hum hain vyast tark aur vitark sochne mein
Unnati ki bhook mein ek kashmakash mein

Bahas ye hai ki kaun kitna dhan samete
Dharti ki marne se pehle khaal nochein

Nadiyo ko kaise sukhne se pehle loot dalein
Pashu pakshiyo ke gharon ko cheer dein

Doshi ko kya dosh dein wo to atal hai
Manushya jaati hai iska dimag jatal hai

Sochlega koi raasta koi aur bahana, parantu
Hasyaprad hai doobte ka moh mein geet gana

Pakriti ki vidambana ka kuch aisa asar hai
Kavi bhi visheshyagya ban ke bolta hai

"Aisa karo ki surya ko pakdo ye usi ka kiya hai
Uske krodh se bahot vinaash hua hai!"

Kya kare kavi, woh alankar hi janta hai
Copenhagen nahi manviyakaran se kaam nikalta hai! 

In the garden tonight

I sit in a garden

on a rickety old bench

it's dark and its quiet

the way I like best

The lights have been lit up

winter chill has set

the grass is shining with dew

all my worries at rest.

Been making little songs

Been singing to myself

Thinking of nothing,

but so much is being felt!

I feel so complete tonight

Am not happy or sad

am walking with no one

holding nobody's hand

It's dark and its calm

my hands in the fold

I feel smug and cosy

with my nose all cold!

Im humming this poem

that I made for myself

the words flow softly

as if rhyming for itself

I wish I could post

the melody of this song

So u cud join me on this bench

and we would sing along!

Happy B'day to Me

Exam tomorrow. I thought I knew the subject well..had attended all the classes..loved it. Had THE best teacher in the world. But I guess the subject doesn't love me. All the Articles of the Constitution have eloped with their respective Cases..leaving nothing in my head. Whatever's left is befuddling me. Where art thou mr. confidence?


Plus mera mood theek ni ho ra hai.


Plus Panther bhi messe naraaz hai.


Plus exam hai :'(


One good thing though. While studying when our mind goes off to wander, it comes back with brilliant stuff. Today also it so happened. I was supposedly studying when I concluded that today is my birthday. Now how can today be my birthday? I will tell you how.


My birthday was on...2.11.09 ----(1)
Today is .................20.11.09 ----(2)
So, since zero ki koi value ni hoti, therefore, from (1) and (2) ----- today is my birthday. 
Hence proved. :)

Nothing like talking nonsense..

Hina and I had a stupid stupid but hilarious song for hours-before-exam jitters...when we could do nothing but laugh out madly about how bad our preparation was! BTW.. how boring life must be for the toppers. Anyway the song is too kiddish to type in here. (As if there's any scope for me to prove my being 'mature' now) :)

lv all

nea

da dum di ra da dum di ra --- just enjoy the show

Am so tired right now.. hv been studying all day.. finally.. and now that i am studying i realise there is just so much left to study. im kinda scared. pardon the small 'i's and other stuff. i got no energy. may be cz i skipped dinner.. mann ni hua. I had two cups of tea instead to keep me awake. 

what is all this gibberish? nothing.. js the need to write..

recently read an article in HT.. a nice spiritual one.. was written than for different people different things cn act at meditative. For some it is dancing, for some smoking, for some i dont know what...for the writer of the piece it was writing only. me too.

today and for somedays now i have been going thru my drafts (423 as of today) of last few months. pages and pages and pages of letters, unfinished poetry, finished poetry, some anecdotes, some philosophical wanderings, some not so philosophical wailing, some ranting rumbling..its known that one writes best when in any extreme emotions..especially morose ones. Some of the poems i had written in hindi i would hv liked to share but they are way too personal for public reading. But i would like to know people's opinions.. if only they'd buy it when i say it's all written JLT -- which it is so not. 

I realise what's happening. It has happened so many times that the pattern is so familiar. And i can only sigh. I see myself standing. Na aate banta hai na jate..aur khare rehte dekhte to bilkul nahi banta.

Back to constitutional law.

Lv

Neha

PS: i js want single spacing between my paragraphs.. and it js wont happen. pls help smbdy.

what good wud a title do

Being 22 is no mean job. And I am not enjoying it. Firstly, there is this feeling that oh-God am I one of those who are twenty-two. Darn! My sis got married two months after her 22^nd birthday. And if that isn’t enough to scare the living daylights out of me, there is this feeling that I am insufficiently decked up and sent to the warfront. What –where- who- how-when?

I have seriously begun to feel that I am too naive. There are people around me who know so much and it all comes naturally to them-- how to handle people, how to see the reality, when to put a full stop, when to put your foot down, when to create a ruckus, when to say this-is-it, whom to believe, whom not to believe, when to say what, when to caress and when to keep distance. In fact people younger to me are better versed than me in the ways of the world. I have grown up in the same environment as them.. Was I sleeping all this while??? Was I? No, I just kept my distance. Even I should have picked up some clever foxy-stuff from the world around me perhaps. But I never wanted to, I still don't want to. And I don't want to be at loss bcz of my ignorance either.

People around me now seem to know saner stuff when it comes to men, women, relationships, etc etc.. Or is it that things going on in other people’s lives always seem less complicated than those in ours? Because till now I used to be someone whom people came to..I used to know stuff.. I used to be smarter in pacifying people, handling situations. Or was it just an illusion? Now it seems that the equation has changed. And I have become the doe-eyed mystified girl who isn’t real sure of her next step, who is so afraid of trusting her own decisions, who doesn’t want to give now, if that would mean emotional dependence; who promises herself everyday to never let anyone near her. I was not like this. I was happy and sure. I never cared about looks much .. I used to belong to the kind who value the brains..but suddenly my trust in myself, my decisions all seem to have shaken. You wouldn’t know your feeling. Try walking on slippery surface you might feel what I’m feeling. Unsure, perplexed, unsteady and weak in an alien land among people I know so well..but whom I barely know.


To hell with the ‘essential goodness’ crap..i always believed in. It was just that.. crap.

I just wrote this, but you know, this is NOT the kinda girl I wanna be. Those innocent ideas I don’t want to forego. I want to live in the old world where there was no resentment, distrust, no struggle within and no horror of being taken for a ride. When my own word was the last word to me.

Suddenly the scene changes. I recall Jab We Met. When Anshuman refuses to see things through Geet’s worldview and tells Aditya in his super-loser tone something to this effect: “Wo sochti hai zindagi ek sapna hai..wo sochti hai ye uske sapno ki duniya hai..wo sachai nahi dekhna chahti”


..and Aditya tells him mockingly, “Aur tumne use vishwas dila diya ki yeh uske sapno ki duniya nahi hai”

Life Is Fine

Life Is Fine by Langston Hughes

I went down to the river,
I set down on the bank.
I tried to think but couldn't,
So I jumped in and sank.

I came up once and hollered!
I came up twice and cried!
If that water hadn't a-been so cold
I might've sunk and died.

But it was Cold in that water! It was cold!

I took the elevator
Sixteen floors above the ground.
I thought about my baby
And thought I would jump down.

I stood there and I hollered!
I stood there and I cried!
If it hadn't a-been so high
I might've jumped and died.

But it was High up there! It was high!

So since I'm still here livin',
I guess I will live on.
I could've died for love--
But for livin' I was born

Though you may hear me holler,
And you may see me cry--
I'll be dogged, sweet baby,
If you gonna see me die.

Life is fine! Fine as wine! Life is fine!

Today was not a study day

Just witnessed the quintessential winter rain of Delhi. The first of the many sporadic rainfalls that bring down the temperature of this city giving us the notoriously piercing cold and seductive Delhi winters. Seductive? Yes, because it won’t let you work, it will induce you into going to bed with it and would make you long for the warmth of the blanket making it so tough to tear yourself away from the bed when morning beckons.

"Today is NOT a study day" 

I hereby declare the aforesaid (with retrospective-effect of course) so that I don't feel guilty anymore. Not that I had permitted myself the luxury of having a holiday today, but today it seems, is not meant for fulfilling any academic pursuits I may have had. The day did involve a lot of reading though. I lick-read my newspapers, an old Tehelka, blogs and a few stray articles. But prepare for exams, that I didn't do. My mind and I are in no way gonna be trapped today in the boring provisions of The Limitation Act, my current subject of study. Notwithstanding its utility and notwithstanding the utmost importance this statute holds --- it’s not going to hold my attention today..try as I may.

There’s a strange excitement in the air tonight. Has been there since evening. It is sweetly strange because apart from exams, nothing very exciting awaits me at the end of the November tunnel. But I still have a feeling. And it's new yet so familiar. I wonder why but feeling this feeling is like meeting an old friend inside me whom I missed so much.

Lapetu

Cant cm onlyn. My laptop hs bn tkn 4 wire repair. :( I askd him ki kyu
leke ja rahe ho laptop ko. Ise bi leke jana padega, he told me.
My li'l baby lapetu. He mst b alone amng strangr burly laptops. Wt if
dey bully my sleek black one. He dsnt evn knw anythin :'( N it mst b
dark :(
Alrdy sm1 hs stoln his HP bag 4m my rum. :'( I hvnt told him yet. Bt
TG i sent him in d new bagpack i hv, its got cushn n seatbelt 4
safety. Dat guy who tuk him on his bike lukd fyn, wudnt hurt my
lapetu. Bt i shudnt hv let him tk him :(
I told 'em to send him back by tday evning bt dey didnt. Mummmyy...:(
ni ye joke ni hai..i wnt my lapetu bac. Abhiii. Wudnt let 'em kp him
away 4m me tmrw 4 sure. He cn repair d wire, y tk my lapster? As if
all's fair in love & 'wire'. Huh
Lv u lapetu
c you soon
:)
--
Sent from my mobile device

Of taxation & the CIC

:) :D ;) B-)
taxation..hv alws hatd commerce..i knw im biasd n though i lyk
'busines' i dnt lyk tax..who wnts to employ one's tym nrgy etc in such
an excrcise. CAs of d wrld kil me, bt tho i knw u guys do much mor dat
calculate tax .. Ur job tires me nun d les..
Read abt d whole 'Kiran Bedi shud b made next CIC activism' n it does
mk me cringe a bit. Im glad d editorials agree. I hv nthin agnst d
lady bt since wen actors n a motley grp of ppl strtd to dcide who shud
head d CIC? I fyn it funny. Tmrw they'd ask why so n so ws not made d
head of so n so dept..or hw ur choice is better dan our choice. Uski
shirt meri shirt se zyada safaid.. KAISE? Hehe..
Its one ting to stop smthin unjust or wrongful 4m hapning n quite d
othr to rally 4 a specific name. D letter to d CIJ n SC collegium by
eminent jurists n advocates is an exmple dat is a mch bttr way of
raising voice agnst or prevnting wrongful hapnin to tk place. Had they
said pls mk so & so an SC judge, they wudn't hv evn got a hearing. Thrs a
cmmitte 4 choosin d CIC dat includs d top echlon includin d PM. Let
them do their job. Cry foul wen smtin foul is happenin or is sure to
happen..dnt cry js bcz u think u can dcide 4 all.
Rest later. Tax calling.
Lvya! Nea (sic)
--
Sent from my mobile device

Blogin Abbrvtd

Bloggin frm celphone. So wrds r few n small. Studied smwat..hd a
midnite snack.. Intrnet is dwn or smthin, constrctn wrk hs its pains.
Watchd 'when harry met sally' 4 d nth time today. Lvd it lyk alws. Wt
else? Orgnzing thoughts, placing ppl, paving d way. Anyway.
If u look gud, u feel gud. I alws knew dat, bt tday ws remindd of fact
dat studying hard does d same. I put in 9 hrs strght tday. Touchd d
mtaphrical ceiling.
I wana get Panther a new leash. He needs one, or since i tk him out,
mayb Im d one who needs one. Lv him.
Tday i studied abt d cncept of 'laches' in law. It means delay. In
crtain provisns presupose nt only d lapse of tym bt also existnce of
circmstnces dat rendr it unjust to giv relief to d prsn, therby going
against him.. And sadly, it so happens in life too. Infact it seems
dat hwevr impassive law may seem, d Doctrines in law r classic in
charctr..in d sense they transgres times n scenarios..a little
fine-tuning to suit ur situatn in lyf, and thr u r nodding
along..finding it hard to dissent. More on dis later.
I nd to:
1. Think les
2. Stdy more n harder
3. Stay cheerful
4. Accept n smile..no-matr-wat
Im nt rly slpy bt shud tk sm rest.
Lv to all,
neha
--
Sent from my mobile device

College Library

I am sitting in the college library.. just yesterday a friend asked what was my favorite word, his theory being that a word could tell a lot about a person. And i agree. The first word that came to mid was 'sexy' (:))..but then I thought more and said 'wood'.. many other words like 'book' and 'write' came to my mind..but I zeroed in on what came first. Sitting in the library, or to be more precise while typing this post i realised i liked the word 'library' a lot. Always have. But this one could be an exception.. for i dont find the chairs very comfortable and so i don't stay here for too long during college days. The word, nevertheless, is great to say and today when I saw so many students with their heads down, pen in hand and a true academic look on their faces.. i started to enjoy my stay too.

Today I have planned to visit India International Centre, a place i considered home till sometime back, well, till the home broke apart. Anyhow, there is a film screening and discussion on Indian Elections there today and I didn't wanna give it a miss. So since 11.30 am I am camping in the college library.. studying, napping, day dreaming, cartoon making..studying too and just now I found an unoccupied computer seat so i jumped to grab it..and here i am. I can see lots of guys lurking behind me, wanting the seat..but i am here to stay, guys. Hush Hush.

With a book of Labour Law in hand, I sat in a forlorn corner, my cardigan in lap.. (campus is exceptionally cold), while trying to find some sense into what is written in the book and copying some important stuff in the notebook i have. Why i do it i dont know for seldom read what i write later on..but jot i do..on and on..:) as if it is getting inscribed in my brains and just like magic it will all reappear before my eyes in the examination hall. Bah. Never happened.

I had a nice sound sleep just now..in the head-down position. When i got up i had forgotten where i was. I keep forgetting where i am when sleep beckons. But it gives me a cosy feel. Im sure you don't get it. Forget it. So here i am up and about.. typing away to glory..(my blog my glory..my bloglory) while trying not to remember, feel or recollect times gone by..in this very library, in this very building.. romantics should be banned from the library, I say.

Today I miss him here. But i am not saddened by it. Does it make a difference? I am saddened everynow and then but then I try to think of 'life positive' and that helps a bit. :) I love the people I am close to right now. Sometimes i wonder why do they choose to be my friends?! Do i also stand by them as they do to me? Am i also a good friend? I must be, i think. And it is then that i realise the importance of having them around. I sometimes hug them in my mind.. all of them, hug them close and big and in my mind my eyes turn moist..but my lips break into a smile.

Thanks folks..for inadvertantly being there, for intentionally being there, for wanting not to shun me, for staying close and for giving me the hideouts you so often give. It is all unsaid and comes naturaly..its valued and cherished by me.

From library, to me, to friends to senti-going-mental chatter. Hmm.. what happened to me? :) Dont know. The coffee is waiting at the nescafe counter. Another old hangout place to face and to fight. And later IIC..my second home.

Closure

It is the worst part of your life. Take it, accept it, live with it, drench your skin in it, let it permeate your body, let it reach the core of your sanity, your soul, your being..let it run through your nerves with the same ferocity as blood, let it crush your heart in a zillion pieces, let it rule you..don't run away and don't you try to evade. Like a marsh let it swallow you and like a marsh you swallow it. No good trying to find a way out. Give in. Stand still.

Give in for you know you won't ever be this sad again. Give in, for once you recover, the worst would have been over. Once it is over, you shall never be this way again. You prefer physical pain over this one? Then consider it physical. Consider it a whip ripping through your flesh. Consider it a bullet that hits your head and leaves you all bloody, consider it a boulder thrown at your face. But while you do that, consider it momentary, consider that it will go away, consider your mum will come and save you like it were promised in childhood. But first accept.

Never think of justice. For that you will never get. And why should that bother you so much? Everyone has reasons..and reasons are aplenty. Rub it off your memory and your soul. Die if you have to and then re-emerge. Love shall save you and love you have. That's the cleanser, the tonic, the nourishment. The worst shall be over soon, my darling. Till then hold me tight and you shall find me here when you open your eyes and realise the pain is gone. I'll be there. I am there.

Midnight Rumblings

Love..the most understated overstated emotion... we do it, we make it, we define it, we lose it, we look for it, we cant do without it, we give it, we humour it, we seek it, we wait for it, we just cant do without it. And then, one fine day along it comes. But it goes and we do move on..hark, is there a choice? So what's the sense in placing it on such high a pedestal from where one becomes a slave to it? Why do we even take ourselves so seriously? Why do we expect that all shall be just! How dare we imagine that good shall befall us! Don't bad things happen to people? Don't people die? Don't people take their own lives? Don't we change with time? Doesn't our love, our priorities, our being, our taste change? Even our perception changes and for the better, right? So why do we expect that we shall get lucky? Who promised us that? No one but us. We ourselves promise this to us and for that to happen we act accordingly..fair enough till now..but if things don't go too well..do we have the right to cry foul? There was no contract and neither was there an understanding. There was nothing except two fingers crossed in 'touchwood'. Life is a set of promises we make to ourselves.. most of them come true.. but sometimes some don't. And it should be ok isn't it? One IS that strong. One HAS got to be strong.

Hmm...since when did I become pessimist about love?! I dont know what the real problem is. Not having or not getting to have? All in the background of not wanting to have!

8-) smile no matter what.

I should sleep now.

But but but first about the wedding:

Since i have been taking you through the wedding, let me finish the narrative. We were up all night yesterday.. the 'phere' took place somewhere around -6 am today morning.. saw the dawn breaking.. was beautiful..whilst the shlokas were being chanted. Not many people had stayed back for the whole night.. and some were very sleepy.. I was wide awake.. enjoying myself..endless cups of coffee and some roasted nuts doing the rounds. These wedding rituals enthral me. I can feel it. The panditji explained to us the vows the bride and the groom had to take..was a set of 7 vows for the groom and 5 for the bride. After each of their vows they had to say "tathastu".. in acceptance. I found the vows wonderfully crafted.. infact they were quite woman oriented..and forward looking.. one even made the groom promise that wherever he goes he would have to accept that the bride is in fact his lawfully wedded wife and that she shall also have a right to call him her husband. That the guy, even in his office and amongst fellow female colleagues would not deny that he is married to this bride. ;) The vows also inadvertently made clear that her money is her money and his money is their money. Smart. While all this was going on.. there had to be performed the necessary rasam of joota chupai...the fellas on the guy's side.. had for the whole of the night kept the jootis to themselves.. not even letting us have a single look..but in the end we did manage to secure one joota...it was when all of the joota guys fell asleep on the sofas that my cousin brothers did a guerilla warfare kinda thing and caught them unaware. It was a brilliant strategy. And it turned out pretty funny..seeing their shocked faces! If you can't beat them, tire them, I said.

The wedding complete..we went to a temple and then to the bride's home..from where the vidai (farewell) was to be done. It was an emotional moment..and really touching. Moments like those can never be explained the way they are felt..so I'd better refrain. It got tough trying to hold back tears..she is going no where! But still! So much shall change, wouldn't it? I just wish her a fabulous married life...with all her and her husband's vows coming true.

Around 9 we came back home and I slept straight off for how many hours I know not.. got up only in the evening..feeling happy with myself for having slept so soundly after a long time.

PS: a few points:

1. I think all bfs and gfs should also take sm vows. ok, kidding. but not really kidding.

2. The groom..ie.. my jeez..is a soft shy person..quite likeable. But the guys'-side could have been more big-hearted for us saalis.

3. I felt nice in the saree.

The D-Day and the H-Hour

Today is the wedding day and well.. the most casual day of all.. no frantic running about is taking place.. no yelling or verbal bomb-shelling either.. We skipped the morning function cz well..we all needed the sleep.. my mum-dad have gone though. Evening is going to be a hectic affair and so is the night.. as for me I have set my H-Hour as 6 o'Clock and hope to ready by then. Being the Bride's younger sis has its side-effects! I have started taking hours getting ready.

Last night's sangeet was good albeit there was no sangeet..but a DJ party with some of my brothers and sisters giving their individual performances..including the bride. One of the best parts was the ball dance by the elder couples like my mum dad, masa-maasi, mama-mami..that too with my dad on one knee! Touché!

Even among so many people.. something seemed missing.. or is it just me..? Every now and then I wished to turn to the balcony be alone for while and then return and do a jig or two. As if on auto-pilot mode. Nothing should be missing no more.

What else? I am looking forward to studying once the wedding is over. 'Looking forward'??? you would ask scornfully.. but yes I am in a way.. specially Constitutional Law.. but that can wait..the other subjects need my attention much more.

My birthday is round the corner. Lets give this one a skip, shall we? Bah.

Lvya.. if you have been, thanks for reading. (the Karan Thapar way of extending thanks)

PS: a boring post i know

Of laziness and work-to-do

Dear Diary,

Good Morning...

I missed college today as there was so much to do for the wedding..and also cz i was feeling sleepy. The dresses are still at the boutique's and so much more needs to be checked and done and tried and blah blah.. I am also pretty tensed about my exams for i have not studied a bit and after the wedding and my birthday i would hardly have two-weeks time to mug up all the Acts, and sections and cases and theories and ok..lets not get started on this topic for there is no end to it.

Frankly, I got nothing much to post today. Just that I realised I could directly post from my my gmail account and I feel like trying it out.

Thankfully I am better healthwise these days and have shifted back to my place. There is so much writing that I want to do but don't have anytime for. Come December I am going to try and give shape to the ideas in my head...most of them on a standby, in the Drafts folder of my email account or my cellphone. :)

There is also some non fiction stuff that I want to write. About news, politics and social issues basically. And yeah..there was also that diploma course in constitutional law that i was so keen in doing. Didn't get the time to visit the institute. Bah.

So.. next week this day is my birthday. Hmm... Neha turns 22. Cute, innit? Scary too. Monday..hmm.. i was born on a Monday too. Charlotte Bronte is quoted as saying 'as unromantic as a monday morning'..oh..what does she know? heh.. If it were in my hands I would postpone my birthday to come after the exams. JLT.

Ok, now I guess enough of blabbering.. I should get up and get set to do allll that needs to be done. Afterall..the Great Indian Wedding is about to commence. :)

But first lemme tell you the programmes:

Tomorrow : Haldhaath ie.. a paste of haldi chandan etc is applied on to the bride.. so as to prepare her for the wedding and get her all beautiful and gorgeous.

Day After: In the morning it is Bhaat and Teeka Ceremony. ie..the Mamas of the bride give her blessings and gifts and money as their contribution to the wedding

The same day in afternoon: Mehendi..which is basically applying henna on the palms of all girls..including yours truly 

The same day in the evening : Ladies Sangeet which is actually Ladies and Gentleman Sangeet.. followed by DJ party..dancefloor and all

The Next day ie.. wedding day.. well, wedding..which involves the Jai Mala, Phere (seven-steps around the Holy-Fire), delectable delights, dancefloor, video camera person putting people in limelight, playing hosts (we are the ladkiwala you see), and making the guests feel at home, lotsa small rasams which i dont know nothing about, and then the Vidaai..all this while trying to hold on to my saree like I would to my dear life..

And most importantly in the background all these 3 days would be played and sung and hummed -- the traditional Rajasthani and Marwadi folk geet sangeet..which involves lyrics we can barely understand..but very nice music..without which no wedding could be complete.

OK, now finally time to shirk the lethargy..carpe diem! here i come..

Baat Ki Baat- Shivmangal Singh 'Suman'

Another masterpiece i just came across.. it is by Shivmanal Singh 'Suman'.. you must have read some of his works in Hindi textbook in school. Beautiful..beautiful piece of poetry.. straight from the heart..

बात की बात

इस जीवन में बैठे ठाले

ऐसे भी क्षण आ जाते हैं

जब हम अपने से ही अपनी-

बीती कहने लग जाते हैं।

तन खोया-खोया-सा लगता

मन उर्वर-सा हो जाता है

कुछ खोया-सा मिल जाता है

कुछ मिला हुआ खो जाता है।

लगता; सुख-दुख की स्मृतियों के

कुछ बिखरे तार बुना डालूँ

यों ही सूने में अंतर के

कुछ भाव-अभाव सुना डालूँ

कवि की अपनी सीमायें है

कहता जितना कह पाता है

कितना भी कह डाले, लेकिन-

अनकहा अधिक रह जाता है

यों ही चलते-फिरते मन में

बेचैनी सी क्यों उठती है?

बसती बस्ती के बीच सदा

सपनों की दुनिया लुटती है

जो भी आया था जीवन में

यदि चला गया तो रोना क्या?

ढलती दुनिया के दानों में

सुधियों के तार पिरोना क्या?

जीवन में काम हजारों हैं

मन रम जाए तो क्या कहना!

दौड़-धूप के बीच एक-

क्षण, थम जाए तो क्या कहना!

कुछ खाली खाली होगा ही

जिसमें निश्वास समाया था

उससे ही सारा झगड़ा है

जिसने विश्वास चुराया था

फिर भी सूनापन साथ रहा

तो गति दूनी करनी होगी

साँचे के तीव्र-विवर्त्‍तन से

मन की पूनी भरनी होगी

जो भी अभाव भरना होगा

चलते-चलते भर जाएगा

पथ में गुनने बैठूँगा तो

जीना दूभर हो जाएगा।

-शिवमंगल सिंह 'सुमन'

Manushyata- Maithilisharan Gupt

Hey! I am so so so thankful to those people who have tried to digitise this poetry.. i have grown up listening my mom hum this poem in kitchen.. I memorised it in school days for I liked it even then .. she would explain the meaning to me. Today i found myself humming it out-of-the-blue.. take a read and, well, i wish i could post the 'tune' in which it is to be hummed.. it makes the poem all the more beautiful..

Those who are more comfortable reading the English script: click HERE.

मनुष्यता

विचार लो कि मर्त्य (mortal) हो न मृत्यु से डरो कभी,

मरो परन्तु यों मरो कि याद जो करे सभी।

हुई न यों सु-मृत्यु तो वृथा मरे, वृथा जिए,

मरा नहीं वहीं कि जो जिया न आपके लिए।

यही पशु-प्रवृत्ति है कि आप आप ही चरे,

वही मनुष्य है कि जो मनुष्य के लिए मरे।

उसी उदार की कथा सरस्वती बखानती,

उसी उदार से धरा कृतार्थ भाव मानती।

उसी उदार की सदा सजीव कीर्ति कूजती,

तथा उसी उदार को समस्त सृष्टि पूजती।

अखंड आत्म भाव जो असीम विश्व में भरे,

वही मनुष्य है कि जो मनुष्य के लिए मरे।

सहानुभूति चाहिए, महाविभूति है वही,

वशीकृता सदैव है बनी हुई स्वयं मही।

विरुद्धवाद बुद्ध का दया-प्रवाह में बहा,

विनीत लोक वर्ग क्या न सामने झुका रहे?

अहा! वही उदार है परोपकार जो करे,

वहीं मनुष्य है कि जो मनुष्य के लिए मरे।

अनंत अंतरिक्ष में अनंत देव हैं खड़े,

समक्ष ही स्वबाहु जो बढ़ा रहे बड़े-बड़े।

परस्परावलम्ब से उठो तथा बढ़ो सभी,

अभी अमर्त्य-अंक में अपंक हो चढ़ो सभी।

रहो न यों कि एक से न काम और का सरे,

वही मनुष्य है कि जो मनुष्य के लिए मरे।

"मनुष्य मात्र बन्धु है" यही बड़ा विवेक है,

पुराण पुरुष स्वयंभू पिता प्रसिद्ध एक है।

फलानुसार कर्म के अवश्य बाह्य भेद है,

परंतु अंतरैक्य में प्रमाणभूत वेद हैं।

अनर्थ है कि बंधु हो न बंधु की व्यथा हरे,

वही मनुष्य है कि जो मनुष्य के लिए मरे।

चलो अभीष्ट मार्ग में सहर्ष खेलते हुए,

विपत्ति विप्र जो पड़ें उन्हें ढकेलते हुए।

घटे न हेलमेल हाँ, बढ़े न भिन्नता कभी,

अतर्क एक पंथ के सतर्क पंथ हों सभी।

तभी समर्थ भाव है कि तारता हुआ तरे,

वही मनुष्य है कि जो मनुष्य के लिए मरे।

-मैथिली शरण गुप्त